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Author Topic: So a group is splintering apart  (Read 2255 times)

Phantom

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So a group is splintering apart
« on: November 04, 2013, 12:50:49 am »

The group I used to play tabletop games with, actually.
There's was a total of six people in it, not including myself, so I'll refer to them as A, B, C, D, E and F.
We were kinda around and playing games together for almost two years now, so I got some kind of attachment with them. But, nonetheless, there's always problems.
See, despite being around for that long, we actually got into plenty of arguments, but people insisted to me that it was all fine. Some things happen, Person F gets booted for a while, I was like the only person that kept contact with him for that time until he came back.
Overall, status quo remains until Person A threatens to leave unless I am removed from the group. I get removed, all goes fine for him, I still remain in contact with the others, despite all the shiftiness of how it was handled. But, it doesn't stay all too peaceful for too long.
Since I was keeping in contact with Persons B-F, Person A wasn't satisfied with them not cutting all contact with me. So, for himself, he decided to leave it forever and remove+block everyone skype and steam too.
I thought it was over then. Then Person B, someone who I considered to be a true friend, notices, and gets mad at me for not giving up on staying in contact with the group and causing A to leave, and has proceeded to refuse to talk to me wholesale, in which I oblige him and refuse to initiate contact with him either.
Person C insists I give it a chance still. D, E and F are neutral. Three outsiders insist that I should leave due to all the drama.
What should I do?
Addendum: This all stems from me being far too confrontational, which C and E think I have been managing to control much more easily, however, it is not the same view for the rest. I do admit to being a particularly abrasive person.
Spoiler: Person A Leaving (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Person B's reaction (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: November 04, 2013, 01:05:16 am by Phantom »
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ChairmanPoo

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2013, 11:19:20 am »

Without knowing the background I can't really ground myself on much, but on principle I'd refuse to make any concessions to people of A and B's dickishness, and would probably stay around out of spite.
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Eagleon

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2013, 11:47:35 am »

You've obviously pissed off a buttload of people you don't know (or they have, behind your back) for whatever reason. The key thing to remember in this type of situation is that the people you -do- know might not consider them 'outsiders'. Your best bet might be to leave and let things cool down for a bit. Nothing need be permanent. And if you really are being an abrasive confrontational ass:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Phantom

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2013, 07:00:05 pm »

And to further explain the reason for B's anger, it's because the work of 2 weeks had gone to waste. Well, for now. Person A came back after a day, D-F continue to be neutral.
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nenjin

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2013, 07:43:56 pm »

They sound like a bunch of lamers. Seriously. I've lost one childhood friend via stupid drama, but we still manage to talk to each other, even share a friendly conversation from time to time, despite all that went down between us. That's called being adults. Your friends sound like teenage drama queens.

Not knowing what you did to A, it's hard to say whether his reaction is justified. But if the neutrals think that A is overreacting, and B is overreacting by extension, then I'd consider them the most rational touch point of the group. (C and E, who seem to not have taken sides or ended up on A's shit list.)

Case in point. B is just angry, and tells you to go fuck yourself. It doesn't matter how rational they seem otherwise, that's dick behavior that's solely focused on his loss, his boo-hoo. Do you really care to associate with people like that in your life? I think you can do better. Group meltdown is never, ever a pleasant experience, even from the sidelines. But it seems like your lynch pins, for lack of a better term, were kind of clique-y douches. That makes the consequences seemingly inevitable, in my mind. If they didn't flip at you for this one thing you did, it would have been another. Or it would have been someone else.

So personally, I'd move on, and file this away in your life experiences on group dynamics. Check back through what you did so you learn something about yourself instead of completely writing it off as someone else's failing. Stay in touch with the people that were cool throughout this little ordeal. The thing with empathetic people, or at least people who always want to try to make a situation right, is they often fail to pick up on the cues that they should walk away. It seems this is well beyond that point. When people are getting crazy/irrational-angry, there is no benefit to hanging around.

And FWIW, even adults act this way sometimes. For example, I've been playing the middleman between two 30-somethings, both friends, who have developed a one-sided dislike of the other over something as trivial as LoL (really the root cause is they're both know-it-alls and one of them happens to be a very vocal know-it-all. A recipe for disaster when it comes to LoL.) A case of "I refuse to play with this guy, or even acknowledge his presence in person." Some people just take a very hardline stance over the most trivial things, and there's little you can or should do about it. (The phrase "removing x from my life" is typically reserved for drug addicts, physically abusive relationships, exploitative and destructive relationships and the like.) Most people simply don't talk to the people they don't like anymore. People that go far so far as to make public declarations of severing ties are, IMO, likely control freaks or drama queens or both.
« Last Edit: November 04, 2013, 07:56:32 pm by nenjin »
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Phantom

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2013, 12:58:52 am »

I decided for the betterment of all involved that I am to leave. It was the advice given to me, and with the signs of A, and talks with all the others, nothing was to be gained by staying anyway. A still would have been furious if I had been in a game, associating with the others, even on a day where he was not involved. The others assured me that nothing can be done to make A resolve things. I believe that now.

On the plea of, 'this shit is whack, I ain't seeing clearly, and neither are any of you', I departed.
There begs the problem of a Line Regiment I'm in with B, C and F, but it should be easier to participate and ignore them than it is to have the chance to talk to them at any other time.

Spoiler: To detail my crimes (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: My slights (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: November 06, 2013, 01:45:46 am by Phantom »
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acetech09

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2013, 12:35:34 pm »

At work, can't read it all. But it seems like you were posting about how to prevent/deal with a group splintering apart. But the group seems pretty (no offense) lame and full of stupid dynamics and tensions. If I was involved with something like that, I'd not worry about trying to keep it together, leave, and let them deal with it.

P.S. You really, really, really, really, seem to be overthinking this. Don't always try to rationalize everything in detail.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2013, 12:37:12 pm by acetech09 »
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nenjin

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2013, 02:58:44 pm »

A sounds like a charismatic asshole. There are those that draw people to them by dint of their personality, and their faults get excused because they're the glue that brings people together. When a "friend" won't back off after a sincere request, they're not really a friend. And people that won't rightly call them on their BS because they're afraid of being on the "out" aren't really friends either. They just happen to be the nicest of a bunch of groupies.

So yeah, you're doing the right thing. And maybe, just maybe, evidence that you don't worship this person might cause other people to rethink why they overlook their faults. Either way, move on.
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Cautivo del Milagro seamos, Penitente.
Quote from: Viktor Frankl
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Quote from: Sindain
Its kinda silly to complain that a friendly NPC isn't a well designed boss fight.
Quote from: Eric Blank
How will I cheese now assholes?
Quote from: MrRoboto75
Always spaghetti, never forghetti

Phantom

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Re: So a group is splintering apart II: Electric Boogaloo
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2014, 02:01:34 am »

Hi, here I am again. I managed to get away from the group, on less than peaceful terms than I hoped.

But here I am, I'm actually satisfied with my life from here on out. Except for one tiny thing.

I participate in a line battle group for Mount and Blade: Warband. Just a group of friends playing together and such, and one thing comes. I still have the rules for a homebrew section of an RPG that Person B worked on. I notify Person B that I still have them. I'm no plagiarist. And I'm no thief.

And now they're trying to kick me out of a the group, three to one. At least, among me and their group. I actually have people to stand up for me now. A good five, at least, but there's far more than that in the group. What the hell do I do from here?
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Yoink

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2014, 11:53:55 am »

That does seem pretty damn ridiculous.
Your friends want to ostracize you because you still possess a set of RPG rules from some previous group? ??? Or am I missing something here?
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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2014, 05:05:27 pm »

(removed unrelated nonsense, one mute, one warning)
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nenjin

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Re: So a group is splintering apart II: Electric Boogaloo
« Reply #11 on: January 28, 2014, 05:35:50 pm »

Hi, here I am again. I managed to get away from the group, on less than peaceful terms than I hoped.

But here I am, I'm actually satisfied with my life from here on out. Except for one tiny thing.

I participate in a line battle group for Mount and Blade: Warband. Just a group of friends playing together and such, and one thing comes. I still have the rules for a homebrew section of an RPG that Person B worked on. I notify Person B that I still have them. I'm no plagiarist. And I'm no thief.

And now they're trying to kick me out of a the group, three to one. At least, among me and their group. I actually have people to stand up for me now. A good five, at least, but there's far more than that in the group. What the hell do I do from here?

Let them make asses out of themselves, and others do the fighting for you. You should endeavor to rise above the drama and show you're a more mature person. Answer questions and explain the situation if people ask, otherwise, just don't acknowledge it.
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Cautivo del Milagro seamos, Penitente.
Quote from: Viktor Frankl
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
Quote from: Sindain
Its kinda silly to complain that a friendly NPC isn't a well designed boss fight.
Quote from: Eric Blank
How will I cheese now assholes?
Quote from: MrRoboto75
Always spaghetti, never forghetti

LeoLeonardoIII

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #12 on: January 30, 2014, 08:04:28 pm »

Is anyone else wondering why A cares whether Phantom is still friends with his friends? If A never interacts with Phantom, why should he care? What do you think, Phantom?
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Phantom

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2014, 02:43:16 am »

Honestly? I think it was because he was a control freak. He didn't seem to like anything not going his way and pretty much was only pleased by the fence sitters and sycophants. I'm kinda happy that I got away from them, and I'm perfectly content of letting them make themselves look like asses. I wish I could forgive them, but now I realize both of our faults. It wasn't worth it.
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QuakeIV

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Re: So a group is splintering apart
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2014, 04:52:08 pm »

Read this.  Yeah fuck those guys.  A was a real shitface, B was a shitface as a direct result of apparently seeing something good in A, and everyone else was too tolerant of the whole situation.
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