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Author Topic: [STORY] The Horror's Behind The Wall  (Read 1243 times)

dewboy

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[STORY] The Horror's Behind The Wall
« on: June 05, 2013, 12:35:11 pm »

   I wrote this while I was sick and bored. I hope you like It. Comments? Suggestions?
==============================================================================================================


When Fikod checked into his job at the mines they gave him a mug of ale along with his slip telling him his assignment for the day. Fikod didn’t need the slip, the ale was enough to tell him. He would be working in the deep mines today.

   As I walked down the stairs to the deep mines today I saw a friend of mine. We call him BigE. We call him that for a reason. At about 5 foot 2inches in human measurements, he’s probably the biggest miner here. With big burly arms he can mine through solid stone for hours without breaking a sweat and still have the strength to crush the life out of you when he gives you one of his friendly greeting hugs.
   “you working in the deep mines today?” I asked him.
   “yeah, section 3. how ‘bout you?”
   “nope I’m in section 2“
   “Ahhh. Heard they found some Adamintine there a couple days ago”
I was shocked. No one had found adamintine in months in the mines. this was a breakthrough.
   “I guess they heard ‘bout your skills with an axe, Fikod. Maybe their expectin’ trouble”
With this comment we reached the deep mines. These mines really aren’t that different than those above. These just had an extra layer of security in case of... well, we don’t talk about it. I loosened my axe in its sheath on my back. The depths give me the willies. I said bye to BigE and began to move towards section 2. I got orders from the mine overseer and began to dig.
   Stone.stone.stone.stone.stone.stone.stone. Copper ore, tell the haulers.stone.stone.stone. Break for lunch, grab a bite of plump helmet and a swig of ale. stone.stone.stone.stone. blue stone.more blue stone. looks like met--- ADAMINTINE. I alert the overseer immediately. An elite team (including myself) begin to careful remove the precious metal from the stone, careful in case we breach it. This continues until quiting time. Just before I head for the stairs I notice a note engraved on the wall
 
“stick around, work overtime. Smooth when read
               signed,
               don’t try to find me

   I smooth out the note and go to the office to ask for overtime. I continue to mine out the Adamintine during the night shift. During the midnight lunch break I was eating next to where we we’re working and I noticed a small crack in the Adamintine. Looking closer I saw a claw slip through and begin to widen the crack. A voice behind me says

   “Better fill that up dwarf, don’t want anything to break through”
   I whirl around expecting to see the mysterious engraver of the note but no ones there...

   Behind me the crack was widening steadily. From the gap I began to hear whispers in a language that none but the dammed could understand. I now understood that behind that thin wall of adamintine lie that which none had seen and lived, and it was about to be unleashed. I yelled for the guards and the night shift overseer. upon hearing my yells what ever was behind the wall began working furiously. I realized that the others would come to late. Through the gap came a hand. It was gnarled, clawed, pale, and I was sure It could rip me apart. Then, I had an idea. I didn’t know if it would work but... I had to try. I looked down at my pickaxe.....

   I sipped my ale as I watched the architects check the seals on the wall in the deep mines. This permanent seal of masterful dwarven engineering would hopefully be able to hold back the untold horrors we had awoken. I looked down at my pickaxe, passed down through my family for generations. All that was left was the haft. The head was embedded in a gap in the adamintine now sealed off by 300 ft of a lead and gold alloy with a cap of pure adamintine that took 3 sleepless days to construct. As feasts and were thrown to celebrate the working of the adamintine and its eventual use against the elves, I was trying to figure out what I should do for work next. I looked at the section of wall that I had smoothed out to hide the note. “I have somebody to find” I said to myself.

 
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k33n

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Re: [STORY] The Horror's Behind The Wall
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2013, 01:14:34 pm »

More.
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GiglameshDespair

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Re: [STORY] The Horror's Behind The Wall
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2013, 05:15:55 pm »

1) Need to check punctuation and capitalisation for a start.
2) Starts in third person then almost immediately goes into first person, which is a bit odd.
3) Anachronistic name - BigE?
4) *Adamantine

Needs checking through.
EDIT: Oh yeah, it would be 'The Horrors behind the wall' - the Horror is not possessive.
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Old and cringe account. Disregard.

dewboy

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Re: [STORY] The Horror's Behind The Wall
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2013, 05:18:27 pm »

yeah. my grammar always needs work during school year. Thanks for the other notes though
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flame99

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Re: [STORY] The Horror's Behind The Wall
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2013, 11:08:51 pm »

-snip-
midnight lunch break I was eating next to where we we’re working and I noticed a small crack in the Adamintine. Looking closer I saw a claw
-snip-
We're=We are. It should be were instead.

Now that the nitpicking is out of the way, that was pretty well written.
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It/its, they/them, in order of preference.

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