Overture - Personal thoughts of Sir Ancistrus, 9th Granite, year 31I woke up with the worst hangover today. Bright yet cold sun scorched my retinas but after a while my sight adjusted, only to see a most horrible scenery - neverending whiteness in every direction. The hell did I do last night? Or the night before that? Why am I lying on the top of a hill with lots of crap lying around?....Wait, who am I?
Suddenly a pair of dwarves showed up.
?:Hey, sir, you were still asleep when we arrived, so we started without you!
?:Started with what?
?:With building the fortress of course!
Oh god, oh god, oh god. It seems I signed up for one of those classic suicide expeditions.
?:Where are we?
?:This place has no name yet, sir. We are waiting for you to pick one.
So I am the overseer. This is getting better.
?:Can you tell me what my name is?
?:Why, your name is Ancistrus. You mean you can't remember?
Ancistrus:Actually, I can not. I seem to have forgotten all about my past life, I can't even remember how old I am!
?:Oh, sir none of us can remember that. You see, the dwarven history started 31 years ago with the Great Hangover. We all woke up in the mountainhome and none of us could remember anything that had happenned before. We found a guy sleeping on a golden throne so we assumed he was the king. Another guy was found passed out next to a goblin corpse so we made him a general.
Ancistrus:Was I there back then?
?:I assume you were, sir.
Ancistrus:What do you mean you assume?
?:I can't actually remember that. You see, 3 months ago I woke up with this horrible hangover, and I couldn't remember anything about myself or anything else. Rith, here, then told me everything I needed to know about our past.
Ancistrus:So Rith, can you tell me how we were sent to this place?
Rith:Oh no, sir. You see, 4 months ago I woke up with this terrible hangover...
Ancistrus:Dammit! Allright who told you about our history?
Rith:Olon did. But Olon got it from Iton, who was told everything by Aban.
Ancistrus:Good. I take it that this Aban knows everything?
Rith:No...he too was told the story after a very long party.
Ancistrus:Who told him?
Rith:You did, sir.
Fantastic.
Ancistrus:Listen everyone, we really have to stop drinking alcohol. From now on, it will be just water!
Rith:There is no fresh water.
This is going to suck.
Journal of Sir Ancistrus Mid springA diary seems like a good idea with the way I keep forgetting everything...so here I go. I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. Heh, talking to a diary. Heh. Anyway...
I ordered 20 bedrooms to be carved out. While carving, the miners stroke microcline. Again. The area seems to be truly blessed with it. Microcline doors and microcline cabinets for your microcline rooms are coming, dwarves! Maybe I will encrust your beds with microcline when I have more time.
In other news, our farmer, Olon, told me there is a dead, deceased ibex corpse somewhere in the area, but she has no idea where. I will make sure to be cautious around her. The farmer, I mean.
Late springThere is some grass under the snow, but animals can't seem to notice it, so they are starving. I ordered a slaughterhouse to be built, first by the crazy farmer, Olon, later by
ANYONE, but the dwarves are busy with synchronized drinking, sleeping, eating and wanking, presumably. Everything and everyone is really slow here. Maybe a result of low temperature?
I ordered the miners to just dig down and down, until they find something, anything interesting.
Orthoclase, sphalerite and galena so far.
Asshole farmer still
hasn't slaughtered those animals, even though she has
no other job. I hope that some other, less retarded dwarves will come soon.
Pictured: Future crossroads of underground tunnels. Not pictured: Any goddamn work being done. Guess why.
INTERLUDETwo dwarves are sitting in a horribly, sickeningly blue room. One is frustrated, the other is an imbecile.
-No, Sir, I am afraid you can't name this fortress Ancistrusville.
-Fine! I said I would be perfectly happy with Ancistruspolis.
-No, not that either. That sort of egomania is not approved of.
-Fine...look, there is a volcano and a lot of snow. I suppose we could honor the old dwarven legends and call this site Kriegspire?
-No Sir. Krieg is not in the list of approved words.
-A list of... You are kidding right? Let me see that.
....
-Allright I have made a decision.
-You didn't pick some ridiculous name just to punish me for doing my job? Did you, Sir?
-Oh please. I would never make such an important historical decision just to annoy someone.
And so was estabilished the Fortress of Gooooze.
Early summerI was hoping to have farms operating by now. But despite my dwarves' assurance that this whole area is one big aquifer, I have yet to see any underground water. I ordered some random holes dug, hoping to speed up the search. There is some soil, but it is quite far above our main living area. And since our famer is a complete moron with the attention span of a dead monarch butterfly, i want those farms to be as close as possible.
We haven't found any caverns either and we ran out of wood.
Late summer8 more dwarves just came and none of them are children. They are however, still idiots. We live in a tundra. Why on this god forsaken earth would a beekeeper, a herbalist, or a woodcutter come here? I was hoping for some miners, but no.
Surprisingly, one of the immigrants actually remembers how she got here. Apparently, dwarven society is in a great trouble and citizens are slowly being evacuated into last 7 remaining colonies, ruled by the last 7 dwarven lords. When I asked her why she chose my fortress in particular, she mumbled something about a "short straw", then broke into tears. I think she likes me.
Also, I am building the farms right now, lest we all die of thirst in a few months. I am surprised that all dwarves are still alive, seeing how incredibly lazy and inefficient they are.
Early autumnWe found a cavern. There is nothing of value in it, but I am going to have some cage traps placed there, just in case some interesting fauna wanders by.
Mid autumnWe found another, better cavern that actually has trees and stuff.
Even though our two mechanics have had a f**king ETERNITY to install a cage trap in a narrow corridor connecting our halls with the caverns, they failed to do it, because they are stupid and they suck and now there is a LARGE RAT roaming our halls.
I didn't really expect the dimwitted dwarves to do anything about the rat. But the fact that the war dog just apathetically stared as the rat ran around him truly scared me. Apparently, the suicidal lethargy that the dwarves exhibit is contagious, even to animals.
Luckily the rat seems to be infected too. Having explored most of our fortress, it decided to settle down near the food stockpile, ignoring everyone, only grabbing a biscuit occassionally.
I am actually becoming quite lethargic myself. It seems there is nothing in this world that would convince our masons to build a wall to block the way to the caverns; instead they just make up the most ridiculous of excuses. Likewise, there is nothing I can do to persuade our mechanics to install that f**king cage trap. Other dwarves don't seem to be doing
ANYTHING, too.
I really need to get out of this place.Meanwhile, the large rat has reached the same conclusion. In a desperate attempt to save its sanity, it ran towards the exit. It ran right trough a stone trap, unfortunately. Now it is slowly crawling away from this accursed place. I hope it makes it.
Two immigrants came today. Yes, just two. Although, one of them is a weaponsmith, who is just a couple of blades short of greatness. I mean, he is even better than a professional weaponsmith. I mean, he has
ACCOMPLISHED much in the field of smithing weapons. Get it?
Which is good for him, but the best he can do in here is making some copper spiked balls.
Late autumnOh great news! We finally found that dead ibex corpse. Now that I know where it is, I will sleep much easier.
Also, the crippled rat has escaped with 16 tallow biscuits. Whatever. He deserved them more than any dwarf in this monument to laziness. I hope he has a good life and many children.
Early winterA troglodyte had been caught by a cage trap in the depths. I checked whether there were any other troglodytae nearby, and when I didn't find any, I authorized reloading the trap. By the time mechanic got there, another troglodyte actually did show up and now he is chasing the mechanic through the caverns. I am not sure if I care at all.
The troglodytae are camping near our exit to the caverns, so I discontinued the cage trap program for now. I instead chose to have a door installed. The previously mentioned weaponsmith brought the door to the spot, installed it, and
promptly fell asleep, leaving the door open. This time a GIANT RAT seized the opportunity and infiltrated the fortress. I have no words to describe this level of stupidity. The rat soon attacked the idiot and sent him running towards the troglodytes. Now he is being chased. Occassionally he falls asleep only to be woken by scratches and punches.
.....
But now he got caught in a hidden web? The possibility of having a giant cave spider somewhere underground scares me quite a bit. Also, the woodcutter reports that he hacked some gremlin to pieces in our tunnels.
This is quickly getting out of hand - I am going to seal the exits to the underworld.
The weaponsmith is dead now, his brain splattered on the cave floor. Yeah that tends to happen when you decide to take a nap while a vicious troglodyte is chasing you, dumbass. On a more positive note, we captured the GIANT RAT. I am puting it on display in the middle of our newly carved meeting hall.
All hail, the most intelligent being in this fortress!
Late winterHaven't done much recently. I am firmly decided to escape this place. Celebration of the new year should be a perfect opportunity. Not that anyone would actually try to stop me - I just don't want to look them in the eyes as I leave. I am not good at saying goodbyes. Especially to dwarves I hate and wish they all died, because they are idiots and they suck and I hate them. My last act here was personally placing a memorial to the dead weaponsmith just outside our gates.
I added a small inscription, that reads: You must be at least this smart to enter. While I have no love for this place, introducing someone even
dumber than that insane weaponsmith to this place could potentially cause the end of the world as we know it.
On the last day of Obsidian, I packed some yak biscuits, a bottle of wine, some chunks of priceless aluminum and slowly sneaked through the hallways. The celebrations turned my dwarves into
even bigger morons, astonishing as it is.
Two dwarves were spilling expensive alcohol on the floor, laughing, then banging their heads against a wall, then laughing some more.
In the kitchen, the cook watched with blank expression as the plump helmet on a frying pan became darker and darker and eventually burst into flames.
In the meeting hall I saw a dwarf violently arguing with a statue.
As I finally made it outside, I turned around and gave the last look to the entrance to my ex-fortress. A few meters above the entrance, on the side of the mountain, stood Olon, the mad farmer. She looked at me, insane smile on her lips, madness in her crossed eyes. She made a weird noise and started drooling rapidly.
The spit came down, missing me by inches and I took off.
Allright, thats all. It may have sounded exaggerated, but those dwarves really were unbelievable. I have been playing Dwarf Fortress for 4 years and I have never seen a bunch of dwarves lazier and stupider than these.
Since this is my first attempt at playing the newest version of Dwarf Fortress, I speculate that dwarves were nerfed somehow. And just to be perfectly clear, this goes far beyond their inability to efficiently transfer heavy rocks. It seemed to me that the duration, or perhaps frequency of Eat/Drink/Sleep jobs has tripled.
Eagerly awaiting other reports and my next assignment.
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Topic: Volcanic Musical Chairs (Now accepting Alternates) (Read 14726 times)