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[femmelf]

One of my brothers is going to be paying a visit to our family home.

He's been gone out of state for 6 years. Total radio silence from him. There are several reasons I don't trust this jerk.

He is incredibly controlling, disruptive and rude. The last time he was here was a disaster. I can already hear him spouting off about how things need to be different (they can't be; it's the economy).

Dad can't find a job, because there are none, so instead he sells used cars on the side that he buys and fixes up. Mom, who has numerous mental problems I feel bad for her about, complains about this constantly. There's nothing to be done. Nobody is going to hire my almost 70 year old dad, even if there were jobs. No, it's not a steady paycheck, but it's what he can get. We're not destitute and she should be grateful for it, because a lot of people are.

I also can't find a decent job. I help dad with marketing cars, around the house etc and I don't even ask them for money while my own ship sinks. I live with mom and dad while helping them as much as I can and looking for work. Again, it's the economy....

I'm sure my brother will not be satisfied with any of this and will complain like crazy while he is here. He's going to come in here, stir things up, and then leave again for several years. He won't have to deal with the consequences of his stirring shit up, but me and my parents certainly will. Sure man, come right on in, tell us all how to live ' cause you're brilliant and we're all dumb as hell, then leave again.... [sigh]

It's no accident that he plans to come on Mother's Day, so he can capitalize on my mom missing her kid. This is the first we've heard of him in several years, nothing on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Father's Day, nothing.... Not a phone call, not an email, nothing. Prior to that, he was a menace.

I'm planning to avoid him as much as possible, but it's a small house. He's going to wormtongue my mom and stir up all her mental problems and berate my dad for not having a job. He's going to bitch at both of them about why and how I suck; I'm sure. I'm sure he'll try it with me, but I'll tell him to screw off and make it clear I'm recording everything he says so he can spend some time in an out of state jail if he goes too far again. I'm planning on avoiding him, but it's mother's day, so most of my friends will be occupied with that, so....

How do I get through this?

[Trapezohedron]

Damn, no good advice to give here, cause if I told you to force him to leave when he gets aggressive, your parents wouldn't like it (I'm assuming they still care about him, from the sound of your posts).

I had an uncle who was pretty much like this. Freeloading, complaining and shit. We fought against him in court, because he would threaten to stab/throw hot oil at us if whatever he wanted wouldn't happen because we couldn't do it. The only time he stopped was when he got a stroke, and my mother paid for the hospital fees.

I was incensed at that time, but due to that, he became more lucid and was much friendlier.

However, I suppose that isn't relevant to me right now, because I'm not in good terms with him and my mother. But I digress.

I'd like to suggest being very assertive about the situation if ever he tries to control, but I wouldn't know how much of an effect it would have on your parents; whether they're okay with it or not. :\

[Tiruin]

What I understand is that you said your brother is a condescending jerk with a mind of the economy yet with a tongue worse than a viper, spewing side commentaries and nothing good but ideas that aren't even put into action.

...Well. He has a mind. He's not using it, to say the worst. :/
If someone can be as patronizing as that, then they should back it up by helping those who they see as 'under' them, in the least. If things need to be different, he should start it instead of forcing others to do it for him.
Or in the least, understand others (or care to communicate with them and drop these grudges).

Though...I don't think I understand the situation enough. You're predicting what he'll do?

[femmelf]

Basically dead on.

Yup, I'm predicting what he'll do based upon his repeated past actions. He had a steroids problem and was violent in the past too. That's no fun.

I think confronting this jerk in any way is going to lead to him putting up a fight. He'll be wrong about it like he always was and is, but it's exhausting and he'll wear me down by attrition (only so much screaming you'll take before you just say screw it).

[martinuzz]

Six years is a long time. People change.
You seem to have a lot of built up rage against your brother.
Who knows, you might have every right to that.

But since you mentioned you having a mom with 'numerous mental problems', constantly complaining about your dad not finding a job,
have you never wondered why your brother left in the first place, or why he developed steroid issues, and personality problems?

Have you, yourself, reflected on the impact that having a mentally unstable, complaining parent, combined with sustained bad economic situation has on people, especially people growing up? That goes for you and your brothers.

All I am saying, is, keep an open mind.
If you already condemn your brother before you even really talked to him, you might be burning your own ships.

Considering your father's age, combined with you writing about trying to find a job, I assume you are no minor.
Would it not be a good idea to find a place for yourself, even if it's just a dorm room to start out? Surely, without a job, the mere fact that you need to eat and drink puts some strain on the already bad economic situation of your parents?

[Meph]

Six years is a long time. People change.
You seem to have a lot of built up rage against your brother.
Who knows, you might have every right to that.

But since you mentioned you having a mom with 'numerous mental problems', constantly complaining about your dad not finding a job,
have you never wondered why your brother left in the first place, or why he developed steroid issues, and personality problems?

Have you, yourself, reflected on the impact that having a mentally unstable, complaining parent, combined with sustained bad economic situation has on people, especially people growing up? That goes for you and your brothers.

All I am saying, is, keep an open mind.
If you already condemn your brother before you even really talked to him, you might be burning your own ships.

Considering your father's age, combined with you writing about trying to find a job, I assume you are no minor.
Would it not be a good idea to find a place for yourself, even if it's just a dorm room to start out? Surely, without a job, the mere fact that you need to eat and drink puts some strain on the already bad economic situation of your parents?

Well said.

[femmelf]

And if I go, who exactly would do all the chores, housework, yardwork, errands, cooking, and other tasks my parents won't or can't do, for free? Trust me, I'm far from a drain on them:

I help dad with marketing cars, around the house etc and I don't even ask them for money while my own ship sinks. I live with mom and dad while helping them as much as I can and looking for work. Again, it's the economy....

I know growing up with a mom who has several mental problems has had several effects on all of us. The neglect, the abuse, etc, none of it was fun. The economy hasn't helped. I've managed the depression from that as well as I can without being destructive or even overly snarky, but rather I just retreat into myself most of the time. My brothers on the other hand have usually turned to drugs, alcohol, violence, etc while the girl picks up the pieces, typical. As mom and dad get older, I have a feeling I'll, more and more, be the one dealing with all the issues from that as well.

As for the condemning the brother thing, I maintain his history does that for him nicely. This is especially true of the "drugs, alcohol and violence," part. I've never harmed him one bit and he has, among several other examples, previously threatened to kill me while holding me up off the ground by my hair in a lovely steroid rage. He has never so much as apologized for any of it.

I realize the tone of these posts may seem somewhat overly sensitive. I apologize for that, but there is a ton of pain behind it all and his visit is stirring all of that up. If he wants to apologize for all the years of abuse, etc, I'd listen, but I don't think that's a step he's even considered.

[martinuzz]

I am sorry if I may have sounded harsh. I tend to be rather direct, and am aware of that.
They say here in the Netherlands "gentle healers make stinking wounds". Proverb is probably the same in english.
In my experience, being bluntly straightforward is much more helpful than just saying "aw I feel for you girl, here have a tissue" 

If you feel obliged to stay with your parents, to support them, that speaks for your character.
However, could you not still do a lot, if not as much for them, if you moved out to a place nearby?
It sounds like you have had a lot of responsibilities thrown your way.
There's only so much one single human being can give, without burning him / herself out.
And if that happens, you're no good to help anybody.

Forget what I said about you costing food and drink, that was not really what I meant to say.
I meant to say, for your own well-being, getting some distance sounds to me like it couldn't hurt.
Having "a place of your own" can do a lot for a person's peace of mind. Trust me.

Surely there's some menial job to be found that can afford you a room? Cleaning restaurant kitchens, walking old lady's dogs, whatever?
You can still eat with your parents all, or a few days a week, combining that with care, and saving on your own living costs.
And do stuff like putting up an internet ad; call yourself "tourist taxi" with big flashy letters, and when you get a reply, use your dad's contacts to borrow a taxi-worthy vehicle to ferry some kids around, and split the profits with your dad. Just saying the first thing that comes to mind. Be creative.

[femmelf]

Jobs, even crappy ones are scarce here. Plus, that's another lovely financial strain on me if I have my own place while doing work for mom and dad for free. I'm not upset or anything with you or your response anyhow. It's just not practical at the moment.

Sadly, life is what it is for me at the moment. Question is, how to cope....

Dad just gave me a little bit of cash ($15) to go and do something tomorrow; I'm gone. It seems we've finally been told that he's going to be here very early in the morning.... [sigh]. Nothing like less than 12 hours of warning. I wish I knew when he was leaving so I could know when to come back home without worrying if he would be there or not (aiming for not).

What can I say? I am looking for mental and emotional coping methods.

[Vector]

I am in therapy to help me deal with a similar situation. Here is what I do:

1. If it's a time-limited situation in which I cannot enforce my boundaries, try to act to minimize fights. It doesn't matter if the other person wants a fight. You are not going to meet their bait. You are going to be nothing but calm and reasonable. This is not because you are in the wrong, it is because a fight will be more exhausting and you will feel better as you watch the jerk keep trying to get your goat for basically no reason.

2. If you can enforce your boundaries, enforce them with great prejudice.

3. When you need to be calm, I've found taking a deep breath and thinking: "This person is sick" has done me a world of good. I also find people with whom I can make fun of the person in question behind their back. I agree that this would normally be cruel behavior, but let me just say that my mother proves practically daily that it's a justified tactic.

4. Lie. Lie a lot. Lie about your feelings, downplay your achievements, do whatever you have to do to get along as much as you can. You are not going to have a "real" relationship with this person. Lie with a smile on your face as much as you can. Change the topic of situation to something that they're interested in. This way if they go off on you, they'll be going off on something false and it'll hurt a bit less.

5. Fantasize about getting revenge. Don't actually do it, but this is pretty much the #1 situational depression strategy, apparently.


This is the best I've got, but so far, let me just say that it's helped a lot and I'm doing much better despite living under the thumb of my abuser(s).

[femmelf]

Thanks Vector, that really did help a lot.

He was a pill but yeah, I managed to avoid and deal with him as best I could. I appreciate all of your help.

[Vector]

.

[Tiruin]

Great to see it went well

...Though I can't get the metaphor of being a pill :x

Wishing you well from here on.