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[Knit tie]

Greetings, ladies, gentlemen and officers of the royal navy.

I have recently encountered a problem I never imagined I would have: I, somehow, believe that my life does not have enough suffering. Perhaps it's the dearth of non-depressing fiction in my life, perhaps it's the result of the mass media accentuating the negative, perhaps it is just the changing hormone levels, but for some reason I have been pervasivly thinking that everything in the world is bad and only going to become worse. People suffer, genocides happen, nobody but ruthless individualists thrive, good does not exist, decent people are mythological creatures, rulers who are not power-hungry incompetent mass murderers are also mythological creatures, the modern world in general is a hellhole and the only thing that prevents it from becoming everybody's favourite grim darkness of the far future is the fact that God has not tried to physically kill us, yet.

Now, this would not be a problem if it did not cause me to feel what I can only describe as survivor guilt. Despite the fact that I've been living in Russia with all the glorious suffering it's supposed to put on its people according to the classical literature, my life, so far, has been quite normal. And herein lies the issue: I cannot help but feel intensely guilty for not suffering while all those people did. Whenever I read, or even remember, about the various injustices throughout history, I feel not only empathetic with all those involved, but also intensely shameful that I did not go through the same pains. How can I be so happy, enjoying the warm sun, for example, while another man of my age is being brutally tortured to death after being captured by the members of a violent rebellion? Every time I buy a new pair of socks I can't help but think of the people who slaved in sweatshops to make them and the crushed dreams of the art students who are forced to stang behind the counter and sell me the damn things.

I sought to seek refuge in fiction, but alas, I couldn't help but be revolted by everything but the most depressing stories. Anything that does not involve the characters repeatedly failing at everything and then gruesomely dying gets condemned by my mind as "childish" and "unrealistic", while I suckle at tragedies such as "The Lord of Flies" with pervertedly masochistic abandon. Relishing in emotional scars of fictional people, however, did nothing to alleviate my grim worldview and only, as expected, worsened the condition.

Recently, I have found it difficult to believe that any goodness in anything, be it people or ideas, has any chance of existing, and that it is an inevitable course of action that the worst triumphs in the end: no struggle between a man and his circumstances can end with anything but more suffering than there was beforehand, and if said man becomes better off, than it is only because he has made others suffer in his stead. Beyond the obvious consequences of encouraging suicidal thoughts and inaction, this mindset has caused me to begin losing hope of everything being alright in the end, my only refuge from the aforementioned pseudo-survivor guilt, and thus exist in a self-recreating whirlpool of feeling woefully under-suffering and criminally happy.

It was only logical, therefore, that I would eventually resort to self-harm. I am writing this message a day one of my roommates has stopped me from carving gashes into my arm with a modeling knife in a particularly strong guilt delirium I entered after reading a newspaper article about another revolution in Africa turning out to be meaningless. I, obviously, do not wish for this behaviour to become my norm, after all, how am I going to finish my new Warmachine army if I keep breaking those expensive knives in my fingerbones, but I have realised that I have driven myself into a metaphysical corner with all the cynicism I have accumulated so far.

With that in mind, I am asking you to hopefully help me stop considering self-mutilation as a respectable afternoon activity.

[Jelle]

Ah a fellow cynical soul! I can relate, albeit not with the whole cutting thing wich I've never done.

On your depressing world view, I won't try to convince you of another outlook. In fact I'd say you have the right idea of things. Socio economically speaking when one person profits, another suffers. Taking advantage of everything and everyone is business as usual, all soly for personal gain. The powerful feverishly cling to their power and seek assimilate more of it, seeking to control and own everything their power allows. It truly is a dog eat dog world.

However

Recently, I have found it difficult to believe that any goodness in anything, be it people or ideas, has any chance of existing, and that it is an inevitable course of action that the worst triumphs in the end: no struggle between a man and his circumstances can end with anything but more suffering than there was beforehand, and if said man becomes better off, than it is only because he has made others suffer in his stead.

I must disagree here. It is possible for a person, through their actions, to improve things for themself and/or others without taking advantage of another. It's just that it is more advantageous to cut corners and cause suffering for others. Not impossible, just not the most effective way to play the game.

About the self harm bit here's my advice. I'm not going to tell you to not feel guilty, even though you really shouldn't. Well at least not in the magnitude as you are. It's a big world, and all its troubles are not yours. That isn't to say they aren't partly yours, as a moral human being.
Anyway, just feeling guilty does not help in any way. Neither does harming yourself as you are. Not to say punishment is futile, just fruitless and in your case really not necesary. If you truly feel guilty for living a favorable life then act on it and work to improve conditions for those less favorable. I'm sure there's plenty of volunteer work you could do, even close to home. Be the change you think is needed and all that.
And even if you chose not to, at the very least stop punishing yourself. There is no point to it, no one will be thankful for the suffering you endure you deem you deserve. You do not deserve it, you did not chose your life or anyone elses, you can however chose on how to act on it.

[Knit tie]

Ah, thank you, but I would, in fact, like to stop being so cynical. It's quite hard to live that way.

[Jelle]

Can't help there I'm afraid, it wouldn't be right to try and convince you of something I do not believe myself. Again though would like to stress on not dwelling on the negative and instead being a force of the positive, if you continue to feel guilty.

[x2yzh9]

I don't post here a lot. Frankly, I used to, and (several) descents into madness has stopped this. However, I seem to be encountering another trip like this. Maybe, I can help you? Helping others has always made me happy. Maybe it will if I can do it for you. However, likely to be a small wall of text and some personal experiences. I'll probably end up making my own thread, but hey, let me relate with what I can. Spoiler below.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I'm going to go in the order of things you presented, frankly because I feel like my life is spiraling down the drain, and I as well am becoming slowly cynical too. I heard crying tonight. A 2 AM phone call. All I can think is:Death. Losing another person. Possibly someone i care about, maybe I don't know that because I surely don't show it to many. Surely this is cynicism, or is it just being 'realistic'?
   I..Guess I'm goin to start with the guilt. I feel guilty plenty, probably for the wrong reasons though. Mainly because I havn't suffered either, and I feel I have to suffer and work for what I'm given, otherwise I will take it for granted. I hope that's not a fact. Yet, I do not want to work because of the sense of self preservation. If I do not work and simply ask and battle for what I feel entitled to...Then will I get it? In my family, that is probably a yes. Sure, if I keep on with it then that'll become a 'no'..But, just the right amount..Right?

Let me just start by saying this, Knit. Living a cynical life is hard and it will eat you up inside. I'm coming to realize this very fast, because obviously I wasn't meant to handle the mindset. I feel like being that way is just going to numb me to the pain I experience everyday, because hey, expect the worst. I've been waking up emotionally vacant or tired for the past few weeks..and I attribute it to that mindset. On the flipside? Being positive, hoping for the best but being prepared for the worst, moving on from past negative experiences just seems like a way to make myself vulnerable. Happy yes, vulnerable? Definitely. I've been hurt and getting hurt to much to really want to open myself up to that.

  The one thing I took from the lord of the flies, which I hope to god I will be rid of this curse soon enough, was that man is inherently evil. The book spoke to me in an emotional sense, and through my experiences. I've been 'fucked over'(used by people for material items) and messed with quite a bit in high school..If this is the world, then surely it is evil? And then I find the few people that matter to me. That prove to me over and over that there is good in this world, the people that would do anything for you as long as you do the same for them. And you know what, I've been thinking about that and I've come to my own conclusion, maybe this might provide you some relief too:No person is inherently 'good' or 'evil', it is their environmental upbringing ,their actions, who they affect and how they affect them that truly defines them. For the good that they do, they are 'good'. For the bad, however, they are just as 'evil'. Unbalancing the order of 'good' and 'evil' actions throughout life will draw you to one side, or you can simply stay in the middle. Pros and Cons to all 3 avenues.

A man and his circumstances. Man, if I can't relate to this in some way IDK what way I can. Frankly, I feel in life there's maybe, what, 2 options? you can
a) Work for it. Earn it yourself, be a self-made person. Ultimately, I feel earning and not being given things is how I am truly happy. However, my mind defaults to the opposite mindset. YMMV
 ab)make people suffer to, while your at it. Sure, helps, but how much money is worth the pain of others?
b) Don't work for it. Be given and ask for a lot, and earn as little as possible. Ultimately, this might lead to guilt for some, for others it might not but that would probably be the definition of entitlement.
 ba)You know, it's kind of a given that people will suffer under this option imo, simply because you are being given and not earning. Obviously, someone has to work for what you are getting?

So, you know, that kind of leads to my opinion..That work, effort and self-determination is frankly the ultimate step in happiness and self-fulfillment. Anything else..handouts..gifts..what have you, what you'd like to call it, anything less than working 100% for what you have is going to instill that much guilt, or sadness in someone. 'Course, if someone feels TRULY entitled to it(which there are plenty justifiable situations of that..to some degree) then they wouldn't feel bad about it, really.

So, i sincerely hope I have assisted you knit. I think a lot of things are processes which take time, however they don't perform themselves. Becoming a positive person from a cynical one, you or I or anyone else takes work, and most of all, hope and faith in human beings. Things will chip away at good, positive people. I think of this as the figurative satan in my life. Negative events will always bring you down, but the question is..do you let them change who you are, or do you move on and continue with the positive attitude? Whichever makes the individual happy, i guess, but my experience is that is does the opposite for me.

I apologize in advance for anyone that gets offended, angry or whatever negative that is a result of my post. I havn't posted in a damn long time and I needed to get this all off my chest, and hey, hopefully help someone else in the process. Kill two birds with one stone, right? I have a mere 16 years of experience on this world, surely less than most. But for what it matters and what it means to me..I hope it helps.

[lordcooper]

Serious question.  When's the last time you did something good for another person with no expectation of gaining from it?

[Shakerag]

Ah, thank you, but I would, in fact, like to stop being so cynical. It's quite hard to live that way.

Keep at it.  Eventually it gives way to apathy and that's much easier to live with.

[Caz]

I recommend a good therapist, especially if you're at the point where you are considering to hurt yourself.

[T-Mick]

Have you ever read G.K. Chesterton? I recommend Orthodoxy. It deals with optimists and pessimists, the inherent goodness or evil of man, and everything else. Or, really, just find some Chesterton and latch on tight. You're seeing the world through the entirely wrong lens, and I think the "Apostle of Common Sense" will be helpful to you.

P.S. Are you religious? 

[kaijyuu]

Ah, thank you, but I would, in fact, like to stop being so cynical. It's quite hard to live that way.

Keep at it.  Eventually it gives way to apathy and that's much easier to live with.

Apathy was so hellish to me that I had to start getting irrationally obsessed with things in order to care about anything at all.

Each to their own?

[Phmcw]

Well if you're in Russia, mocking Putin in public should bring all the pain you'll ever need in your life.

↑ this advice is terrible. Don't follow it.

But seriously, trying to do the right thing clumsily won't do any good, believe me. And very few peoples give a shit about you anyway.

I think that your problem is that, if I belive my own experience, teenager overestimate both their relevance and abilities by a lot. A HUGE lot.

[Adventuring Vagabond]

Serious question.  When's the last time you did something good for another person with no expectation of gaining from it?

This. When you see others suffer much more than you,you will be grateful you're not in their situation,and your problem seems quite lightened.

[mjhacker]

As someone who used to take part in a good amount of self-harm, I can try out some advice.

You might be surprised what a good therapist can do for you.

If you're not willing to try that, I recommend a few things.  Take up a constructive hobby of some kind.  When I was a teenager, writing was a helpful outlet.  Other than that, I took up building in a MUD (anyone remember those?), began teaching myself how to code, expanded my knowledge about music and movies, etc... all to try to lessen the horrible feelings that I was constantly dealing with.  If you're anything like I was, your teenage years are just going to suck.  You have to try to do everything you can to keep your mind busy, sharp, and distracted. 

The feelings you're describing sound different from what I went through, but that basic kind of pessimistic outlook was identical to mine.  It's indicative of a lack of serotonin in your brain, or some other mood disorder.  I would strongly advise you to consider medication.  If that isn't an option, I really like the previous suggestion of helping others.  If your life is good while others' lives aren't, do some volunteer work.  What little I've done has flooded my brain with happy-chemicals when I've done it, and others seem to report the same thing.

I don't want to just tell you that it's "just a phase," but... my self-harm stopped in my late teen years, and those I know who also did it stopped as they grew older, too.  If you have clinical depression, it probably won't just go away and you're probably going to be dealing with it for the rest of your life, which is why seeing a doctor is a good idea.  Good luck to you.

[Knit tie]

Thanks for the book reccomendation, T-Mick, I'll be sure to give it a try. Phmcw, of course I overestimate my abilities like a normal teenager. The problem is that, contrary to what Adventuring Vagabond said, it is not my own suffering that bothers me - there is almost none of that, I have a good life - it's the suffering of others. I, for some reason, care about random and even already historical people more that I should, so whenever I read about some pirate murdering some people, I feel honestly bad about those people. And somehow, that makes me think that all men are eventually bound to be killed by pirates, and that is the thought that makes me overly sad. So yeah. It's weird.

But thanks for the support, everyone! I'll try to follow your suggestions.

[Vector]

Hmm.  What if you tried doing some volunteer work?  You'd be helping to change someone, or something's destiny for the better, and you will most likely meet people who will make you believe in goodness.  Your empathy skills would also make you a really valuable participant!