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[bsnott]

Suddenly, there was a great crash from the right. Louis looked to his right, hearing gasps and screams from the soldiers. Fire was blazing out of a great opening in a tower, and the stones were falling from the bottom. Men at the top of the tower were frantically pulling back their friends and allies just to escape alive. Maybe, if they'd been calm, some would have made it out. Their cries became louder as fewer stones formed the foundation of the tower, and the whole structure came loose. The whole tower came loose. Then, it fell from it's high perch. The men inside screamed louder and louder, until they could not be heard. A loud crash far below indicated where it landed.

Louis started to peer over the wall to look at the rubble, but then he saw something out of the corner of his eye. "Get down!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. All of the soldiers ducked down to the ground, and with a whistle, a huge stone flew over their heads and into the keep behind them. A large hole was put into the front of it, but there was no men inside. For that, they were lucky. When he was certain that it was safe, he stood back up. What he saw next filled his heart with both fear and courage.

While the goblin's siege weapons were still loading and firing at the walls, four battering rams were being run up to the gate. "Men, ready your bows!" Louis yelled around to his men. The sounds of hundreds of soldiers pulling out and stringing bows filled Louis's ears as the goblins ran the siege equipment forward at full speed. "Wait until you've actually got a shot before you waste our arrows!" he yelled.

Soon enough, arrows started flying. The goblins weren't too far from the gate anymore, and they were being peppered. While the rams did have an overhang to protect from arrows, they weren't very large. Arrows went straight under, piercing the stomachs of many blood goblins. Goblins fell while the rams moved forward, leaving a trail of corpses in their wake. No matter how many arrows sang, nor how many found their mark, the goblins kept moving.

Finally, there was the noise of the rams clashing on wood. "Men, with me!" Louis yelled to his men, drawing his sword and shield. "We will repel them!" As he ran to the stairs, he looked over his left shoulder. The rest of the goblin army, the full twenty thousand of them, moved like an ocean over the grass to the entrance. There was nothing that could be done about it, they would take the castle. Yet, Louis moved forward to the stairs, and trudged down them, ready to face his death gloriously.

When he was there, the melee had already started. "Charge into it men, fight for the King!" Louis yelled, jumping down the last few steps. A battle cry rang, and he ran to the front. Pushing past men, he found his way to the frontlines. Searching not only for a fight, but to help in the fighting, he looked over the heads of his countrymen. He saw that they were being destroyed on all flanks, so he ran forward, into the combat.

Seeing a hammer in front of his eyes, he ducked and whipped around. A large goblin had swung it while he was running. Bringing his shield arm around, he bashed him in the face with it. With a quick stab, the goblin was slain. Arrows fell at random, so Louis had to be careful while he ran through. Slashing left and right, tearing through goblins, he became lost in the enemy lines. Looking back, he saw his mistake. Out of seemingly nowhere, a gigantic stone crashed into the ground at Louis's feet, and he was sent back a ways.

He opened his eyes, and saw a goblin standing over him, sword raised. Louis quickly slashed into his knee, and sent him low. When the goblin dropped his sword to grab the wound, Louis took the opportunity. He slashed as hard as he could at the goblin's arm, and the slice hit just a greatly as expected. The blade went straight through, and the severed limb sailed off. He pushed himself up with one arm, his shield missing, and tried to stand up. He couldn't even move his legs. Looking down, he saw that they were missing.

Taken back, he tried to crawl away backwards with his arms. He pulled himself backwards, up against a wall. Surrounded by goblins too bloodthirsty to even see him at their feet, he held onto his legs. The pain was now reaching him, and he understood that it wouldn't be long before he was dead. He decided to take out as many of these goblins with him that he could. He couldn't get to them, so he'd have to get them to him. He yelled out.

All goblins around him turned to him. The nearest came at him with a knife, hoping to score an easy hit. He didn't get it. A slice from Louis's sword caught him in the neck, giving him a second smile and sending him to the dirt. The next two came in harder, one going low and one going high. Louis slashed hard at the one going low, and threw himself into the dirt. Looking up, he send a stab into the goblin's back, and the other slashed backwards hoping to hit him. Hitting his friend on accident, he let go of the sword and backed up. Louis looked back up. He saw a stone hurling through the sky, falling to the battle. Louis counted down the time until it fell, taking out him and his adversaries.

[bsnott]

I'm surprised at the lack of people on this part of the forum...

[Loam]

I'm surprised at the lack of people on this part of the forum...

It's probably more because people on the internet don't have the time to read and evaluate a short story. It's a rather large investment of time.

One thing that jumps out at me is that your style is too telling. If you're asked to describe a crime you witnessed, you'd want to be as exact as possible: that's telling. In literature you want to show, to make the reader see the falling tower rather than just saying "the tower fell."
A particularly egregious example would be where you explain that, "while the rams did have an overhang to protect from arrows, they weren't very large." This is an entirely unnecessary detail that only clutters the story and drags down the pace. I understand your reason for including it: you trying to cover a potential plot hole. Don't do that - especially not in a battle scene, where fast pacing and high-action language are critical. If your audience isn't willing to suspend their disbelief (up to a point, of course) then don't bother trying to please them.

Spoiler: Specific Critique (click to show/hide)

These are just suggestions, and rough ones at that: don't take this as a complete edit.

Suddenly, there was a great crash from the right. Louis looked to his right turned, hearing gasps and screams from the soldiers. Fire was blazing out of a great opening hole in a the tower, and the stones were falling from the bottom. Men at the top of the tower were frantically pulling back their friends and allies just to escape alive. Maybe, if they'd been calm, some would have made it out. Their cries became louder as fewer stones formed the foundation of the tower, and the whole structure came loose the structure loosened beneath them, then broke away entirely. The whole tower came loose. Then, it fell from it's high perch. As the tower fell the screams grew fainter The men inside screamed louder and louder, until they could not be heard. A loud crash far below indicated where it landed There was a crash as the ruin struck the earth, far below.

Louis started to peered over the wall to look at the rubble, but thenwhen he saw something out of the corner of his eye. "Get down!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. All of the soldiers ducked down to the ground, and with a whistle, a huge stone flew over their heads and into the keep behind them - which was fortunately empty. A large hole was put into the front of it, but there was no men inside. For that, they were lucky. When he was certain that it was safe, he Louis stood back up and looked over the wall. What he saw next filled his heart with both fear and courage.

While the goblin's siege weapons were still loading and firing at the walls, four battering rams were being run up to the gate. "Men, ready your bows!" Louis yelled around to his men. The sounds of hundreds of soldiers pulling out and stringing bows filled Louis's ears as the goblins ran the siege equipment forward at full speed. "Wait until you've actually got a shot before you waste our arrows!" he yelled.

Soon enough, arrows started flying The goblins weren't too far from the gate anymore, and they were being peppered. While the rams did have an overhang to protect from arrows, they weren't very large. Arrows went straight under, piercing the stomachs of many blood goblins, Goblins who fell while the rams moved forward, leaving a trail of corpses in their wake. No matter how many arrows sang, nor how many found their mark, the goblins kept moving.

Finally, there was the noise of the rams clashing crashing on wood. "Men, with me!" Louis yelled to rallied his men, drawing his sword and shield. "We will repel them!" As he ran to the stairs, he looked over his left shoulder. The rest of the goblin army, the full twenty thousand of them, moved poured like an ocean over the grass to the entrance. There was nothing that could be done about it; they would take the castle. Yet Louis moved forward to the stairs, and trudged down them, led on, ready to face his death gloriously.

When he was there, the melee had already started when he arrived. "Charge into it men, fight for the King!" Louis yelled, jumping leaping down the last few steps. A battle cry rang, and he ran to the front. Pushing past men, he found his way to the frontlines. Searching not only for a fight, but to help in the fighting, he looked over the heads of his countrymen. He saw that they were his countrymen being destroyed on all flanks, so he ran forward, into the combat.

Seeing a hammer in front of his eyes, he ducked and whipped around. A large goblin had swung it while he was running stood before him. Bringing his shield arm around, he bashed him the goblin in the face with it. With a quick stab, the goblin was slain. Arrows fell at random; so Louis had to be careful while he ran through. slashing left and right, tearing through goblins, he Louis became lost in the enemy lines Looking back, he saw his mistake. - when, seemingly out of nowhere, a gigantic stone crashed into the ground at Louis's feet, and he was sent back a ways flying backwards.

He opened his eyes, and When the dust cleared he saw a goblin standing over him, sword raised. Louis quickly slashed into his knee, and sent him low. When the goblin dropped his sword to grab the wound, Louis took the opportunity. He and slashed as hard as he could at the goblin's arm, and the slice hit just a greatly as expected. The blade went straight through, and the severed limb sailed off in an arc. He pushed himself up with one arm, his shield missing, and tried to stand up. He couldn't even move his legs. Looking down, he saw that they were missing.

Taken back, he tried to crawl away backwards with on his arms. He pulled himself backwards, up against a wall. Surrounded by goblins too bloodthirsty lost in blood-lust to even see him at their feet, he held onto his legs. The pain was now reaching him, and he understood that it wouldn't be long before he was dead. He decided to take out as many of these goblins with him that he could. He couldn't get to them, so he'd have to get them to him. He yelled out.

All the goblins around him turned to him to the crouching figure beneath them. The nearest came at him with a knife, hoping to score an easy hit kill. He didn't get it: a slice from Louis's sword caught him in the neck, giving him a second smile and sending him to the dirt. The next two came in harder, one going low and one going high. Louis slashed hard at the one going low, and threw himself into the dirt. Looking up, he send a stab into the goblin's back, and the other slashed backwards hoping to hit him. Hitting his friend on accident, he let go of the sword and backed up.Cut the detailed battle scenes and focus on generalized fighting: "Striking in every direction, Louis made his final stand," etc. Louis looked back up. He saw another stone hurling through the sky, falling to the battle heading directly towards him. Louis counted down the time until it fell, taking out him and his adversaries.

Feel free to inquire if any of these edits aren't clear.

[bsnott]

I'm surprised at the lack of people on this part of the forum...

It's probably more because people on the internet don't have the time to read and evaluate a short story. It's a rather large investment of time.

One thing that jumps out at me is that your style is too telling. If you're asked to describe a crime you witnessed, you'd want to be as exact as possible: that's telling. In literature you want to show, to make the reader see the falling tower rather than just saying "the tower fell."
A particularly egregious example would be where you explain that, "while the rams did have an overhang to protect from arrows, they weren't very large." This is an entirely unnecessary detail that only clutters the story and drags down the pace. I understand your reason for including it: you trying to cover a potential plot hole. Don't do that - especially not in a battle scene, where fast pacing and high-action language are critical. If your audience isn't willing to suspend their disbelief (up to a point, of course) then don't bother trying to please them.

Spoiler: Specific Critique (click to show/hide)

These are just suggestions, and rough ones at that: don't take this as a complete edit.

Suddenly, there was a great crash from the right. Louis looked to his right turned, hearing gasps and screams from the soldiers. Fire was blazing out of a great opening hole in a the tower, and the stones were falling from the bottom. Men at the top of the tower were frantically pulling back their friends and allies just to escape alive. Maybe, if they'd been calm, some would have made it out. Their cries became louder as fewer stones formed the foundation of the tower, and the whole structure came loose the structure loosened beneath them, then broke away entirely. The whole tower came loose. Then, it fell from it's high perch. As the tower fell the screams grew fainter The men inside screamed louder and louder, until they could not be heard. A loud crash far below indicated where it landed There was a crash as the ruin struck the earth, far below.

Louis started to peered over the wall to look at the rubble, but thenwhen he saw something out of the corner of his eye. "Get down!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. All of the soldiers ducked down to the ground, and with a whistle, a huge stone flew over their heads and into the keep behind them - which was fortunately empty. A large hole was put into the front of it, but there was no men inside. For that, they were lucky. When he was certain that it was safe, he Louis stood back up and looked over the wall. What he saw next filled his heart with both fear and courage.

While the goblin's siege weapons were still loading and firing at the walls, four battering rams were being run up to the gate. "Men, ready your bows!" Louis yelled around to his men. The sounds of hundreds of soldiers pulling out and stringing bows filled Louis's ears as the goblins ran the siege equipment forward at full speed. "Wait until you've actually got a shot before you waste our arrows!" he yelled.

Soon enough, arrows started flying The goblins weren't too far from the gate anymore, and they were being peppered. While the rams did have an overhang to protect from arrows, they weren't very large. Arrows went straight under, piercing the stomachs of many blood goblins, Goblins who fell while the rams moved forward, leaving a trail of corpses in their wake. No matter how many arrows sang, nor how many found their mark, the goblins kept moving.

Finally, there was the noise of the rams clashing crashing on wood. "Men, with me!" Louis yelled to rallied his men, drawing his sword and shield. "We will repel them!" As he ran to the stairs, he looked over his left shoulder. The rest of the goblin army, the full twenty thousand of them, moved poured like an ocean over the grass to the entrance. There was nothing that could be done about it; they would take the castle. Yet Louis moved forward to the stairs, and trudged down them, led on, ready to face his death gloriously.

When he was there, the melee had already started when he arrived. "Charge into it men, fight for the King!" Louis yelled, jumping leaping down the last few steps. A battle cry rang, and he ran to the front. Pushing past men, he found his way to the frontlines. Searching not only for a fight, but to help in the fighting, he looked over the heads of his countrymen. He saw that they were his countrymen being destroyed on all flanks, so he ran forward, into the combat.

Seeing a hammer in front of his eyes, he ducked and whipped around. A large goblin had swung it while he was running stood before him. Bringing his shield arm around, he bashed him the goblin in the face with it. With a quick stab, the goblin was slain. Arrows fell at random; so Louis had to be careful while he ran through. slashing left and right, tearing through goblins, he Louis became lost in the enemy lines Looking back, he saw his mistake. - when, seemingly out of nowhere, a gigantic stone crashed into the ground at Louis's feet, and he was sent back a ways flying backwards.

He opened his eyes, and When the dust cleared he saw a goblin standing over him, sword raised. Louis quickly slashed into his knee, and sent him low. When the goblin dropped his sword to grab the wound, Louis took the opportunity. He and slashed as hard as he could at the goblin's arm, and the slice hit just a greatly as expected. The blade went straight through, and the severed limb sailed off in an arc. He pushed himself up with one arm, his shield missing, and tried to stand up. He couldn't even move his legs. Looking down, he saw that they were missing.

Taken back, he tried to crawl away backwards with on his arms. He pulled himself backwards, up against a wall. Surrounded by goblins too bloodthirsty lost in blood-lust to even see him at their feet, he held onto his legs. The pain was now reaching him, and he understood that it wouldn't be long before he was dead. He decided to take out as many of these goblins with him that he could. He couldn't get to them, so he'd have to get them to him. He yelled out.

All the goblins around him turned to him to the crouching figure beneath them. The nearest came at him with a knife, hoping to score an easy hit kill. He didn't get it: a slice from Louis's sword caught him in the neck, giving him a second smile and sending him to the dirt. The next two came in harder, one going low and one going high. Louis slashed hard at the one going low, and threw himself into the dirt. Looking up, he send a stab into the goblin's back, and the other slashed backwards hoping to hit him. Hitting his friend on accident, he let go of the sword and backed up.Cut the detailed battle scenes and focus on generalized fighting: "Striking in every direction, Louis made his final stand," etc. Louis looked back up. He saw another stone hurling through the sky, falling to the battle heading directly towards him. Louis counted down the time until it fell, taking out him and his adversaries.

Feel free to inquire if any of these edits aren't clear.

Thanks! That actually helps a lot.

[ShadowHammer]

I'm surprised at the lack of people on this part of the forum...

It's probably more because people on the internet don't have the time to read and evaluate a short story. It's a rather large investment of time.

One thing that jumps out at me is that your style is too telling. If you're asked to describe a crime you witnessed, you'd want to be as exact as possible: that's telling. In literature you want to show, to make the reader see the falling tower rather than just saying "the tower fell."
A particularly egregious example would be where you explain that, "while the rams did have an overhang to protect from arrows, they weren't very large." This is an entirely unnecessary detail that only clutters the story and drags down the pace. I understand your reason for including it: you trying to cover a potential plot hole. Don't do that - especially not in a battle scene, where fast pacing and high-action language are critical. If your audience isn't willing to suspend their disbelief (up to a point, of course) then don't bother trying to please them.

Spoiler: Specific Critique (click to show/hide)

These are just suggestions, and rough ones at that: don't take this as a complete edit.

Suddenly, there was a great crash from the right. Louis looked to his right turned, hearing gasps and screams from the soldiers. Fire was blazing out of a great opening hole in a the tower, and the stones were falling from the bottom. Men at the top of the tower were frantically pulling back their friends and allies just to escape alive. Maybe, if they'd been calm, some would have made it out. Their cries became louder as fewer stones formed the foundation of the tower, and the whole structure came loose the structure loosened beneath them, then broke away entirely. The whole tower came loose. Then, it fell from it's high perch. As the tower fell the screams grew fainter The men inside screamed louder and louder, until they could not be heard. A loud crash far below indicated where it landed There was a crash as the ruin struck the earth, far below.

Louis started to peered over the wall to look at the rubble, but thenwhen he saw something out of the corner of his eye. "Get down!" he yelled at the top of his lungs. All of the soldiers ducked down to the ground, and with a whistle, a huge stone flew over their heads and into the keep behind them - which was fortunately empty. A large hole was put into the front of it, but there was no men inside. For that, they were lucky. When he was certain that it was safe, he Louis stood back up and looked over the wall. What he saw next filled his heart with both fear and courage.

While the goblin's siege weapons were still loading and firing at the walls, four battering rams were being run up to the gate. "Men, ready your bows!" Louis yelled around to his men. The sounds of hundreds of soldiers pulling out and stringing bows filled Louis's ears as the goblins ran the siege equipment forward at full speed. "Wait until you've actually got a shot before you waste our arrows!" he yelled.

Soon enough, arrows started flying The goblins weren't too far from the gate anymore, and they were being peppered. While the rams did have an overhang to protect from arrows, they weren't very large. Arrows went straight under, piercing the stomachs of many blood goblins, Goblins who fell while the rams moved forward, leaving a trail of corpses in their wake. No matter how many arrows sang, nor how many found their mark, the goblins kept moving.

Finally, there was the noise of the rams clashing crashing on wood. "Men, with me!" Louis yelled to rallied his men, drawing his sword and shield. "We will repel them!" As he ran to the stairs, he looked over his left shoulder. The rest of the goblin army, the full twenty thousand of them, moved poured like an ocean over the grass to the entrance. There was nothing that could be done about it; they would take the castle. Yet Louis moved forward to the stairs, and trudged down them, led on, ready to face his death gloriously.

When he was there, the melee had already started when he arrived. "Charge into it men, fight for the King!" Louis yelled, jumping leaping down the last few steps. A battle cry rang, and he ran to the front. Pushing past men, he found his way to the frontlines. Searching not only for a fight, but to help in the fighting, he looked over the heads of his countrymen. He saw that they were his countrymen being destroyed on all flanks, so he ran forward, into the combat.

Seeing a hammer in front of his eyes, he ducked and whipped around. A large goblin had swung it while he was running stood before him. Bringing his shield arm around, he bashed him the goblin in the face with it. With a quick stab, the goblin was slain. Arrows fell at random; so Louis had to be careful while he ran through. slashing left and right, tearing through goblins, he Louis became lost in the enemy lines Looking back, he saw his mistake. - when, seemingly out of nowhere, a gigantic stone crashed into the ground at Louis's feet, and he was sent back a ways flying backwards.

He opened his eyes, and When the dust cleared he saw a goblin standing over him, sword raised. Louis quickly slashed into his knee, and sent him low. When the goblin dropped his sword to grab the wound, Louis took the opportunity. He and slashed as hard as he could at the goblin's arm, and the slice hit just a greatly as expected. The blade went straight through, and the severed limb sailed off in an arc. He pushed himself up with one arm, his shield missing, and tried to stand up. He couldn't even move his legs. Looking down, he saw that they were missing.

Taken back, he tried to crawl away backwards with on his arms. He pulled himself backwards, up against a wall. Surrounded by goblins too bloodthirsty lost in blood-lust to even see him at their feet, he held onto his legs. The pain was now reaching him, and he understood that it wouldn't be long before he was dead. He decided to take out as many of these goblins with him that he could. He couldn't get to them, so he'd have to get them to him. He yelled out.

All the goblins around him turned to him to the crouching figure beneath them. The nearest came at him with a knife, hoping to score an easy hit kill. He didn't get it: a slice from Louis's sword caught him in the neck, giving him a second smile and sending him to the dirt. The next two came in harder, one going low and one going high. Louis slashed hard at the one going low, and threw himself into the dirt. Looking up, he send a stab into the goblin's back, and the other slashed backwards hoping to hit him. Hitting his friend on accident, he let go of the sword and backed up.Cut the detailed battle scenes and focus on generalized fighting: "Striking in every direction, Louis made his final stand," etc. Louis looked back up. He saw another stone hurling through the sky, falling to the battle heading directly towards him. Louis counted down the time until it fell, taking out him and his adversaries.

Feel free to inquire if any of these edits aren't clear.

Thanks! That actually helps a lot.

Very good story, and the criticism was very constructive. I wish my LA teachers would do as good a job of that for me.