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[lawastooshort]

Hitpriest: Path of the Assassin

They say you don’t choose the priesthood. The priesthood chooses you… It’s a vocation. A calling.

Well, you certainly didn’t choose this feckin’ shite.

Stumbling into the pitch black bathroom you tug on the light cord and stare in the mirror. Your eyes are sunken and your cassock covered in blood.

Not your blood.

You scrub.

The blood runs pink down the plughole.

You scrub harder.

…   …   …

A phone call in the night. That awful voice.

”I’VE GOT A JOB FOR YOU, YER BIG GOBSHITE. I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF MR O’REILLY. HE’S GOT SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT PAPERS ABOUT ME ACCOUNTS, THE LITTLE FECKER…”

The line goes dead.

No one’s resisted the will of Bishop Lennan and survived. No one. You stump back to your bedroom. You take off your priest pyjamas. You suit up. Best Sunday cassock. Practical shoes. Weapon of choice. You stump back downstairs. Leave a note for your housekeeper.

Got a sudden funeral to arrange.

Back later…

You hope…

…   …   …

…   …   …

Spoiler: rules (click to show/hide)

This takes place in the same universe as this game but has more complex rules. You may consider that game as an expert guide on how to act like a priest.

Standard rtd d6 rolls, examples being:
1- Your Mass is awful and you get an Awful Mass Bonus for next turn and the congregation complain so hard they start to riot and one elderly man sets fire to the curtains and throws pews through the windows and then several elderly women knock you over and start beating you with the candlesticks until you vomit down your cassock and just then the bishop turns up and he asks you Father Pink just what the hell is going on here you shitearsed eejit you’re meant to be taking care of my goldfish Mavis not desecrating the house of God you feckin’ eejit take this take this take this as he kicks you right in the face and then afterwards right in the arse too and then one of the elderly women ties you up and starts drowning you in the baptismal font and oh
2- You forget the words to Mass.
3- You mumble a mediocre Mass.
4- You say a good Mass.
5- You perform an awesome Mass. Perhaps you get an Awesome Mass Bonus.
6- You say such an awesome Mass that the congregation gets totally naked as they sing your praises and you receive an Awesome Mass Bonus for the next turn and then the bishop turns up and he asks you Father Red just what the hell is going on here you feckin’ eejit you’re meant to be saying Mass not hosting some kind of shitin’ orgy you big fat gobshite take this take this take this as he kicks you right up the arse and then when you fall over in the head and in the face and then he leaves in a hurry and oh god you see one of the ancient naked congregation members in the ancient naked part up really close and you are a bit scarred for life so

Combat is d6 vs d6 to hit. A hit results in d6 HP lost. A natural 6 on the HP d6 is a critical: roll another dice for d6 HP lost. Repeat as required. 0 HP is death. HP regenerates at 1 HP per turn of not taking damage.

Special combat options include: taking partial (i.e. can still fire) cover (+1 or +2 to defence die, depending), total (i.e. cowering in a pit, can’t fire) cover  (+3 to defence die, probably), defensive melee (taking a -2 attack penalty for a +2 defence bonus), defensive Mass (+2 defence bonus but cannot attack, although can perform Mass) and that kind of thing.

Burning may arise as a result of certain actions. When a person is on fire, they lose d3+1 HP per turn, until they are extinguished. If they touch another person whilst burning, there is a one in six chance of igniting that other person.

If you complete a mission you get money. Completing a mission means you reduce the bad guy to 0 HP. Having money means you can buy an item.

If you survive a mission you get a level up. Surviving a mission means not feckin’ dying. A level up means you choose a skill: it doesn’t mean you become a bishop.

Four players at a time.

Bold your actions.

You may only swear after referring to the acceptable swear words list (artistic combinations of acceptable words therein are encouraged). Penalties are applicable. I will strongly diswelcome anything that is not appropriate: this is a family game. Use your judgement please.

Spoiler: acceptable swear words list (click to show/hide)

Arse, Arses, Arsebiscuit, Arsebiscuits, Arsewipe, Arsewipes, Bastard, Bastards, Bollock, Bollocks, Feck, Fecked, Feckin’, Fecking, Fecker, Feckers, Feck off, Gobshite, Gobshites, Shit, Shits, Shite, Shites, Shitebiscuit, Shitebiscuits, Shiting, Shitting, Wanker, Wankers.

Spoiler: character sheet (click to show/hide)

Name: Father Something.
Health: [10/10]
Skills: You can take one skill. You start at COMPETENT.
Inventory: You can take one item. Only standard weaponry is permitted - see list below or PM for guidance.
Starting Country: You can start in one country. IMPORTANT CLARIFICATION: this does not mean you may be NOT Irish. You're a priest.
Additional details or bio: Optional.

Spoiler: notes (click to show/hide)

I was going to leave this until after my other nearly finished rtd finished, but the turn was delayed and I got overexited and accidentally posted it. I also have another rtd going. The nearly finished one and the other one unfortunately have to take priority. I have quite a decent record of keeping games going, but if one has to go, it will be this one. Also, I suspect the combat system might be a bit deadly but I haven’t tested it, because well.

[lawastooshort]

Spoiler: Storage space for skills* (click to show/hide)

Competent Weapon X User
Legendary Weapon X User
Dangerous Weapon X User
Lethal Weapon X User
Competent Melee Artist
Legendary Melee Artist
Competent Dodger
Competent Defensive Fighter
Tis But a Flesh Wound!
Tis But a Terrible Flesh Wound!
Competent Masser
Competently Fast
Competent Dual Wielder
Tough Gobshite
Competently Hardy
*Not a definitive list: also available for listing are such skills as Acrobatics, Disguise, Latin, Forgery, etc. Where not specified, all skills are available in Competent versions and Legendary versions, where Legendary grants a further +1. Subject to balancing.

Spoiler: Storage space for weapons* (click to show/hide)

Ranges are:
Close 0-5
Short 5-10
Medium 10-20
Long 20+

Pistol
Shotgun
Submachine gun
Assault rifle
Sniper rifle
Rocket Propelled Grenade
Knife
Grenade
Flashbang
Molotov
*Not a definitive list and subject to balancing

Spoiler: Storage space for player list (click to show/hide)

Harry Baldman
Toaster
Greenstarfanatic
micelus
Digital Hellhound
Errol
Krath
IpunchFaces

Spoiler: Storage space for deceased players list (click to show/hide)

Digital Hellhound
Errol
ragnarok97071
Tiruin

[Errol]

Name: Father Crimson
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Bullshite-er
Inventory: Assault Rifle
Starting Country: Ireland. Where else?
Additional details or bio: Leaving blank until I get great ideas.

[Harry Baldman]

Spoiler: Father Nkutu (click to show/hide)

Name: Father Nkutu, formerly known as Father Curran.
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Tis But a Flesh Wound!
Inventory: Sniper rifle
Starting Country: Democratic Republic of the Congo
Additional details or bio: Father Curran was but an ordinary, pious priest back in good ol' Ireland, but then one of his shiting arsebiscuit buddies convinced him to take a trip to the Congo. It'll be fun, they said. They'll do missionary work, they said. Well, luckily, the Democratic Republic of the Congo turned out to be Catholic already, so they didn't have to do that second part. In addition, his shiting arsebiscuit buddies met unfortunate, highly explosive ends that we will not be getting into at the present time, probably due to the fact that they were shiting arsebiscuits. They also had his money and passport during said explosive misadventures. Now he lives in the DRC, doing hired priestwork while trying to get by and live. Luckily, he's a tough fecker, not to mention quite the optimist, so he's confident it'll turn out fine. In fact, he kind of likes it there more than Ireland already. Less shiting arsebiscuits, he can tell ya that. Particularly great is the fact that that fecker bishop Le-

Erm. Wait, the phone's ringing. Hello, Bishop Nkutu speaking.

Oh. Bishop Lennan. How did you-never mind. What is it you want?

Oh. Oh.

[ragnarok97071]

Name: Father Alexander Anderson
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competant Bayonet User
Inventory: Blessed Bayonets
Starting Country: Italy

:p

If I may~?

[Empiricist]

((Well, this certainly will be interesting; Though initially I considered writing up a Father Faust, I've decided that I'd rather just PTW and observe the hilarity.))

[Scelly9]

This is going to be wonderful. PTW.

[Digital Hellhound]

Name: Father Auburn
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Heathen Impersonation (Father Auburn is a master of disguising himself as heathens, heretics or non-believers, masking his holy priestliness)
Inventory: Armoured Bible
Starting Country: I hear Paris is wonderful for professional murderers this time of the year.
Additional details or bio: The illegitimate son of the famous Father Brown and a French seductress, Father Auburn turned to darker paths due to the shame of being a half-Irish-blood.

[Tiruin]

Err..A blend of mystery and intrigue. This is interesting. PTW Ok not passing this up.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Name: Father Pax
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Flashbang User
Inventory: Flashbang
Starting Country: European (Sorry! :X)
Additional details or bio:

On the list of background information, there is but a scrawl written in refined italics.

Let there be light.

In truth, Pax is but a misnomer of the man behind the name. A member of the clergy in these dark times, he is one of the few able bodied men trained in the art of non-lethal combat, much like gardening was his main hobby for the past decade. 'There are many things wrong when one does not see the truth,' was his motto, due from his past as a scholar and a philosopher.

He takes pride in flower arrangement and painting.

[freeformschooler]

Oh sweet Lord.

[lawastooshort]

Mission One: Mister O’Reilly

En route to the mission, you open your confidential Priest Correspondence for the mission details.

Mister O’Reilly is a big feckin’ gobshite. He lives in Termonfeckin, in the centre of Rolly Island, in a villa on the edge of town. He is known to have two guard dogs and two unarmed guards. He is suspected to have employed around two armed bodyguards, but beyond being a big feckin’ gobshite shouldn’t expect an immediate attempt on his life. Take care of Mister O’Reilly and recover the important feckin’ papers. Standard payment for him and standard payment for the papers.

Standard payment for any task in this branch of the priesthood is five hundred gold Euros.

His villa, on a side road, has around two hundred metres of lawn surrounding it and is enclosed by a seven foot brick wall. Interior plans of the villa follow:

Spoiler: Map (click to show/hide)

Two floors, both with the same layout except the upper floor does not have the entrance area at the top right of the ground floor and doesn’t have the stairs going up in the centre. Mister O’Reilly likes long corridors. You can use room numbers for reference.

…   …   …   …   …   …

Spoiler: Players (click to show/hide)

Name: Father Nkutu, formerly known as Father Curran, Harry Baldman
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Tis But a Flesh Wound!
Inventory: Sniper rifle
Starting Country: Democratic Republic of Congo

Name: Father Crimson, Errol
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Bullshiter
Inventory: Assault rifle
Starting Country: Ireland

Name: Father Alexander Anderson, ragnarok97071
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competant Bayonet User
Inventory: Blessed Bayonet
Starting Country: Italy

Name: Father Auburn, Digital Hellhound
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Heathen Impersonator
Inventory: Armoured Bible
Starting Country: France


Name: Father Pax, Tiruin
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Flashbang User
Inventory: Flashbang
Starting Country: Britain

Name: Mister O’Reilly, Target
Health: [10/10]
Skills: ??
Inventory: ??
Starting Country: Ireland

 Yes, you are all undertaking the same mission and yes, there are only two payments to be earned. May the spirit of priestly brotherhood bless you.

Your first action should involve getting to the target.

[ragnarok97071]

Father Alexander Anderson steps out of the black van which had brought him here, not watching as it speeds off into the distance. With luck, he would succeed, and it would be here when he returns to it.

Now, it was time to do his absolute favorite thing in the world, next, of course, to spreading the gospel of the lord and savior Jesus Christ, preaching peace and love for all.

That was, obviously, murderin' the feck out of people.

He walks forward, toward the front of the Villa, a bayonet in each hand.

He was not one for subtlety, was he?

[Toaster]

ARGH why did I miss this starting


Name: Father Lars
Health: [10/10]
Skills: Competent Arsonist
Inventory: Molotov Cocktail
Starting Country: Rolly Island.  It's so far removed from reality that it might as well be its own country.
Additional details or bio: After being the sole survivor of several Mass-related incidents a couple years back, Bishop Lennan took Father Lars aside.  His talents for arson and penchant for accidental manslaughter were taken and funneled into Bishop Lennan's... other side.

[Errol]

Mug nearest pizza delivery wanker. Acquire his uniform, pizza carton and facial hair, then fashion a disguise from it, put it on over the cassock and stuff the rifle under that cassock, claim it's my fecking massive... holiness when questioned. When all this is said and done, knock on the back door and infiltrate the mansion - if no gobshite opens, it might be time to kick the feckin' door in. The pizza service stops for nobody.

[Harry Baldman]

Father Nkuta steps off the bicycle that carried him to the edge of Termonfeckin.

Termonfeckin. How long it's been. How awful it still is. Oh well. Gobshites will be gobshites. May the Lord have mercy on them and all that jolly business.

Try to climb over the fence and survey the villa's windows with the sniper rifle's scope while moving all about all skulking-like to make sure I get all of the things. Try to find that gobshite O'Reilly in this fashion. Failing that, find an open window.