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[MoonSheep]

Hi I'm sort of a stay at home and read books and play dwarf fortress kind of person and kept to myself during school. Now that I'm out for a few years I'm getting kind of lonely just reading books and forums. How do I meet people?

[Spaghetti7]

Do you have any other hobbies? Any sport you wanna play, or do you like the arts or anything? Joining a local club that's relevant to your hobbies would be a good first step, assuming you have the confidence to do so.

[LordSlowpoke]

To meet people, you need to be in places where people gather. A park or a cafe might be good ideas, though if you live somewhere for a while you certainly know where people are found. At least you get a general idea of it. This is the basic part, at least. To actually meet a person you need to find a pretext to talk to them, and this is where it gets hard and I can't really help you anymore.

[sjm9876]

Friends of friends is always a good shot. So is a coffee shop, if you have something else to do in one. Clubs also work out all right.
If it's making friends completely from scratch, I'm at a loss. I just got lucky and got thrown together with the other 'misfits' aka, the people who are kinda on the edge of the groups, and thus end up sharing a table.
 As LS says, a pretext to talk is hard, and so I say friends of friends. And hence why clubs are also good.

[DJ]

Go to the nearest gaming cafe and start playing DotA, you'll soon have a bunch of people yelling at you.

[Vector]

... Is that a Morgenstern reference I spy in your handle?

[Darkmere]

You already have one "marketable" interest: books. Hang out at your local bookstore on a regular basis, and talk to the more enthusiastic employees about what you like. You'll probably find someone that at least tangentially shares an interest. If there's a local pop culture convention, check that out. Coffee shops are good if you become a regular. In short, pick an interest and go where people who share that interest would go. If you don't have one, pick a new one and try something different; I got into kendo that way.

No matter what, though, the single most important things you can do are groom yourself (eh, not a personal dig since I don't know you, but it was a bad habit I've fallen into in the past. Neckbeards and what have you, eh?), look people in the eyes, and smile like you mean it. Being courteous and warmly polite will take you a long, long way, especially if you're talking to service workers.

[BoboJack]

I've met some new people with meetup.com, there are groups who make games together or teach each other new languages. If you live in a big city you could find some interesting groups there.

[Knight of Fools]

Meeting people is a result of going out, doing stuff, and being a decent person. It's not something you can force outside of kidnapping, which doesn't really work either.

My best piece of advice is that you're going to have to work on any relationship or friendship you develop, and you're going to have to step outside of your comfort zone and even be comfortable with prodding the edges of others' comfort zones. Don't push too far, of course. Learn peoples' boundaries. Know that friends are hard to make for us introverts and most people won't make any effort in a relationship unless they've known you for a while or really like you, and even then you'll usually have to be the one initiating hanging out or whatever because they'll be too worried about being rejected.

You, however, cannot be afraid of rejection. You must become Captain Learns-From-But-Doesn't-Get-Down-From-Rejection. A lot of dating advice applies here. People will say no. People will avoid you. People may even be rude to you. You can't let any of that keep you back - Just shrug and move on. If they're not cool enough to accept you and take some risks in talking with you or letting you into their lives, then they probably wouldn't be the kind of people you'd want to hang out anyways.

A big part of making friends is becoming a good friend. You need to working on developing your personality and lifestyle to be someone you would want to hang out with. That means hygiene, appearance, grooming, behavior, attitude, hobbies, stuff you know enough to talk about, developing fair opinions on a variety of subjects, and even your habits. If you don't like something you do (Smoking, complaining, picking your nose) chances are the people you want to hang out with won't either. If it's something you can't control (Such as how you laugh), make it a part of your personality and don't make a big deal about it. Chances are they won't if you don't, and if they can't accept what you can't change (Within reason) then they probably wouldn't be good friends anyways.

It'll be a long process and you'll probably have a hard time since meeting folks and making friends is a long process of chance and effort, but if it's something you want and you stick through it you'll become a better person and maybe come out on top with a few close friends. Just don't expect instant results - It's a process, but one that's well worth it.


I have a few ideas on the "going out and doing stuff" front, too.

Spoiler: Spoilered for Size (click to show/hide)

Gaming shops are a good place to start. If you're into D&D, Magic the Gathering, or any other social or competitive tabletop game there's plenty of lines out there to follow. Any gaming shop worth the name will have scheduled game nights and a board for people looking for D&D groups. You just have to push yourself out a little bit and get into contact with them. If your town lacks a gaming store, there's a lot of different places you can look for folks to game with, such as the Fear the Boot forums or Craigs List.

Bookstores and libraries are fun, too, just don't expect too many people to be comfortable with you going up to them and talking. Not a sure bet, but at least you'll fit right in while you're reading a book. Sometimes libraries have volunteer stuff you can do, such as book readings or fund raisers.

Speaking of volunteer stuff, animal shelters are another good place to find a lot of good people. You can usually volunteer at schools, too. A fringe benefit of volunteering is that you get something nice you can put on your resume.


If you're old enough to go to college it could be a good place to find friends. Just take classes you're interested in and hang out in the cafeteria, library, computer labs, or cool teachers' classrooms before, after, or between classes. If you're still in high school all these options are already open to you.

If you don't want to get involved in college there's usually a number of hobby classes you can take in most large towns, such as piano classes or guitar lessons. Only get into stuff you actually want to do, though.


Work is another great place to find good people, with the added benefit that they have no choice but to hang out with you and you're also earning money. Just don't slack off too much.


Lots of people have lots of opinions on organized religion and I don't feign to know yours, but I'll list church and religious classes for the sake of completeness and that ball's totally in your court. If you're religious at all it's an easy place to find like-minded people. Just don't go somewhere you don't agree with or don't want to go to, since you'll run into the opposite problem.


Finally, there's tons of clubs and organizations around the world. Find something you're interested in and see if there's a group that meets up to participate in that hobby. I'm thinking chess clubs, drama clubs, that sort of thing. If you live in the northwest US, I think Dwarf Fortress fans meet up every year or so.

Family is another connection you can use to make friends - Just don't expect to score too many dates at your next family reunion.

Failing all that you could always join a cult.

[DJ]

It's not something you can force outside of kidnapping, which doesn't really work either.

Stockholm Syndrome

[KingBacon]

Well Moonsheep, I know how you feel. Right now I just moved to Tucson for grad school and am desperately trying to meet people outside of my department (found out the cute girl I've been talking to and hung out with last week has a bf she never mentioned, but she invited me to go hiking with friends this weekend so it's cool.)

I lived back at home for a year in the middle of bodunk Ohio after being laid off. Volunteering was what got me out while doing contract work. I did the Obama campaign (only young people in the town) and local soup kitchen multiple times a week.

If you are looking for volunteer activities check out local catholic organizations (they always welcome man power) and the local United Way website.

Also, ask coworkers you chat with if they want to go see a film and try to organize an outing. Did that when working retail.

[MaximumZero]

Clubs (not nightclubs) are a wonderful way to meet people who share an interest with you. Join a dojo! Meet new people and punch them in the face!

[GlyphGryph]

I've met quite a few people through nightclubs! But that actually requires you have a legitimate interest in nightclubs (I absolutely love dancing) and enough commitment to it to become part of the "scene" and dear god I hope you have a love of drama because most of them are full of it. You can meet some good interesting people that way, but I wouldn't recommend it for a neophyte socializer - except maybe the techno clubs, where there's good guides online to the social rules and etiquette to get you started, and they are pretty welcoming across the board in my experience - go there, dance, watch people and learn to recognize them while people do the same to you, exchange some candy, and you're good to go.

Of course, for you, yeah, nightclubs are probably not the best idea.

Classes are also an amazing way to meet people if you make an effort, especially classes that require partners and are done with groups that interact - dance classes, martial arts classes, etc. Make sure to ask your co-students if anyone is going out to grab a bite to eat after the class, and invite them to come along with you if they aren't (have a place nearby to suggest!)/

[Inarius]

I suggest that you go to something you don't know at all, and with people that don't know you at all. Then, you can decide to try new things, try being completely different, without any limitation. Then, you will learn about yourself.
Mostly what is the "real" you, and what is the "social" you that you built year after year, because other people made you like this.


I was quite lonely, too. One day I decided to make something really different (improvised theatre). I decided to be an extroverted, "fun" and opened girl. I wanted to do everything, because these people didn't know "me". The real me. It's like using a nickname on a forum. You can be somebody else, and do whatever you want.

After a while, it was tiring, but I learnt things I wanted to have, and things i wanted to be. And I changed (a little) in my "real" life.
I don't say it's the "good" way, but it's a way to change to be more opened.

[MadMalkavian]

Some websites, forums and imageboards have sections where you can arrange a time and a place to meet up with people and perhaps hit it off with them. Outside of that I think bookstores and book clubs might be alright places to start at.

Since you seem like a quiet and introverted person you might want to avoid nightclubs as such places are mostly for the wild and extroverted. If I'm wrong though then give those places a shot.

Outside of that though your options are probably limited by the area you are in as well as by your interests. Build relationships based on those interests if you can. If you have relatives with common interests or if your relatives have friends with common interests form bonds with them.

Just keep in mind though that you've got to generally be cordial and willing to listen to other people in order to really bond with them. If you're the antisocial kind of introvert, which some are, you're going to have to do some real character building in order to make new friends.

You've got to make yourself presentable as well or otherwise people might be put off by your appearance or what have you. Bathing and grooming go a long way with this, as does maintaining friendly posture, gait, expression and demeanor.

Outside of that all I can really say is good luck with that whole making friends thing. Hope it works out for you.