Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: [1] 2

Author Topic: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?  (Read 5866 times)

highmax28

  • Bay Watcher
  • I think this is what they call a tantrum spiral...
    • View Profile
Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« on: April 14, 2014, 09:35:15 pm »

I'm not going to go into much detail, but I got a friend who, first and foremost, I have strong feelings towards. Secondly, she has been through hell for most of her life with problems with her mother. She lives on her own with her roommate, and she's (in a very rude way to say it since I'm bad with words in some cases) paranoid about her mother. She wishes to speak to a family friend of mine (her aunt) but refuses to call her because she believes that there is the chance she may give her number to her mother. My mother claims the family friend is trustworthy, and will not arrange a meeting with them in person. Me being the stupid chivalrous idiot I am, I want to help her deal with this and other issues she has but I'm at a loss.

On TOP of that, with the same lady friend, things happened the past night and we kind of cuddled (my arm over her, our heads leaning on one another , not sure if you can define it as such) but after awhile she got up and told me not to touch her... 15 minutes after she seemed perfectly fine with it (I had my arm on her, but she leaned in). A little point I should add here is she has had bad relationships, but I can't tell if I should consider that good or bad (the cuddling and her cutting off, not the bad relationship). How should I take this, and what do I do next? :-\
Logged
just shot him with a balistic arrow, i think he will get stuned from that >.>

"Guardian" and Sigfriend Of Necrothreat
Jee wilikers, I think Highmax is near invulnerable, must have been dunked in the river styx like achilles was.
Just make sure he wears a boot.

mastahcheese

  • Bay Watcher
  • Now with 20% less sanity and trans fat!
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2014, 11:18:18 pm »

Ok, first off, you're not an idiot. Chivalry does not make you one.

Secondly:

On TOP of that, with the same lady friend, things happened the past night and we kind of cuddled (my arm over her, our heads leaning on one another , not sure if you can define it as such) but after awhile she got up and told me not to touch her... 15 minutes after she seemed perfectly fine with it (I had my arm on her, but she leaned in). A little point I should add here is she has had bad relationships, but I can't tell if I should consider that good or bad (the cuddling and her cutting off, not the bad relationship). How should I take this, and what do I do next? :-\

I would normally consider myself to be the single worst person to talk to about relationship advice, but I was in almost this exact same situation, where she both wanted to be near me, and was reluctant to do so.

I'm really glad you pointed out her history with bad relationships, because my wife had the same thing.

If it's anything like the situation I was in (I'm not sure of all the details, so think about this carefully) then I'd say she likes you, but she's afraid of a relationship ending up the same way as her past ones.

My suggestion? Don't try too hard to be with her in a romantic way, or anything like that. Just try to consistently be there for her. When she's upset, try to be there to comfort her, just try to be the best friend you can. I can't claim to really know what's going on, but I'm pretty sure she'll want you to be there for her.
Logged
Oh look, I have a steam account.
Might as well chalk it up to Pathos.
As this point we might as well invoke interpretive dance and call it a day.
The Derail Thread

nenjin

  • Bay Watcher
  • Inscrubtable Exhortations of the Soul
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2014, 09:42:01 am »

I once had a woman invite me to sleep in her bed with her, because I didn't have one at the time. We end up cuddling.  About the only thing between us and sex was our clothes. But being a gentlemen, I waited for permission, which I never got.

Next morning, I'm super confused and she acted like the whole thing was my idea.

Women can be very....mercurial when it comes to yes/no. Sometimes I'm sure they even know what they really want until it happens.

Quote
Ok, first off, you're not an idiot. Chivalry does not make you one.

But it can make you completely blind to reality sometimes. They don't call it "White Knighting" for nothing. My advice would be: step back, take a look at her and yourself. Mothers are often wrong because they're mothers, but they're often right for the same reason. Are you wanting to get involved because you like her....or because you honestly want to help.

I've entered several relationships with women with troubled pasts....and you haven't even begun to learn what she's probably been through. Your heart tells you that you can make her life better, make her happy, take away her pain.......when the truth is, she can actually do the reverse of those things to you.

I'm not making any judgments about her or her situation. Just realize you're hard wired by nature to respond to a female in distress, but that doesn't always mean it's a good idea for you to do so.

Just be honest with yourself about why you're doing what you're doing. If you really do care about her situation and are ok not having a real relationship with her (maybe because she doesn't want one)...then you won't be surprised.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2014, 10:36:00 am by nenjin »
Logged
Cautivo del Milagro seamos, Penitente.
Quote from: Viktor Frankl
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Quote from: Sindain
Its kinda silly to complain that a friendly NPC isn't a well designed boss fight.
Quote from: Eric Blank
How will I cheese now assholes?
Quote from: MrRoboto75
Always spaghetti, never forghetti

Knight of Fools

  • Bay Watcher
  • From Start to Beginning
    • View Profile
    • Knight of Fools
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2014, 10:31:47 am »

If you really want your relationship to advance beyond "friends who occasionally cuddle" then you should find a way to let her know that you're open to the idea of bringing the relationship further, but you're perfectly happy letting her determine the bounds of the relationship.

Because if I know anything, it's that she's just as human as you are, and she's just as confused and conflicted as you are. Maybe even more so. Women have a lot of societal pressures to act a certain way, so you have to try to understand things from her perspective. She's had a rough childhood from the sounds of it, and some rough relationships in the past. She's afraid to take steps towards something that could make her happy because of those negative experiences. She probably has had her self confidence damaged and is afraid to take risks when it comes to relationships. It's going to be up to you to let her know that the door's open to something more happening, but she's the one who has to walk through it. That last bit's very important. Neither of you should hop into something that you're unwilling to do.


How exactly you let her know about this is up to you, and you can be as subtle or as blunt as you want.

My advice? Be frank. Tell her up straight in the gentlest way possible. Reading the tea leaves can be the worst part of trying to progress a relationship, and it's difficult enough when you're dealing with someone who's confident and is willing to take risks. Your friend isn't either of those, and while it should be a goal of yours to encourage her to be more confident and happier, that doesn't mean that you can't try out for a steady relationship until then. Heck, part of her lack of self confidence could be because she doesn't know why you don't try to progress the relationship. Men are expected to be the instigators after all.

Find a good time, when you're alone and it's quiet. Ask her if you can ask a question, then ask her if she's willing to let your relationship progress beyond what it is now. Leave what your relationship actually is to be ambiguous, since she may see it differently than you. The important thing here is to let her know that you're open to the idea (But don't be desperate, and if you are, don't let her see that), and that you're willing to let her be the one who determines how fast things go.

At this point she may be worried that you're just after sex, so be careful about making any innuendo: Sex can be part of a relationship, but it's not what makes relationship. Judging from her reactions to being with you she may have had some bad experiences that started with just a little physical contact, so it's best to let her determine when something like that will progress (So long as you're comfortable with it, naturally - It's a two way street, and you should meet in the middle).

So just tell her. The friend zone sucks, but the most likely culprit is that she doesn't know that you're willing to get out of the friend zone and have a serious relationship. She may also have some trust issues that have nothing to do with you, so don't push into territory you're not sure she's willing to go.


As for everything else having to do with her mother... I can't give much advice there, other than that it'll probably be an issue until she gains some self-confidence and self-worth, and even then it could be an issue for her. Just focus on the two of you for now, since that's all that's really important, and be there to help her out if she needs it.

Good luck. I hope everything works out.
Logged
Proud Member of the Zombie Horse Executioner Squad. "This Horse ain't quite dead yet."

I don't have a British accent, but I still did a YouTube.

Zangi

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2014, 03:24:25 pm »

She wishes to speak to a family friend of mine (her aunt) but refuses to call her because she believes that there is the chance she may give her number to her mother. My mother claims the family friend is trustworthy, and will not arrange a meeting with them in person.
Get one of em fancy pre-paid cell phones.  Or... use a friend's or even your phone to make contact.
Logged
All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu...  This is the truth! This is my belief! ... At least for now...
FMA/FMA:B Recommendation

TD1

  • Bay Watcher
  • Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2014, 09:32:01 pm »

Leave her to operate in her own time.

I agree with Mastah; Chivalry is something dying, but much needed. I would not sacrifice that over most other things. It is not stupid; it is courageous.

Also, take it slowly, I think. She seems like she wants time. Just be there for her and don't press to hard; things will work out.

Best of luck.
Logged
Life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination
  TD1 has claimed the title of Penblessed the Endless Fountain of Epics!
Sigtext!
Poetry Thread

BFEL

  • Bay Watcher
  • Tail of a stinging scorpion scourge
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2014, 07:07:07 am »

It is not stupid; it is courageous.

Dwarfy, THATS NOT HOW SYNONYMS WORK. They are directly related, not inversely :P

Also I suggest the "get the hell away from craziness" path.

Or if you're too "chivalrous" to do that, then at least the "give her space" path.
Logged
7/10 Has much more memorable sigs but casts them to the realm of sigtexts.

Indeed, I do this.

highmax28

  • Bay Watcher
  • I think this is what they call a tantrum spiral...
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2014, 09:01:21 am »

I forgot about this until BFEL came and necroed it (praise be the great High Lord Threadromancer?)

But things are going well and first and foremost, I thank you all for your advice, and let's just say things are going more smoothly now. It's still a long way from making it 100% better, but it should be getting better now
Logged
just shot him with a balistic arrow, i think he will get stuned from that >.>

"Guardian" and Sigfriend Of Necrothreat
Jee wilikers, I think Highmax is near invulnerable, must have been dunked in the river styx like achilles was.
Just make sure he wears a boot.

TD1

  • Bay Watcher
  • Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2014, 09:03:19 am »

I'd be annoyed at the necro....but it's BFEL  :P

Besides, we're gonna be asking you to necro for us in a bit, so we'll live with it!
Logged
Life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination
  TD1 has claimed the title of Penblessed the Endless Fountain of Epics!
Sigtext!
Poetry Thread

BFEL

  • Bay Watcher
  • Tail of a stinging scorpion scourge
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2014, 09:37:41 am »

It's still a long way from making it 100% better

So I take it you did not get "all up in her wich yo' mini-playa?"
Logged
7/10 Has much more memorable sigs but casts them to the realm of sigtexts.

Indeed, I do this.

highmax28

  • Bay Watcher
  • I think this is what they call a tantrum spiral...
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2014, 09:41:10 am »

It's still a long way from making it 100% better

So I take it you did not get "all up in her wich yo' mini-playa?"
Uhhh.... I'm not sure what you mean by that...
Logged
just shot him with a balistic arrow, i think he will get stuned from that >.>

"Guardian" and Sigfriend Of Necrothreat
Jee wilikers, I think Highmax is near invulnerable, must have been dunked in the river styx like achilles was.
Just make sure he wears a boot.

mastahcheese

  • Bay Watcher
  • Now with 20% less sanity and trans fat!
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2014, 07:10:51 pm »

...Just ignore him, highmax, he still's giddy over his "sword enhancement" spell.
Logged
Oh look, I have a steam account.
Might as well chalk it up to Pathos.
As this point we might as well invoke interpretive dance and call it a day.
The Derail Thread

highmax28

  • Bay Watcher
  • I think this is what they call a tantrum spiral...
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2014, 08:48:47 pm »

...Just ignore him, highmax, he still's giddy over his "sword enhancement" spell.
Well...
Logged
just shot him with a balistic arrow, i think he will get stuned from that >.>

"Guardian" and Sigfriend Of Necrothreat
Jee wilikers, I think Highmax is near invulnerable, must have been dunked in the river styx like achilles was.
Just make sure he wears a boot.

BFEL

  • Bay Watcher
  • Tail of a stinging scorpion scourge
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #13 on: May 01, 2014, 09:41:50 pm »

Penis Highmax, I meant your penis in her vagina.

Also, I don't see how its THAT much of a necro, I mean ten days? On the Life Advice board that's still not off the front page man :P

Oh, and I can't believe you still remember about that sword spell Mastah. BTW, HOW IS THE MAP COMING ALONG? :P
Logged
7/10 Has much more memorable sigs but casts them to the realm of sigtexts.

Indeed, I do this.

highmax28

  • Bay Watcher
  • I think this is what they call a tantrum spiral...
    • View Profile
Re: Problems with Lady Friend... Help?
« Reply #14 on: May 01, 2014, 09:59:30 pm »

Penis Highmax, I meant your penis in her vagina.

Also, I don't see how its THAT much of a necro, I mean ten days? On the Life Advice board that's still not off the front page man :P

Oh, and I can't believe you still remember about that sword spell Mastah. BTW, HOW IS THE MAP COMING ALONG? :P
He already answered on his derail thread. Life caught up to him, he should be working on it in the next coming weeks... Hoepfully
Logged
just shot him with a balistic arrow, i think he will get stuned from that >.>

"Guardian" and Sigfriend Of Necrothreat
Jee wilikers, I think Highmax is near invulnerable, must have been dunked in the river styx like achilles was.
Just make sure he wears a boot.
Pages: [1] 2