Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Person]

So, I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. I guess I'm basically still having it. I'm just going to get to the point I guess. Prepare for a wall of text where I use the word "feel" more than is probably strictly necessary.

I don't know what fun is. I don't think I ever knew what fun is. The video games I thought I know and love really just occupied my time better than alternatives. I don't think I really ever enjoyed myself playing games. Even in my tf2 days, the time in my life where it was basically all I played. I used to look back fondly on that time, but now I'm not sure I ever enjoyed it. When we won I don't think I was ever happy about it. There was certainly disappointment when we lost, but nothing else. There would be another round. There would always be another round.

In general I don't think I've ever really been happy. Maybe short bursts of pride for being able to play on a harder difficulty maybe, but never happiness.  The only friends I can really ever say I knew in real life other than my family are gone, and have been for years. I never even learned there last names. Even then, I'm pretty sure any fun I had was at their own expense. My whole past just feels like fog, and if I try to remember anything about my life, the only thing that comes to mind is what games I was playing at the time.

Its not even that I just forgot the names of those people or just never learned them. Everything about those people I regarded as friends. People I trusted. Its all gone. I don't remember a single facet of any of their personalities. Most of them were male, I think and even that is uncertain. Even the people I used to hate with such passion in my early days, all of my memories about them are basically gone. I've got two first names I could look for, and I don't want to do it. Because I fear how much of an idiot my past self was. I don't want to know what they really thought of me. Past me was a massive, collosal idiot and I have no way to refute that.

There's something wrong with me. For once in a long time, the fact that I don't feel anything seems like a bad thing to me. (Obligatory reference to the dwarven personality trait "Doesn't care about anything anymore" goes here.) There were a few times as a young child that I vaguely recall running around without a single care. I think those were the only times I ever lived rather than just existed. There was a time yesterday when I was lying down doing nothing but wallowing in my own misery. In that time, I picked up one of my portable gaming devices with the words "Might as well." Then, I immediately asked myself "What's the point?", and put it back down. I didn't even turn it on. I don't think I've ever done anything like that before.

Video games were my life, and now I know that all they were, was escapism. But I think I've been escaping the real world for so long that I never really existed in it at all. I always kind of liked the ambiguity of my name and such, and its cliche to say this. But I feel like I've become the mask as it were. I've always been on the sidelines, watching other people have things happen to them. I could never join in. I was just a person, some other guy, no one in particular. Someone incosequential person whose actions were unimportant, and not memorable.

I feel like I've always just been a burden. Like I've never contributed anything meaningful to anything. Having to have 3 expensive major surgeries before I even get my wisdom teeth out doesn't help that belief at all. I'm one of the physically weakest people I know my age. I could never find the time and effort to fix that. By this point I probably need to gain something like 20 pounds to be considered a normal weight for my height/age. Most days I can barely even eat more than 1 meal a day, but I'm not losing weight for it. Trying to gain muscle would inevitably make the goal of weight gain even harder unless I get to the point where I'm burning enough calories to need 3 meals a day again.

Its like I'm just a blank slate that's never been filled in. I feel like I don't even have an identity. I have a name certainly, and a face, and a few little quirks, but its like I'm not all there. Like something crucial is missing. I don't even know who I am anymore. I used to have breakdowns like this a long time ago, for me anyway in the past. Back then it was me lying to myself about the world hating me, but now I can't refute anything I'm saying about myself with kind words. Everything I've said to myself is true, and that's the worst part. At one point I tried thinking happy thoughts, only to have no truly fond memories to look back on. Back then I used to consider suicide regularly, but I was always too afraid of death to do it. I still am now. I'd have to ask someone to help me, and the social interaction that would require is beyond me, even if such things become legal. I still don't want to die. I want to live, but I don't know how. I want to feel emotions other than despair and anger. I feel like almost everything I say and do is fake. 90% of all the emotions I ever show, and the things I say are probably manufactured, because I don't even know how to be genuine.

If I ever dissapear from bay12 I've probably either died horrible or have some other health problem. Either that, or I've decided to try and detox from my addiction to games. Because that's all it really can be looking back. But I don't see that happening anything soon. Because games are all I have left. All I've ever had. I need to find something. I don't know what. And I don't know if I can manage the effort to look. I might need to find a real person. Make a real friend. I don't know if I can do that.

Yesterday I must have spent 2 or 3 hours staring at my computer screen doing nothing. When I decided to maybe catch up on Welcome to Nightvale, since it was something I liked and wouldn't require much input, I only found I couldn't focus. Hearing is practically automatic, and I couldn't bring myself to care enough about the only sound in the room. I'd almost like to relive my life to see if I can fix things, but I know I'd change things. Probably for the better of others. I'd probably try and stop 9/11 from happening, even as but a child. And that's why I know if someone were to ever receive such a chance, it wouldn't be me. I would be too busy trying to help others rather than myself. I suppose you could twist that into being a good thing. But all that means is that I don't really place any value on my own life. In the end I'd just end up watched by more people than I probably already am, and in the same situation.

There are only a few people that can really make me feel genuine emotions, albeit rarely, and basically none of them I know in real life. I always used to play with two of my cousins, but every time we ended up drifting apart for awhile, they'd rack up new accomplishments and successes. They would play music, do martial arts, gain real skills with meaning, fill their life with a purpose, even if it wasn't originally their own. I remained stagnant, and while they were off in their own lives, I could only wallow in my failure, and play video games.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I guess I need help. Professional help probably. But I guess bay12 will do for now.

(Sidenote: I've always said I'm bad at writing, but the way I've phrased some of this would probably impress me if not for the subject matter.)

[Inarius]

Well, you may be depressive and that state is painting all your memory and life in black and causing this emotional breakdown... It's a serious illness, and you should then probably consult somebody for this, or it will be much harder and longer than doing it alone (with quite hazardous outcomes). Loosing all sense of what is "happiness" or even "fun", these "what the point" moments, feeling some kind of fog around you, living in different level of greys, feeling alone, wrong and not understood.

If it's not the case, well, I really don't know.

[Person]

I'm probably looking at it worse than it is since I'm still caught up in it, but its still kind of a problem. Depression used to be sort of a big thing for me but back then I had the liberty of telling myself that I was being irrational and really nothing was wrong. Now I don't. I probably haven't had a major breakdown like this one for about a decade or so. I'm already on medication for this sort of thing, have been for almost as long as I can remember, but I guess in my realization I've sort of dumped all this crap on myself at once.

Edit: Honestly, the fact that I've been on that kind of medication for so long is probably part of the problem. I guess at first it was basically a choice between wildly uncontrollable emotions and no emotions at all, and when the uncontrollable emotions largely consist only of despair or rage, the choice was kind of obvious. Being under mood stabilizers/fixers like that for so long probably can't have a good effect when I look at it logically.

[LordBucket]

You know how people sometimes advise talking to yourself in a mirror to help you speak in front of audiences?

I need help

Talk to your heart.

[Person]

Could you sort of clarify what you mean by that? I mean I don't want to sound rude but I have absolutely no idea what that means. Like, how do I do that?

[timferius]

So, the way I see it, there are two issues at hand here, with different approaches:
A)You feel like you're lacking identity/fun in life, and are a blank slate. So fill in the slate! Start looking for social groups of different sorts, try some basic sport groups, see if there are any boardgame groups in your area if that intrigues you, there's tonnes of ways to meet people and tonnes of hobbies to take up these days, get out there and explore! Take up hiking, waking, jogging, geocaching. Start defining yourself! when on the computer, look for new things to check out, new paths of knowledge to pursue. Get in to reading books! Join one of the Bay12 social gaming groups and make internet friends!

The second part of what you need is to talk to someone in person about this. Start with a family member you're close to, if you feel comfortable talking to your parents that's great! And from there, you may want to look at more professional help. There is no shame, no failure, in talking to a counselor etc. when you're having life issues. If it is depression, realize that that's not always something you can pep-talk yourself out of. Mental health issues are legitimate diseases, not faults in your character.

Anyways, that's my 2 cents, hope it helps.

[Person]

I've never really been into sports. Tennis caught my interest for a time but once I realized I basically have zero hand eye coordination I quickly gave up on it. Not being able to hit the ball back more than once doesn't exactly help self esteem much. I might have actually landed 2 baskets in the history of my schooling in basketball. Archery does interest me somewhat but I have a feeling I'd just end up comparing my skills with others and feeling like I'll never be good enough.

Running/walking has interested me somewhat, but due to my lack of other physical activities I've never really had the stamina for it. Its something I can work on though. Every now and then I try and make it a goal to jog somewhere for awhile, even just around the block, but I always end up stopping after not very long. I'm going to probably try to start again soon.

I have looked into learning how to play music in the past but I'm not sure I could really commit myself to it. While I enjoy a good book, now I can only look at that and notice its just another way to escape the real world. I'll probably look into some real life groups. I have been playing some chess with real people occasionally lately, despite how bad I am at it. Odds are I'd just end up finding gaming groups, which is something I'm not sure I want.

To expand on the whole blank slate thing, in the past I've always had trouble putting myself in other people's shoes as the saying goes. This recent look into myself has made me aware that part of the reason I have trouble being other people, is that I don't even know how to be myself.

I agree with the second part completely, no denying that. Just might have more difficulty wording it in real life than I do here. I feel like I'd have to get through the whole thing to truly explain it, but I know any real person is going to stop me mid way and ask questions.

Edit: Just to clarify I'm not trying to say any of you aren't real people. Its just that... I can't even explain. You probably know what I mean though. This clarification is probably unnecessary especially since it actually clarifies nothing.

[LordBucket]

Could you sort of clarify what you mean by that? I mean I don't want to sound rude but I have absolutely no idea what that means. Like, how do I do that?

Imagine your heart as a self aware entity that is simultaneously a part of you, but distinct unto itself. Go somewhere where no one will see you and you won't feel embarrassed. Perhaps lie in bed with the lights off and the covers warmly over you like the safeness of the womb.

Talk. To your heart.

Literally, speak with words, like you would talk to another human being. Intend to communicate. With your heart. Maybe say hello. Say that you'd like to talk with her and listen to what she has to say. Then, listen. The response might not come in words. It might come in sensations. Or emotions. Pain, longing, joy. Or you might feel no response at all.

Keep talking. Keep listening. Hug your chest and tell your heart it's for her.

Whatever happens, whatever is said, it is for the two of you, and there is no need for approval from anyone else in the whole world.

I had an emotional breakdown

You can't think your way out of emotions. They do not analyze well. Emotions are to be experienced.

So, experience them. Accept them. Love them. They might not always be easy, but they are a part of who you are.

[JackOSpades]

 That defiantly sounds like some serious depression, your worse off than most but not anywhere near as bad as I got.
if you are already on medication it may be time to reexamine that medication (with your doctor's help of course) especially if there has been a recent change.

I understand the choice between having your emotions run wild and taking medication to help regulate them I've had that forever and I mostly let them run wild except for two years when I really badly needed the help because of going through some serious trauma.

and I know I had something similar happen to me while I was on my meds, luckily my insurance decided they weren't going to help cover the cost anymore and I had to stop taking them. because while they did help me for a time they eventually ended up with me at that point you are describing which then slowly cleared up after I dried out. I kinda figured the blank state I experienced was a sign they were no longer needed.

If the meds are to blame and switching or stopping them (again with your doctors help.) helps you clear this up be warned the memory Issues could very well be permanent. the two years I was on the meds I still only vaguely remember and it sounds like you have been on them much longer than that.

and look I know from experience that letting your emotions run wild is infinitely preferable to the empty emotionlessness the pills eventually bring about, even if them running wild takes you to some very dark places just so long as you don't do something stupid like commit suicide.

also you need a project, something in the real world that you can work towards and accomplish and then take pride in having accomplished whether it's woodworking or sewing or whatever. I wouldn't recommend music however because it's difficult and doesn't leave you with physical proof of your accomplishment.
the Exorcise is also beneficial, do some walking but don't just walk pointlessly have a goal in mind walk to somewhere maby a store or something.

[Person]

I'd actually been not taking the meds for awhile(probably a few months at this point) because I'm not exactly the most diligent person in the world, and I wasn't really having any incidents, so this kinda convinced me to take them again for a bit. Just to resolve it temporarily at least. Breakdown is basically over with by now but the issues it brought up in my mind are still prominent. I guess I'll try the talking to my heart thing but I feel like that's part of what got me into this mess in the first place. I actually managed to laugh at something again yesterday though so that's nice. So yeah, I definitely need a project though, even if I never end up finishing it as happens to all my past projects. Don't think where I live right now really has much going on but I'll see if I can have a look around. There's probably something, just a matter of finding it.

[Mohreb el Yasim]

I don't think we can call your state as depression, in my understanding, unless you do not skip work or if you do not try to harm yourself it is just ... well shortly called life. I do not think anybody feels better about the world around them, they just show off happiness and existence as it is the norm, it is accepted and easier to show, then to explain why do you are not feeling real, why do you want to understand something that no one does. Human mind is made to abstract from experience, and that provides it an efficient way to process data, which in turn ensures humanity's current position, so for someone his own reality is the part which he can not understand, as there is no other to compare to, and to conclude (i mean the personal perspective is something you only get once).
at least ... i.m.H.O.
Of course people might help you to give advice to uplift moral, on their own experience as in what is the "thing" that made them forget about their non-understanding. Let's take sport as an example:
> you go do sport, it fatigues you => less time to think about else.
> you even over do it => body reacts in defence (to ensure survival, and the capacity to go on when needed) by liberating endorfin (or something similar self made drog) so you "are" actually happy about doing sport.
>you do it with other people, so you make new friend which satisfies the social instinct in a human (being in a group => better chances of survival again).
so if we look at it yep all the life is a lie, we are not a thinking animal, just one quite ordinary, and at the end of it you are still lost and do not know if / how / yes or not do you exist. the help and advices are just there to not care about that void inside ... and in the end of the day thats the only thing that counts.

[timferius]

I don't think we can call your state as depression, in my understanding, unless you do not skip work or if you do not try to harm yourself it is just ... well shortly called life. I do not think anybody feels better about the world around them, they just show off happiness and existence as it is the norm, it is accepted and easier to show, then to explain why do you are not feeling real, why do you want to understand something that no one does. Human mind is made to abstract from experience, and that provides it an efficient way to process data, which in turn ensures humanity's current position, so for someone his own reality is the part which he can not understand, as there is no other to compare to, and to conclude (i mean the personal perspective is something you only get once).
at least ... i.m.H.O.
Of course people might help you to give advice to uplift moral, on their own experience as in what is the "thing" that made them forget about their non-understanding. Let's take sport as an example:
> you go do sport, it fatigues you => less time to think about else.
> you even over do it => body reacts in defence (to ensure survival, and the capacity to go on when needed) by liberating endorfin (or something similar self made drog) so you "are" actually happy about doing sport.
>you do it with other people, so you make new friend which satisfies the social instinct in a human (being in a group => better chances of survival again).
so if we look at it yep all the life is a lie, we are not a thinking animal, just one quite ordinary, and at the end of it you are still lost and do not know if / how / yes or not do you exist. the help and advices are just there to not care about that void inside ... and in the end of the day thats the only thing that counts.

I just wanted to say that, you don't need to miss work or want to harm yourself to suffer from depression. That's a bit of a misconception. Depression can be quite subtle at times, and affect people in different ways, it's not all about lethargy and masochistic thoughts. Depression isn't what you do, it's a legitimate form of illness that you can't just make go away.

[Mohreb el Yasim]

what i wanted to point out is that society as it stands at the moment does not care much more about it, you fill crappy, that's your thing, others will care for their feelings crappy, and eventually get concerned if that effects their life in some way ... harsh -> yes ... true -> YES
of course i personally understand that it is not the truth, but does not fall in the trap, feeling pointless is more common as you might think.
you need plans, probably what does are, is your choice, if someone else gives it to you it won't feel right at the end ... (or at least to me it doesn't)

[timferius]

 Ah, I guess it largely depends on where you're from. Here (Canada), while many people don't particularly understand mental health issues, proffessionaly it's understood much better, and there are a lot of information campaigns that run these days to help educate people.

[Libash]

   I was always different from the other people around me. I was deeply empathetic, but very strange, with no ability to hold conversations. I’ve suffered from anxiety disorders and depression since I was a small child, but I’ve honestly never found the labels that useful.
 I learned to be able to hold a basic conversation in 6th grade. Before that, I could only answer direct questions. I used to listen to my family talk and desperately hope someone would ask me a question and wait long enough for me to answer, so I could participate. It rarely happened, because without being able to vocalize it, they weren’t aware of the problem.
I have lost most of my old friends too. My best friend growing up was my younger brother, but he passed away suddenly a year ago.  I have trouble feeling certain emotions without him, his excitement and happiness told me when to be excited and happy. If you are like me, part of your problem is that you are so afraid of yourself and afraid of doing things wrong, so getting excited or letting yourself be happy if just too terrifying a loss of control. I always feel like I do everything wrong and don’t trust myself.
I have often felt like a pathetic, terrible burden on the people around me. I have also always been the outsider looking in. I was surprised to find that my family members never felt that way. (Except for my dad, who couldn’t stand me and used to harass me about being weird when I was younger.) You may find that people don’t see you that way either.
I had an emotional breakdown and dropped out of college a few years back. I hated myself. I never thought things could be okay again. I am okay though. Often, I still get very sad. The loss of my brother doesn’t help.  But I still have times where I am happy or feel accomplishment, and I did not think that I could have that again.
My only remaining friend and I talk long distance sometimes. When she is depressed, she often has trouble feeling things and becomes apathetic. She doesn’t think much of herself, and she is one of the sweetest and most brilliant people I know.
A lot of people won’t understand. And if what they say hurts you in a way that makes it harder for you to move forward, feel free to not listen to them. My advice is that you need something that will interest you and make you feel accomplished. I know that is a tall order, it was for me too. I found that programming and thinking up little games does the trick for me. Start experimenting. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time, make small steps and don’t beat yourself up.
 Loneliness also causes a lot of the things that you are describing. I can’t tell you what to do about that, because it is one of my biggest problems.
Also, I feel awkward mentioning it, since there is a lot of stigma associated with it, but there is also ADD medication. If you suffer from the disorder, it could cause you to have trouble focusing or investing in things. I used to have a brilliant friend who couldn’t function without it.
Er, I hope that wasn’t too rambly and was semi-helpful. (I’m not good with writing either, you see.)