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[tahujdt]

So, my sister got a Chinese dwarf hamster for Christmas. After observing it for close to two months, I have reached a disturbing conclusion: it is not actually a dwarf. Although it burrows, it does not go very deep. It lacks a beard, and does not drink alcohol. How it does not even know how to work metal! How can I remedy this? How can I teach it to be a proper dwarf?
Please help!

[catenate]

So, my sister got a Chinese dwarf hamster for Christmas. After observing it for close to two months, I have reached a disturbing conclusion: it is not actually a dwarf. Although it burrows, it does not go very deep. It lacks a beard, and does not drink alcohol. How it does not even know how to work metal! How can I remedy this? How can I teach it to be a proper dwarf?
Please help!

Convert it to Islam, tell it its peeps live in Xinjiang, and the fastest way there is through the Earth. Give it only grapes to eat during the trip, which should ferment from the heat of magma.  Not sure how to have it work metal, but extra points if someone weaponizes the hamster.

[Ravendarksky]

First you will need to make it an anvil.

Give it the anvil and it should become self aware and start building a civilization.

[Urist McVoyager]

So anvils are monoliths? Sweet!

Um, how does converting it to Islam help at all? Considering dwarves usually get greedy and go for as much gold as they can, I think one of the other two Abrahamic faiths would stereotypically work better.

[catenate]

So anvils are monoliths? Sweet!

Um, how does converting it to Islam help at all? Considering dwarves usually get greedy and go for as much gold as they can, I think one of the other two Abrahamic faiths would stereotypically work better.

I was thinking which Chinese would be more likely to have beards.  It does mess with the alcohol consumption, though.

[Nidilap]

Wait till next Christmas, and get it to kill some Christmas elves.

[tahujdt]

All great suggestions, thanks! I will get it an anvil first, and go from there.

[Loud Whispers]

You may have already ballsed it up. See if you have any connections with breeders, you need to regen with a new generation of hamsters and create a new hamster entity with anvils and digging tools enabled. There is also the issue of vermin civs being rather unstable, but nothing's stopping you from starting ant fortress or bee fortress.

[Grim Portent]

You may have already ballsed it up. See if you have any connections with breeders, you need to regen with a new generation of hamsters and create a new hamster entity with anvils and digging tools enabled. There is also the issue of vermin civs being rather unstable, but nothing's stopping you from starting ant fortress or bee fortress.

I had an ant fortress once. Sadly most of them died when they got stuck in some jam I gave them to eat.

[Loud Whispers]

I had an ant fortress once. Sadly most of them died when they got stuck in some jam I gave them to eat.

Should have constructed a well over the jam, that solves most ant pathing problems.

[Zan Oltaridor]

Oh Man, I love this thread already

[Mohreb el Yasim]

Wait till next Christmas, and get it to kill some Christmas elves.

it might have already killed the ones of last X-mas, have you had seen them the year when you got the hamster?
I think you should keep some metal / gems  and silk near the hamster in case it goes "crazy"

[Loud Whispers]

it might have already killed the ones of last X-mas, have you had seen them the year when you got the hamster?
I think you should keep some metal / gems  and silk near the hamster in case it goes "crazy"

They are vicious things, with a particular sense of low cunning. It was on the eve of Christmas that I actually saw the Dwarf Hamsters baiting weapon traps with milk and cookies. All the subsequent coal that Santa flooded my postbox with was used in their furnaces I found carved into my walls, and they still hang elf fingers around metal spikes in their Fortress in some bizarre triumph for some gods I dare not insult.

So yeah, that's why I don't get Christmas presents anymore.
I'm not sure if I even bought the hamsters, they just appeared there one day in a wagon.

[Di]

that's why I don't get Christmas presents anymore.

Now that would be a solid ground for contacting mr. Funs, who specializes in eradication of everything with 'dwarf' in it. I hear you can also invite him as a clown to a birthday party if he isn't preoccupied with another case of dwarf insurgency.

[Aslandus]

Don't forget to leave enough space in the cage for a wild strawberry farm, or a plump helmet one if you decide you never want to turn the light on.... Just be careful about turning on the light after cave adaptation has set in!