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[Cmega3]

snip

[webadict]

Alright. I'm not sure what I can help you with, but I'm going to list what I seems off to me.

Why is his past self apologizing for the weapons? This implies several things that don't make sense: 1) The protagonist doesn't like the weapons, which counters him using them to rid the city of corruption; 2) The protagonist has foreseen his own amnesia, which is illogical; and 3) The protagonist is emotionless. Now, 1 and 3 aren't necessarily flaws, since they can be justified from the head trauma, but then what caused his head trauma? Do we, the readers, ever find out, or will it remain a mystery?

Why is he the hero? If his purpose is simply to clean up crime, then are we supposed to find ourselves rooting for him? Or is his efforts to clean up the city causing more harm and fear than good? I mean, he finds a convenient stash of weapons and decides to do good with them. It's a logical choice. Some might refuse. But why does he hate corruption? Everyone has a reason to fight crime, from vengeance to money to fame to because they felt like it one day. Does the corruption stop him from his goals? Is the corruption a stain on humanity? There is always a reason behind actions, and the reasoning is what connects or disconnects us from characters.

Basically, what am I supposed to feel while reading it? Right now, it feels like Batman went and actually started killing people. And that, quite frankly, would be a terrifying thought. How does he know these people are criminals? Did he watch the crime? Did they kill someone in front of the protagonist? If they did, could he have prevented it, or is he only out to find and kill criminals? If they didn't, who's saying they committed any crime? Think of how simple it would be to send a vigilante to kill an innocent person. And an emotionless one at that.

And that's all I can think of for now. I don't mean to confuse or badger you about any points at all, but what you should be asking yourself is why would this happen? The answer only has to make sense in the story. Like, why did he get a concussion? Why does he have these weapons? Your characters don't necessarily have to know why, but if you do, you can justify your characters' actions better.

And so ends my ranting. Sorry that it's fairly unorganized.

[webadict]

#1
His past self appologizes form the trauma, not the weapons. He actually caused the amnesia with a special drug (reader will find out), and then had someone hit him to justify it as a "concussion" (a person randomly forgeting everything would be kind of odd unless he suffered brain damage) this had the side effect of the no-emotions thing.

#2
This city has been like this for years, and it's locked away from the world (e.g. no one in the rest of the world knows much about it, it's in a very, very inhospitable region.). People inside are being mass murdered and forced to live in certain ways. The pasts self did it because he knew he coulddn't get himself to do it, but knew that somebody with no past could. He left a list of the worst people and reasons why, and at first the hero is reluctant, but then he sees the cruelty in the place and realizes what needs to be done.

#3
He does know fairly well who's doing what, as he begins getting connections to the 'underworld' of the city, pretending to be one of them, and he starts planning, finding their schedules, looking at their activities, getting personnal files, so as to minimize damage to innocents.


Thanks for the help, you actually made me consider things I didn't think about.

I suppose that's the point, so I'm going to counterpoint some more.

1) So, then he does know he was going to have amnesia. It does explain almost everything except the weapons, which his past self either planned for with the drug, or the drug itself is an entirely different reason. But, why did he bother to give himself amnesia at all? I mean, what about no past makes him want to do it? His past still exists. He just doesn't remember it. And I guess if I were an emotionless amnesiac, my first question would probably be like, why did I remove my own memory? Because if I were to remove my past and everyone I knew or cared about in an effort to get me to fight crime, I probably wouldn't do it. Plus, by removing my memories, it seems like I'm trying to lie to myself. Like, how can I trust myself if I removed my old memories?

2) Alright, so his whole world is probably awful. Makes sense why he'd want someone to stop it. But, how do you survive in a city full of crime without resorting to crime anyhow? This last question is sort of a big question because when people resort to crime, then there are many things that cycle it. Peer pressure. Money. Drugs. Fear. Protection. The list can go on and on. But, most crime is small. Theft, Mugging, Assault, Battery, Drugs. What's the reason to murder someone? Typically, it's personal gain or safety. Sometimes, it's acceptance or fear. Very rarely is it because of nothing. Murderers don't tend to live long in lawless areas, unless they're the ones protecting people. Or liked by the one doing the protection. Is the corruption police? Gang leaders? Who is it, why are they corrupt, and how have they managed to avoid being killed by their enemies? The worst people are probably going to be the ones that other criminals have tried to kill as well, so the protagonist has to be a little crazy to try and stop them.

3) Another issue. When you start getting connection to the underworld, people start to learn about you. They know about the people you hang out with. So if those people start disappearing or turning up dead, people start knowing that you're trouble. They stop associating with you. They might even try killing you. This method can only work for a limited time, unless you know everything you need to know first, or you are incredibly smart and careful about it.