Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[femmelf]

Guys, i don't think she wants him as a trophy, it was probably just an unfortunate choice of words, no need to jump down her throat. If i may be so bold, it sounded more like a "this guy seems lonely so i want to help, also he's gay" than a "i want him as my personal gay friend" to me. She legitimately wants to help him, and given that i know exactly what it feels like to be lonely and in pain (read: not good), i can only support this. (note: i DO NOT support objectifying people, i just don't think that's what she's trying to do)

Femmelf, just approach him like you would any other person you'd like to get to know. If you don't really know him at all, proceed slowly. This may sound horrible, but waiting for an opportune moment can also help. If you find yourself sitting next to each other, you could casually engage in a bit of small talk. Just bit by bit, getting to know him, but don't press on if he seems to be really uncomfortable. Topics for small talk could include the weather, the currently relevant activity near you and common favourites. You probably shouldn't actively stalk him, because that's just creepy for anyone.

But, please, consider everything that Truean said as well, it is basically impossible to judge peoples personalities by how they appear (unless they're flat out sulking in lonelyness on a lone bench). You may be surprised, both positively and negatively.

Also, disclaimer: I have only ever met new friends at school and at free time activities. I am not good at actively seeking out new friends, because i'm horribly socially stunted, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt. That, and people aren't all the same.

This. So much this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The "him being gay" thing is mostly just about being able to trust him and comfort level. I mean, it's safe to assume he's not gonna be sexually attracted to me if he's gay, right? That whole sexual tension thing is awkward, I don't like it, and it's the reason most of my friends are girls. I get that he's his own person and all that, but that's true isn't it? I'm not way out in left field for thinking a gay guy isn't gonna fall for me am I?

[Shook]

Heh, you're welcome.
Also, nope, not at all, just like how two straight dudes/girls usually wouldn't fall for each other despite a close friendship. I would say that singles of compatible gender could also just be good friends, but that'd be a bit ironic since the only girl in class who i know to be single is also the girl who i think is particularly cute. Still, it is possible, and a good friend would understand if one doesn't wish to initiate romance.

But i digress slightly, no, he's probably not going to fall for you, especially not if he has already turned down someone else for that reason. My best piece of advice is probably just to be warm and friendly, which i suspect won't be a big issue for you.

[ggamer]

I said I'm sorry. What more do you want from me? Why is everything I say being picked apart and analyzed? I wanted to help somebody in a difficult time in their life and be their friend. I guess I didn't say it the right way. I don't know how.

Welcome to bay12: we're sort of assholes sometimes.

Look, I'm a right wing republican christian fundamentalist living in south-central georgia, and even i'm pretty sure that you don't need to fucking coddle the man. Just because he likes the dick doesn't mean he's suddenly a scared kitten caught in the rain. Make friends with him like you would anyone else, i'm sure he'd appreciate the warmth that usually follows genuine friendship.

[Glowcat]

I said I'm sorry. What more do you want from me? Why is everything I say being picked apart and analyzed? I wanted to help somebody in a difficult time in their life and be their friend. I guess I didn't say it the right way. I don't know how.

It's alright. Not all of us are assuming the worst based on your wording. And while I wouldn't advocate coddling him, if he's always lonely and it's because people aren't accepting then letting him know that he's accepted by somebody would be helpful. Otherwise just treat him as you would anybody else.

[The Fool]

The "him being gay" thing is mostly just about being able to trust him and comfort level. I mean, it's safe to assume he's not gonna be sexually attracted to me if he's gay, right? That whole sexual tension thing is awkward, I don't like it, and it's the reason most of my friends are girls. I get that he's his own person and all that, but that's true isn't it? I'm not way out in left field for thinking a gay guy isn't gonna fall for me am I?

If he's gay, and seeing someone, chances are that he won't be interested. Act like you would normally with a friend and you'll be fine. There is only tension because you're still a little unsure. Honestly, when some ladies talk to me (not realizing that I'm gay) you can tell that they're a little tense (in both posture and tone). Just ignore it really.

[Shakerag]

Why is everything I say being picked apart and analyzed?

Don't take it personally.  It's just how (many) of us are. 

Besides, what's wrong with being analyzed?  >_>

[Muffindog]

First of, please don't get scared of replies that have criticism, even when it sounds nasty. Some may only sound harsher than they are actually are. People here can sometimes be jaded cynics, but they're actually really nice and helpful

As for your friend, they were right. Don't treat him as a "gay friend", threat him as any other friend. His sexual orientation is not his only nor defining trait. Don't automatically think of him as someone who does theater, goes shopping, chugs cosmopolitans or stuff like that. No one likes being stripped of all their virtues and personality and made into a stereotype. He is a rounded, three-dimensional character just like everybody else.

I believe your compassion and altruism are genuine, but thread carefully there. A friendship can not only be based on comfort and sympathy. Don't befriend someone just out of pity. Maybe he isn't depressed or lonely at all. Perhaps he just enjoys solitude. He could simply be an introvert.

I don't think there will be any sexual tension between the two of you, at least as long you're not interested in him. He could express interest in a woman's looks, but more like "she is pretty/beautiful" and not "dude, I'd tap dat" So don't worry about that.

[femmelf]

He hung out with us last night and watched movies and TV and stuff. He's really nice and nothing was awkward. Turns out he doesn't like girl's clothes, but his boyfriend does.

They are an adorable couple.

[Truean]

Awww. Well, I'm very glad to hear that things have worked out then?

[Lasander]

He hung out with us last night and watched movies and TV and stuff. He's really nice and nothing was awkward. Turns out he doesn't like girl's clothes, but his boyfriend does.

They are an adorable couple.

Yay! Don't let what the others said get to you;reading your posts makes me feel like you will be a good friend to him.

[femmelf]

Thank you very much.

I never wanted to use him as some kind of ... I'm not even sure how to describe what some people thought I wanted him as.

I don't know. I was trying to be inclusive. I really hope I was, because I know what it's like not to be included. I don't know if that's the same thing as being gay in a conservative area that doesn't accept it or not, but whatever it is, it's the closest my brain can come to it.

[Tiruin]

Go femmelf!

You don't have to be anything to him other than what you want others to be to you--speaking at character. Lasander's post speaks it all--your posts speak sincerity and I believe that guy's really blessed to have someone like you with him.

Treat people as they are and not what the world labels them as. ^ ^

[femmelf]

Aww. Thank you very much Tiruin.

He seems to be alright overall, though he says he's always had trouble fitting in and finding accepting people. Seems his boyfriend is actually really effeminate and I'm ok with that. They're a very cute couple and it's fun when they hang out with me and my friends. None of us are outdoorsy people really, and we watch movies and TV and stuff and play board games most of the time (Settlers of Catan and stuff).

As for his boyfriend being effeminate, well.... Basically, he's always been shy and reserved and had long hair and just, he kinda looks like a girl in a way if that makes sense. His boyfriend brought him over (after he was certainly told they were both welcome) to friend's house. It's really hot; we're in a major heatwave. There are four of us and we're in like, shorts/skirts and tops/tee shirts or summer dresses. His boyfriend is a lil bit too interested in that, though he's trying not to be too obvious about it. He makes a couple of comments about how it must be cooler in those clothes and some things like that. We sorta get the hint and say he'd look cute like that too. He clearly likes the idea. So we dig up some old dress in friend's packed away clothes for him to wear that looks like it might fit him (and that wouldn't be missed if he stretched it out a little or whatever) and ask if he wants it. He does. Not a perfect fit, but meh. Close enough.

So he changes into it and his boyfriend tells him he looks cute. They sit next to each other and watch more Star Trek with us. They. are. an. adorable. couple. I just smiled my butt off.

I want this to become a thing we do: the hanging out with them that is. I don't care what his boyfriend wears either way.

[Truean]

.... Where the heck were you when I was in high school/college and totally needed friends like that? Awesome.

So it seems not the first guy you mentioned, but his boyfriend is into wearing girl's clothes? And you're being totally awesome about it? Cool.

[femmelf]

Awww, I woulda been there for you if I could have.

I'm having trouble keeping things straight without using names, so bear with me.

Was an awesome Friday night though. Stayed in and watched movies with friends and two new friends and they make an adorable coupppple. The gay guy's boyfriend came over as a girl and just sorta hung out with us. We helped him with his makeup a bit, and he makes a cute girl. The guy is awesome and great with him and it's too bad the guy is gay. 

For the most part, it's pretty much like anybody else with a few differences I don't care a whole lot about. Still not exactly sure I get it entirely but close enough?