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[Beast Tamer]

I'm a very private person, so having a college roommate made me a little cautious. The first eight weeks went by well enough, he went through great lengths to make friends with me and I reciprocated his attempts. We hung out every week, though he had a bit of a drinking problem.

Then one night he drank a bunch, asked a few questions, and I told him I was bisexual. Surprisingly he didn't take that very well, stormed out of the room in his underwear and yelled to the whole floor about it. I shrugged this off as a quirk of drunken behavior, even though I was very angry about him blabbing to everyone because- yet again- I'm a very private person.

A few days passed in which I gradually felt a change in temperature. He acted differently, changing in the bathroom whenever I was in, we didn't go out every week, he made excuses here and there and started talking to other people. So I confronted him about it.

He said that he had a right to know that I was bisexual and shouldn't have tried to hide it. He said that our relationship isn't the same, that I should stop making lewd comments to the other men and women (even though he, a few other guys, and one of the girls do the same) on our floor, and that he's in the right becuase I hid such an important piece of information about myself. He then made a passing mention about how he's so nice to let me use his stuff, and that he doesn't complain when I do.

I don't know what to make of this. Is this homophobia or something else?

[Darkmere]

Sounds like a bit of homophobic panic, and that he's uncomfortable enough with his own sexuality that he has to offload some insecurities on you, too.

I wish I could offer some insight into his behavior but honestly I can't remember well far enough back in my life that I didn't have gay friends. I'll offer some advice anyway, since that's what the forum is titled.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you aren't seeking a relationship with him. Remind him that a person is defined by more than who they are currently fucking. Also remind him that you didn't "hide" anything, and that you answered his questions about you when he asked you honestly. THEN remind him that the first thing he did when you WERE honest about a personal matter was blather it to everyone on the floor like an unrepentant, inconsiderate jackass.

It kinda sounds like he's an okay guy that's never had to deal with things outside of his comfort zone. I'm sorry you had to be the one to push him towards important life lessons, and I hope it all works out okay.

[Beast Tamer]

Thanks. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't- but I feel like I  have to do something because I still have to spend the rest of the semester and the one after that with him as my roommate.

[nenjin]

That's a tough break. Seems like you wouldn't have ended up in a good place either way.

I don't know if I agree with Darkmere's advice though. Telling him you're not interested in him seems rather demeaning to you and your sexual orientation, doesn't it? You  shouldn't have to reassure anyone that you're not trying to get in their pants, like you're some kind of predator because you're bisexual.

I'd just go on about your life, and if necessary, show you're not interested in him rather than telling him. By, for example, ignoring him. And remember that college takes all kinds, including people that have never had to share their living space with anyone but their family. So most everyone is experimenting with what kind of adult they are. That can lead to many happy and awful consequences. It sucks having to tip toe around who you are, but it's better safe than sorry (or at least, miserable.)

[Beast Tamer]

I supose, but I'd like to deal with the problem rather than avoid it. As I've said he has a drinking problem, and when he drinks he gets physical. In addition he's twice my size and weight, and often comes in long after I've fallen asleep. I'm worried he might try something.

[Darkmere]

Ignoring the problem only really shows the guy that he can intimidate people into getting his way and avoid having to expand his worldviews. Besides, that's not the vibe I'm getting from the supplied details. Roomie went to a great deal of trouble to make friends, so I think the best course of action would be to work on that established friendship to show that you (Beast Tamer) are the same person you were before Roomie started digging into your personal life.

Thinking about it further, I'd say that telling him you aren't interested is less "demeaning" and more "establish boundaries that Roomie doesn't feel are there." I've had to reassure female friends that I was not trying to hop in their pants, and I don't consider that an assault on my hetero manhood, just an attempt to clarify goals vs perceptions.

On the other hand, not taking steps to clarify the situation now can lead to assumptions on both sides (he feels threatened by your sexuality, you feel intimidated by his size and attitude) continuing to fester and possibly escalate. Best case, there's an understanding. Worse case, at least you tried.

[Vector]

He's being a fucking tool.  I'm really sorry about that.

I don't have much else to offer, other than that his saying you shouldn't get to flirt with girls, even, is really... yeah.  This is definitely a homophobic situation and I'd consider at least talking it over with your RA to get advice.  They're being paid a lot of money to do this kind of work and, if you think it'd be safe, you should consider discussing with them.

[GiglameshDespair]

He didn't have a right to know shit.

He also has no right to dictate your behaviour. If he acts violent in any way straight up report it to the relevant authorities, don't let anything slide there.

Ignoring the problem only really shows the guy that he can intimidate people into getting his way and avoid having to expand his worldviews. Besides, that's not the vibe I'm getting from the supplied details. Roomie went to a great deal of trouble to make friends, so I think the best course of action would be to work on that established friendship to show that you (Beast Tamer) are the same person you were before Roomie started digging into your personal life.

Thinking about it further, I'd say that telling him you aren't interested is less "demeaning" and more "establish boundaries that Roomie doesn't feel are there." I've had to reassure female friends that I was not trying to hop in their pants, and I don't consider that an assault on my hetero manhood, just an attempt to clarify goals vs perceptions.

On the other hand, not taking steps to clarify the situation now can lead to assumptions on both sides (he feels threatened by your sexuality, you feel intimidated by his size and attitude) continuing to fester and possibly escalate. Best case, there's an understanding. Worse case, at least you tried.

This seems quite decent.

[Vector]

Yeah, I was going to say... if he's violent, then that constitutes a hate crime.  Probably.  Depending on your state.

I'm sure you know how liberal the laws are in your region--be safe.

[Beast Tamer]

Thanks, I'll try.

I was thinking about making a comment about how sad it is you can go on the internet and find better people than the ones you hang around with, but then I realized it depends on what places of the internet you go to.

[GiglameshDespair]

Thanks, I'll try.

I was thinking about making a comment about how sad it is you can go on the internet and find better people than the ones you hang around with, but then I realized it depends on what places of the internet you go to.

Most people here are like-minded in this sort of matter, because they're old enough to understand and enjoy DF and young enough to be less... traditionally minded. Also these forums are probably the best I've seen.

[nenjin]

Yeah, if you pose to your RA that you're worried for your safety, they might expedite finding you a new room/roommate. I wouldn't overplay the point though, because if the University feels the need to investigate, things will go from tense to hostile.

[MadMalkavian]

First off, it's no one's business who you're interested in romantically or sexually. That's your business and the business of the person you are into. Second, your roommate is an alcoholic. They aren't to be trusted so it would be a good idea if you were careful around him. Third, get a different roommate or find some way in the future to not have to deal with the inconvenience that is living with humans. That's about all the advice I can give.

[Steeled]

In collage I had a roommate like that, all buddy buddy for the first few weeks and then turn out to be a dick. My roommate was an insufferable bossy homophobic prick. Unlike you however I was bigger and older. I took the highroad and ignored him completely, I did find out that gay sex can drown out dubstep though.

Regardless I'd tell you're RA, if the guy hits you you can always just get him thrown out. You don't need to be fearful of your roommate, the school wouldn't let him stay if he assaulted you it would be a PR nightmare.

[martinuzz]

Regardless I'd tell you're RA, if the guy hits you you can always just get him thrown out. You don't need to be fearful of your roommate, the school wouldn't let him stay if he assaulted you it would be a PR nightmare.

That is very dependant on which country the OP is from.
In Russia, it would be a PR nightmare for the school to have a bisexual person residing there.