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[error404]

Another time I found I had a vampire in my fort and a group of zombies outside. My solution was to wall the vampire into the fortress and leave the others at the end of the bridge to the zombies with it raised. Of course I had my vampire start on the memorials for his friends as soon as he lowered the bridge. The walling in was unnecessary, but I got to see him separate himself from his family and friends knowing they were about to die by his actions. The best part was that the migrants still came. I never really got anything more done in the next few years as the memorials took so long with only a brand new mason at the start. By the end he was both a legendary mason and miner though. I cannot fault the results.

[Giver99]

1. whenever A solder acts cowerdly or stupidly i send his entire squad to the  "Happy Place"

2. All children are put in a Special Room With the best food and drink but walled of from the rest of the fort and when the fort is under seige i open the door sending them spilling out into the oncoming hord as a diversion of course if they survive to adult hood they are welcome to  join the rest of the fortress

[Duhwolf]

My last successful fort was a ten year 85 dwarf fort and I found out through many blood drained bodies that I had acquired a vampire. I didn't feel like cheating and I was too lazy to figure out who it was, but I was damn curious. I loaded up all of my dwarves through the use of burrows into a small room on the same z level as the river, then had one of the miners flood the whole thing. Logically the only one left was the vampire who became the mayor. I assigned her as an engraver and let her put memorabilia up on how this successful fortress of "The Sacks of Glowing" came to a tragic end.

Afterwards I went into adventure mode after abandoning the fortress then hunted down the vampire and killed her for the destruction of the fort, which I blamed on her.

Dwarven justice had been served.

[Randy Gnoman]

So, apparently the worst thing I've done is mermaid genocide.  But that aside:  Dwarven Learning Hospitals!

That or prisons... these are two type of theme fortress.  In prisons, a single dwarf or a small number of dwarves are the "wardens," living a privileged life with access to the trade depot and all the levers that control the prison.  The rest are inmates, and live sealed away beyond an air-lock type setup which allows new prisoners to be admitted but prevents the escape of current inmates.  There is a chute through which the prisoners can drop manufactured goods, and a chute through which the guards can drop supplies to the inmates.  Conditions can be pretty awful.  In my first prison, there was a rampaging cave crocodile that killed most of the prisoners (obviously, the prisoners weren't armed- that would be crazy!).  The survivors managed to wall it in around the river (this was back in the days of those nice underground rivers), but many of them eventually died of thirst as a result.

In a Dwarven Learning Hospital, you designate a certain number of dwarves as test subjects.  One sets up various devices which are designed to shatter bones, lacerate flesh, and generally wreak as much !!science!! on a living dwarf as can be done without killing them outright (although obviously, even the safest scientific devices sometimes kill)- and then uses them on the test subjects.  Why?  To train the best damn dwarven doctors on the continent, that's why!  I know that some people have modded in 'study' stuff to train doctors, but as far as I'm concerned there's simply no substitute for a real wound.  It does still take a damn long time, though.

[Lielac]

I set my dwarves to ride a minecart (ride east always) along an impulse ramp track and straight into a fortification. All of them. One after another. I had a pile of dorfs moaning in agony and a delicious map of throw-spread by way of their blood.

And I giggled at it.

[Matoro]

I set my dwarves to ride a minecart (ride east always) along an impulse ramp track and straight into a fortification. All of them. One after another. I had a pile of dorfs moaning in agony and a delicious map of throw-spread by way of their blood.

And I giggled at it.

That's a new way to weaponize useless cheese makers. Did you try to shoot the goblins with your dwarves?

[Iton Ibrukrithzam]

Step 1: Smelt Galena for the silver.
Step 2: Forge worthless lead into toys.
Step 3: Sell to elves, now elven children play with lead toys.

The worst thing I haven't done yet is figure out how to tame elves as pets.  I figure they can be the dwarf version of tiny dogs: useless things that rich dwarves keep around to remind others of their status.

[HmH]

I remember one of my forts that was dedicated to researching cages as life support devices for insane dwarves.

I had a lot of war dogs bred, and whenever my justice system ended up choosing a new prisoner to punish for the mandates I intentionally broke, I assigned twelve dogs to said prisoner. I then killed the dogs one by one, with weeks passing in between deaths, until the poor soul finally went mad.

Once that happened, I had the prisoner's cage deconstructed and put into a special burrow, which I named "Asylum", where twelve useless migrants were isolated from the rest of the fort; they were to feed and water the prisoner and had no other tasks. Despite their clear and concise job description, the wardens still managed to let their wards die.

After my eleventh test subject had expired at the hands of these incompetents, I grew weary of their constant failures and decided to abort the project. I took one of my captured vampires, threw his cage into the asylum and walled it off. Then I had the vampire released.

In four days, one of the migrants was found dead. Fifteen more, and another warden was drained of blood. Every time a migrant went to sleep, there was a good chance the vampire would take their life. Soon, the migrants' nerves started to fail, and they showed signs of approaching madness: mindless vandalism, agressive behavior and lethal food fights. While throwing a tantrum, one of them took down the locked doors of the asylum... only to see a newly-erected block wall in place of the familiar corridor. He was brained by a flying piece of egg roast several days later.

Those wardens who lived the longest started going insane as the booze ran out. The ninth warden to die went berserk and attacked the vampire, breaking his left arm and shattering his toenail before the vampire bashed his head in. The tenth succumbed to melancholy and drowned himself in the well. The eleventh was drained of blood, and the twelfth started babbling once he tasted the tainted waters of the well; he died of thirst soon after.

Nine months after the asylum was sealed, the dwarves from my main fortress took down the wall. Inside, they found rotting corpses of the wardens and a vampire, who was still saddened by the deaths of his newfound friends. He took the blame for most of the murders and was sentenced to several years in prison. Despite his immortality, the vampire did not live to taste freedom again: the untreated infection from his toenail killed him the next year.

[evictedSaint]

I remember one of my forts that was dedicated to researching cages as life support devices for insane dwarves.

I had a lot of war dogs bred, and whenever my justice system ended up choosing a new prisoner to punish for the mandates I intentionally broke, I assigned twelve dogs to said prisoner. I then killed the dogs one by one, with weeks passing in between deaths, until the poor soul finally went mad.

Once that happened, I had the prisoner's cage deconstructed and put into a special burrow, which I named "Asylum", where twelve useless migrants were isolated from the rest of the fort; they were to feed and water the prisoner and had no other tasks. Despite their clear and concise job description, the wardens still managed to let their wards die.

After my eleventh test subject had expired at the hands of these incompetents, I grew weary of their constant failures and decided to abort the project. I took one of my captured vampires, threw his cage into the asylum and walled it off. Then I had the vampire released.

In four days, one of the migrants was found dead. Fifteen more, and another warden was drained of blood. Every time a migrant went to sleep, there was a good chance the vampire would take their life. Soon, the migrants' nerves started to fail, and they showed signs of approaching madness: mindless vandalism, agressive behavior and lethal food fights. While throwing a tantrum, one of them took down the locked doors of the asylum... only to see a newly-erected block wall in place of the familiar corridor. He was brained by a flying piece of egg roast several days later.

Those wardens who lived the longest started going insane as the booze ran out. The ninth warden to die went berserk and attacked the vampire, breaking his left arm and shattering his toenail before the vampire bashed his head in. The tenth succumbed to melancholy and drowned himself in the well. The eleventh was drained of blood, and the twelfth started babbling once he tasted the tainted waters of the well; he died of thirst soon after.

Nine months after the asylum was sealed, the dwarves from my main fortress took down the wall. Inside, they found rotting corpses of the wardens and a vampire, who was still saddened by the deaths of his newfound friends. He took the blame for most of the murders and was sentenced to several years in prison. Despite his immortality, the vampire did not live to taste freedom again: the untreated infection from his toenail killed him the next year.

Holy shit that is nightmarish.

[Lielac]

I set my dwarves to ride a minecart (ride east always) along an impulse ramp track and straight into a fortification. All of them. One after another. I had a pile of dorfs moaning in agony and a delicious map of throw-spread by way of their blood.

And I giggled at it.

That's a new way to weaponize useless cheese makers. Did you try to shoot the goblins with your dwarves?

Nah. I was actually just practicing minecart physics and flinging things through fortifications. I could have used metal bars or something, but dwarves were more expedient.

[Mr Space Cat]

I set my dwarves to ride a minecart (ride east always) along an impulse ramp track and straight into a fortification. All of them. One after another. I had a pile of dorfs moaning in agony and a delicious map of throw-spread by way of their blood.

And I giggled at it.

That's a new way to weaponize useless cheese makers. Did you try to shoot the goblins with your dwarves?

Nah. I was actually just practicing minecart physics and flinging things through fortifications. I could have used metal bars or something, but dwarves were more expedient.

But the more important thing is "Did the dwarves fly through the fortifications?"

[Whackjob]

I tried being a Space Cat once.



It did not work out.

[Lielac]

I set my dwarves to ride a minecart (ride east always) along an impulse ramp track and straight into a fortification. All of them. One after another. I had a pile of dorfs moaning in agony and a delicious map of throw-spread by way of their blood.

And I giggled at it.

That's a new way to weaponize useless cheese makers. Did you try to shoot the goblins with your dwarves?

Nah. I was actually just practicing minecart physics and flinging things through fortifications. I could have used metal bars or something, but dwarves were more expedient.

But the more important thing is "Did the dwarves fly through the fortifications?"

Oh, yes. Gloriously.

[Whackjob]

Ok, now there's an interesting concept.  You can have a completely walled in fortress, no entrances or exits, but instead fire the dwarves through fortifications.  The only issue is doing so without great harm.


... splashdown pool?

Whackjob is taken by a fey mood!

Minecart Control to Urist VanHaul
Drink your rum and put your game face on
(Ten) Minecart control (Nine) to Urist VanHaul (Eight)
(Seven, six) Commencing countdown (Five), waterwheel on (Four)
(Three, two) Check the brake (One) and may Armok's (Blastoff) love be with you

This is Minecart control to Urist VanHaul, you've really made the grade
And the engravers want to know what shirt you wear
Now it's time to leave the cart if you dare

This is Urist VanHaul to Minecart control, I'm slamming into the wall
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stalagtites look very different today
Here am I hurled from a cart far above the floor
Microcline is blue and there's nothing I can do

Though I'm past one hundred thousand feet, I'm feeling very still
And I think my minecart knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much, she knows
Minecart control to Urist VanHaul, you've left the track, there's something wrong
Can you hear me, Urist VanHaul?
Can you hear me, Urist VanHaul?
Can you hear me, Urist VanHaul?
Can you...

Here am I flying through the air, far above the floor
Microcline is blue and there's nothing I can do

Whackjob has created Minecart Oddity, a snarky song that menaces with bad cadence and lacking creativity!

[Lielac]

The initial injuries seemed to be from the minecart slamming into the riding dwarf, and then more from skidding across the stone floor. Several were dead by the time they stopped moving.