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[Humdilla]

Hey guys. I just wanted to see if anyone else has feelings similar to my own. It would make me feel better if there was. 

I dated a friend a few months back. After a short while we realized we didn't have much in common besides morals and taste in music, so we stopped. After we stopped dating, I thought a lot about how a relationship would work out in my future. I came upon the realization that I couldn't see myself in a relationship. I just can't imagine any way that I could maintain one. That short time I spent dating that girl seems almost surreal now. I sometimes forget that it actually happened. It doesn't seem like me to ask someone out.

So I think about this on occasion and it kinda makes me sad thinking that I might not find a relationship. But I get over it. There is so much to do in life, and a relationship isn't that important.

Do any of you feel this way? Do you guys feel as though maintaining a relationship just isn't in you?

[Catsup]

yes its pretty normal, if you are content spending your time with just yourself or regular friends then you dont need any dating relationship in life. Dont think too much about it if it makes you feel down, its not the fact that you arent in a relationship, as what you think about it that matters. Theres both advantages and disadvantages to being in or not being in that kind of relationship, you might be taking your current circumstances for granted since its what you have, and the other is what you have not.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

yes its pretty normal, if you are content spending your time with just yourself or regular friends then you dont need any dating relationship in life. Dont think too much about it if it makes you feel down, its not the fact that you arent in a relationship, as what you think about it that matters. Theres both advantages and disadvantages to being in or not being in that kind of relationship, you might be taking your current circumstances for granted since its what you have, and the other is what you have not.

Catsup's advice is cogent. I would add that maintaining a relationship may feel strange because you have little experience with it. Your view of yourself will change as you experience more and discover more about yourself.

That said, I have days where I just have no fucks to give, but I look at it as something to get past to get to the good stuff again. We all have good days and bad days, and it helps when you're with someone who knows you well enough to raise your spirits when you're down or drifting. And you can do the same. As a bundle of sticks remain unbroken when any alone would snap, so we strengthen and grow strong with others.

[nenjin]

Kinda depends I guess. I haven't ever really met someone I truly clicked with. Last girlfriend was close but the relationship was kinda doomed to failure.

So I take the stance that I don't really want to compromise. If my standards remain unrealistic throughout life, I'll be alone and that's something I've learned to be ok with. Because at the very least I can stand myself and have plenty I want to do. I do want to be in a relationship, but I don't want to settle simply because I want to be in a relationship. It's gotta be real. No drunken hookups at bars, no flirting with anyone that will smile just to see what sticks. As I look back over the last few years, I think I've unwittingly turned down a couple people because I gave off the vibe that I wasn't interested in them.

I find the wait and solitude vastly preferable to all the chaos and confusion of a relationship. No relationship is ever going to be easy, but man, it's not something where I want to have to learn to appreciate someone I've already started dating. It should be the other way around.

[Matheld]

I absolutely can`t stand serious relationships. The jealousy, suffocation, and compromise are insufferable.

[LeoLeonardoIII]

I absolutely can`t stand serious relationships. The jealousy, suffocation, and compromise are insufferable.

Everyone's different, Matheld. There are people out there who aren't jealous or suffocating - although, to some extent compromise should be expected on both sides, and your tolerance level for a small/reasonable amount of suffocation or compromise may make you unhappy. People also react to and project on each other, so for example if one partner is jealous the other may become more so as a result. Not to say you should blame yourself for who your partner is, but that people in sync do rebound stuff between each other. A positive person can lift up someone who isn't so positive, for example. I can become a lot of work and there can be resentment, so you want to get with someone who is closer to your levels. But a relationship can take a hit from one person bringing some negativity in the short term and because it bounces around it's hard to say who was doing it.

[Moogie]

I've had several serious relationships during my short (nearing 30) years. I learned more about myself than I would have thought possible.

I learned that I don't really want to share myself with another on an intimiate, day-to-day basis. I enjoy it for a while, but I quickly feel suffocated by it. I like my privacy. I enjoy my own company and can entertain myself just fine, but I'm not a total loner; I have close friends and I cherish their company. But the thoughts of spending every day in the same person's company puts a real shiver up my spine!

I've also come to realise that it's okay to have this preference. All throughout our lives, the social expectation is that we'll one day "settle down" with someone, have a family, have children. And although this is the expectation, it is not a requirement. Nor is it a requirement for us to be happy. If a different path gives us happiness, then we should not force ourselves to be something others 'expect' us to be.

I am more happy in life now than I've ever been. Now that I realise I don't HAVE to be with anyone; I don't HAVE to eventually have kids, if I don't think I'll ever want any. I have the freedom to truly be myself and not worry about making someone else happy, or compromising my own desires.

If this sounds selfish, that's because it absolutely is! Life, and the pursuit of happiness, is the very definition of selfishness. It doesn't stop me being kind or generous in other ways. But how I live my own life will not be defined by someone else's standards.

Our time here is short; enjoy it.

[kaijyuu]

Are you a comic book villain, moogie? You start off with a sensible argument then at the very end swerve off in a weird non-sequitor direction.

Leaving others alone because you want to be left alone yourself isn't selfishness. Want to know what WOULD be selfish? Getting in a relationship regardless so the other person could benefit you in some way, then denying them all their relationship needs. You are not advocating that.

Don't tout selfishness as a virtue. Down that path lies madness.

[Muz]

Sounds like you didn't find the right person.

I'd say that relationships are a skill. Most people just don't know how to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend. A lot of people improve along the way. Some never bother to improve. I think by the time people hit 25, they're already damn good with relationships, so much so that they decide to marry someone after dating them for 3 months.

It's kinda hard to say. I'm for the policy of just dumping someone who you don't think about all the time. A good relationship should be such that you miss them when you don't talk to them once every 2 days. It shouldn't be tedious, yet it shouldn't be effortless. It's like well.. improving yourself in a game or favorite sport. You don't mind the long hours you put into it.

[Pnx]

On the one hand, I appear to be basically a heterosexual with bi-romantic tendencies. On the other I have serious issues with the whole sex and romance thing. I really don't get how other people just date other people. I generally don't feel like I could be in a working relationship with anyone I know, while I feel attraction in the most abstract sense, most of the time I feel incapable of feeling attracted to any specific person.
It's really weird and I'm not sure what to make of the whole thing. If I really want to wind up in a relationship or not... Meh.

I honestly think I'd like to try it all out at some point, but I don't think I'm really that worked up about it all.

I also really want to be able to have a really close bond with someone at some point, and it feels like maybe romance is the only way to achieve that? I really don't think I'm comfortable with that idea though...

[kaijyuu]

On the one hand, I appear to be basically a heterosexual with bi-romantic tendencies. On the other I have serious issues with the whole sex and romance thing. I really don't get how other people just date other people. I generally don't feel like I could be in a working relationship with anyone I know, while I feel attraction in the most abstract sense, most of the time I feel incapable of feeling attracted to any specific person.
It's really weird and I'm not sure what to make of the whole thing. If I really want to wind up in a relationship or not... Meh.

I honestly think I'd like to try it all out at some point, but I don't think I'm really that worked up about it all.

I also really want to be able to have a really close bond with someone at some point, and it feels like maybe romance is the only way to achieve that? I really don't think I'm comfortable with that idea though...

My advice is to just figure out what you want and go for it. Forget social expectations; if you don't want to have commitment on the level of marriage, don't get committed.

There are lots of fish in the sea and I'm absolutely certain you can find someone who has the same desires and you can have a mutually beneficial relationship with. It doesn't matter if that relationship is fuck buddies, non-sexual romance, anything inbetween or sideways.

[Pnx]

I think... I really just want to be held by someone willing to just listen to me rant about whatever silly thing I want to rant about, and who is willing to generally tell me that it's ok to be me... because that sort of thing is something that's been pretty lacking in my life.

The thing is that when someone actually does something like that I tend to reject it heavily, because I feel they're being insincere, or that they're not informed enough about me... So I guess maybe I just really want that from someone I trust and respect a lot? Though that sort of feels unrealistic to me.

I generally don't want to lay these sorts of issues at someone else's feet. Especially given how... intolerant a lot of people are about these sorts of things.

[Bauglir]

It's kinda hard to say. I'm for the policy of just dumping someone who you don't think about all the time. A good relationship should be such that you miss them when you don't talk to them once every 2 days. It shouldn't be tedious, yet it shouldn't be effortless. It's like well.. improving yourself in a game or favorite sport. You don't mind the long hours you put into it.

Myself, I feel like this not the best approach. Relationships with people take a lot of work to cultivate, and part of that work is recognizing the impact somebody has on your life overall even if you don't feel the spark at a given moment. As a matter of fact, I think one of the most important things to learn is to realize when somebody's hurting you even if you do feel it. Thinking about someone all the time isn't love, I think, it's obsession - which is fine, in its own way, but there's no real person that you'll feel that way every day all through a multi-decade relationship. The days will come when you feel overwhelmed, smothered, or neglected, and managing those without losing sight of what your partner means to you is crucial to keeping the relationship alive.

If you're planning to drop the relationship immediately whenever you hit a stumble, you need to accept that your relationships will be short-lived, and you need to be honest with your partner about this plan, or you're going to be hurting both of you. On the other hand, if you can do that, then you're just looking for something other than what most people mean when they talk about serious relationships. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but it just needs to be called out as such when it comes to advice.

[kaijyuu]

I think... I really just want to be held by someone willing to just listen to me rant about whatever silly thing I want to rant about, and who is willing to generally tell me that it's ok to be me... because that sort of thing is something that's been pretty lacking in my life.

The thing is that when someone actually does something like that I tend to reject it heavily, because I feel they're being insincere, or that they're not informed enough about me... So I guess maybe I just really want that from someone I trust and respect a lot? Though that sort of feels unrealistic to me.

I generally don't want to lay these sorts of issues at someone else's feet. Especially given how... intolerant a lot of people are about these sorts of things.

Would you be willing to do the same for someone else?

If you want a friend, be a friend, and all that.

[mjhacker]

Background disclaimer: Since I was 16, I've never been single for longer than 3 months.  Married the first girl I dated when I turned 18, divorced at 26 (that makes a decade-long relationship... that's more than a third of my life, ugh), dated a couple more girls briefly, and am now in a relationship that I've been in for a year and a half (and I plan on it being my last romantic relationship).

I can't give you much advice on being single, but I can offer some advice about your possible future with relationships.

Whether you've been in a relationship for a month, a year, or a decade, a relationship is work, and it will never stop being work.  So yeah, even for die-hard long-term monogamists like myself, there are times where I feel like I just don't have it in me to maintain a relationship.  I'm lucky enough to be with someone who understands my various neuroses, and the times when I'm having a bad day week month require a lot of patience on her end; that kind of commitment to me is returned with me not taking her for granted, and not ignoring her needs.  I will tell you this - never stick around in a relationship you don't want to be in or doesn't make you happy.  It's better to remain single forever than to mire yourself in a partnership that makes both of you miserable.  The end of my marriage was basically both of us trying to salvage something that was irreparable, and being miserable in the process.


If you do find a special someone that you want to be with, and they want to be with you, some tips - communicate, be honest, and prepare to make compromises.  If both of you do this, your relationship will be wonderful.  If neither of you do this, your relationship will be terrible.


My advice to you, summarized: ignore society's expectations, live the life you want to live, cultivate friendships, and keep an open heart.  Don't be afraid to get in relationships, but don't get in relationships just because you feel like you're expected to.  If you find someone who you dig and digs you, you'll both find a way to be together and make it work.  If I, as a manic-depressive introvert who may or may not be mildly autistic, can maintain a relationship, I know you can, too.