Tipsy, daisy. Tipsy, daisy. Austri court was being served by a drunken maid. The female students thought it a scandal, but the male ones, Malicorne in particular, were trying to carve that sight into their memories for future reference.
When Siesta had grown from a little girl into a young woman, she had found her movements awkward and uncoordinated. Right now, she was experiencing that same incongruity with her body; it was puberty all over again. Therefore, it was of questionable judgement of her to be serving cheesecake to horndogs who might've thought her drunk and tried to have their ways with her. In defence of her judgement, the jobs was going to involve this sooner or later; the only question was whether or not it was going to spiral down into one of those odd venereal periodicals young noble men had under their beds.
'Those leers are disgusting.' Commentary from Zero filled Siesta's mind.
"I have to deal with that on a daily basis!" Siesta responded out loud, not noticing the stares of puzzlement that came from the students. Drunk and crazy were good combinations for a fortnightly, carnal snippet, but in real life, it was just tragic.
The clumsiness that she was experiencing was in fact, neither due to alcohol nor a second puberty, but rather, due to the presence of Zero in her thoughts. Even when Zero was not thinking about movement, the interference it caused to Siesta was no great joke. It was an annoyance.
"Ah, Mister Gramont wants fruitcake. Remember, Mr Gramont, you are what you eat." Siesta placed a slice of fruitcake with her tongs onto the dandy's plate. A clearly disturbed Guiche the Gramont was gawking at the audacity of the maid. Insulting Guiche de Gramont had become a game for even commoners to play, but the sly attack on his masculinity was something altogether. Regardless, he had no time to flirt with maids or respond to them. The other boys could have her for all he cared; he wasn't so base so as to fall prey to raw physical features (although it had to be admitted that bosom looked nice on her).
'That wasn't necessary was it, Zero? The "you are what you eat part", I mean.' Siesta's body was not fully her own because of Zero and because of that, neither was her voice.
'Of course not, it was merely a reflection on the dandy.'
'Please refrain from making my body insult nobles in the future, Zero. I have parents to feed.'
'Acknowledged, Siesta. By Jove, what is that awful smell?!'
Siesta noticed that a pungent stench of dead flowers had filled the courtyard and by extension, her nostrils. The source of their olfactory despair came from a few mails ('adopt the metric system for goodness' sake!) behind Guiche, from a bag of a first year girl. The smell was so strong, that Guiche almost fainted, with a small bottle falling out of his pocket, under the table as he tried to retain consciousness by pressing on the table. Malicorne, being a glutton with an affinity for any kind of food, seemed curious why everyone in Austri Court was blocking their nostrils. Ignoring the pervasive odour that would've wrecked Siesta were it not for a lifetime dealing with cow pats, Siesta went to Guiche's table and placed the small bottle onto the top of the table.
"Hey, Guiche, is that Montmorency's perfume?" Malicorne always had a tendency of ruining everything. Guiche's current state of semi-consciousness was soon replaced by full lucidity as his preservation instincts went into work.
"No, not at all, hey, maid! That doesn't belong to me! Take it back. Oh, that smells awful!" The confusion at Guiche's table was starting to attract attention, possibly unwanted.
"Guiche, are you alright?" The first-year girl placed her hand on Guiche's shoulder as she placed the culinary terror on Guiche's table.
"I think it's your soufflé that's killing him, care to spray Montmorency's fragrance onto it to get rid of the smell?" Zero seized this opportunity to mock everyone for being the excessive extravagances that they were. Needless to say, Siesta was alarmed at the sheer lack of tact that he was demonstrating. It would ruin her!
'No more, Zero, just get to work, don't piss them off!' When you angered a noble, things tended to get out of hand.
Tears started streaming down the first-year's eyes. While Siesta walked off to continue with her duties, she could hear a slap, some crying and the tormented voice of a spurned man (or dandy, which was by far more the right term).
The palm print of a young girl, a lecture from Miss Chevreuse and having evil-smelling soufflé shoved into his face did not serve to enhance Guiche's day at all; thus, he took the only action.
"You cheap strumpet, look at what you've done!"
Had Siesta fully controlled her own body, she would've made it a priority to run away from the angry blonde. Angry little noble children were spiteful little vampires whenever things didn't go their way. Spoilt brats. Bitches they could be said to be.
Ignoring Siesta's protests, Zero turned around.
"What have I done?" This place was a freak show and Zero was enjoying every moment of it; it reminded her of the Crack House with the transients and crack heads who sung incoherently as if invoking some divine saviour to give them deliverance.
"You've made my dear Catherine, cry, that's what you have done!"
"I think it was more the fact that you weren't willing to just hide that perfume in your pocket in the first place. If you're double dating, you should've been smart enough to think about being discreet."
"WHY YOU!" Guiche de Gramont was fuming; this was a different thing altogether; while annoyed nobles were one thing, angry aristocrats that wanted to use you as a punching bag were a completely different thin altogether.
"DUEL. HERE. NOW."
"Fine by me, fruitcake."
~~~
It was usually Tabitha who would be seen walking around while reading a book. However, a certain strawberry blonde had had the sweetest day of her life since her fiancé had reassured her on her potential as a mage. The manual on Inner Familiars was abound with information.
'Wardes.' Louise began to proceed to Austri Court, where tea would be served, when she noticed a sharp pain in her head.
She was back there again, back on the chaise longue in the room of that terrifying familiar who she could help but feel ambivalent towards. Sure, it had allowed her to have some degree of magic, but what were its ulterior motives? The moment she thought of that, speaking of the devil, Zero had appeared in front of her, bearing the same form as her.
"I have a favour to ask of you, Louise."
Louise simply looked at her doppelganger. That was her familiar, may as well get used to its antics.
"There is a duel currently happening in Austri Court. I request of you that you make sure no-one interferes."
"And why should I do that, familiar?"
"Because I can explain why you could transmute those pebbles this morning." That promise alone, was enough.
~~~
Finding herself back in the real world once again, Louise reoriented herself. 'Ensure no-one interfered with the duel', was the sole thought on her mind. The morning had shown her her true potential and for all the pride she could have, she could not deny the fact that that being of pure, form-copying malice had something to do with it; she had never been able to properly cast a spell before and the fact that she did in Miss Chevreuse's class spoke volumes about the familiar – familiars enhanced their contractors and to have gained the ability to do proper magic from the bond formed between him (she had seen its true form) and her meant that her familiar was very significant despite its incorporeality.
As she finally finished her sprinting rush to Austri Court, she could see a most mind-boggling sight; a commoner, that maid from earlier, stood before a mage – Guiche, more precisely (who knew the antics he could get up to in his chase for skirts) – as if she was ready to duel him; such sights were always either a comedy scene or the prelude to a very bad mess as chances were, if the commoner did not have a pistol (generally, multiple pistols, with a godlike aiming at that), the mage would win and in their triumph be very cruel. The two were flanked by an audience, out of which, Louise could distinguish Montmorency; perhaps Guiche was desperate enough to make advances on the maid and then decided to shrug her off, with much futility, when Montmorency came along? The facts would show themselves soon enough, but she probably would have to look out of Montmorency; everybody knew her longing for Guiche despite all her pseudo-spurning of him.
Then began the parade of pride and the inevitable fall.
"Whorish strumpet, you should've known from the very beginning that is not a good idea to enrage an aristocrat." A mean smile on Guiche's face reflected the cocky nature that was intrinsic to him.
"I'm very surprised that you haven't fled yet or more appropriated, kneeled down before me in apology." The maid seemed remarkably calm despite the taunts; the face reminded Louise of her mother, and speaking of faces, she thought that the maid usually had a gentler, softer visage than that stare of steel she now had.
"Not acting yet? Well, I guess your sort is just a cowardly bunch of parasites that feed off the land." Louise would've expected that rather sharp taunt to enrage the commoner; peasants weren't that well known for composure – but in spite for all the taunts, the maid was deadly still in her pugilistic stance. If Louise were a commoner, she certainly would've lunged for Guiche's throat.
"I'm guessing I'm getting the honour of the first strike then?"
The maid did not respond.
"A cheap seductress and a mute! What is the world coming to? Very well, I shall take an honour." Everyone knew about Guiche's Valkyries – the last time Malicorne had went after Montmorency, it had become a popular yarn that the only girl he'd be in the arms of would be one of those golems – that and it wouldn't an amorous affair.
A rose petal fell from Guiche's wand and as per usual to anyone who had seen Guiche the Bronze exercise his magical faculties, a Valkyrie armed with a truncheon appeared. Guiche apparently, was not in the best of moods – whenever that happened, any dalliances he was involved in much more skin contact than usual, almost to the extent of outright fornication; the key word was 'almost' however – he didn't have a reputation as strong as Kirche's (Louise never knew if the bragging third-year boys were telling their friends the truth). Then again, the sight of him passionately snogging a first-year was not exactly an image of discipline (or noble propriety). Maybe his relations with the maid were part of a reversal in this cycle?
~~~
Whenever a mage had the sheer brutality to even summon a golem, everyone knew what happened – either the commoner would soil themselves, surrender and apologise, or get smashed into half-paste; seeing as the maid did not yield, Guiche took the other option. He commanded his Valkyrie to charge…
In retrospect, bashing up a random domestic service was not the ideal way to relieve stress. Just before the Valkyrie had rammed into the maid, a very commanding voice, rivalling that of her mothers had rippled from the made, with the Valkyrie immediately stopping like a soldier before a captain.
"Valkyria, why do you insist on obeying such a weak knave?" The crowd gasped with wonderment at the sudden arrest of the Valkyrie. Was Guiche secretly an incompetent mage all along, similar to how Louise had hidden Triangle-level transmutation magic or was the maid secretly a mage? The wish for an answer could be felt.
"W-W-What is this?" Waving his wand, Guiche tried to regain control of his Valkyrie – this golem casting had never failed him before. Theoretically, hijacking another mage's golem was possible, but that was very high-level magic; even if the commoner was secretly a mage, years of disguise probably should've ate away their magic to prevent Square-level development – he could not comprehend the current occurrence.
"Valkyria, through all of you and your many sisters' existences, I believe you have all commonly experienced one thing." The maid, evidently named Siesta, according to Tabitha, stated this with a judge's finality. If you wanted to attack Guiche, you'd call him a dandy. If you wanted to destroy Guiche on the other hand…
"Under the service of that 'man'" what appeared to be Siesta snorted in sarcasm, "and I say that only because he calls himself that, you have been treated no more than objects of the male gaze." The lone Valkyrie cocked its head, as if in consideration.
"Throughout your hundreds lives, all that he has ever treated you with, was the contempt of a predatory groom on an unknowing prospective wife. You have been but a means to an end. All the contests, all the praise, all the acknowledgement, they had been all lies." The damning observation made the Valkyrie tighten the hold on the truncheon's grip.
"From the very first moment he called upon your kind, they have been as nought but trophy wives, to be paraded throughout the street as the vindication of some effeminate's title." The Valkyrie was growing ever tenser, as if a wife was learning about her husband sleeping with someone else. It could be seen that Guiche was trying to dissuade the Valkyrie from listening to the maid, to no avail.
"It is not titles that honour men, but men that honour titles. Therefore, Valkyria, realising that Guiche de Gramont is neither a true man nor 'the Bronze', join me."
Upon that final statement, the Valkyrie nodded to Siesta, as if in declaring fealty, and suddenly turned towards Guiche. A slow, menacing walk, the prowl of a cat before a mouse began, Guiche being driven back by the incredible amount of fear he felt.
Seeing the incredible distress Guiche was in, Montmorency positioned herself between the Valkyrie and Guiche, only to be suddenly levitated away to the other side.
"No-one interfere in the duel! This is between Guiche and the commoner only; I will punish anyone who would try that." A Louise would a very harsh voice drove back a worried Reynald. While the vast majority were spectators, some were beginning to become concerned for Guiche de Gramont's welfare. Having seen what Louise had done early, they obliged.
"Valkyria! Bind him to that chair!" And thus, a five minute re-education had begun.
~~~
"Mr Gramont. Earlier, you tried to say that I was lying about that vial of perfume from Montmorency, did you not?"
Unsure of how to respond, Guiche did not answer. A blow from the irate Valkyrie changed his mind, making him squeal out "Yes!" from his gag and nod his head. 3 teeth.
"So, Mr Gramont, you believed that you have the right to deny me of reality?" Thinking he knew what would happen if he didn't answer, another affirmative squeak came and in response, another 3 teeth.
"So, if an aristocrat forced his subjects to acknowledge 2 plus 2 was equal to 5, they would have to acknowledge it despite all reasons saying otherwise?" Guiche thought it a ridiculous question; since when was Halkeginia created could 2+2=5? The questions puzzled him… and the answer to his hesitation was 4 teeth.
"What I'm asking you is that if an aristocrat required that his subjects acknowledge that 2 plus 2 is equal to five, they would have to acknowledge it on pain of death, wouldn't they?" Guiche nodded and screamed through the gag more. Montmorency's protests would've been heard it if weren't for the sound-blocking ward imposed upon her by Louise de la Vallière. The other students neutrally viewed onwards, as if voyeurs staring at the suffering of a deer being ripped alive.
"So now that I have virtual control over you, is two plus two equal to five?" Many more teeth would come out for Guiche's poorly chosen answer."
Night-time
"We shall abolish the orgasm. Our neurologists are at work upon it now. There will be no loyalty, except loyalty towards the Party. There will be no love, except the love of Big Brother." For all it authoritarian undertones, if there was any quotation that could encapsulate the current state of Guiche de Gramont, it would be that. Sprawled across the hay in the corner, the exhausted, sleeping body of Guiche de Gramont laid on his chest. It was in this now-foreign yet once-familiar bedroom that Louise de la Vallière was beginning to find the answer to her questions.
"I have and can give the power of Heart. With it, you can be anything you want to be – without me and without it, you are not even worthy of the name Zero."
That earlier explanation had chilled her to the bones. She could be anything she wanted; as long as he gave her the right to that power. Louise de la Vallière did not sleep that night, for she considered very carefully, the implications of maintaining her right to that power.
~~~
My fanfiction is also available on
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9808450/1/A-Familiar-of-Zero-and-Liberal-Crime-Squad-crossover-000