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Author Topic: How do you keep from being the world's doormat/letting people ruin your day?  (Read 2596 times)

femmelf

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People get to me, all the time. It's amazing. Whatever their problem is, I seem to get yelled at. Strangers, family, whoever.

Some of these people I can avoid and I avoid most people. The rest, I just can't avoid. I have to deal with them for work, or at home, or wherever.

What do you do to keep your sanity and keep on functioning around people?
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Graknorke

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I rest safe in the knowledge that I am better than everyone around me. That's pretty much how I let people get away with dumb shit. Because they don't know as much as I do not to do that dumb shit. If they don't stop when I ask/tell them to then they're  not smart enough to listen to someone smarter than them.
Yeah, it's narcissistic, but what can I do about it? Thinking any differently I would probably flip my shit.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2013, 03:18:35 pm by Graknorke »
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Andrew425

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I use two techniques.

I either try to sympathise with them and have them explain to me the problem

Or I act crazier then them forcing them to try to calm me down. Within a few minutes they'll usually calm down.
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Vector

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I ask them why they're yelling at me.  This usually either

a. Suddenly makes the situation make a lot more sense
b. Makes them stop.

Not meanly.  Just "why?"  "Why is the sky blue?"  "Why are you yelling at me?"

Works less well in a career situation.
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sjm9876

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The problem I find with asking why is that some people become even worse once they realise they have no reason, because they are more ashamed of being proved to be unfair than actually being unfair.
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Vector

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Yeah, but then I can start laughing because I know it's not my problem.
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Graknorke

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Yeah, but then I can start laughing because I know it's not my problem.
But they get angrier in an attempt to make you stop pointing out how moronic they're being.
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Vector

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This is about how you keep your sanity, though.  How I do it is usually by exposing the humor in the situation.

Some people will stop if you sympathize with them; some people will stop if you inform them that they're mistreating you (as I suggested).  But if you can't get them to stop in any case, what would you rather do?  Sympathize with their feelings, or laugh at them?  I know which one is easier on me, and morally speaking they seem to be about the same.
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LordBucket

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What do you do to keep your sanity and keep on functioning around people?

1) Avoid them.
2) Perceive them as insignificant animals that I'm superior to and/or fantasize about controlling and destroying them.
3) Let go of what they give me.

Strategy #3 is probably healthier than 1 and 2. A lot of what goes into a toilet is unpleasant, but the toilet keeps flushing it away. When others treat you like their personal toilet, flush it away. It might be inconvenient that people keep treating you this way, but it's probably better to flush it away and let it go than to hold onto it.

femmelf

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Thank you all for trying to help, it is sort of encouraging. :)

I guess, I hear people complaining to at me about things that are going wrong for them in their lives. I can't help, or I can only do limited things/not the magic fix they want. I've been happy to listen for years, but it's just too much. I have to be around these people for work and family though so I can't just run away from them (though sometimes that's tempting). I keep having this feeling I should somehow "fix" things, but I don't wanna be too pushy and I know that sometimes it wouldn't even matter how hard I would work, those things can't be "fixed."

For a long time, things worked for me (kinda), because I was solution driven. I didn't bitch about things so much because I knew I could either stand there complaining about it or fix it. The things I couldn't fix, I sorta passively listened to or ignored when I could. I'm worn down now though and sometimes I just wanna snap at the other person to shut up, curl up into a ball and cry, or who even knows. None of these things are acceptable though.
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Vector

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Ah-ha.

Say you're sorry to hear that and change the subject to something mutually agreeable, like trees or the weather or a book you just read or something.  This doesn't feel good to people, but it is considered vastly politer than what I previously recommended.
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Truean

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Well I'm not entirely sure you can fix some of that. It's an old problem I've been trying to solve myself. The best I've come up with, and I'm not great at it, is to say something like, "Well, at least this other thing hasn't gone bad." I suppose try to come up with other things to talk about when you can. When that doesn't work, I just have to try and think about something else without letting the other person know that's what I'm doing, and this is difficult if they yell or get upset or something.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2013, 08:22:05 pm by Truean »
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femmelf

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Ah-ha.

Say you're sorry to hear that and change the subject to something mutually agreeable, like trees or the weather or a book you just read or something.  This doesn't feel good to people, but it is considered vastly politer than what I previously recommended.

What do you do if they won't drop it or change the subject and even when they expect you to solve something you just don't know how. My parents think I can get any computer to work and I can't. I have told them this a million times and they keep on telling me to. :( My boss wants something fixed and I can't fix it (or I can't practically fix it because of a million reasons like money, time, or a computer program not working that way, that somebody else isn't going to let that happen).

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Vector

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I don't know.  I have a social processing disorder, so most of my answers are going to seem very simple, but at the same time... I don't have your problems.  I don't think you need to be told how to deal with mean folks, so if you have a good-faith relationship with someone, then be open.  Learn what different words mean to them.  Be honest.  Ask questions when you have questions.  Make it clear that you like them but you need something else from them.  Treat people with affection, and create a reputation for yourself, so that people know that you'll do something if you can do it, and if you can't do it, then you won't.  Learn to say things like "I love you, and I need more privacy and space for myself so that when we are together, we can have happier times."

I don't know enough about you to know what advice is going to be good and which is bad, but the most important, best choice I think I've ever made in my life is choose as follows--to go out of my way to make someone else's day when things are sucking for me.  I recognize the point when nothing I do is going to make me happier except the passage of time, and then I take my own happiness off the table as a consideration.

That changed my relationships with a lot of people.
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jhxmt

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I read your original post more as a question about how you, personally, can deal with how people speak/act to you, rather than what (else) you can do to stop those things happening.  The below has been written from that perspective.   :)

A lot (not all) of the time, you can't change other people.  You can act in certain ways that make people less likely to be dicks to you (that would need a separate post) but, in the end, some people will still be dicks to you.  It's life, sadly.

What you can control is how you react to people being dicks to you.  You seem to be worried that your current way of reacting to it is not a healthy way (i.e. you let it get to you/take it personally/whatever).

I tend to focus on two things:

1) Most people, deep down, are good.  That's pretty much just a personal belief, but it works for me.  Nobody wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, "You know what?  Today, I'm going to be a complete bastard to everyone else."  That just doesn't happen.  Most people try to be good people.  What we perceive as other people being dicks is actually (to me) simply their confused efforts to be good.  Things get in the way of people being good.  Maybe they had a rough day.  Maybe their cat/dog/hamster died.  Maybe they had a bad childhood that's left them with a different idea of what behaviours result in 'goodness'.  It's very difficult for us, as individuals, to ever know what's truly going through someone else's head - we can only ever observe the resulting behaviours.  If you can bring yourself to believe that those behaviours don't reflect badly on you, or on the person displaying them, but simply illustrate a difference in how that person tries to 'be good', it becomes a lot easier to deal with.  They're not being a dick to you - they're trying to be good, but something's twisted them around so that they're making a hash of it.  You end up not feeling angry with them so much as sympathetic.  It's hard to be good in a way that other people understand.

2) If that doesn't work and you still get angry about it, I like to imagine that everybody is secretly being controlled by a little alien bastard who's managed to sneak inside their brain when they weren't looking - a little bit like a more douchebag-y version of Heinlein's Puppet Masters.  Inside, the person who's acting dickishly towards you is incredibly embarrassed at what they're doing, but the little alien bastard temporarily has control and they can't stop it.  Later on, when they get control back (which could be years from now), they'll be really upset at what it made them do...but, right now, they're dicks.  It's not their fault.

Those two philosophies have gotten me through quite a lot of moments where I otherwise would have been incredibly aggravated or depressed.  Use as you see fit.  :P
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