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[Parsely]

Cool! Revenge story!

Alright, time for me to pick the lucky winners for turn 0..

[kj1225]

Ahem, I already had one.

[Parsely]

I never said it was the only one? :p Hush Kyle.

[UltraValican]

Should I rework my bio as well?

[Parsely]

Why? I don't see anything wrong with it.

[UltraValican]

I just wanted to make sure everything's cool.

[RAM]

You could announce the losers, then give them a chance to revise, then repeat the process a dozen or so times and cackle with glee as your victims fight to the death for a placement, then half or double the number of spots to make everyone's head explode...

[Parsely]

Now that I'm getting down to really reading these sheets, there might be some further issues as I check them more closely.

Cav personally possesses a deceptively-light but dense-looking form which conceals various structural augmentations using a mysterious material that was installed early in their life when they volunteered as a test subject for an experimental program. Some unusual property of the material seems to retard the aging process, but sadly the site was apparently destroyed shortly after the procedure took place, and Cavalier was never informed as to precisely what the material was.
 Their supplies are largely sparse, although they have an extensive supply of assorted weapons gathered over years of combat, none of the latest models, but all proven in battle.

This last paragraph is very mysteriously worded. You're talking about Cav, but then you're referring to multiple people further into it when you haven't mentioned anyone else before that. Please explain. Otherwise I like your sheet very much.

[Parsely]

He was born into a family of criminals and he spent his youth raiding and extorting various businesses within the slums of Lugh. The Sonken family were known as "Scourge of Goug".  People eventually got sick of it and a hit was put out on almost every known Sonken. Criminals worked in conjunction with police forces to try to eliminate every last Sonken.

They failed and now he's all alone in the world living out of apartment building in the slums of Goug all he has to his name is his leather Jacket, shades, and  his trusty pair of cestus emblazoned with a steel and jeweled Sonken family emblem, a sun with a X made of two great spears. His great grandfather used to tell him that the Sonken family emblem represented some sort of artifact his ancestors apparently stole from an angry Sun God that swore revenge, and that its visage had some sort of mystical property. Ever since Lugh got his spark, he feels...closer to the gloves for some reason.

You're making a lot of presumptions about Goug here, none of them correct. Goug have no slums and no criminal element, they're too small and too advanced. Very utopian, an ideal society. They're supposed to be the good guys in every single way!

Now the coastal towns are a completely different story. They've got slums, but it's just a community. They're not governed, so you'd just have vigilantes and an army of rival criminals hunting the Sonken's, there's no such thing as police here. Otherwise the sheet looks fine.

[Parsely]

He recently escaped from the hell that was the Siegliech Empire. He was outraged at the idea of using children as a tactic in the military so decided he as going to take them out. He realized he didn't stand a chance, so he became an alcoholic and drank away his problems. Then his hand suddenly caught fire.

Looks good so long as you meant that you were someone captured and indentured by the Siegs, and not that you were a natural born Sieg yourself. The Siegs don't want to escape, and no one would ever join them voluntarily either.

[ttlovepie]

He recently escaped from the hell that was the Siegliech Empire. He was outraged at the idea of using children as a tactic in the military so decided he as going to take them out. He realized he didn't stand a chance, so he became an alcoholic and drank away his problems. Then his hand suddenly caught fire.

Looks good so long as you meant that you were someone captured and indentured by the Siegs, and not that you were a natural born Sieg yourself. The Siegs don't want to escape, and no one would ever join them voluntarily either.

Yup, that's exactly what I meant. Should I edit that in to be more specific?
Edit: Also question, why wouldn't people want to leave, I mean the living environment seems wretched, and I doubt anyone would want they're young children charging into battle. I don't care how much your tradition is for war, that seems so against human instincts, unless of course they aren't human.

[Parsely]

They've embraced an ideology that's older than themselves. They're completely human, but when I meant everyone fights I just meant adult men and women, not kids. That's my fault.

Please edit, if you would.

[ttlovepie]

Ok, edited, how's it look?

[Parsely]

Looks good! They don't normally incorporate those they capture into their military, that's reserved for actual Siegs, but we'll just say there was an exception because you killed like a bunch of guys before they managed to take you down and they did it out of honor. That actually sounds super cool and it fits the picture I've got of the Siegs in my head, so yeah let's go with that.

A cave in the middle of nowhere, which is actually his top-secret base, equipped with anything he may need to conquer the world. Except the disposable mooks. He doesn't have any of those. He does have a lot of people working for him, though,

Middle of the desert I assume. What kinda people? Or is it okay if I guess?

civilians steer clear from him for fear of getting incinerated with his trusty and rusty homemade flamethrower

This being a nomadic and very dangerous world (read: NOT an apocalyptic one) most people aren't going to be that helpless. I can see how they might avoid someone with a reputation however.

Just sneaking away from former home in "Glorious Machine Republic of Progressivestan; small island chain quite near the desert mainland" after stealthily returning in secret to loot a bunch of stuff after being tossed out because pyromancer.

The first turn is literally going to be "oh hey what's thi- oh I'm on fire" and Goug are too nice to ever just straight throw you out or even be wary of you or your power at all.

-snip-

No issue with this one that I haven't already addressed, just wanted to say that the sheet is a lot less crazy than I thought if you actually read it word for word. Very descriptive if a bit longwinded, but I love it!


I'll wait 'til tomorrow to give people time to respond, edit and notify me of changes to their sheets. Then I can finish the judging.

[ttlovepie]

Looks good! They don't normally incorporate those they capture into their military, that's reserved for actual Siegs, but we'll just say there was an exception because you killed like a bunch of guys before they managed to take you down and they did it out of honor. That actually sounds super cool and it fits the picture I've got of the Siegs in my head, so yeah let's go with that.

Ok, so you want me to add that part about why I got abducted?