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[Kadzar]

Okay, I guess I'll concede that the kid might be too young to be embarrassed by anything we make them do at this point. But we still need some money, so let's sign the kid up for some experimental drug and/or behavioral studies. The more untested the better.

Dear god that awesome.
set him up with stocks in some relatively low risk areas and give him 'babies first stock market' so he can learn, then also give him a tie and a suit, suits for the business god and  all that.

We are trying to make a maladjusted violent sociopath here, not a monster.

[Execute/Dumbo.exe]

I can already see the news articles about this. "Bay12 Forums raises a baby!"

Followed by the subtitle "oh god no, shut this place down and leave, just go before your soul is tainted also, this place is not for the human mind."
Also, if we give him some stocks, then we could have a fresh source of income, he is the puppet of the business god anyway.

[WhitiusOpus]

Negotiate with Satan and sell the child's soul for more money. IT MUST BE DONE.

[mastahcheese]

Negotiate with Satan and sell the child's soul for more money. IT MUST BE DONE.

-1 We may need that for something later!

[Slayerhero90]

Why is everyone using the big text.

[flame99]

Negotiate with Satan and sell the child's soul for more money. IT MUST BE DONE.

-1

[Parsely]

Okay, I guess I'll concede that the kid might be too young to be embarrassed by anything we make them do at this point. But we still need some money, so let's sign the kid up for some experimental drugs!! and/or behavioral studies. The more untested the better.

+1!!

[Zanzetkuken The Great]

Negotiate with Satan and sell the child's soul for more money. IT MUST BE DONE.

-1

Okay, I guess I'll concede that the kid might be too young to be embarrassed by anything we make them do at this point. But we still need some money, so let's sign the kid up for some experimental drugs!! and/or behavioral studies. The more untested the better.

+1!!

-1

[GreatWyrmGold]

YOU SACRIFICE THE DOG TO THE GODS OF BUSINESS!

What? We were supposed to sacrifice the dog to Hecate, give our kid magic!

-1 to basically everything suggested.

Sacrifice some kind of animal to Hecate in hopes of getting some kind of neat magical boon.

[Empiricist]

Sacrifice the child to Zentol too get a better child!

[superBlast]

Right business he got good in business... now give him some street smarts, violent tendacies, and... try again with kung fu and some guns, and we can make him into a fully fledged Emperor of a Drug empire! The we can leech off of him if he doesn't kill us!

And since he can now talk and put on imaginary ties, I say

Let's teach how to mug people! Then we can get money from the people he mugged!

Also why can't I stop laughing at GWG's post telling us we can't raise a kid? Well... correctly?

[GreatWyrmGold]

Also why can't I stop laughing at GWG's post telling us we can't raise a kid? Well... correctly?

I think I've given up on making the kid un-traumatized and am now focused on minmizing the trauma:awesome ratio.

[Corsair]

+1 to beginner stocks and suits/ties

[Zanzetkuken The Great]

-1 to basically everything suggested.

You don't like this:

set him up with stocks in some relatively low risk areas and give him 'babies first stock market' so he can learn, then give them a closet full of sets of clothing. Half normal, the other half Homestuck, Doctor Who, and Sherlock cosplay.  Act normally towards the child when they wear the normal ones. Act incredibly kind and compassionate when they were the cosplay. Continue until conditioning is successful.

[Slayerhero90]

Fuck it, here's a command.
Sacrifice Hecate to Grate.