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[timotheus]

Hi everybody! Haven't been here in a while, but I have a good excuse(s)... namely new job, a move, and new daughter. (for picture proof of daughter, who happens to be adorable: http://cloudcathedral.com/gallery/August-2013/IMG_20130808_145131 )

As I've been coming out of the baby haze over here, I've had something on my mind I wanted to share. Short version is, no matter what is going on in your life, try to take time for your friends. Otherwise, you will lose them.

A couple years ago, I was living with some friends. And these were good friends. Kindred spirits. The kind you stay up until 2am discussing the political system of the fantasy world you are collaborating on, because it's fun and awesome. The kind who are encouraging of whatever it is you're interested in at the time, and hop right in with you.

So, friend-wise things were very good. I wasn't much of a dating guy, tended to focus on work more. Then I met my future wife. It was game over for me from the start, she is amazing. All good things there.

The problem is, when I met her and we started dating, I really dropped my friendships. I went from spending time with them / talking for hrs a day to maybe once or twice a week. I was always out with my then GF, or at her house. Things moved fast, we got married just over a year after we met, and things are still going wonderful with us. However, with all the change, with the marriage, then job change, then move, then baby #1, then another move, then baby #2 and another move and job change, I stand here realizing what this void I've been feeling for the last 6+ months is.

My friendships are pretty much gone. Tried to reconnect, but it's just weird now. They all have moved on (totally normal), have their friend slots all full. Also, there is some resentment there from me disappearing for years; again totally understandable.

That leaves me with my wife and two children. Which makes me a very lucky person, I know. I have a great family. But I do miss the friendships. My wife is geeky, but our geek interests intersect in only a couple points. I miss writing collaborative fantasy/scifi/whatever fiction, designing worlds with people, chatting up the newest games we've tried, etc.

I realize this rambles somewhat, but I hope it helps others. If I had actually set aside time for my friends, even a little, during the busy times, it would have shown I cared. It is something I regret.

That said... anyone enjoy writing fiction? I'd love to start on a random writing project, and maybe forge some new friendships.

Take care everyone!

[MadMalkavian]

This is some pretty good advice. I think I might call up my friend this evening just to say hello. Thanks OP for giving me that idea.

[sjm9876]

Always good advice. On the note of the question *subtle plug*. Though I would have a look at least at any writing project that comes up.

[GlyphGryph]

Pffft. What are friendships for if not neglecting? Isn't that the entire point? You gotta get rid of the old ones to free up time for the new ones, right?

[nenjin]

I try and check up on my married friends once and a while. I know they're too busy with adult shit to remember half the time.

[timotheus]

Thanks for the replies, all.

@sjm9876 That is very cool, I will check it out and start submitting!

@GlyphGryph I can see your point. For me though, where I am in my life, making new friends isn't as easy as it used to be when I was younger. I telecommute every day. I try to meet people in coffee shops where I work sometimes, but mostly it's retired peoples. There is a cool space I've started going to that is a co-working / makerspace. http://hackerlab.org Hoping to meet people there. First time was pretty good.

A weird aspect of getting older is that people's friendships are getting more rigid. They have their allotment of friends, and aren't really looking for more. Sure, that isn't always true, but it seems to be the norm right now. I understand, they have limited time too, and why spend time on a new person when you have tried and true friends of x years?

@nenjin If they don't mention it verbally, I'm sure they appreciate that very much. Good job sir.

[Mullet Master]

This post has really struck a nerve with me. The OP has good intentions, but I've heard some variation on this advice for a long time, and I don't think it's helpful at all. It's always the same.. "I have a great spouse but I've neglected my friends... don't do what I did." Married people will recognize this as generally good advice, and go back to ignoring their friends without any serious harm in their life. But the major demographics of this forum is not married people at all. There's a good chance that the majority of the people randomly stumbling across the advice are unmarried. And I worry that more than a few of them may use it as an excuse to forgo dating because they have good friends and don't want to lose them. Please don't do this. Here's why.

Imagine, you have the greatest friends in the world. You put all your time into your friends, and ignore dating. Life is wonderful for several years, and then...  one gets married. And then another, and then another. And you think, "Oh, well, there's plenty of single people I know that I could still date.. there's time left!"  But guess what, they will all be getting married, too.

About the time you reach 30, all your friends will be married and ignoring you, all your same-age dating prospects are married and ignoring you. And it will be incredibly hard to connect to others like yourself because hey... your social network is gone.

[Vector]

Or, you know, there's also those of us who do not want to get married and would also not like to be left completely alone.

[Xantalos]

Or, you know, there's also those of us who do not want to get married and would also not like to be left completely alone.

There is this.

[Shakerag]

Imagine, you have the greatest friends in the world. You put all your time into your friends, and ignore dating. Life is wonderful for several years, and then...  one gets married. And then another, and then another. And you think, "Oh, well, there's plenty of single people I know that I could still date.. there's time left!"  But guess what, they will all be getting married, too.

Clearly the answer is to just have one large polyamorous relationship with all of your great friends. 

[Yoink]

Gee, now I'm glad my RL friends have a fairly even gender ratio. (When I'm actually being a sociable person and keeping in touch, anyway.)

[timotheus]

This post has really struck a nerve with me. The OP has good intentions, but I've heard some variation on this advice for a long time, and I don't think it's helpful at all. It's always the same.. "I have a great spouse but I've neglected my friends... don't do what I did." Married people will recognize this as generally good advice, and go back to ignoring their friends without any serious harm in their life. But the major demographics of this forum is not married people at all. There's a good chance that the majority of the people randomly stumbling across the advice are unmarried. And I worry that more than a few of them may use it as an excuse to forgo dating because they have good friends and don't want to lose them. Please don't do this. Here's why.

Holy crap, I did not intend that to be the message. I appreciate you saying this; I can see how one could see that in what I wrote.

Definitely, I don't think dating or having a spouse means I had to give my friends up. I did that to myself because I was stupid. I don't really know how to navigate the waters of being 30+ with people getting married and whatnot. I'm trying. I consider myself a good friend when I had no family; transitioning is difficult. I don't have the time to friend a person without kids, since the availability and expectations are so varied. I think 2hrs once a week to hang out is luxurious (because it's all I have) and shows "you are the most important person to me other than my family!" but to people not in a similar situation I know that is pretty minimal.

Tried making friends with other parents, still working on that. Hard to find other Dads who are otaku/gamers/coders/nerds, at least for right now.

I'm rambling, I'll stop.

Or, you know, there's also those of us who do not want to get married and would also not like to be left completely alone.

Totally valid. I wish I knew anything to share to help achieve that goal. It definitely depends on how you see marriage. If you don't want to be left completely alone, I assume that means you want to have someone, be connected to someone. For me, that's what marriage is. I found someone, we both want to spend the rest of our lives as each others companion. IMO, it's not about gender stereotypes or weddings.

I'm sure I'm simplifying something from my vantage point that is much more complex than I understand. If so, apologies. :/

[Darkmere]

Well, coming from both sides of it...

If you're single and someone with you is not, there is some friction there. It is a little off-putting to see someone else with something you want (a relationship, if that applies), and that can lead to turning on that person from jealousy or the like. This can also apply to free time; if you have plenty and someone else doesn't, it isn't always easy to be understanding to other circumstances.

On the other hand, relationships take lots of work, marriages moreso. Suddenly having to balance two important sets of people can put a strain on leisure time, and the long-term one tends to take precedence just because of the informal nature of friendship.

I had to make a conscious effort to balance the two, but I was fortunate to have understanding friends and didn't feel the need to keep both aspects of my life separate all the time. My friends also did the same, mostly. Unfortunately, after a time all of my calls stopped getting returned and that was pretty much the end of it.

The point I want to make here is that you CAN have both, but it takes a bit of conscious effort. I have a few friends that will stop by with their spouses, and I have some single friends that can't be bothered to return an email. So it can go either way, it's just a matter of taking the time to initiate contact sometimes.

[Vector]

I don't feel that a friendship is a lack of being connected to someone.

[DangerDwarf]

Unfortunately no matter how you plan your life, things do not always happen the way you think it will. People get married thinking they're set for life, then something goes wrong in the marriage and next thing you know they are divorced, with or without kids. By this time they are probably way older than 30, maybe even 40 and now need to find someone new. Luckily many of these people do find someone new and are happy again. To avoid this scenario Id much rather be single until finding the right person.

Concerning friendships I find that it works to rather put in effort staying positive and be a generally enjoyable person to be around. People tend to like being around positive people and gets drawn towards them. That way it becomes much easier to make new friends rather than cling to the ones that have moved on. If you have to make an unreasonable amount of effort to stay friends, then it is hardly worth it imho.