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Author Topic: Little Brother problems  (Read 4645 times)

smurfingtonthethird

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2014, 08:04:02 am »

A what now? He's no trouble when unarmed, but if he catches me off guard armed and I haven't got my trusty metal pole, I'm in trouble.
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Knick

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2014, 11:54:55 am »

A what now? He's no trouble when unarmed, but if he catches me off guard armed and I haven't got my trusty metal pole, I'm in trouble.

"Pulling and Ender" mean beating him so badly he can never--or will never retaliate.  Because God knows THAT'S never gone wrong in real life.

If you are defending yourself, you can use violence only insofar as the aggressor is no longer threatening you physcially at that time--mouthing off does not count.  A pre-emptive attack that "pulls and Ender"--from Ender's Game, BTW--will land you in custody.  If you are serious that you need a "trusty metal pole", then you are well past the stage where you should be dealing with this on your own.  Assuming all that you have said is true--and I am saying this only knowing one side of the problem--talk to someone who is there, who knows you, and knows your brother!  I am assuming you have parents who know what is going on!

Can I suggest again--anyone who is advocating violence as your response will not have to deal with the consquences of your actions!  You, and your family will.

If this is a real problem, please--get help!  Ask for help!  Someone who is there, and not annonymous people behind a computer!
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Urist McScoopbeard

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2014, 07:47:17 pm »

seriously, go talk to your parents. right fucking now. Tell them this shit.
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Tiruin

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2014, 03:36:31 am »

I am shocked and appalled by some of the advice here. Why give advice that is based on the length of your own yardstick?
This was my initial reaction and after a while to check on the matter, I find it a bit too exaggerated. Still, the idea lies that...some seem to judge based on their own perceptions and not of the young.
...I find it hard for me to word my message but I really do hope it gets through.



@OP: I'd really suggest to not use blanket terms to give the concept of the problem out. First, assess his behavior--the fault, I believe, comes from how you react to it, and what he's being exposed to.
One reference that echoes the idea--unless your brother was diagnosed with being bipolar (and really...even then)--is on how you react to him. Why push against his annoyance without, seemingly, any way to help him or guide him against it?
Heh, data you shall receive. He's about 14, average student, massive gaming fan. Spends most of his free time either drawing or playing Terraria. Professional help is probably a no, avoidance is tricky since he annoys me endlessly for his own amusement, and quantum slapping him will just end in another fight.

On my part, I am a bit of a jerkass to him. He is a pain in the butt, though.
Given this whole post here, it seems like you lack understanding of the matter given that you're downplaying professional help. Though the information is appreciated.

Firstly: Talk to your parents about it. Talk to a professional about it. Avoidance, ignorance and plain exchange of anger vs anger is NOT even near the correct way of helping him out!
So, lure him into professional help, hold the line and avoid him? Sounds like a plan.
"Lure"ing people doesn't work, and if it does-it won't in the long run. It speaks of malevolence.
Holding the line and avoiding him?
Even worse.

He is your brother. Why are there statements that advice to instigate him by advocating force?
A what now? He's no trouble when unarmed, but if he catches me off guard armed and I haven't got my trusty metal pole, I'm in trouble.
This speaks to me that you are approaching the situation wrongly.
It isn't that he's armed is the problem-but why he chose to arm himself. When someone does such, then it generally means that they've nowhere else to go but to be defensive. Was there any note on attacking you or anyone else about it? Was he angered into that state?
Please do assess how you treat him before stating that he's a primary cause of problems, because based on how I guess he's being treated, his behavior isn't the only problem.

You do not treat someone who is angered or annoying you with aggression and lacking guidance or advice.
That never helps.
You do not beat someone so far that s/he will not retaliate to 'fix the problem'. That is beyond stupid and inhumane.
Violence is always the last resort--the last line to ever be crossed.


Note: I'm addressing how the people react to each other and not the person as a whole, their behavior is what I'm talking about to stop any intrusive thoughts on me targeting the person instead of the character.

PS: I can't sense sarcasm online, so I treat posts as they are, including the content of them, as they are, to probably explain how...irked I am.

PPS: If I sound mean or somesuch like that, I'm not (and don't intend to be :X), but I'm more angry at the matter of treating the person rather than who the person is. It's...more against that certain bad characteristic that's there than anything.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2014, 04:10:35 am by Tiruin »
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Eagleon

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2014, 01:18:48 pm »

If you do seek "professional" help, I would be intensely wary if they actually do make a diagnosis. Not every psychologist that's willing to deal with kids has the background to do so, sadly. Overdiagnosis is a real thing that can do real damage growing up. From personal experience, even the idea that there's something wrong with you mentally can actually precipitate very negative feelings towards the world and everything in it.

I had a veritable arsenal bristling in my room growing up - it all stemmed from abuse from my father, I didn't feel safe, so I collected swords, knives, made all sorts of makeshift weapons, etc. I wasn't willing to talk to my psychologist (or anyone) about it then, so I was misdiagnosed with depression. Pills everywhere! Yes, I should have said something instead of making my room sharp, but the point is that kids often really don't trust psychologists enough to do that and get at what's really bothering them, so a drug-happy one can do more harm than good.

Talk to your parents, but I would say that at the very least it's worth it to talk to him on equal grounds (not over touchy subjects, or even to begin with why he's so angry with you). You're family, you have to make sure he at least knows he can come to you, because it's just another form of abandonment to dump a kid into the care of professionals and refuse to communicate - psychology hasn't gotten to the point where therapy can replace an actual childhood. If he gets angry, back off, but keep trying.

Though I can't say for absolute certain, it's unlikely that he actually wants to hurt you, and probably feels shitty about threatening you in the first place. He probably feels cornered (as tiruin says, weapons are usually a sign of desperation and lack of power), so make sure he knows he doesn't have to talk to you at all. Remind him that you're his brother. That's usually all it takes to at least introduce some sanity and avoid knife-fights.
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Tiruin

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2014, 10:59:01 pm »

Psychology hasn't gotten to the point where therapy can replace an actual childhood.
And it never will.

Take it from me, as a researcher and student in such--you'll only experience childhood once, you can get therapy a thousand or more times in your life.

Not every psychologist that's willing to deal with kids has the background to do so, sadly.
O_o
Really?
Where I see it--they all do, though the differences (and probably problems, I assume you refer to here) go on about how they do their process.

Though I can't say for absolute certain, it's unlikely that he actually wants to hurt you, and probably feels shitty about threatening you in the first place.
This is what I also forward. Nobody is inherently evil (and as it could be argued, inherently good, but still-if you've lived with him in that kind of rate and such and such, I really doubt he'd be sociopathic or whatever.).
People hold certain values in their lives or how they perceive others and their interactions with them. For all you know-any display of anger isn't at anyone in his vicinity, but at himself because he's causing you pain, as another viewpoint. That he respects you.

Try to think from his shoes without bias.
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martinuzz

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2014, 11:29:31 am »

Why hasn't Ductape been suggested yet?


On a more serious note: if he really grabs a knife, my advice would be, to get some serious help, before someone gets horribly injured.
A knife to your gut area does more damage to your growing up than an overdiagnosis will do to your brother.
Does he kill small animals for fun, ever since he was 5? In that case, do not wait 5 more minutes with getting that help

« Last Edit: March 22, 2014, 11:33:51 am by martinuzz »
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Talvieno

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2014, 01:05:26 pm »

Okay, here's my thoughts... take them as you will.

My younger brother was the exact same way when he was 12-14. The exact same way, down to the letter. In fact, he even pulled a knife on me once, too - and I responded by pulling one of my own - there's no telling where it would've gone if my mom hadn't walked in on us. My brother threw things, too - I have a long scar on my upper lip from when he threw a bucket at me and it split the lip up into my face, one on the lower lip from where he threw a vacuum cleaner tube, and I almost got killed once when he threw a heavy wooden chessboard at me (it was thrown with enough force to punch clear through two doors, so I can imagine what it would've done to my head). Violence is definitely not the answer, I can tell you that much. No matter what you do, it will escalate. If you pull one punch, he'll pull two. If he pulls a knife and you pull a second one to keep him back, he could very well throw it at you. It's important, of course, not to look weak or in any way make him think he can get away with whatever he wants (don't let him think he's "top dog", basically, or you'll never hear the end of it), but I would not use any display of force if I were you.

What I would personally do if I were in your situation and he pulled a stunt like trying to annoy me: I would ignore him. It'll be hard at first, especially if you're used to responding to it. The knife thing is him simply trying not to feel defenseless. Unless he actually lunged at you, I seriously doubt it was his intention to cut you with it - rather, he was trying to keep you away. In my case, my whacking my brother was entirely due to him picking on my youngest brother, making him fetch things and clean things and being all-around lazy while he expected the youngest to basically be his slave/footrest (not literally, but it should give you an idea of how he treated him). Calling on authority wasn't an option for me, nor was getting him to an expert.

One phrase that did work really well, though, as I recall, was, "Seriously? I thought you were more mature than that." He's growing up. He wants to feel like he isn't powerless. He wants to feel in control, and he wants to feel like he's more mature than he'd been before he started all this. If he can get a reaction out of you, who he sees as the higher authority, to his subconscious mind, it means he's that much more "powerful". (I'm not going to college for this so I may be using incorrect terminology throughout, by the way.) When I insulted his maturity AS AN ASIDE, perhaps rolling my eyes and turning back to my work like what he was doing didn't really matter, he lost that sense of "power", felt a little ashamed of his actions, and felt somewhat motivated to clean up his act.

Another thing that's important is not treating him like he's "just your little brother". If you treat him like you're head and shoulders above him, and he's just an ant compared to you, he won't like it. He'll fight back. He'll try to defend his "manliness", and you've seen that manifest itself in how he pulled that knife on you to defend himself. Treat him a little closer to an equal, where you can. Don't pick on him. Seriously, my brother and I used to be mortal enemies, but now he and I are incredibly close and practically inseparable. His personality changed itself as well, and he's a much better person now, even though he's still rather cynical.

This isn't going to happen overnight. It'll be a rough road ahead, and there will be more confrontations, but if you start treating him better, things should clear up eventually. Remember, you're personally helping shape who he becomes when he's older.
(Professional help is a good thing, though. Never dis the pros. If they make a living off of it, there's generally a reason.)

edit: Tiruin had some really good points there, too.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2014, 01:09:53 pm by Talvieno »
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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2014, 04:28:19 am »

Go into his room and hug him.

Seriously, do it right now.

Apologize for whacking him and being a general dick, whacking him was stupid, you know it is, violence doesn't get anybody anywhere.

Don't attack him physically in any way, just stop when it gets to that.

Be the older brother you should be, don't be that asshole in the other room who smacks him sometimes.

Look at it from his perspective, odds are is you are at least half of the problem.
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Tiruin

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #24 on: March 26, 2014, 08:06:16 am »

Go into his room and hug him.
[...]
Apologize for whacking him and being a general dick, whacking him was stupid, you know it is, violence doesn't get anybody anywhere.
[...]
...We should've suggested this method in the first place. :x
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Talvieno

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #25 on: March 26, 2014, 08:12:25 am »

Go into his room and hug him.
[...]
Apologize for whacking him and being a general dick, whacking him was stupid, you know it is, violence doesn't get anybody anywhere.
[...]
...We should've suggested this method in the first place. :x
I'm not entirely sure the younger brother would buy it, though. I know my brother wouldn't have - it would be too abrupt to seem legitimate to him.
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Tiruin

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #26 on: March 26, 2014, 08:16:21 am »

Well, OP must be sincere in doing it, for one--he should realize the essence of what we're saying to actually mean it. :P

And by what I said, I mean by I thought it was inferred that that kind of action would generally be done (but nup! Should've suggested it in the first place).

Also, sure, he'd be doubtful given all the horrible things you (assuming you're him in the situation mentioned as far as it was stated) did, however if you really mean what you mean (judging by your action and intent), then an explanation would help.
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Talvieno

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #27 on: March 26, 2014, 08:22:56 am »

Well, OP must be sincere in doing it, for one--he should realize the essence of what we're saying to actually mean it. :P

And by what I said, I mean by I thought it was inferred that that kind of action would generally be done (but nup! Should've suggested it in the first place).

Also, sure, he'd be doubtful given all the horrible things you (assuming you're him in the situation mentioned as far as it was stated) did, however if you really mean what you mean (judging by your action and intent), then an explanation would help.
True enough. I wholeheartedly agree. The continuation of smurfingtonthethird acting better towards his brother would also help things tremendously - it could take a while, but eventually things should get better... Well, unless the brother actually enjoys causing problems just for the sake of it (which isn't too far-fetched, I've met people who did (my brother, for instance)), it would get better in general.
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Tiruin

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #28 on: March 26, 2014, 08:27:07 am »

Hey OP, be the good brother-model. :D
He'll remember you for life in all his struggles as a source of strength and perseverance, and a counter-factor to depression that the world ain't all bad!

In learning to help others, you learn to help yourself. :P
Also seriously, I'm still 100% serious on my positive reinforcement principle. ^ ^
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Steeled

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Re: Little Brother problems
« Reply #29 on: March 29, 2014, 09:01:36 pm »

Heh, data you shall receive. He's about 14, average student, massive gaming fan. Spends most of his free time either drawing or playing Terraria.

He's a hormonal teenager with bad taste. Either get him into girls or porn and he'll calm down.
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