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[Malus]

Hi. I really want to move on from my long-term crush/ex but I feel like it'd be really irresponsible considering how things are with her right now. So first, some backstory. I'm 18. When I was 15, I started dating a school friend of mine, long-distance (3500 miles, I moved across the country for my parent's work). I was a grade above her, and apparently she had a crush on me when we actually went to the same school. We started IMing a lot and eventually started 'dating'. It was long-distance but we loved each other so we kept it going for a full year. That summer, I asked my parents to fly me out to visit her, and they agreed (I had family in the area, whom I stayed with). Seeing each other for the first time in 2 years was pretty crazy, and we had tons of fun together. The relationship seemed strong. I could've imagined myself marrying this girl.

Anyway, I flew back home in September, having spent 2 months with her. A few weeks after I get back, she breaks up with me to 'date' one of the guys in her band class. She said the distance made things too difficult. I think I actually called her mom in tears and asked her to talk to her daughter. Her mom really liked me, and must've managed to convince her, because we got back together for a few weeks. It ended again, though, and not even her mom could salvage it this time.

So I give up, and move on. I'm in grade 11 at this point and not really sure of my future. I study hard, get pretty decent marks, and soon enough, it's summer again. I haven't talked to the girl in almost a year, and on a whim I send her a message. We make up for the lost time, and then some. Turned out she wasn't really serious about the guy she broke up with me for. Then she had a bout where she dated girls. It was around here when I realized I still had feelings for her, or maybe our conversation just rekindled something I'd forgotten about. Either way, I was head over heels for this girl again, but I knew she wouldn't be up for another long-distance relationship so I didn't even bother trying.

A couple months later and it's September. We kept in touch, but we didn't talk half as much as we used to. I was skyping with the girl one day when suddenly she says, "Wait, my boyfriend's calling me -- I'll talk to you later." Well, I was pretty shocked: I didn't realize she had a boyfriend. I just stopped talking to her suddenly. I deleted her from my contacts without even really saying anything. I was determined to move on this time.

A month later, mid-November, she calls my phone, really drunk. Apparently she was at her boyfriend's birthday party. She wasn't very coherent, but talked about how she didn't really like him, and still had feelings for me. "Okay," I thought. So I added her again. We talked. I convinced her to break up with her boyfriend and date me again, long-distance. This was a huge mistake, but not the biggest I made in this time span.

So, I was 17. I had to choose which college I'd be going to. And I chose the one in the city where she lived. Yeah? You can probably see where this is going.

We dated long-distance again for 4 months. At the end, she said she wanted to see other people, but would like to have an "open" relationship. This was better than nothing, I thought, so I agreed to her terms. I was still deeply in love with her, and I thought of how much fun we'd certainly have when I moved out to be with her for real. Even if she was dating other guys, I was so confident she'd lose all interest in them once she could be with me again.

She broke up with me 100% in June 2013, a few weeks before I flew out for college. She basically said "Hey, I'm seeing someone else now. I'm not going to date you again, sorry for leading you on!" and that was that. So I graduate high school and fly out, because it's way too late to change my plans. I arrive in the city (Calgary, for the curious) June 29. The first day, I sleep. The next day, the girl calls me up and tells me she's moving houses and her mom needs some more bodies. So I go and help them move, and spend some time with her. And I realize, yeah, I definitely am still in love with this girl.

We spend the entire day moving. I go home, exhausted, and sleep. The next day I call her up and tell her I need to go clothes shopping, and invite her along. So we go clothes shopping, have raucous amounts of fun, and it feels like we're best friends again. Neither of us are particularly social people, and I was (and still am) her only other friend besides her boyfriend. This continued for a week. We spent literally every day that week together, having a ton of fun, trying new things. Her boyfriend hasn't seen her in ages because she's having too much fun with me.

In light of recent circumstances, I think maybe now's my chance. So I ask her to break up with her boyfriend and date me instead. She refuses. "I'm not physically attracted to you," she says, "and I don't really like you that way." Haha. Okay. Fine. This brings us to the present day:

I am in love with this girl, my ex. I'm her best friend. She is never going to date me. I want to move on from her. So I decided I'd tell her I'm done, I'm severing our friendship, and that it's too painful to 'just be friends'. This spirals her into a deep depression. I'm the only person she has besides her boyfriend. She needs me, she says. And honestly, I really enjoy her company too. But we can't date each other, and if we can't date, I don't want to waste my time. I know I'll never be able to get rid of these feelings as long as I'm by her side, having fun, making her smile, every day. I can't move on unless I leave her behind. But leaving her behind would crush her.

[weenog]

You both need to grow up.  You need to learn and understand that emotion has its place -- tempered by reason and truth.  She needs to learn that she can't always get what she wants.  You're not in love, you're infatuated.  She's manipulating and using you, fairly effectively it seems.  Sever this tie.  Be polite, but firm, and leave no room for misinterpretation.  She may be distraught, that's okay.  Stick to your guns.  Everyone needs to learn about coping with loss sooner or later; she will get over it.  You will too, but only if you bring this situation to a close, and acknowledge it for what it was, instead of idealizing it as something that never was and never will be.

Don't mistake my bluntness for disparagement.  I don't think any less of you for this.  In 32 years, I have done far more foolish things than this, and I'm sure I'll make plenty more boneheaded mistakes in the time I have left.  It's okay as long as you learn from the mistakes, and try to avoid making the same ones repeatedly.

[Vector]

What Weenog said.

[QuakeIV]

May as well offer my own random advice, to provide some diversity.  Id suggest simply thinking about the whole situation.


Some questions you could ask based off of what you posted;

Is it really a waste of time to hang out with her if you aren't going to date/marry her?

Do you care if she needs you?

If you do, then are you willing to do anything about that?


Now I must slumber.  Also I'm not very experienced (18), so take what I say with appropriate quantities of salt.

[DJ]

Find somebody else. Rebound relationships can be surprisingly effective when it comes to forgetting an ex. Just don't be a jerk and be honest with the other girl about your situation when she asks.

[Glloyd]

Find somebody else. Rebound relationships can be surprisingly effective when it comes to forgetting an ex. Just don't be a jerk and be honest with the other girl about your situation when she asks.

This. A similar thing happened to me this past year, and a few months later I started a relationship with another girl who was going through the same thing as me. It really helped get me through a rough time.

[DJ]

Oh, and stay away from long distance relationships in the future. It rarely works out.

[Darkmere]

I knew someone in a similar situation as you. It *Really* didn't work out. I'd say don't carry a torch, move on. College is great because it isn't high school anymore, enjoy it while it lasts.

[Malus]

So, I tried to break it off again, but she did not react positively at all. She went as far as calling me up, in tears begging me to reconsider. She refused to break up with her boyfriend, but then went on to say that if I was leaving her, she'd abandon people altogether. So if I keep talking to her, she'll keep dating him, and if I stop talking to her and stop being her friend, she'll break up with him. She said, "If people always leave me then I don't have any need for them." Sounds like overdramatic teenage drivel, but the thing is, knowing her, she's probably telling the truth. If I stop being her friend she is going to withdraw completely from society. She is so reliant on me it isn't even funny, and that's why my dilemma is what it is. She definitely needs help, and she needs to meet more people, but there's no way she'll even try to do that without me being there.

I even talked to her boyfriend. He called me a selfish bastard for trying to abandon her. He also said he was jealous of how important I am to her, and that I shouldn't just run away. The fact that she's dating other guys really does make me miserable, but she's happy, and it seems like the question boils down to whether her happiness is more important or mine is, and I don't really know the answer to that.

[DJ]

If you give in to blackmail it'll only keep getting worse. Run for it.

[Vector]

Yup.  Run.

The boyfriend has a lot of motivation to call you selfish, remember.

[Darkmere]

Yeeeaahhhhh... go and meet new people who don't threaten you with their own well-being.

[weenog]

If she's telling the truth, you cannot help her.  The help she needs can't come from someone with your relation to her.

If she's lying, she don't need help, but you do.

Either way, you need to break this off.

[zimluura]

I'd just try to be less (or not) available to her.  When she calls, if you're busy (even re-organizing your sock drawer), don't answer.  If you're never busy, find something to do, and make it a higher priority than her.  Make friends with more people, make them a higher priority.  I'll make a prediction: the next person you meet (romantic or not) will treat you better.

She sounds really manipulative.  Certainly don't give in to the blackmail.  You might consider telling her that her demands from you are like those of a lover, and, in case she forgot, you're not her lover.

the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy.  When you really stop caring about her, you'll be over her.

[DJ]

Yeah, you may need to do things like that if she refuses to take the message and stop pestering you. Any time she starts telling you about her problems, just tell her you don't give a fuck. And yeah, don't answer the phone, even if you're not busy.