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[Catsup]

how often should i call/text to keep in touch? give me your opinion and experiences and any other advice. I will provide more info if many ppl request it.

thanks, i appreciate the help

[Iceblaster]

If they text you, wait a week

In all seriousness though, just talk on a basis you feel comfortable with, maybe figure out when they are free and you two could play a game or together.

Discuss common interests, hang out and generally just have fun and be yourself as they always say.

[Biowraith]

When I still had friends I basically tried to mirror the frequency with which they contacted me, basically try to make sure it wasn't all them or all me doing the calling/texting/whatever so it didn't seem like I was constantly pestering them but also not expecting them to do all the work.

That said, the frequency with which they contacted me (and thus with the above rule of thumb, me them) gradually got further and further apart until it tapered off and ceased altogether, so that's maybe bad advice; I'm not sure if we'd have stayed in touch / stayed friends if I'd increased/maintained the frequency I contacted them to compensate, or if the friendships had just naturally run their course (we'd all been friends through childhood, and this fizzling out took place after/during university).

[Tiruin]

...I'm really unsure if there's some kind of protocol or defined method in keeping touch with friends. Seems pretty strange to me though, however what I'll say is to treat your friends like..well, treasures. Keep in contact with them when you can. ._.

Communication keeps bonds together. Stay in touch with em!

how often should i call/text to keep in touch? give me your opinion and experiences and any other advice. I will provide more info if many ppl request it.

Or..if this is a serious thing, then I'd really suggest you talk to them about this instead of asking us 'strangers' over the internet about it. I mean, if said person is your friend, then I believe they'd help you more readily and deeper than our textual advice can given the limited modum of communication here.

Talk to them about this.

[Catsup]

...I'm really unsure if there's some kind of protocol or defined method in keeping touch with friends.

i guess i didnt say my topic too correctly, im really asking you guys how often you call your friends to maintain relations. Numbers would be nice.

Or..if this is a serious thing, then I'd really suggest you talk to them about this instead of asking us 'strangers' over the internet about it. I mean, if said person is your friend, then I believe they'd help you more readily and deeper than our textual advice can given the limited modum of communication here.

Talk to them about this.

i dont feel like talking to them about this, this is something i need to figure out on my own. And i dont know what you mean by serious thing, but if it means getting closer to my friend then no, im asking how to maintain a friendship with mostly (almost all) texts and calls.

When I still had friends I basically tried to mirror the frequency with which they contacted me, basically try to make sure it wasn't all them or all me doing the calling/texting/whatever so it didn't seem like I was constantly pestering them but also not expecting them to do all the work.

That said, the frequency with which they contacted me (and thus with the above rule of thumb, me them) gradually got further and further apart until it tapered off and ceased altogether, so that's maybe bad advice; I'm not sure if we'd have stayed in touch / stayed friends if I'd increased/maintained the frequency I contacted them to compensate, or if the friendships had just naturally run their course (we'd all been friends through childhood, and this fizzling out took place after/during university).

hehehe so you were nice enough to make friends during your childhood you are alright. Your advice isnt all that bad, no one is the same, so there is no set standard for how often you should call, it depends on the friend. But yea, you have to be proactive in friendships.

In all seriousness though, just talk on a basis you feel comfortable with, maybe figure out when they are free and you two could play a game or together.

Discuss common interests, hang out and generally just have fun and be yourself as they always say.

im asking here because i as a person have not stopped changing and developing yet...if that process ever stops at all. If i was friends with my clone we would never call each other unless we really did have something to talk about. Therefore, i cannot rely on how often i feel like calling. I feel i should call more often, im asking at what point is the line between annoying (too much calls) and (typically) enough calls to maintain relations.


thanks for the responses guys keep em coming, but i've decided i need numbers, mostly numbers.(how often do you call your friend to maintain that friendship?) i Will look at that, decide what is typical, and try to stick to that.

[Tiruin]

..So you're on a tech-only basis? O_o This means..long distance relationship and all that?

...I've no idea how to translate those things in numbers, but what I mean by the 'serious thing' is that you seem to be finding exacts to judge what you're doing by--or probably something to follow in case of 'anything'. I'm unsure about that as...it seems like you're holding back there, but its understandable.

thanks for the responses guys keep em coming, but i've decided i need numbers, mostly numbers.(how often do you call your friend to maintain that friendship?) i Will look at that, decide what is typical, and try to stick to that.

Erm, people aren't robots. You don't need a 'defined set of ordinates' to maintain a real friendship. Just keeping in mutual contact with them is the best way, unless you've had experiences in the past which seem to blur that notion given the...well, how I see what you're asking for here.

Could I ask why you're asking for those things, if it'd better detail the situation? It's ok if you don't want to, just a tad bit confusing on what exactly you're finding trouble with.

[Catsup]

..So you're on a tech-only basis? O_o This means..long distance relationship and all that?

i prefer it to be like this, i have to take a bus to visit or hang out with my friend and im kinda lazy and dont like going out.

Just keeping in mutual contact with them is the best way, unless you've had experiences in the past which seem to blur that notion given the...well, how I see what you're asking for here.

yes, i have lack of experience of much in life. I find small talk to be pointless but i recognize it is necessary if you dont have much to actually mutually talk about.

Could I ask why you're asking for those things, if it'd better detail the situation? It's ok if you don't want to, just a tad bit confusing on what exactly you're finding trouble with.

no trouble at all, i guess i might have worded what i want wrong again though. I really want approximate numbers, how often do you guys text/call a typical friend of yours that you only want to maintain relations with, typically? (bolded so everyone sees) just give me an estimate per week if you guys dont keep count.

[Eagleon]

If you're not that interested in their input in your life, if you're only doing it to "maintain relations," they're going to pick up on that. It's not about the frequency that you talk to them, it's about the content. Small talk is pointless, everyone knows that, everyone finds it boring. It's something you tolerate with coworkers and maybe distant family members, because you need them. Caveat - not everything you consider smalltalk is smalltalk to the other person, obviously.

Regular friends don't follow some magic formula - I have friends I only talk to maybe once a week, others I'll talk to every day given the chance. There is no typical friendship, because everyone has different preferences and tolerances. The difference between them is how much of my life I share with them, the commonality is that I share something at all. I could take the set average and say '4.7' or something, but that wouldn't help you any. Just go with the flow, talk to them when you want to, and they'll return that respect.

Also, I know you're set on phone-only, but take the bus anyway if your friend wants to hang out. For some reason it's become cliche to people, but it's true that face to face interaction has a richness which technology can't possibly match (yet). If it's an anxiety thing as it was for me, that's something I encourage you to work to get rid of, because it's a very positive thing to have in your life in the end.

[Tiruin]

I find small talk to be pointless but i recognize it is necessary if you dont have much to actually mutually talk about.

With personal experience on this, small talk is more of a general term than not (ie 'Stuff I think is trivial', which is subjective)--find what topics are common ground for you and your friend and *poof* no 'small talk'.

Well, for me anyways.

Also, I know you're set on phone-only, but take the bus anyway if your friend wants to hang out. For some reason it's become cliche to people, but it's true that face to face interaction has a richness which technology can't possibly match (yet). If it's an anxiety thing as it was for me, that's something I encourage you to work to get rid of, because it's a very positive thing to have in your life in the end.

This holds true forever. Technology can offer only so much communication for people, yet it is in communication that we subsist on and not technology. If its purely by phone, then I'm pretty much sure that the notion of 'keeping relations by approximates' fails when you talk about a real friendship and it falls on more of your current friend being a future acquaintance. Well, unless you really can't visit them in person, or have no other way of mutual contact than texting, then that's another story. But given that you can keep in touch with them, then its best to meet personally (when possible).

About those approximate numbers, while I'd give my own, I'll highlight the flaw in your ideals.

how often do you guys text/call a typical friend of yours that you only want to maintain relations with, typically?

That doesn't sound right to me, if you really want to be friends with someone. That, or I see friendship in a totally different way than you.

But if you really, really want to keep a 'set number' and I really can't understand why...make it an hour or three of conversation. Time literally flies by that I can't count it due to the fun we have and the stuffs we talk about, even if those stuffs sometimes lie in the silence between us.

Why I can't understand this is why you're seemingly not going for the essence of what's in those messages, and instead aiming for the 'total time needed for a conversation', because I can't see that being the point at all in a conversation, much less in a relationship = friendship.

[Vector]

Probably because the OP has Asperger's (not meant to be insulting, so do I).

How old are you, OP, and how did you make this friend?  What sorts of things do you do and talk about?  Those are the factors that will determine how often you should talk.

[nenjin]

I'd say right now I have two very close friends. One I work with. We message each other all day, go out to lunch, ect...When we're not working, I'd say I talk to him, even just a passing silly comment, at least once every two days.

My other friend I would say I talk to about once a week via Steam or text messages. Mainly we're just coordinating when we're going to hang out, who has free time when, getting psyched to play games, ect...

I talk to my brother, who is half friend, half family, about once a month or so.

Just about everyone one else I can go weeks or months without speaking to. I'm just not the sort of person to make small talk for the sake of keeping up a relationship. Good friends of old understand this. New friends, it's a sort of winnowing process. I tend to not make new, true friends very easily and even fend off attempts to to do so sometimes. (People going "We should hang out..." and me going "Yeah!......" It's not anything personal against them or anything. I'm just pretty selective and I tend to want vet people for a while before I move them out of acquaintance into friend.

[Catsup]

Just about everyone one else I can go weeks or months without speaking to. I'm just not the sort of person to make small talk for the sake of keeping up a relationship. Good friends of old understand this. New friends, it's a sort of winnowing process. I tend to not make new, true friends very easily and even fend off attempts to to do so sometimes. (People going "We should hang out..." and me going "Yeah!......" It's not anything personal against them or anything. I'm just pretty selective and I tend to want vet people for a while before I move them out of acquaintance into friend.

That doesn't sound right to me, if you really want to be friends with someone. That, or I see friendship in a totally different way than you.

after reading these, i think we are more acquaintances than friends, but then most ppl my age i met use the term too loosely compared to the way you guys are describing it. I didnt really have a set definition for what friend meant before, nor did i really care that much about what it meant; but i guess it means "someone you share your life with" in a good way eh?

i will ask another question then, is it normal for acquaintances to exchange phone numbers?

Probably because the OP has Asperger's (not meant to be insulting, so do I).

i do not think i have that condition, i looked it up on wikipedia. I match inversely to many of the supposed symptoms of the condition. This includes friendmaking and social interaction because my lack of skill in these is due to a lack of experience, not a genetic basis.

How old are you, OP, and how did you make this friend?  What sorts of things do you do and talk about?  Those are the factors that will determine how often you should talk.

hmm well im 21 and shes 23, we met when i was staying over at her house due to a power outage. How did i end up staying at her house? well her mom is my dad's boyfriend and my dad is staying there so he brought me over.

what sorts of things do i do...let me think. Im mostly into gaming (dwarf fortress included) though recently i've been doing much more random stuff than normal relative to just gaming (ie practicing my speech's articulation, piano, listening to synthesia music, mostly chilling and doing whatever i feel like). What do i talk about...this is actually a somewhat hard question because i dont talk alot, im quite good (well...better than i thought) at talking in a conversation that has already started and i can usually keep it going but i am better at being a good listener and responding to speech than speaking and starting conversations at the moment.

[Vector]

No, I'm sorry.  Let me add some context: what sorts of things do you do with her, and what have you talked about?

Is this your first friend, OP, or have you had others?

[Catsup]

oh such a fast response lol

No, I'm sorry.  Let me add some context: what sorts of things do you do with her, and what have you talked about?

hmm, well i did notice she played league of legends, we talked about that for a little bit. I dont think i want to play that at the moment though. We talked about school a little bit, i asked her what residence was like and all. She is really good at painting and drawing and we talked about that for a little while because im actually slightly interested in drawing (for my own "reasons" which i will not discuss here). We actually talked about some of the stuff the ppl in this thread are talking to me about (ie friendship, experiences, and life) but not that much. And some random other stuff, not all small talk though, i dont remember exactly, but it definitely was not about the weather lol.

Is this your first friend, OP, or have you had others?

friends, friends...friends? i guess this is probly my first real friend, as this is the first person i sought to actively try to maintain a friendship with. I have given my cell phone number to one other person before, but that was something else. I have not had any real life friends since middle school and early high school, and those were not at all close (heck i think some of my friends from back then even hated me xD, well in the good way). I've had friends from some MMORPGs i play, but those were left behind when i stopped playing the games.

[Vector]

Hmm... Well, OP, I'd say that the most important thing in not contacting a friend too often is in having other friends to spend time with, so you're not desperate.  If you'll be seeing her some because she's your dad's girlfriend's daughter, then that could be enough as-is to start off with.

Otherwise, it's often just a question of if you have anything to talk about.  In the beginning, at least, if she doesn't respond after two spaced-out tries then it's usually better not to keep trying unless some sort of "natural circumstance" makes you meet again.