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[Sappho]

I found out I have asperger syndrome 5 years ago and have been working on my social skills ever since. These days I do pretty well, but every now and then I encounter a situation which completely baffles me. I'm hoping some of you might be able to offer some insight.

1. I was invited to a party. It was a goodbye party for a guy I had only met a couple of times before, at other parties. These occasions were standard kinds of parties for me - everyone shows up wearing whatever, jeans and a t-shirt kind of dress code, gets crazy drunk (and otherwise intoxicated) and dances around and has a great time. There's usually a live DJ playing some kind of electronic music, and sometimes I VJ (play and manipulate live video to match the music). He saw my video one time, and that's why he invited me to his good-bye party, to play along with the DJ. He made a Facebook Event for it giving the basic info - where, when, why - and messaged me to make sure I saw it. I showed up wearing my usual clothes and was shocked to realize that everyone there was dressed up quite nice.

How do you know when a party or other event is a "dressy" kind of event? How do you find out how you are expected to dress when it's not explicitly stated in the description?

I've had the same problem with clubs. I have some DJ friends who generally play at places with no dress code. Then every once in a while they invite me to a party at a place I've never heard of, and when I show up, it's a "dressy" kind of place. How the hell do you know that before you get there?

2. I have a Facebook account. I used to be quite active with it, but nowadays I don't use it too much. Just a post here and there to keep in touch with friends and family back in America. Because so many of my friends are involved with music, I get about 10 Event invitations per week to parties I'm not interested in attending. I also get loads of "app requests" that I don't want. So basically, I have learned to ignore everything but private messages and direct interactions with me. A little over a week ago, a friend of mine that I hardly ever see had a birthday party. Apparently I was invited on Facebook, but I didn't even notice it. No one contacted me that night, but the next day someone wrote to me and said that my absence at the party had been noticed and I ought to apologize for not showing up. I had not even noticed the party invitation and I certainly hadn't responded to it, but friends were angry with me for not being there. I replied that I don't generally pay attention to Facebook invitations and someone should have told me about it directly or at least written to me or called me from the party asking if I was coming. The response was "well how should we know that you don't check facebook events?"

Does everyone in the universe now spend all their lives on Facebook, checking every detail of everything that happens on there? Is this genuinely expected of everyone? Was I actually in the wrong here, or are my friends being unreasonable? Should I be making announcements on Facebook just to alert people of the fact that I don't use Facebook very often, and if they want me to know something, they have to actually tell me?

[Lectorog]

For #2, I think it's expected that if you have a Facebook account you'll spend your life in Facebook (or at least be aware of everything happening on there). Your friends were being unreasonable, but you may very well want to let everyone know they should contact you directly if they actually want something. Because even if they were being unreasonable, it's not like they're going to change.

[Shook]

How do you know when a party or other event is a "dressy" kind of event? How do you find out how you are expected to dress when it's not explicitly stated in the description?

I've had the same problem with clubs. I have some DJ friends who generally play at places with no dress code. Then every once in a while they invite me to a party at a place I've never heard of, and when I show up, it's a "dressy" kind of place. How the hell do you know that before you get there?

If in doubt, ask. But generally, more somber parties, such as a goodbye party, will usually have finer dressing than general happy happy fun fun parties. Or rather, special occasions will frequently have people dressed up a bit finer than normal, whereas a "let's have a party because party" party tends to be rather lax about it.

Does everyone in the universe now spend all their lives on Facebook, checking every detail of everything that happens on there? Is this genuinely expected of everyone? Was I actually in the wrong here, or are my friends being unreasonable? Should I be making announcements on Facebook just to alert people of the fact that I don't use Facebook very often, and if they want me to know something, they have to actually tell me?

Not everybody uses Facebook, i have several friends who either don't have a profile at all or just don't use it a lot. I'd say it is a bit unreasonable to get angry about missing a Facebook invitation, but at the same time, if you have a Facebook profile and your friends know about it, you should probably at least tell them (in person) that you don't check it a lot. They can't honestly be angry about you missing a singular invitation on Facebook, though, if it really was that important then they could call you or something. I mean, if i were to host a party and wanted someone particular to come really badly, i sure as hell wouldn't just poke them on Facebook once, unless they actually responded to the poke with a clear answer.

[Sappho]

I've been to a lot of goodbye parties here before (I'm an expat with a lot of expat friends) and none of them were dressy, though. In fact, the only time other than this that I've found myself underdressed at a party was when I was invited to a club that turned out to be a dressy place and no one said anything about it (has happened 3 times). I was hoping maybe there was some other way people were finding out the expected dress code, something I might be able to do without simply memorizing unspoken possibilities for various types of parties... : /

I always thought I was pretty clear to my friends about generally being anti-facebook, anti-smartphones, anti-pretty much everything that involves preferring inhuman contact over meatspace contact (with real-life friends). Perhaps they don't hear anything that isn't broadcast over Facebook and I should write an announcement on there. As it is my profile description contains nothing more than the city I live in, my web site address, the languages I speak, and "If you want to get to know me, you're just going to have to do it the old fashioned way." My friends all record every detail of their lives on there, listing every book they've ever read, every movie and TV show they've ever watched, and with "like"s for every single thing in the universe that they don't actively detest. I would have thought it would be obvious that I'm not a Facebook kind of person.

It is true that I do some things on there regularly. I regularly use private messages and at least once or twice a week I post something to my wall - but I make sure it's something either important or funny, and very often I only post links to things I enjoy which I think others on there will appreciate. The entirety of my activity for the past 2 weeks is 3 sets of photographs from my Taiji residential training, an invitation to everyone to join me in playing an online game (NOT a Facebook game), and a comment about the insane thunderstorms we got over the weekend.

I guess the thing that confused me the most was that I hadn't responded to the party invitation at all, yet everyone assumed I had seen it (and that I would be going by default - I do not go to parties very often). Does everyone not get loads of unwanted invitations that they just ignore? I feel like someone sent me a message disguised as spam and was then upset that I didn't dig through my spam folder to find it.

Thanks for the advice so far. My current plan is:
1. Before attending any party from now on, I will ask someone if I should dress up. I feel like an idiot doing this, since 99% of the time the answer will be "of course not," but I can't think of any other way to be sure.
2. Post an announcement on Facebook alerting people that if they want to make sure I know something, they will have to actually contact me and make sure I know it.

[Anvilfolk]

Those two would baffle me as well super easily. I'd also have no idea!

I suppose people generally know the dressy places... if you don't frequent them, just ask about it.

Whenever people ask whether I saw X or Y on Facebook, I make a point of saying how little attention I pay to it. Just keep letting them know that you don't really pay much attention to it because you get flooded with invitations. Let them know the best way is to PM you... they'll probably be annoyed if they've gotten used to using Facebook for organising stuff, but hey... such is life!

In all honesty though, like I said, that's the kind of thing that happens to me, and I just laugh and am upfront about it, so that people tend to realise that's just how I am and will eventually learn to deal with it however.

[Sappho]

I've written this but haven't posted it because I'm not sure if people will think I'm being a jerk, or what. Thoughts?

I feel silly actually writing this, but apparently it needs to be announced. I do not like Facebook. I believe I've ranted about this quite a bit in real life. I do not like the way everyone prefers to communicate via Facebook. I use it only because it's the simplest way to keep in touch with people far away, and sometimes it's easier to contact local friends because it's free and I can write longer messages than I can by phone. I do not pay close attention to my Facebook. I am not reading your page every day. I get about 10 "event" invites per week and I generally don't even look at them unless someone explicitly tells me to. I do not want to help you unlock the next level in your game. I do not want Facebook to list me as your family member. I do not want to "like" your page. None of these things mean I don't like you! But if you are my real life friend, if you want me to know something, you must contact me outside of Facebook. If you send me something and I don't reply, I almost certainly have not seen it. Pick up the phone, send me an email, or even just send me a private FB message, but don't call me the next day saying "why didn't you show up last night?" because my answer will be "to what? And why are you calling me now instead of last night?" Thank you all and enjoy your crazy Facebooking.

[Knight of Fools]

What I tell people who wonder why I don't obsess over Facebook: Sometimes I use it to find and message old friends, but that's about it. Just send me a text or an email. If I happen to get on FB and notice your announcement or whatever, consider yourself lucky because it's rare that I ever check it.

If you want to roll the dice to see if I'll come to Event X or answer Question Y, feel free, but the only sure fire way to get a hold of me is to use a more traditional method of communication. If you're super lazy, just send me a text telling me to check your Facebook announcement or mention the thing next time I see you. Otherwise don't expect me to show up.


The main reason I avoid Facebook is because members of my family only use it to send me Slot-o-Mania requests. If I wanted to deal with spam all day I'd start a Yahoo account.

[Anvilfolk]

Hahahahah, yeah, I'm just like that too. I'll check Facebook to sort of have an idea of what people I've met and liked over the years are doing, and get in touch with them if I ever visit wherever they are. Again, no need to rant about Facebook in real-life (it's a useful tool, like you realise), but just make it plain that you don't use it that much whenever someone mentions it.

I also hate people who collect facebook friends like they collect pokemons... GOTTA CATCH'EM ALL! Ugh. Every now and then I go through my list of "friends" and prune it with people I've not talked to forever and don't see myself talking to again. Whatever. My family mostly knows they need to text me or let me know somehow that something is happening. And I don't get those insane amounts of events, and the people I do have who constantly send app requests either get unfriended or there's a weird way to block app requests from specific people somehow, which is one amazing. Make that two amazings!

Also, take this with a grain of salt. People tend to consider me a bit old fashioned as far as technology goes. I don't think absolutely all progress is necessarily good... just don't stress out with these things. As long as you don't get complacent and use it an as an excuse dishonestly, being like this is a part of you and people should understand that. As should you!

[Lectorog]

I've written this but haven't posted it because I'm not sure if people will think I'm being a jerk, or what. Thoughts?

Starts off seeming potentially harsh, but assuming people actually take the time to read it, it's good. In full does not sound like you're being a jerk. If your friends think you're a jerk for writing that, they're too easily offended, which they very well might be considering what you've said about them.

[Sappho]

I've written this but haven't posted it because I'm not sure if people will think I'm being a jerk, or what. Thoughts?

Starts off seeming potentially harsh, but assuming people actually take the time to read it, it's good. In full does not sound like you're being a jerk. If your friends think you're a jerk for writing that, they're too easily offended, which they very well might be considering what you've said about them.

I don't know if my friends will read it all the way through if it starts out sounding harsh. What if I replace the first sentence with "I am surprised that this is not already common knowledge, but it seems I ought to make an announcement"?

[Lectorog]

That's better, yeah. You might also want to remove or change "I do not like the way everyone prefers to communicate via Facebook."

[Anvilfolk]

Completely missed that this is supposed to be something that you're posting on Facebook!

Yeah, it's not that facebook is inherently evil - it's just that you prefer most of your social interactions NOT to happen over facebook. It's just not the same for you. It doesn't mean the other way of doing it is wrong. I guess that needs to be a little more prevalent throughout the text, but other than that I don't think.

Also, "make an announcement" makes you sound a little high and mighty. Perhaps something more personal, like, "I feel I should explain something", which is more what you'd hear between friends

[Andrew425]

In terms of asking, just ask if it is formal or casual. When in doubt always dress up. It's a bit easier for a guy, as he can throw on a nice dress shirt over top of jeans but I think you can probably figure out the line on your own.

[XXSockXX]

Yeah, asking what to wear in a certain location is perfectly reasonable. In a big city you just can't know all clubs/locations. In some places you look weird if dressed formally, in others the bouncers won't even let you in if you don't conform to the dress code.

Using facebook as the only invitation to a party is silly. I don't use facebook myself, but people who organize events tell me that most people will click "accept" on facebook invitations no matter what, just to not appear rude. So even from an organizers viewpoint this isn't very reliable.

[Vector]

Saying you're invited to 10 events a week and can't be bothered to pay attention to theirs will make you look like a snob.