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[Xvareon]

I have a friend who, even after apparently realizing that trying to blind himself to reality and become an escapist wasn't the right way to go, still doesn't feel that life in general is worth his time, or even provides any sort of interest or enjoyment for him anymore. He comes from a fairly harsh background, where many people tend to treat others with indifference at the very least, and at the very worst act abusive and cruel; this even drove him to attempt to commit suicide at one point, but that didn't go through like he planned. He's managed to come away from the worst of that at this point, but now the only real 'friend' or person that he can actually trust or count on for love and support is his own mother, who has also gone through a lot of that crap already in her life to get to this point. As a result, he has a pretty jaded and cold view of people and the world in general, but he's also come to understand that life isn't all bad and that not all people act this way. Still, however, it doesn't seem to be enough to solve everything.

His main problem right now is, that even though he realizes there are things in life he should do, or needs to do - like getting a job, finding a girlfriend, getting a car, etc. - he simply can't seem to feel any excitement or interest from such things. I've asked for advice from others at least once already, and told him what I thought would be the best thing to do; focus on the small things in life, instead of life on the whole, in order to 'build up' interest bit by bit. Essentially, treating life as a journey, rather than a destination. However, it seems that he's already tried that, and he says all it feels like to him is a temporary distraction from everything, and it's not really effective in getting him interested. As he said to me before, "I don't want anything out of life. None of it interests me anymore."

One of the only things I think he can find actual interest in these days, is talking or thinking about a certain animated TV show known as My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic; specifically, actually going to the world described within and living out a different, more interesting life there. He's told me clearly several times that he doesn't feel that life can really compare to MLP: FiM, and that it's just better and easier for him if he focuses his thoughts about the show or his own idea of being in there. Sometimes his own thoughts will wander off and he'll consistently daydream about it, only to feel terrible afterwards because he can't be in that world or have anything described within it.

That was then, though; I think now, he's coming to realize that he can get good things out of real life, and that he doesn't need the show or anything to do so. However, even that realization hasn't assuaged him entirely, and he still feels no kind of joy or excitement from life even after knowing these things. He's said that he will go on through with it, if only because he promised his mother he would not attempt suicide again, but that he has lost hope that he will ever find any sort of true enjoyment or fulfillment from it. I'm almost certain he is wrong, because life can offer numerous opportunities and interesting outcomes for one with the courage to look for them; still, though, he is going to need some sort of plan or hobby he can do in the interim to keep him interested, or he's gonna lose out on a lot.

I hope that I have given enough details. I'm just at a loss here, since it seems that most of my approaches to this problem in conversation have been ineffective so far. So, I wanted to ask if anyone has had similar thoughts like this before, and if they could please share any experiences and/or advice they may have. Thank you.

[Shadowgandor]

Hmm, I've kind of been there as well, though not in the extent that he's at judging by your description. Still, exercising really got my blood flowing again, or finding more impressive physical things to achieve, like cycling for 180 kilometer on a single day or participating in the International Four Days Marches Nijmegen for the 4x 50 kilometer walk. It's things like these that give me the idea that I'm achieving something that a lot of people will never be able to do (with their mentality).
For me, the feeling of progress was lacking in my life after I was done with high school. Apparently this has to do with an addiction to games, but I can't be bothered to find a report about this. Doing crazy stuff like the Four Days Marches gave me a goal in life, apart from "Study, earn money, sustain myself, repeat".

Edit; be gone hyperlink!

[Shakerag]

All I can say is that you can't necessarily expect someone who has had the world shit on him his entire life to come through it unscathed.  Sometimes you just end up Fucked-Up For Life. 

I know someone who's mother was so sadistic with them growing up that this person still frequently feels that their mother is still trying to control and dominate their life over 20 years later.  And this person's mother is almost constantly in their dreams in a power-role as well. 

So, yeah, there may be a reason everything you're trying is ineffective.  I would say to just do whatever you think may be helpful as long as it doesn't go against your friend's wishes.

[weenog]

Not worth his time?  How valuable is the time of someone who sits around watching cartoons all day?

No excitement or interest?  Newsflash: many, likely most, people aren't excited or interested at their jobs.  They do what they do because it's what's required of them, and provides the resources to do what they want to do later... even if it's just sitting around watching cartoons on days off.  Food costs money.  Electricity costs money.  A roof to keep rain out of your computer or television costs money.  Being a useless lump isn't free.

It certainly is easier to focus on inconsequential things, but it's not better.  All that ignoring your responsibilities and problems now accomplishes is making sure they're still around, unsolved and daunting, later on, when you no longer have the time or the resources to solve them effectively.  What's good about that?

There are people in this world that would rather suffer than do anything difficult; your friend sounds like one of those people.  I'm convinced most of these people think this way because they don't know just how grave suffering can become.  I had a long aside here about a human wreck I know, but I've decided not to enter it because that would be going off on a long tangent.

I will say that Fucked Up For Life is a copout.  A hard life that doesn't kill you isn't what ruins you, it's giving up that ruins you.  I'm an example of down but not out.  My earliest memory is of learning that the boogieman is real, he has a gun, he's planning to use it on my sister and me if Mom doesn't pay him some drug money she owes him, and that's why we're going camping a few counties over in winter on no notice and with no gear.  Dad was the type to beat me for making a mess knocking something over as a clumsy toddler, and then beat me again for crying.  In high school I only ever slept in English class, because home wasn't safe and I didn't have anywhere else to go.  I've been in and out of juvenile detention centers and jail, struggled with various addictions, been drowned in a lake as a "joke" (5+ minutes underwater, real funny), I have scars on every part of my body including my genitals, and this last winter I did the homeless thing and camped in a cheap tent in weather well below the freezing point, worst it got was about -20F; this was a mild winter for this location.  I only learned how to put a resume together last year.

I'm posting this on my own laptop from my own apartment, which is paid for by the full time job I need to attend in a few hours, a job I acquired and kept while freezing my balls off in that cheap tent.

My advice for your friend is to grow up and get serious.  Turn off the MLP completely -- there may be no external chemicals involved, but he seems to be displaying a psychological addiction, he needs to break that -- and find something useful to do, preferably something with real consequences for failure.  Possibly a relocation is in order; if he's thinking about a job as optional, he needs to be away from his Momma and succeeding or failing based on his own effort and resourcefulness.

If he's able to, coming out here to Minot, North Dakota might be ideal for him.  There is a major economic boom thanks to the oil shales nearby, there is more work here than there are workers here to do it.  Everyone needs help so hiring standards are very loose; my boss put me to work on my word that my criminal background check would come back clean, before it was even run (with the understanding that if it did turn up something horrible, we might have to renegotiate).  The winter is so harsh that it will probably kill him if he can't buy, rent, or construct a suitable shelter for himself (hint: if you understand how thermal underwear works, you can get a lot of heat containment from cheap thrift store blankets, selected and layered carefully).

There is plentiful opportunity here, and severe consequences for not taking advantage and making the most of it.  Everyone I know around here says if you can't find work in Minot, you don't want to work.  Course many of them also say that -40 degrees keeps the riff-raff out.  So, you know, only come if you're prepared to get serious about life.

[Shakerag]

weenog, while you've certainly Seen Some Shit and have apparently been able to get your shit together afterwards, that doesn't mean that every other person could do the same as you. 

Some people, when bent too far, aren't able to eventually bang themselves back into shape.  They just break. 

[weenog]

I couldn't either, until I forced the issue by putting myself into a position where my options were succeed on my own, or die.  I'm not special.  I just made the decision to quit making excuses and take responsibility for myself.  I understand and accept that nobody owes me food, shelter, safety, interest, fun, love, or even life.  Human rights are a cruel joke -- anything that can be taken away was never a right to begin with.  If I want something, it's up to me to take it, trade for it, or create it, and then secure it against anything that might want to take it away.  If that means sending a check to the company that owns my apartment, fine.  If that means beating the crap out of an angry raccoon that decided it lives in my bedding now, fine, that's what I'll do tonight before I sleep (though it's been a while since that happened).

The point is, while I am bigger and stronger than most people, it's not some inherent advantage that got me out of the metaphorical hole I was dug into.  It's attitude, a willingness to take responsibility and take charge of my situation.  The only person on this planet obligated to take care of me is me, so that's what I'm doing.

[LordSlowpoke]

my utmost apologies for not responding to the matter at hand, but why exactly someone should/needs to find oneself a girlfriend? with the state you've described your friend as, it'd be only detrimental to both in the long run. i mostly agree with weenog though.

[weenog]

One thing that I find useful to do, when I'm feeling responsible but not motivated, is to think about myself, 20 years in the future.  A man in his 50s, I don't know what his life is like, but it's probably not very good if I don't get and keep my shit together right now.  He's asking me, "How did I end up here?  Why is my life what it is now?"  What kind of answer am I going to give that man?  "Well, I really wanted to finish my Dwarf Fortress megaproject, so I blew off work, and it became a habit, and I got fired.  Then I couldn't keep a regular job because I'd developed poor attendance habits.  Sorry you got fucked, buddy, but the obsidian skyscraper was pretty cool for a couple of weeks."  That would be absurd, and shameful.

What are you going to say when Future You asks Present You what you did to make his life the way it is?  I wonder what your friend's answer would be.

[nenjin]

Well, let me put this in perspective.

He's still alive, by any means necessary. He sounds like a candidate for suicide, and after having lost a childhood friend to it, you become more forgiving of people's coping mechanisms even if you find them or their rationale distasteful. They may not be living a vibrant life, but at least they're not 6 feet under.

Although only being able to find any sort of release in...MlP doesn't sound healthy. Part of the issue living like that is you lose your frame of reference to the outside world, ergo, there's nothing to refute your world view or change the way you live your habits. It's sliding down the scale of becoming a shut-in.

The other part of it is, people that don't experience life will maintain it's not worth experiencing. But simply going outside and being in public doesn't change that perception. And that's the hardest part, is getting someone to do something to shake up their routine, to make change possible. It takes a lot of energy for you to try and find things that will appeal to them. What you really need to do is help them find a job. Even people that are bored and unhappy with life respond to responsibility if they have a shred of moral fiber. Maybe they even cling to it because it's the only thing they can make themselves care about. And a job is an in-road for life to introduce change (both good and bad.)

So I don't really have any good advice for you, you're just going to have to let life do what it can to change them. But if your friend is more or less stable, just unhappy and gray, like I said, it's a coping mechanism so don't be too hard on them for it. If they can't find a job or can't hold one down, that's when I'd start getting seriously concerned about their mental health.

[Rooster]

The truth is you can't change a person. You can show them the method, but you can't internalise the change for them.

Make them watch these:

World god only knows : about a dude who doesn't like reality - he may relate
Kung fu panda 2: Strong message about not letting the past rule you, I've watched it 3 times it was that good.

And lastly:
Katawa shoujo: For the feels. The amount of people that became better people because of this VN is a meme.

Think about someone wanting to change you giving you a lecture and advice. You'd be annoyed because you didn't ask for it. But pestering your friend into watching something with a message you wanted to tell him? Very effective.

PS Encouraging him to delve deeper into the brony fandom would be also good. Bronies are absolutely positive people.
PS 2 If he thinks about MLP this much he seriously needs to write fanfic. Writing fanfic is both a stress reliever, something he'll have motivation and passion for, and a bridge to something constructive in general.

[nenjin]

I dunno, creation can often be another form of escapism. The issue is that they lack balance, something "Drill down on X even harder!" isn't going to change.

[weenog]

I dunno, creation can often be another form of escapism. The issue is that they lack balance, something "Drill down on

• even harder!" isn't going to change.

True.  That's like responding to a problem of burying one's head in the sand by saying "Dig deeper! You'll reach Bullshitopia eventually!"

[Mr Frog]

[ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGY]
He sounds emotionally-detached in the pathological sense -- understandable, given his circumstances -- which seems to be the core problem. I don't have much experience with this (or any) sort of person, but it seems to me that they don't really truly understand the impact a lack of stable income would have on their life. They may be able to understand the potential consequences of such on an intellectual level, but haven't really made the connection to how it would affect them spiritually and emotionally -- the difference between 'this will happen' and 'I would not like it if this happened' -- likely because their emotional detachment makes it difficult for them to evaluate their potential visceral response to a hypothetical situation.
[/ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGY]

I think you should be seeing their attachment to MLP as a potential tool -- when dealing with a person like this, any drop of enthusiasm they can work up for anything is a precious resource. Clearly, something about Pony holds interest and value to him which other things lack -- it may be a good idea to figure out what it is he wants out of the show and his fantasies around it and try to help him figure out how to obtain it from other places, or, failing that, simply use his attachment to the show itself as motivation.
    Another thing you may want to do is set small goals for him in order to build his confidence. Detachment can be a defense mechanism -- he's been screwed over by life pretty hard, so it's probably difficult for him to invest himself emotionally for fear that it won't pay off, which could be why he doesn't seem to really care about anything. In that case, you'll need to help him rebuild his faith in himself.

No matter what you do or whose advice you choose to take, though, I doubt this is the sort of thing that can be resolved in a day. Be prepared to have to work at it for months or years.

[scrdest]

I suspect clinical depression from the sound of it, especially the disinterest in most activities, although diagnosing... pretty much anything over the 'net would be irresponsible of both me and you. If you can get in touch with someone who is a mental health specialist, ask him personally.

While we're at defense mechanisms - he's displaying some rather pathological ones. For once, he is still very much an escapist, as the attachment to MLP demonstrates.

Several people made rather good points. Having been through nastiness is not a fucked-up-for-life sentence. People are surprisingly malleable where you'd expect them to be immutable and surprisingly resistant to change in things that seem minor to you.

Next - forcing him to get a girlfriend right now is going to backfire, and badly. Given the state of mind he's in, he will either fail, which will reinforce his idea that World Is Bad As A Whole, or find someone who will... interface, so to say, with how he is now. So either form a fucked-up codependence, find someone who is fucked-up in a similar way, ending up with both of them reinforcing the problem or so on... either way, it won't end well.

BTW - why do you think he should get a job? What does he live off?

[Mr Frog]

@scrdest:

Based on my (probably horribly-flawed -- my reading comprehension sucks) understanding, his employment situation is more of a symptom than a problem unto itself at the moment. The OP is worried by his friend's lack of interest in finding a job even though it's not yet a major issue, as it nevertheless indicates a worrying inability/unwillingness to (for the lack of a better term) give a fuck. The friend in question is probably living off his parents or something.

And yes, OP/their friend should probably contact a mental health professional or several if they haven't already. They'd be able to understand and handle the problem far better than a bunch of random internet people would.