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[femmelf]

This seems to be a pretty gay friendly place.

So, this guy I know from college likes boys. We live in a pretty conservative area, so I get why he's all scared and in the closet and stuff. I found out when he told one of my best friends the reason he wouldn't go out with her was cause he's gay. She asked him how gay he was and he said, "I'm really very very gay" and he got all adorably shy about it. I guess he's dating a guy too. It explains a lot really. He's got kinda long hair, he's really skinny, shy, never ever had a girlfriend, all that. He was never into sports, did theater, had friends in the fashion design program. Poor thing is scared of his own shadow. Looking back on it, I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. I just wanna give him a big hug and tell him it's ok.

Also, I've been watching Will and Grace and I want my own gay friend. Nerd girl, gay guy, sounds like a friends to me. Also, he likes Dr. Who and Stargate and all the shows we do, so there's that.

But honestly, I feel bad for the little guy. He's never hurt anybody and he looks so lonely. Heck, I'm lonely too and I figure we can't be lonely together. My bestie and I feel the same way and we wanna include him in our stuff. I'm not really sure what to say to him though or how to bring it up. There isn't a manual for this is there?

[LordBucket]

There isn't a manual for this is there?

Not gay, so I'm not certain I'm the most qualified candidate to offer advice here...but I don't really understand why the situation warrants special treatment. If you want to be his friend...be his friend. What's the holdup?

I'm not really sure what to say to him though or how to bring it up.

How about...honestly? And...speak as if it's not a big deal. If you sound like you're walking on thin ice, that sends the message that you perceive a problem. Don't send him the message that there's a problem. He probably doesn't need that.

I want my own gay friend.

I advice against treating people like trophies. Liking people for what they are rather than who they are rarely ends well. Wanting a gay friend isn't much different than wanting a rich friend, or wanting a supermodel hanging on your arm to show off to everybody.

[Vector]

LordBucket, this is the first time I have ever agreed with you on anything.


Also, none of this "cute widdle gay dude needs protection" stuff.  Protect him or don't protect him, but infantilizing is not the thing to do.

[LordBucket]

LordBucket, this is the first time I have ever agreed with you on anything.

*friendly moment of camaraderie *

Next time we disagree, let's remember this moment so that the disagreement isn't uncomfortable.

[femmelf]

LordBucket, this is the first time I have ever agreed with you on anything.


Also, none of this "cute widdle gay dude needs protection" stuff.  Protect him or don't protect him, but infantilizing is not the thing to do.

Trophy? Infantalizing? I guess I screwed up? I didn't mean to.

I don't wanna do anything bad. I just see a person in pain who's scared and I wanna be his friend. To me the gay thing just means he's not gonna try anything. He seems really isolated and doesn't have a lot of friends. I've never done this before.  He seems depressed and fragile to me, or at least really sad, and I wanna help.

[Vector]

Yeah, so just be his pal and let him talk to you if he feels like it.  Like, you know, any person.

[Truean]

[reads thread]

Hey, how're you?

I'm probably the gayest thing you've ever seen read text from and that was a normal greeting. See? It's easy. So, what I think Vector and Bucket are getting at is roughly, "don't use stereotypes."

I'm gonna assume your heart's in the right place. This sounds like it's right up my alley. Couple points that might be helpful:

1.) Just 'cause he's gay doesn't mean he's a stereotype. There are tons of different types of people and tons of different types of gays. I dated a guy who looked completely straight and hung out with guys like he was. (Sidenote: This is the type of guy I go for) Nobody would ever look at him and think he was gay. Then there's me.... I'm actually transgender and am (secretly) feminine as hell. There are just .... Everybody's different and who you wanna sleep with doesn't define you. Don't assume he likes all the same things you do because he's gay. I get up, eat breakfast, and go to work in the morning just like everybody else. The fact that I like men doesn't usually enter into too much of what I do. So, don't make it all about that he's gay.

2.) He might or might not want the special attention you're implying he needs. Alright, let's say he is depressed or sad or whatever. Maybe all he wants is a normal friend who treats him just like he was anybody else and no different? Don't get me wrong, it's kinda nice that you seem willing to be supportive, but you're making some assumptions that might not be true here. It could come off as a little, I don't know, out of place, if you just spring that on him. Think about it from an outside point of view for a minute here. Let's even assume for a second the guy is in a bad place in his life right now and actually does want some help/attention.... Don't have it come outta nowhere. How well do you know him? If you just glom on TLC then it's gonna appear weird.

3.) Treat it like any other time you make friends. Vector is spot on here. Find common interests. You said he likes some TV shows you like. Crazy Idea, try saying hi to the guy. Maybe talk to him, maybe about those shows. If things go well after a while, think about watching some with him if that's something you do. Whatever. I'm spitballing here. Point is, how would you normally make a friend? Do that.

4.) The one thing I'd watch out for: him being closeted. You said he's closeted and in a conservative area. That one might be a legit concern. It has a very simple solution. Don't talk to other people about him being gay. Really, this is just like any other friend too. People have things they don't advertise to the general public. Just chill out and see if hanging around him for a bit works out like you would with anybody.

5.) Do not assume he is a girl, or the equivalent of one. Not a damn thing wrong with being a girl; I wish I was born one. If I'm lucky, one day I might have that operation.... I'm different, because I'm transgender. I do like wearing cute clothes, sometimes makeup/whatever, and hanging out with girls just like I'm one of them. I am not this guy; do not assume he is like me. Maybe he likes that, maybe he doesn't. I've seen people assume this kinda thing before, and it can be weird. I personally like the idea of me being a girl (that's the whole "trans" thing), but that totally does not mean every gay guy does. Quite the opposite, a lot of gay guys do NOT like the idea of being referred to as female. It is not a good idea to address him as "girlfriend," "sister," or anything like that right off the bat, or maybe ever if he doesn't like that.

In short, don't assume you know who he is or what a friendship with him will be like just because he's "gay." All that tells you is generally what kind of person he is attracted to, not who he is and not how he will relate to you. "Will and Grace" is a TV show and it is not real life.

TL;DR: Don't assume things. Just chill out. Act just like you would with everybody else.

Is there a reason you think he should be a special case or treated differently?

[femmelf]

I feel really stupid. I'm sorry. I'm gonna go now.

[Truean]

Did we just scare off another new person? I think we might have.

Look, it's not the end of the world. Hell, it's ok. The thread title says your heart's in the right place. You assumed some things. No harm done.

Just, kinda try to keep an open mind. That's all.

[weenog]

I have a friend who is gay and I wanna be there for him.

All you need is that simple revision of your thread title.

[LordBucket]

I have a friend who is gay and I wanna be there for him.

...thing is, I get the impression the OP wouldn't care about this guy at all if he wasn't gay. In the thread text she described him not as a friend but as "a guy I know" and despite the things she says they have in common obviously it wasn't that important to her to be friends with him before she knew he was gay. She doesn't want to be there for "a friend." She wants a gay trophy friend. She said so herself:

I've been watching Will and Grace and I want my own gay friend.

[weenog]

I have a friend who is gay and I wanna be there for him.

...thing is, I get the impression the OP wouldn't care about this guy at all if he wasn't gay. In the thread text she described him not as a friend but as "a guy I know" and despite the things she says they have in common obviously it wasn't that important to her to be friends with him before she knew he was gay. She doesn't want to be there for "a friend." She wants a gay trophy friend. She said so herself:

I've been watching Will and Grace and I want my own gay friend.

Yeah, but the modified title covers that, too.  Does the OP normally treat friends like collectible accessories?  If so, she probably needs more help than we can give.  If not, maybe she should reconsider this friendship idea, or find a better foundation on which to build the relationship.

[femmelf]

I said I'm sorry. What more do you want from me? Why is everything I say being picked apart and analyzed? I wanted to help somebody in a difficult time in their life and be their friend. I guess I didn't say it the right way. I don't know how.

[Shadowgandor]

Just go and talk to him and see if it clicks if that's what you want ^^

[Shook]

Guys, i don't think she wants him as a trophy, it was probably just an unfortunate choice of words, no need to jump down her throat. If i may be so bold, it sounded more like a "this guy seems lonely so i want to help, also he's gay" than a "i want him as my personal gay friend" to me. She legitimately wants to help him, and given that i know exactly what it feels like to be lonely and in pain (read: not good), i can only support this. (note: i DO NOT support objectifying people, i just don't think that's what she's trying to do)

Femmelf, just approach him like you would any other person you'd like to get to know. If you don't really know him at all, proceed slowly. This may sound horrible, but waiting for an opportune moment can also help. If you find yourself sitting next to each other, you could casually engage in a bit of small talk. Just bit by bit, getting to know him, but don't press on if he seems to be really uncomfortable. Topics for small talk could include the weather, the currently relevant activity near you and common favourites. You probably shouldn't actively stalk him, because that's just creepy for anyone.

But, please, consider everything that Truean said as well, it is basically impossible to judge peoples personalities by how they appear (unless they're flat out sulking in lonelyness on a lone bench). You may be surprised, both positively and negatively.

Also, disclaimer: I have only ever met new friends at school and at free time activities. I am not good at actively seeking out new friends, because i'm horribly socially stunted, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt. That, and people aren't all the same.