Last night, I was surprised by an old visitor again, the classic hand spider (Giant Huntsman, as big as my hand is wide, thumb tip to pinky tip; big sucker. For better reference, about the size of a light switch or electrical outlet panel). Spent a good 15 minutes hunting it in my room, and it proved my furniture rearrangement quite effective in pest control, and outsmarting those 8-legged intruders; or at least, minimizing their surprise effect, and making tracking them once spotted a hell of alot easier.
It was an epic fight, but considering the circumstances of how I won, I still sorta felt bad about that execution with a combo of glass cleaners and a putter. I wasn't able to mercy kill it after poisoning it soon enough (as I usually try to when I exterminate them. I prefer as quick a death as possible. You know, just in case a karmic death by them would occur, I'd like it to be on as good terms as possible, despite my past methods and mistakes; essentially, asking forgiveness towards their species for my fear-ridden genocidal rampage on their species. I don't expect an immediate forgiveness, naturally, but any sign of easing up on their behaviors around me would do well enough. I'm aware the kind of demon I must be to them.). Oddly enough, what felt like a familiar voice of conscience came over me and essentially gave me a way to make my penance with them once and for all, and undo well over 20-odd years of damage caused by a somewhat mutual mortal fear on both ends of the scale (my killing and their fear-inducing presence).
Basically, I spared the life of a much smaller hand spider (About twice the size of a bottlecap) some time ago, and it's been chilling out in my bathroom for a good while, and minding my presence (essentially, this is how I feel about the sharks and other creatures on the beach (includes land animals at the nearby national park (cougars (feline, not the other variety) and such))). Essentially, I('ve been) offered (offering) that as long as they keep their distance, death is not assured, though the opposite is also warned.). Anyway I felt an idea of how to slowly, but surely go about it, and attempt to conquer one of my worst fears (amongst the top ranking).
As of right now, I attempted to keep some distance, and make indirect-yet-direct (or is it vice-versa?) contact with it. Basically, I put a sheet of paper towel between contact with my hand and the spider. Basically, looking at the situation from a more outside perspective, ignoring species, I keep up my fears, I'm essentially scared of a child here. Given my age, relatively speaking, that's kinda sad.). Anyhow, I looked up information on the harmlessness of the ones around my house, and wanted to test something out. Giving benefit of a doubt that no matter what I say, I'm speaking an alien tongue. Keeping with my peace offering of respecting property and mutual sparing of sanity/life, I guess an example would be a language easier to understand: body language. Most of the time, I've been seen armed with a weapon or in a generally threatening posture, with a kill record to back that up (and a pretty scary reputation of how I killed them all those times; I guess you can say, I saw the pain in that giant spider as it was convulsing to death after being soaked in windex and oxy clean (and I've been hotboxed when cleaning with Windex before by accident (lotsa mist, tight area), so I can sympathize the pain quite well. I really do feel bad about my kills, even the most threatening situations. Essentially, I accept the fact that I'm a demon to something (in this case, mutually, the spiders), and am attempting redemption here.). Essentially, I slowed down my movements and had my hand outward as harmless as I could make it, with the paper towel in hand to keep distance (not ready to make bare contact yet). Oddly enough, that thing let me pretty much tap it's feet with the paper towel before it decided "screw this, I'm moving that-a-way" and hid behind the nearest thing I can't contact it (couldn't blame it, it was in a corner, and I am a god-sized executioner to it).
On the plus side, I have an idea of what they relatively see as respectable distance. I can imagine, seeing as they have kept other pests at bay (ants, roaches and the like), being poisoned and then crushed upon meeting a giant, post-mortem, they'd be rather pissed off, as if they were betrayed. This is probably the main reasoning behind my penance towards them, as slow as molasses it is developing. At least it's progress. If any of the rough luck I've had lately has anything to do with it, at least I was honest from the start, and do feel bad for the kills I've made. I mean, I wouldn't feel too cool about being killed off for no apparent reason for chilling out somewhere, maybe being on a well-deserved day off from something else; just because of an irrational or semi-rational or even entirely rational fear of me or my kind by something far greater than myself, regardless of form. I mean, at least when hunted by a predator, my corpse is at least feeding them, but killed out of fear, considering how long the corpse remains as it is, is pointless and/or useless, and from that similar perspective from before, kinda a waste of time and resources that could have otherwise been put to better use.
Hell, kinda like with cats (domesticating them), I have to learn to respect the spiders around my house, at least, for their pest control abilities; seeing as I have plenty of food around my stuff, plus I don't like having bugs around my computer physically as much as digitally. And lastly, considering how many times I've proclaimed how ballsy I am, that image can be shattered immediately if someone decides to sneak a spider on or near me. Not to mention, if/when I have a family of my own, I have to be the example of bravery for the next generation. So yeah, it's a fear that needs to be conquered. The sooner, the better. No matter how long it takes, as long as it's an effective method and pace, and yields the desired result, so be it.
I suppose that applies to all fears. The way I see it, I will remain fearful of them, but more as I see God, in terms of fear. I don't call myself a God-fearing individual. I mean, I've cursed Him out numerous times upon total frustration. But for what it's worth, I respectfully fear Him. I understand His power, capability, range, and outright patience for our behaviors as His creation and all, and like any bit of data on our machines, we can easily be removed and just as quickly forgotten without second thought. ...Yeah. Now apply that to spiders. I want to respectfully fear them, and kill them only if it means my survival (as either food, or preventing an ironic death by venom/poison, and then crushed by some other thing like a horror movie; silly as that sounds (took a Final Destination angle there, seeing as Death is a dick in those movies)). Basically, I want to rationally fear the ones that CAN kill me, and not mind, nor irrationally fear, those I know are not harmless (despite that, I still killed them; kinda what I'm making up for mostly. So many potentially innocent and needless deaths at my hand that could've otherwise saved some exterminator bills and cans of bug bombs), but mutually find me as intrusive as I saw them as intrusive. I get attacked, consider the first bite a warning shot.
Basically, I want to treat the huntsman and giant (aka- hand spider) variety with the same respect as those tiny daddy-long-legs that hang out in the corners of the house.
EDIT:
In regards to my progress, I'm starting off with the small spiders, and working my way up. Basically, I want to actually hold a hand spider in my hand to prove their namesake. Given that I'm an arachnophobe, it'll say alot for me, and about me. Unfortunately, yet fortunately, I know of their rather harmless bite (non- or minimally poisonous), and need to get bitten at least once (inducing that reaction or not; and as Adam Savage proved in an episode of Mythbusters, seeing as he's an arachnophobe as well, is apparently not easy.). Kinda like respecting a taser by getting shot by one; same about mace. I need to feel a sample bite, so I know just how harmless/harmful they really are. Considering the chances that these things have walked on me overnight for countless nights, and have accepted that, and have had my share of odd wounds here and there or bites upon waking up, I need to accept it while conscious to make it count. Based on overnight irritation and mysterious marks left behind, my only other reference is that their bite and poison is about as effective as the local stinging nettles (painful, but can be dealt with (depending on tolerance and amount taken in). More uncomfortable and inconvenient, than painful. Like a funny bone pain in a localized area. Really itchy though.). In other words, painful and inconvenient, but not fatal by a long shot. Post-blistering, they're then as inconvenient as a blemish or zit, and can be removed just as easily and painlessly, and heal over with minimal scarring. Keeping in mind the nature and form of the species and such also helps. Had to stomach looking at a closeup or two to understand them more. The ones I deal with are hunters, badass enough to not require a strong poison nor webbing, and fast as an arachnid roadrunner; really damn effective against the local roaches which are speedsters, and way more intrusive than the spiders. Keeping that in mind, I really shouldn't fear, but instead respect them, and even if hurt, they can't hurt (badly, at least, and I'm not allergic to their venom, nor is it designed to destroy everything, like the tiny fatal ones like brown recluse and black widows (which do hang out more inland, BTW; and they are a justifiable/rational breed to worry about for those reasons)).
Nonetheless, like I said, it's a pathetically tiny amount, but it's progress at least. Better than none at all.
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Topic: Things You Accomplished Today (Read 17775 times)