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[BoboJack]

Last winter I began studying Mathematics at university.
I cried the first day because it felt too easy and I feared uni would be as easy as school.
Weeks later I cried because it felt too hard.
Every time I ate something, my stomach ached. Often I woke up with pain in my stomach.
Suicidal thoughts followed me to uni most days.
I stopped going there after a month.
I'm now searching for a therapist.

Only later I understood that I was doing better than most of my peers. Although we've seen our points every week.

I don't really know why I got depressed.
It got really bad though when I began to believe I would dislike mathematics. My whole picture of myself shattered.
I didn't know what to do with my life anymore.
I don't know if I really dislike mathematics or if I was just too sad to like anything at all.

Now I'm asking myself who I want to be. But thats a question way to hard I guess.
So I'm asking myself now what to study.
Since am programming for about 7 years now, I thought I should try computer science.
But every time I see the book about Game Theory on my table I've never read, I get sad about all the wonders I would possibly miss.

I'm working part time as a web developer, creating tools for participatory democracy right now, and thats kinda cool, but is the best for me?

Do you people have any tips on how to deal with my situation? I'm in great fear of messing up my life.

[ToonyMan]

What exactly is the situation here?  Are you still going to a university?  How did you find your job?

[freeformschooler]

Did you try hand stands?

[BoboJack]

What exactly is the situation here?  Are you still going to a university?  How did you find your job?

I'm not going to university anymore.
I found the job through a friend.

[ToonyMan]

If programming interests you maybe you can work on some projects.  This would be on your own for the hell of it of course, but it's something you could do to enjoy yourself for now and after a while you might have some stuff to showcase which might land you somewhere depending on your skills.  It's an alternative to school if you're not a fan of lectures and burning money.

[BoboJack]

If programming interests you maybe you can work on some projects.  This would be on your own for the hell of it of course, but it's something you could do to enjoy yourself for now and after a while you might have some stuff to showcase which might land you somewhere depending on your skills.  It's an alternative to school if you're not a fan of lectures and burning money.

I'm living in germany. Studying is cheap, money does almost not matter. I even get money(+ 0%Interest Loan).
I'm already doing my own programming projects all the time. Its fine, but I don't feel like thats enough.
Studying really seems more sensible for meeting people and having a kind of safe place to experiment.

[ToonyMan]

Oh right.  I'm pretty jealous of European education.

I will say that being on a university does give the advantage of meeting people, yeah.

[BoboJack]

Oh right.  I'm pretty jealous of European education.

I will say that being on a university does give the advantage of meeting people, yeah.

University also gives you routine, which can be very important.

[Jelle]

Hmm sounds like you've been holding a very predetermined ideal of your future in your mind. One that appears to have caused you quite a bit of stress and anxiety it would seem.

I wonder why it is you you find the need to hold such an idealized notion of who you are, or rather who you should be? Clinging to such an image makes me think it is forced on you, by you or not, or it arises from a lack of direction from yourself. Your 'identity crisis' might be a result of this image having become to disconnected from who you actually are. Do you feel the need to project an image of yourself to avoid judgement? Do you have a tendency to wear many masks in social situations?

You also appear to be afraid of failure, failing to meet the goals of your idealized image of yourself. Do you feel others hold you to a high standard? Your parents? Do you push yourself to achieve, yourself? Being afraid to fail is normal, but not to the point it cripples you. The best approach imo is simply take things as they come and try to remember to enjoy the ride. Best you can do when you fall is get back up and learn from your mistakes. Things never go perfectly for anyone, and for some things just go horribly badly, but to worry to much about it is a self fullfilling prophecy.

Concluding I'd say the question you must ask yourself is not 'how not to mess up my life' but 'how to worry less about messing up my life'.

[BoboJack]

Hmm sounds like you've been holding a very predetermined ideal of your future in your mind. One that appears to have caused you quite a bit of stress and anxiety it would seem.

I wonder why it is you you find the need to hold such an idealized notion of who you are, or rather who you should be? Clinging to such an image makes me think it is forced on you, by you or not, or it arises from a lack of direction from yourself. Your 'identity crisis' might be a result of this image having become to disconnected from who you actually are. Do you feel the need to project an image of yourself to avoid judgement? Do you have a tendency to wear many masks in social situations?

You also appear to be afraid of failure, failing to meet the goals of your idealized image of yourself. Do you feel others hold you to a high standard? Your parents? Do you push yourself to achieve, yourself? Being afraid to fail is normal, but not to the point it cripples you. The best approach imo is simply take things as they come and try to remember to enjoy the ride. Best you can do when you fall is get back up and learn from your mistakes. Things never go perfectly for anyone, and for some things just go horribly badly, but to worry to much about it is a self fullfilling prophecy.

Concluding I'd say the question you must ask yourself is not 'how not to mess up my life' but 'how to worry less about messing up my life'.

I think you're right.
I've heard that often. I've often told that myself. I forget it every time.

There's this fucked up picture of myself as the next richard feynman in my mind.
For years I repeatedly said I heard myself saying things along the lines of "and that's how I solved all problems, thats how I helped everybody".
I'm really embarrassed about that and I want it to go away, but every time I try to throw it away, I get lost in believing my life is pointless.

[Vector]

I feel you.  I studied mathematics in university and had exactly the same experience.

I stuck it out, but I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that situation and not implode from stress.  Do you think maybe you could ask your counselor about coping skills?  Spend some time away from mathematics, and then when your feelings have cleared, decide if you want to go back or not?  That's what I'm trying to do right now.

[BoboJack]

Do you think maybe you could ask your counselor about coping skills? 

I have talked to a psychological advisor at my university. I was advised to see a therapist.

Spend some time away from mathematics, and then when your feelings have cleared, decide if you want to go back or not?

Thats what I'm doing, too. But I don't feel like things are getting much clearer.
All I now know is that programming can be a fine job.
Already before going to uni I thought I'll just change to computer science if math doesn't work out.
I just didn't expect the emotional backslash I'm now experiencing.