((I am not really sure if I'm doing any of this correctly. Whatever. Time warp, alternate reality where I, Zero The Paranoid Pariah were to become leader of Authoredmountains! ))
Obsidian 28th, 13Ø
I have been sent out of the Mountain Homes, to lead some middle-of-nowhere shithole. No doubt a plot to get me killed. I know that they are all out to get me! They are all always all out to get me! No matter, I will survive, and this fortress of death will become my fortress of... fortitude. Yeah. The place is called "Authoredmountains". I don't like that name. I mean, most forts are called something like "Rockmurder" or "Knifethroat", but this one isn't dangerous sounding at all. It's got something to hide. I know it does.
- Ø
Granite, 1st, 131
IT WAS A FUCKING TRAP! I FUCKING KNEW IT! THE ENTIRE PLACE IS UNDER SIEGE BY FUCKING GOBLINS, ARMOK FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK! They are all out to get ME! ME I SAY! Me, and my essence. They can't have my bodily fluids. The enemy shall be destroyed, but first, oh Armok, this stench!
We have rotting food in these halls! We can't wait through a siege like this!
I suppose we shall have to kill these disgusting creatures quickly. For now I shall sleep, and I will plan on it in the morning. That is, if I am not murdered in my sleep by one of these likely traitorous dwarves. If they even really are dwarves.
- Ø
Granite, 2nd, 131
I was told that we had 6 squads of soldiers. Then I found out that only three of them had any members, and that we actually only had 6 soldiers in total. These are the only dwarves that will be tasked with gaurding me, my life essense, and my new home?!? I must increase the size of our squads soon, but for now I must deal with the gobli-
Hold on, someone has interrupted my journal writing to tell me something.
WHAT KIND OF ARMOK DAMNED HERESY IS THIS!?
ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
AS SOON AS I OPEN THE FUCKING GATES, SHITLARKING, JIMMY RIDDLING, GANONDWARF SHOWS UP?
No matter, the thing was quickly pulverized by the good Shadowhammer.
Grand.
Now for these fucking goblins. I have concocted a plan to kill these things, despite our general military drought. It should be ready soon enough.
- Ø
Granite, 22nd, 131
After a few weeks of work, we have almost finished the device capable of killing these creatures. Curiously, they have simply stood and gawked out by the Archer's tower. They are planning something. and I don't like it. While waiting for the device to be finished, I have taken the liberty of having somewhere for all these rotting carcasses to rot at be carved out.
It smells much, much better.
- Ø
Slate, 2nd, 131
My lazy, good for nothing engineers refuse to actually do any work! I am prepared to give up the Ballista project, and I am considering just sending in the archers.
EDIT: It seems as though our siege mechanic, Urvad, has simply disappeared.
It was probably the work of the cave spiders, collaborating with their larger kin. Damn things want to weaken us, and steal my essence!
- Ø
Slate, 14th, 131
The new mechanic seems just as hesitant to go out into the battle and make the damn ballista as the first one is dead. I know that they are plotting against me. All of them.
I need these goblins killed, and the only way to do that is with a ballista. There are 15 of them, and we only have 6 soldiers, three archers, two armed weapon users, and a fucking wrestler. I will give it until the 2Ø of Slate before I give a charge order.
- Ø
Slate, 2Ø, 131
I have given the order.
It worked pretty damn well, but some hippy woodworker got in the crossfire and was killed. He's probably some kind of undercover elf, infiltrating us and bringing us down from the inside. I mean, he does work WITH THE WOODS! COOPERATION WITH TREES IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS
CHAOS ELFY-NESS! The damn elves are working with the cave spiders, and the goblins, and the mechanics! Speaking of mechanics, I am going to have more traps built. This place will be boobytrapped like nothing ever seen!
- Ø
Felsite, 1st, 131
I've been thinking, because so many things want to kill me, I am probably going to die. If I die, they may be able to get to my sacred life essence. That cannot happen, which is why I have started construction on my secure, trap-lined tomb. They will never get their hands on my fluids...
- Ø
Felsite, 16th, 131
The elves are here, here to spy on us. We shall trade with them, but only so that we may watch THEM as well. It's the perfect plan. As long as they can see us, we can see them, no? That's why I plan on buying as many of their war animals as possible. Work on the tomb is coming along, albeit slow. It may not be finished by the time my rule is over, which really would be a shame. I trust future rulers will see my wisdom, and not only allow my tomb be finished, but have their own created as well, to protect their own valuable fluids of course.
- Ø
Felsite, 22nd, 131
He's up to something...
- Ø
Felsite, 23rd, 131
AN AMBUSH!
I KNEW THAT FUCKER WAS UP TO SOMETHING!
Two groups of Goblins emerged from the shadows, without warning. I sent in all soldiers, and we successfully repelled the ambushes. Sadly, there was a casualty.
A speardwarf, named Muthkat. He was a good dwarf.
Shadowhammer dodged arrows like it was no tomorrow, and without him the ambushes would have succeeded. I am giving him the war tiger we bought from the elves as a show of gratitude.
- Ø
Felsite, 28th, 131
A goblin has made off with a baby today.
Only a matter of time before they try to take me, and force me to suck upon a goblin broodmother's teat!
Damn goblins.
- Ø
[End of Spring, I'll do some more tomorrow. Basically, what happened is I started work on a large project, and got through a siege and two ambushes whilst not getting Shadowhammer killed.]
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