Dear Diary,
Today, I became Emperor.
Pretty sweet, right? Well, it turns out Dad had gotten involved in Bitchface Douchebag Lasuka's civil wars and I'm expected to keep on doing that. Jeez, thanks, Dad. And what's the point of being an Emperor if you can't do what you want?
Before anything else, I want to take a moment to address all the ways my Dad sucked. One, he was always bitching about my hair and clothes and stuff, saying it was 'unbecoming of an Emperor' and whatever. Two, he married me to my
aunt. Eww. And I know he did it just to get at me - never gonna touch that. Three, he tried to remove me from the succession somehow, which is totally douchey any way you look at it. And four, I'm pretty sure he'd have killed me sooner or later.
But hey, guess who's Emperor now, and guess who's DEAD? Pffffffffffft. Didn't see that coming, huh, Dad?
Though I guess he did have one good idea;
Pfffft haha, look at the Pope dance! I like to invite Christian rulers to my palace and call him out to them. I mean, we didn't even need to give him a new funny hat! He's... waitforit... Hilarius!
I also have to talk about the Byzantine Emperor, Lasuka. Also known as a TOTAL FUCKFACE. I mean, I was pretty negative about Dad before, but this guy... just this guy. I'm not a violent guy - my dad called me a coward, but I'm just chill, y'know, no need to worry about stuff too much? - but this worthless puddle of total and utter assholiness? Bear with me here, I'm gonna write a small list of why this 'Emperor' is the worst person to have ever walked the earth. First of all, [...]
The following pages are sadly missing.So the war has been going on and on. I heard it's killed most of the male population over there or something, but I dunno. I haven't visited.
In other news, a lot of my court were worried about my uncle, so I told my spymistress to head over and ask him what's wrong. I didn't even talk about any kind of factions, but man, he just got super-defensive and made this weird promise.
But hey, I'm not complaining.
You know I said I'd never touch my wife, who's also my aunt? Yeah... I don't know the specifics here, but my smokin'-hot concubine Ermengard (or as I like to call her, Ermagerd. That's all she pretty much says when I talk to her) tells me I was very, very drunk when this, uhh, got started? So I guess it's okay then.
I'm gonna name the kid Palemon. I figure it should make the gods happy.
War's started winding down. Of course, no thanks from Bitchface. I took another two concubines to celebrate - these Greek chicks they dragged in, both daughters of some dude or other.
On a crumbled page.
OH HOLD THE HELL UP. So just this morning I heard that there's a rebellion going on on behalf of my uncle, the King of Rus. He's not doing anything, but I'm keeping my eye on him. Half of the realm is rebelling and neither the Carpathian Emperor or Bitchface is going to help me - so much for family, huh?
Well, when I say 'not gonna help me', I mean 'THREATENED TO ASSASSINATE ME'. I tried to help him, and this is how he rewards me. Gods.
Several pages laterThis war is never gonna end. Ugggh.
I have a daughter! With one of the Greek chicks. I named her Roze. Wish I could just get back to the palace already, but no, we just fight and fight on. You'd think these rebels would've given up already, but they have the gall to claim they're actually winning. The marshal thinks they just need to be beaten around some time more. It's not like they have anywhere to turn to for allies.
The contents of these pages have been compiled as the 'Curses and Insults of Medieval Wendia: An Illustrated Guide' (Vilnius University Press), recommended for all students of the period. I'm not proud of what I did. But there's a limit to what a man can take. Gods know I had more patience than most. Bitchface's sister, the new Empress, still won't help me, but I guess you can't have everything. Now, I'll see if I can negotiate my money back from all the times they botched the job.
I sort-of misplaced one of my daughters. Or well, she did turn up again - in the hands of the rebels. Her mother is even more upset than usual.
Surrender, at last! I merely imprisoned and took their titles for myself - let no-one say I am not a merciful liege! Finally, some peace. I'm gonna take a long, hard look at my life and find out where I went wrong.
It was heathens. I haven't killed enough heathens.
Several pages later.
Okay, so maybe killing heathens wasn't the answer, but I'm not gonna say it wasn't worthwhile. East Francia - that is, Germany, now - is mine, and I'm just getting started.
In other news, half of my realm has somehow ended up in the hands of the Carpathians. I've decided to take offense.
It turned out that the Carpathian Emperor's vassals much preferred my iron fist to his iron baby gloves, so all in all, this war didn't take all that long. Bohemia and Pommerania are back in the Wendish fold.
The remainder of the Emperor's journals remain untranslated.