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[Akura]

I've mentioned this a few times in General Discussion, but... I'm in love. I have a serious crush on this girl at the college where I work. The main problem I'm having is contacting her. A while ago, I would often see her during my lunch break, but now, I never do. The last time I saw her was in passing, although then I saw her giving me a very big smile as she walked by. Admittedly, I know little enough about her, and she knows just as much about me.

The only way I seem to have contact with her is through some mutual friends. What I want to know is how I'm going to deal with this. I've considered writing a letter, but I don't know how well something like that would be received.

[weenog]

It'd probably help if you understood and admitted that this isn't love.  At best, you're infatuated with her, and even that is suspect if you know so little about her.  It's likely more accurate to say, you're infatuated with a false idea of her, that you've created by filling in the blanks of the unknown with your imagination.

So the real question here is, do you want to grow this situation into a loving relationship, leave it as it is and not worry so much because it's nothing serious yet, or make a mountain out of a molehill and tear your hair out over it?

[Darkmere]

You have mutual friends, ask them if she's seeing someone first. Then ask where she works and stop by if you can, to make small talk, ask if she wants to get dinner after her shift or something. Obsessing won't accomplish anything, try to get to know her and see if she's the person you imagine (she's not, but might be someone similar). Avoid using someone else as a go-between, though. And don't write letters or distance yourself for emotional safety, just go for it. Worst that can happen is you do nothing and continue to wonder.

[LordBucket]

I'm in love

I know little enough about her

Not sure how to reconcile these two statements.

What I want to know is how I'm going to deal with this.

Talk to her.

I don't know how well something like that would be received.

Maybe not, but you can be reasonably certain that NOT talking to her will fail to result in you becoming involved with her. So...talk to her.

I saw her giving me a very big smile

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl, who grew up in a society where it was expected that she be feminine, and let guys approach her. There was a boy she liked, but she'd spent an entire lifetime being told not to talk to strangers, not to go out alone after dark, and to stand around and wait for boys to ask her to dances and that it was improper for her to be the one to approach boys.

But she liked this one particular boy. So, she smiled at him in an attempt to get his attention and clearly communicate that she definitely had noticed him, and that she'd be receptive to him approaching her.

Unfortunately, the boy was too concerned about how she might react if he approached her, so he sat around and stressed about it, asked a bunch of people online who all said to talk to her. But he never overcame his fear, so he grew up to be lonely, alone and miserable, all while watching from the shadows, running and hiding every time a girl smiled at him, complaining constantly about how girls like guys who treat them badly, and how well he'd treat them if only they'd give him the chance. She grew up also lonely and alone until one day one of those "bad guys" actually had the balls to talk to her. Relieved to FINALLY have somebody approach her, she became his girlfriend, promptly got pregnant, then was abandoned. Overcome with grief, she gave her child up for adoption and threw herself off a bridge where she landed on a bunch of jagged rocks, shattering her legs and slowly died an agonizing death over several days, all while wishing that one boy she'd smiled at had simply spoken up.

The end.

Or you could just, you know, say hello next time you see her.

[Tiruin]

...I think that story went to extremes o_O

But you got the point/s:
> Fear.
> Assumptions on the other gender.

I mean, it's not like 'different gender' = totally whole different mindset that's totally alien to you. What influenced you in the past helps build the personality you have now and such and stuff.

What you should do: Act.

I've mentioned this a few times in General Discussion, but... I'm in love. I have a serious crush on this girl at the college where I work. The main problem I'm having is contacting her. A while ago, I would often see her during my lunch break, but now, I never do. The last time I saw her was in passing, although then I saw her giving me a very big smile as she walked by. Admittedly, I know little enough about her, and she knows just as much about me.

The only way I seem to have contact with her is through some mutual friends. What I want to know is how I'm going to deal with this. I've considered writing a letter, but I don't know how well something like that would be received.

Talk to her. I cannot restate this enough, but perhaps restate it clearer.

Approach her. Directly. If you want, keep that friendship and first be sure on...those parts where you're unsure on. I'm unsure if you're in a friendship though given the context but I guess you are..and that when you say 'little enough' you mean something very broad and subjective and vice versa.

Deal with it, directly. Drop assumptions. What you assume, probably talk it over with someone who can rationalize it for you if you can't quite see it.

Oh the drama of love~  You can do this Akura.

[Shadowgandor]

If you have mutual friends, go hang out with a group. Most of the relationships I've started were by meeting girls in a group. You can get her number and get personal afterwards.

[Vector]

. . . That is a pretty dramatic story there, LordBucket.

I wouldn't write a hardcore love letter, I'd just ask your mutual friends to invite her to an event you're going to be going to.  Don't Talk the Talk there, just get to know her a little better, say you had a really good time talking to her if you did, maybe ask her if she'd like to go to a cafe sometime.  That's clear enough.  Priority One is getting to know each other better, not Locking in Her Route or whatever everyone seems to think they're doing nowadays.

[DJ]

A letter is over the top. Anyway, getting in contact in this day and age should be trivial, just find her on Facebook and send her a friend request. If she accepts simply ask her if she'd like to have coffee with you sometimes.

[Vector]

Ah, the reason why I suggest the event is because then there's natural and non-offensive escape routes for everyone involved, which should relieve some of the pressure (whether things go well or poorly).  It's like. . . it's an easily-reversible decision, and I personally get embarrassed by friending people online and then having things not work out.

Uh, YMMV, though.  I realize not everyone is so self-conscious.

[Max White]

Yea I used to think non-threatening, easily reversible, totally emotionless and not exactly human was the way to go too.
And then I realized that not everybody, much unlike myself, was a socially awkward nerd who didn't have the emotional capacity to be open about their feelings. People sometimes fall for other people, and most people have the capacity to deal with that in a healthy way. Give the girl a little credit. Don't try this 'Oh well, look, we just happen to be going to the same event! How strange! Hoo hoo hoo!' bullshit, it isn't honest.

You tell her how you feel because you know what the worst that can happen is? She rejects you. She turns you down and you get to feel like absolute shit for a week or two, and that is great! That is exactly what you need to help you let go. If you don't get that dose of self loathing your mind just never ticks over and looks for somebody else to fall for. You will be stuck in a dead end non-relationship forever. On the other hand, if she gives you a chance things might work out great!

There is an order to these things, heck I could draw you a flow chart, but if you don't buck up and actually assume this girl has the intelligence and self respect to deal with your emotions in a productive way you never get past the first step.

[Vector]

You have a point.... I'll try to articulate my point of view a little better.

I don't mean "we happen to be going to the same event hoo hoo hoo," I just mean engineer an opportunity to introduce yourself which will be more of a natural social situation than two strangers in a coffee shop.  He doesn't know her, as he said.  You seriously have a point, but--you don't know someone, and you write them a feelings letter, or make some sort of declaration?  That doesn't make sense, though we often think it does.  I support his writing a feelings letter once, you know, they've spoken to each other, and he's got a better idea of what those feelings are.  I won't respect or take someone seriously who doesn't know me a whit and yet is talking about "how he feels about me."  That is an automatic no.

On the other hand: I realize that many people do not feel as I do--that they won't go on a date with someone they haven't already met.  Max White, you're probably right for the typical situation.

[kaijyuu]

"Hey, I like you. Wanna go out?"


If she doesn't know you exist yet, you might want to preface it with a little bit of conversation, but other than that, just be forward (and accept rejection gracefully if applicable).

[acetech09]

My suggestion: get to know her first, at least a somewhat. Rushing won't help much.

[Zazmio]

Asking girls out is so easy these days.
Assuming you are at least sort of acquainted, just non-chalantly ask for her cell phone number.  Just whip out your phone and go, "hey, what's your cell phone number?"  It's that easy.  Then immediately text something, doesn't really matter what.  Chat with her through texts.  You'll be surprise how quickly she'll start sending you naked selfies.

[Max White]

You'll be surprise how quickly she'll start sending you naked selfies.

#gentleman