The reply
I sit in bed now, unable to sleep from anxiety about nothing and everything. In six and one half hours, I will need to wa ke up so I can go to work at my main job. I will sit on the computer fixing printer problems, word document formatting and responding to emails for two hours. I will then sit at work for two more hours trying to be useful because other wise my boss grows frustrated and his blood pressure rises and the whole building fills with venom. After that I will go home and complete two homework assignments online. I will go to class after that, do more homework after that, and finally, with a little free time, remember that I need to work on my marketing internship. Then it will be time for bed. Repeat.
My friends will ask me why I do nothing with them. When I get a little free time, I will remember this and play video games with them for a total of about an hour a week. My mom will say I have not exercised. My grandmother will drop by and tell me that I am lazy and spend all day playing video games on the computer and not working.
Two friends that live nearby will ask when I am coming to set up their audio system. Another will say they never see me any more. I forgot to call back about that computer I was fixing. My college didn't email that transcript and says they didn't get my signature. I didn't meet expectations. I didn't meet expectations. I didnt meet expectations. I didn't meet expectatoons. I didn't update my forum game. I didn't spend quality time with my brother. I didn't meet expectations.
It has a dulling effect. Let me explain.
On the interstate I go too slow. I go the speed limit. Everyone passes me. Someone recently passed to the other lane as I was going 2 over with cruise control. He flipped me the bird as he drove beside me and mouthed off some things. They were not audible. A year ago that would have made me insecure or angry or scared. Instead, I smiled. I smiled and waved. This happened recently with someone blocking me on the highway after tailgating didn't work. Again, I just smiled and waved.
Why did I smile and wave? Because both those people had the look. Their girlfriend needs rent money. They didn't complete the PowerPoint. They didn't go into the right industry for work. They owed student loans. They weren't meeting expectations. They weren't meeting expectations.
They weren't meeting expectations and no one had thanked them today. Told them they were loved. No one had smiled and waved at them, so when I did, they gave the most broken, confused, pull over I am going to cry look from across lanes on the highway or wherever.
It was just split seconds. Maybe it didn't even happen, but I saw myself in two, four, eight years. I will never meet expectations. EVER. They will only get worse.
I think something a lot of people here misunderstand is that other peoples expectations do not affect me much. It is my own inflated expectations that are so poisonous. The problem is that no one lives in a vacuum. I soak up expectations by watchinfg the suffering of others. Hundreds of friends and family and other people i knowlost their jobs because they couldn'nt meet outrageous expectations and someone elsewhere worked better and cheaper or the store closed or they didn't go to college. You think these people were happy they didn't have to meet expectations as much? Fuck you. They went on antidepressants or welfare or disability or started watching jerry springer. Then more things came. A friend needed money. Their kid wanted to go to college. Expectations never stop coming.
We live in an age of unprecedented speed and access and our brains are not able to handle it. I will not be humble here: I'm a smart kid. I'm smart enough to fully comprehend my responsibilities and guide myself to success. That is why I am sick. That is why many smart people are sick: because they were built to succeed and plan ahead in a world that would otherwise suck them dry.
Responses. Not by user.
The profit motive bullshit test is awesome. On top of other replies I now realize that many expectations are completely in self interest. Even more than they first appear
I cannot lie in bed for 15 minutes and "be." Or rather I can but it does not decrease stress or anxiety. Not even paired with meditation.
I cannot reply to everything. This has become a sounding board for people to express similar stories. That alone is more enlightening and helpful than you'd think.
The people who asked about helping people and the problem with that:
Good.
Freaking.
Question.
If success vs happiness have ever been more at odds... the truth is, there is nothing that makes me happier than helping people. Literally nothing. that does not mean customer service. I mean one on one, head-in-lap life story liquidation. I mean the smile on someone's face when its going to be alright.
Fixing the computer and gaining money are uninteresting and irrelevant. It's the smile on their face at the end that I really want. The feeling that someone has been made happier in some way is the most beautiful thing in the world.
So is the IT industry the wrong path? I can't derive enjoyment from programming or solving logic problems like many of you can. If I continue down this path I will continue to sit at a computer all day doing soulless things and having money but no free time. Hell, I don't want to do that!
I ONLY GET ONE LIFE as tomcost kinda said. I don't want to do this! I don't want to spend the rest of my life so exhausted and successful that I don't have the energy to be a strong shoulder or arm when someone needs it! Fuck that. A skill is worth less if you hate it. I want to help people and help with their problems in any way possible and not in some soulless machine and stillsomehow survive doing so.
Thank you for helping tgat realization.
Author
Topic: The pressure to improve is making me john the caveman. (Read 6205 times)