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[Veritas]

When the ship hits land, go straight for the temple or church.  Everyone knows that that's where the best loot is.

When we get there, grab one maiden and go to temple, loot the temple and loot the maiden.

then proceed to rape the church and burn the maiden

Castrate self with axe.

Roll = 1

A curious sense of foreboding overcomes you as you leap off the beached longship and onto the sands of Anglia. You've got this biting feeling that everything is about to go horribly wrong.

While the rest of your band of warriors charges off to the nearest village, you know better and make a bee-line towards the monastery overlooking the coast. Rattling your axe against your shield as you scale the steep hillside, you're soon within sprinting distance of the monastery's entrance. Monks and terrified villagers scatter like falling leaves as you kick the heavy wooden doors down with a single strike of your Norwegian boot and march in, beard bristling in anticipation of the worthy artifacts you're about to make your own.

The first order of business you take care of is your need for a buxom English maiden. Swinging one of your meaty arms, you grab a nearby unfortunate village woman in a chokehold and drag her along with you, ignoring her kicking and screaming as you rifle through the monastery's shelves and cabinets. Any man devout to that heretical religion the Anglicans follow would surely weep at the sight of you shoving so many golden trinkets and ornaments into your loot-sack. Before long, the entire building has been cleared out by your capable hands and your bulging bag of loot surely out-sizes the rest of your clan's earnings combined.

Two more ideas strike you simultaneously as you recall that you've left a heretical church standing and still have a beautiful maiden clasped under your arm. Throwing her and everything else aside, you disrobe rapidly and begin forcing yourself against the cold stone walls of the monastery. You're sure you've gotten something wrong here.

That thought is quite literally cut short as blinding hot pain springs from your crotch. Looking down, you realise that an axe - your axe - has become embedded in somewhere you're really wishing it weren't. Your vision begins to cloud over and you become light-headed as you weakly turn to the wielder of the axe - it's the very same maiden you were planning to put a torch to once you'd had your way with the monastery. You finally recall the correct way in which you were meant to deal with the woman and the church as you drop to your knees, then onto your face.


Scenario V
Sir Aswald Revack, Knight of Calparia
Mountains of Myth, Realm of Calparia
12th of Augath, 1315

With a firm tug on the reins of your trusty steed, you come to a trotting halt at your destination. You clasp your helmet's visor with a gauntleted hand and raise the obstructive piece of metal from your vision, giving you an excellent view of the yawning cavern before you. With a smug smile, you dismount your armoured stallion and stand resplendent in the shining midday sun, cape billowing in the light mountain breeze and Calparia's coat of arms reflecting brilliantly upon your reinforced shield. Not even the Beast of Calparia could stand up against your iron will and steel weaponry, you tell yourself confidently. You hope that's the case, at least, since you're about to face down that very same beast in a trial of arms.

Your greaves echo noisily into the cave, disturbing a few bats as you make your way forward, brandishing a flaming torch in one hand and your longsword in the other. The air soon becomes stale and weighs down upon you like a blanket, taking on an odour not unlike sour milk and rotten eggs. Steeling yourself, you trudge onwards and the already-wide tunnel soon opens up into a massive cavern. Your torch has no hope whatsoever of illuminating such an all-encompassing mire of blackness.

If the Best of Calparia is anywhere in this cave, you figure it'll be lurking in here. How do you proceed?

[TamerVirus]

Holler loudly into the cave

[Alev]

Stick unlit side of torch in mouth.

[Veritas]

Stick unlit side of torch in mouth.

Holler loudly into the cave

Roll = 2

You realise that trying to search the Beast out on its own pitch-black turf would be suicide. Therefore, you'll need a way of bringing it to you. Clearing your throat, you yodel loudly into the belly of the cavern. Your manly bellow echoes against the rough, mossy walls before dissipating, leaving you in silence once more.

Readying yourself for a potential retaliation to your auditory assault, you place the handle of your torch between your lips and use your well-toned jaw muscles to keep it locked firmly in place. You then use your now-free left hand to grasp your magnificent Calparian shield. You're sure that this trend of sticking blazing sticks in your mouth will catch on if you keep doing it.

The already-heavy air suddenly feels as though it's turned to pure stone and a feeling of dread washes over you - along with a rush of hot, smelly wind, Squinting through the air current, you realise suddenly that there's not meant to be wind inside a cavern. Any further speculation is cut short as the entire cavern is instantly illuminated and the gigantic, indistinguishable mass at its centre lets out a bellowing roar. It clambers to its feet and you realise you're laying eyes upon the legendary and fell Beast of Calparia. It maintains some disgusting likeness to a giant wolf, but the fur along its back and tail is nothing more than pure, angry, scarlet flames. Its eyes, two enraged rubies set inside its canine skull, lock upon you and its growl fills the entire cave system.

You've only got a few seconds to act before this infernal Beast makes its move. How do you proceed?

[TamerVirus]

run back to the entrance of the cave while making silly faces and crass insults at the beast

[SaberToothTiger]

Throw our torch at him, try to blind the bastard.

[wer6]

Round house kick

((If we do die, can i request post Apocalypse, nuclear Armageddon, please?))

[Veritas]

Throw our torch at him, try to blind the bastard.

Round house kick

run back to the entrance of the cave while making silly faces and crass insults at the beast

Roll = 6

Thinking quickly, you spit your torch in the beast's general direction. Thanks to the immense power of your manly lips, your aim strikes true and the blazing end of the torch hits the beast directly in one of its crimson eyes. It roars in indignation and staggers backwards, giving you ample time to leap forward and raise one of your armoured feet, spinning around and delivering a high kick directly to one of its knees. Screeching in pain, the oversized wolf's blood-red fires dim slightly and you take this opportunity to make your tactical getaway.

As soon as you land, you're dashing back the way you came, trusting memory and instinct to avoid tumbling over as you escape the damp depths of the cavern. Sighting light and your trusty steed ahead, you turn back momentarily and question the beast's ancestry with wry grin, knowing it wouldn't dare to chase you back out into the sunlight that it so despises. Before long, you yourself are stood valiantly beneath the midday sun, smiling like an idiot but looking like a hero.

However, the Beast is most certainly still alive, and to return home without slaying the creature would place shame and failure on the Revack house. How do you proceed?

[SaberToothTiger]

When the big-bad mofo comes here, stab him/it in the good eye and decapitate the bastard. Ride gloriously back home with its' head on a pike.

[TamerVirus]

pass gas in the beast's general direction while questioning its sexuality and prowess

[Veritas]

pass gas in the beast's general direction while questioning its sexuality and prowess

When the big-bad mofo comes here, stab him/it in the good eye and decapitate the bastard. Ride gloriously back home with its' head on a pike.

Roll = 2

Your steel nerves are impervious to the Beast's ear-splitting cries as it charges down the passage after you. Indeed, you feel so confident in your certain victory that you turn around, bend at the waist and make a very rude noise with your rear end while speculating verbally about the creature's skill in combat and the kind of things it lusts after. Before long, however, the flaming animal has closed the distance between you and the time for un-chivalric conduct ends.

Your shield expertly blocks a gout of hellfire launched from the Beast's mouth as you crouch down, allowing the deathly flames and smell to wash harmlessly above and around you. Seizing your opportunity as your foe prepares to let forth another, similar barrage, you sprint towards it and leap like a gazelle up to its remaining unscorched eye. Grasping your sword in both hands as you reach the zenith of your jump, you let out a terrifying war-cry and shove your blade forth with all of your might. It impales the helpless eye before it spectacularly.

As the Beast screeches once more and desperately shakes its head around in an attempt to jar you loose, you temporarily release the sword that's stuck in the creature's skull and cling onto its fur, clambering onto its brow like an oversized insect bothering a giant. Reaching down and freeing your weapon, you scale the Beast's face and scalp effortlessly until you're clinging onto the nape of its gigantic neck, barely avoiding getting scorched by the flames wafting from the fur along its spine. As it writhes around unthinkingly, you take careful aim with your longsword and drive its tip deep into the animal's neck, piercing its spine and brain-stem. The Beast of Calparia is slain.

The flames along the animal's back are extinguished instantaneously. It immediately seizes up, then collapses soundlessly, throwing you off its back with its final fall. You land on your feet with the grace of an elf, hands still clasped around your ichor-sodden sword. Without hesitation, you immediately set about hacking the creature's massive head from its shoulders.

After a few hours and loud curses of exasperation, you finally free the former Beast's head from its lifeless neck. You're not sure if you brought a large enough pike for such a gigantic and frightening visage, so you simply rope the thing to the back of your horse and drag it along behind you as you gallop in the direction of home victoriously. How shall you proceed when you arrive?

[SaberToothTiger]

"Lead me to your master!" I say we are going to be so full of shit and bragging they will see us as a great hero.

[TamerVirus]

eat the beast's meat in a stew and gain it's powers!

[Nunzillor]

Feed a portion of the stew to our horse too.

[Alev]

Examine your house. Exile all your best friends from house. make relatives become servants.