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[Toaster]

>At least get the poor kid a teddy bear. A mechanized one, programmed to spout the occasional motivational phrase and slap him around when he's feeling sorry for himself.

This one right here.

[flame99]

Sacrifice a goat to Hecate now!

Alright, +1

[The Froggy Ninja]

>Sacrifice a dear to Hecate Goddess of Witchcraft to bless your son with "The Gift".

+1. Got to remember to honor the dark gods.

+1.  Considering Bay12, this is probably one of the least detrimental actions that can be performed in a turn...

Of course, I don't know what this 'gift' is...but whatever it is, it is probably better than baptizing the child into the faith of Armok.

I'll give you a hint it's bestowed by the Goddess of Magic.

And the underworld. And ghosts. So there's at least a decent chance of our child acquiring psychic mind powers. Would be a shame if he didn't have access to mind bullets, after all.

The underworld is Hades' domain.

Sacrifice a goat to Hecate now!

Alright, +1

Nah a goat would cost too much. How about our neighbor's dog?

[WhitiusOpus]

force the child to sacrifice a goat to Hecate!

[Doomblade187]

force the child to sacrifice a goat to Hecate!

+1

Now you`re thinking with trauma!

[Parsely]

^^ +1

[BFEL]

>At least get the poor kid a teddy bear. A mechanized one, programmed to spout the occasional motivational phrase and slap him around when he's feeling sorry for himself.

This one right here.

[The Froggy Ninja]

force the child to sacrifice a goat to Hecate!

+1

Now you`re thinking with trauma!

+1
But we should use the neighbor's dog if we don't want to go broke.

[Spinal_Taper]

Create a blog with the child as the centerpiece. Take pictures. Make sure he's always looking adorable. Then, put ads on it, charge money.

Also, what is the spouse doing during all this purposeful abuse?

[Toaster]

Obviously we are both parents.

[NAV]

Make the kid get a job. About time he starts contributing around here.

[Spinal_Taper]

Obviously we are both parents.

Oh, duh. That's actually really obvious. Sociopaths and sociopaths make another sociopath. Make sure to tell stories to the kid about how much harsher our parents were.

[Nirur Torir]

What ... what ... wh-

Force the newborn to sacrifice the neighbor's dog or a goat.

That teaches nothing, and he's not even strong enough to use a knife to cut flesh.
Buy him a puppy instead. It will teach him to be responsible (and meaningful sacrifices (when he disappoints us) are so much more effective than the neighbor's dog.)

_{Be back later; converting to Catholicism. I feel a strange yet overpowering need to repent of my sins .. Perhaps even spend a few dozen years locked in a monastery.}

Edit: I remembered bold.

[GreatWyrmGold]

piecewise mentioning the kid was named for me drove me back here. Let's see what madness and horror you have inflicted on him. I mean, aside from a name suited more for a forum than real life.

Okay. Bye.

NAME THE CHILD GWG IN POST-MORTUM HONOR.
R.I.P. GREATWYRMGOLD
2006-2014

2006? Also, RIP?

You hold the baby over your head like a baboon with a baby lion...

Don't try this at home with your newborn. They can't support their heads yet.

Unusually horrible (and usually stupid) suggestions

You'll raise a fantastic corpse at this rate. And not even a very big one.

_{We are terrible, terrible people, aren't we?}

Yes. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

We're trying to unlock his potential not kill him!

Such can be said for most of your ideas.

Bathe him in classic rock music to prevent possible stupid tastes.

Finally, a reasonable suggestion!
Well, almost, but I'll take what I can get. It's not like someone's going to suggest anything that would make us a decent parent, eh?

>Buy him some nice toys, including a little blue teddy bear and a xylophone, and a fun assortment of board-books.

>Take him to the museum to look at DINOSAURS RAAAWR.

...
+1

I'd rather that than have him be the 70,000th person I've met trying to convince me that Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd are messiahs of music, and that I'm stupid because I listen to Rap.

Now, now, you're not stupid because you listen to rap.
It's just that rap is terrible and barely qualifies as music.
((And I'm not going to claim that anyone is a messiah of music. Unless maybe it's one of the great classical composers, or someone who made a genre of music.))

Btw, is it possible we could accidently kill our kid before he even reaches 16? Or is it that no matter what hell we put him through he'll still be alive. Crippled or maimed, but alive.

At this rate, crippled and maimed is about the best possible outcome.

Exactly what stat is this raising though?

Deadness?

>At least get the poor kid a teddy bear.

+1

A mechanized one, programmed to spout the occasional motivational phrase and slap him around when he's feeling sorry for himself.

...
-1

"Poketwo, how dare you bring logic int this place!"

Wait, that counted as logic?

>Sacrifice a dear to Hecate Goddess of Witchcraft to bless your son with "The Gift".

+1. Got to remember to honor the dark gods.

+1.  Considering Bay12, this is probably one of the least detrimental actions that can be performed in a turn...

Of course, I don't know what this 'gift' is...but whatever it is, it is probably better than baptizing the child into the faith of Armok.

Point.
Also, this is the only non-abusive action with any chance of success.
+1

-1 to any actions I did not specifically +1, God you guys are horrible.

[Parsely]

Good to know you're reading all the posts GWG.