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[Mictlantecuhtli]

You're obviously plenty smart and in my eyes full of potential. No more beating yourself up, not allowed :] It can be a self-feeding cycle at times, I know.

It's hard age, especially for someone in your position. All I can recommend [besides lip service] is possibly a therapist to help lay everything on the table for, so to speak. If that's even an option, of course. Sometimes inner hardships are easier to handle when made less.. Internal, pervasive. Lord knows I've been down the path. To talk about something is the easiest way to get if off my mind, usually. You do a pretty good job of communicating the things you find difficult though.

Do you mind me asking if posts like the 'Long' spoiler make you feel better or worse by the time you write them?

[Sappho]

Thanks for the reply. I know that some things can change, but some things definitely can't. I keep going in cycles in my life of working really hard to improve everything, then eventually realizing I've ended up right back where I was, with the deepest problems still just as bad as they ever were. You can work very hard to hide your autism but you can never cure it.

I spent about 10 years in therapy growing up. It never did me any good. If anything, it fueled my instinct to constantly talk about everything (which people find off-putting now). I talked and talked and talked but it was really no different than blabbing to a stranger at a bar or ranting on the internet. Therapists are doing a job. I don't need someone who will listen and offer advice so much as I just need someone who truly cares about me, loves me unconditionally, and lives through all these things with me. I really think the majority of people have that in their parents. I know not everyone gets along with their parents generally, but everyone I know, in the kind of situation I'm in, would immediately go to their mom or dad to talk. I've never had that, and I know that's a big part of my problem. When you go through your life looking for a substitute for that, you end up being needy and driving people away.

Anyway, I appreciate the suggestion. Thanks for reading that whole long rant. As for whether I feel better after writing such things... I guess there's a sort of pressure that builds up to just let it all out. Writing it down isn't quite as effective as saying it out loud to someone who cares about you and gives you a big hug in return, but on the other hand I write better than I speak and writing lets me organize all my thoughts and really express what's going on without being interrupted, so in that sense, it certainly provides a kind of relief. Doesn't really help solve anything, but I guess it lets me relax a little. After I wrote that I went back to bed and immediately fell asleep for another hour.

I felt really good during the boxing part of last night's workshop. I'd love to go back to boxing lessons, but the only place I could find to do it at was heavily focused on strength and power. It was a bunch of big, strong men who wanted to learn how to fight, plus me, who could hardly do ten push-ups (nowadays I could probably hardly do one). After half an hour of jumping rope, push-ups, and other such exercises, I was so dead on my feet that I could hardly lift my hands with the heavy gloves on them. Too intense for me just starting out and I don't have the time and willpower to keep up a serious exercise regimen on my own. I don't suppose anyone knows any boxing gyms in Prague with a slower program for beginners, or a program focused on speed and agility rather than raw strength and power (I'm 170 cm / 5'7" and 53 kg / 117 lb). The only program I could find specifically targeted to women was called "fit box" and was just about conditioning. Booooooring.

[DeKaFu]

[Long text]

...Wow. As an Aspergers diagnosee who has yet to really strike out on their own, this hit kind of painfully close to home. I'll resist the need to ramble about my own life here, but I suspect I've been doing a lot of my own running from similar problems, and it'll probably start catching up to me in a big way in the next couple years once I hit the "real" world.

I'd say this stuff is definitely one of the reasons why I chose to focus my life around animals, though. The chance at affection and simply being around other living beings without having to worry about the insane circus that is human social interaction.

[Kirbypowered]

Okay, so first off, I was reading your thoughts on video games and had to wonder what you'd think of Proteus. I've only played it a couple times now (lousy computer), but it has had a short term affect on me in that I'll take more note of my surroundings after playing, as well as being relaxed.

Reading your long post...I don't know if anything I could say would be much help. I'm only really good at going on long, repetitious rambles that don't result in me actually saying what I mean to say...

Also, I am definitely interested in trying to track myself hourly, it'll just take a mountain of effort to get started. Mayhaps I will start tomorrow. I am actually interested in finding some things out about myself anyways, and it would give me a reason to not sit around all day feeling negative about doing nothing.

Best of luck to you. There are words that I want to put here but I can't think of them. Add whatever you like. =p

[Sappho]

Wow, guys. Honestly I wasn't expecting anyone to read all that, much less to reply. Thanks. Just knowing that someone is making note of what I say is encouraging.

DeKaFu: For all that I have my bad days, I have to admit that for the most part I am reasonably satisfied with my life. There are so many things that I do now just as part of my routine which, only a few years ago, I would have imagined impossible. I can be proud of all the progress I've made, even if I do have times when I'm depressed.

I think it's really easy to assume you are incapable of something just because you've never been forced to try, holding on to your safety net. Once you dive in and it's do-or-die, you discover that you have always had far greater potential than you ever imagined. It's such a shame that children these days are all raised in the most protective, sheltered possible circumstances. I never had to face any real challenges growing up, and I was one of the first generation to experience that. My parents, who grew up in the 70s (I've got a young family), were told to get out of the house in the morning and be back by dinner, with no cell phones, no plan, just go off into the world and survive until sunset. In my generation we're all terrified of being on our own because there has always been someone there to help us, someone telling us how dangerous everything is and how careful we always have to be. This goes even for neurotypical people. For all that I have a hard time sometimes (and I offer no illusions that life is easy, or even that it should be), moving out and facing the world on my own is the best decision I ever made.

Kirbypowered: Thanks for the link. I've never heard of Proteus but it looks worth trying. I've definitely spent more than 7 euros on temporary happiness many times before and I think I can justify purchasing this one and trying it out, as long as I keep track of how much time I spend on it. It will be interesting to see how it affects me.

Also, hooray for tracking yourself hourly! Start tomorrow. : ) I plan to spend part of tomorrow finally sorting through all my data so far and producing some graphs and charts. I meant to do it today, actually, but an annoying friend was kind enough to drag me out to lunch then sit on my sofa all afternoon and evening eating my snacks and demanding that I let him use my internet for work stuff since his is out for another week.

I'm not complaining. In fact, although I spent several hours wishing he'd just shove off and go home, I place a high value on reliable (and well-intentioned) annoying friends. Rather than explain my reasons, I'll let David Wong do it: http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html

So thanks to this guy, my depression and self-pity are gone and I'm feeling okay now, even though I didn't get done the stuff I meant to get done. Also, although he doesn't know about my experiments, he gave me the idea for my next one: the non-disclosure game. To try to directly combat my tendency to blab on and on about all the details of my life to people who don't want to hear them (rather than a general feeling of "I talk too much"), I'm going to play a game with myself where I divulge as little information as possible while still maintaining friendly conversation. My primary target will be that girl I work with, and I plan to start on Monday, at work. I will think up some more details by then and make it all formal.

I'm still tracking myself each hour, of course.

Oh, and today I finished getting the apartment back to its new default "tidy" state, including vacuuming and even washing the shower. I WILL keep up these habits!!!

Thanks for being an awesome bunch of forumgoers, guys.

EDIT:

Oh, wow. I allowed myself to play Proteus for an hour and it was just enough time to get to the "ending" though of course I haven't seen it all. That was so beautiful. I will most certainly be playing this again, and again. I will leave it on in the background whenever I'm drawing or reading. The music in it moved me nearly as much as the story in To The Moon. It actually made me cry a little.

I just wrote up a quick little review on my Tumblr to encourage others to try it out. Thanks, Kirbypowered. I might never have found this without your recommendation. http://thingsairafound.tumblr.com/post/53049474402/its-not-often-i-recommend-a-game-to-be-played

[Sappho]

Thanks Naxza. : ) After 6 years on these forums I am still consistently impressed by the quality of this community.

Today I bought a new computer mouse (old one was double-clicking all the time when I was trying to single-click) and an external hard drive (been promising myself one for literally years). I don't want to keep spending money all the time, but these two things were long overdue. I also fell asleep immediately when I got home from the store, for about half an hour, before I even unpacked my stuff.

Been okay for the afternoon. It's gorgeous outside but going out in the sun (and the pollen) makes me sleepy, so I'm staying in. Cooked dinner (which turned out lousy, unfortunately) and ate, and been backing up my stuff on my new HD and clearing some space on the computer. Still need to enter all my data and make my charts. Not sure if I'll make it today...

Tomorrow we have another fucking field trip (one per week, hooray). This one is on a boat (that will be fun) and we have to leave work at 7.45 to make it. Then I get to leave work a bit early to go observe at this school I want to work at. Then Tuesday I leave work early again to go give my demo lesson at that school which will determine whether I get the cushiest job of my life... Wednesday I normally work 8.5 hours (7.30 to 16.00) but this week we have our year-end party with the parents, which means I'll be there until at least 6 pm. Then Thursday I have another job interview at a preschool.

My primary goal this week is simply to get through it all without tranquilizers. If I crack on Wednesday and need to take a pill, though, I won't be too hard on myself. These parties are always on Wednesdays, when I'm the only person there from 7.30 and have the longest work day, and they are always nightmarish. Generally they end with me hiding in the bathroom crying and then being totally fucked up for the rest of the week (lots of ear pain even from small sounds, sudden attacks of anxiety, meltdowns, etc.).

Wish me luck, guys.

[XXSockXX]

If you ever get the opportunity to try again, just add sugar water. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Will do. I have avoided the stuff for a long time, because I overdid it a bit.

What do normal people do? Do normal people just not have these problems? Are they really good at hiding them? Am I supposed to be hiding them? I feel like everything about me is just an annoyance to other people. Like they all wish I would just stop existing so they wouldn’t have to deal with me.

You know, I'm fully convinced that most intelligent people just fake their way through a lot of social situations. Most of it is a game of reading people and figuring out what to say or do and what not say. It may not be the same for you, but you can get pretty far on fake confidence and practice.

Rather than explain my reasons, I'll let David Wong do it: http://www.cracked.com/article_15231_7-reasons-21st-century-making-you-miserable.html

That article is really good, and true.

[Orb]

I never thought there was someone like me who analyzed social behavior. I was actually surprised some of the thoughts that ran through your head ran through mine too, though at a more subconscious level.

Anyway, your entries are enlightening, and I hope you continue them. They've helped bring perspective to my own life, at least a little bit.

Spoiler: Own Advice/Rambling (click to show/hide)

After reading your thoughts, I struggled for a while to think of my own piece of advice to offer. While it may not be helpful, I suggest you look into studying psychology. You seem very interested in yourself and how you operate, and by extension, others too. However, as you may have already realized, it's really hard to get hard facts on how other people operate. "Normal" people are extremely adept at hiding how they feel, and there are so many factors in play, that learning how people tick in the "wild" is extremely difficult and gives mixed results.

To find an outlet for my curiosity, I turned to psychology and took an online class. While a lot of it was useless information such as vocabulary and the history of the study, there were little jewels in the rough that fascinated me. While interesting in themselves, they also helped clarified issues that had confounded me for weeks, even months.

An interesting facet of psychology I learned in my studies is positive psychology, which might be extremely helpful for you. Positive psychology can be summed up as "Positive psychologists seek "to find and nurture genius and talent" and "to make normal life more fulfilling", rather than merely treating mental illness".

One last thing. Something I've learned recently is that you can't over think social situations. Other people are humans too, and they don't always follow "social protocol" either. A few months ago, I was on a field trip with my school and I was having a conversation with a friend. We weren't close friends, but we talked semi-frequently. Anyway, we talked for a while on the ride there. I took no real notice of what I said, until the ride back. My friend did something a little out of place by sitting with someone else, which tipped me off to something wrong. I quickly backtracked through the day, and realized I had said a few things she could have taken the wrong way, even creeped her out a little. I decided to "collect more data" and wait to see if she would talk to me again. She didn't. Well, besides some small talk I was convinced I had scared her away. I even tried a half-hearted apology, but it seemed to make the situation worse. Then last month, in her usual sarcastic/joking manner, she was complaining to my sister about how I hadn't invited her to an upcoming party I was having. I had assumed she didn't want to go. I confronted her, and strangely enough, she acted like nothing had happened. That this whole episode I had blown up was really nothing and she hadn't even given it a second thought. We laughed about it, I invited her to the party, and everything was fine.

What I learned was that, unlike movies, changes in relationships don't happen in moments. Once people know you for a few months, they're very forgiving if you feel "off" that day, or say something that might not be politically correct. You have to take relationships as averages over months or even years of time. What I'm trying to say is, I don't really think the incident at the conditioning workshop was as bad as you think, and there was probably no harm done.

[Vector]

Hi Sappho.  I'm like you.

I don't know what else to say.  I'm 23.  Unofficial diagnosis at 19.  The information was... I always thought I was normal, but everyone else knew I wasn't, apparently.  Parents still don't know (they're also kind of like me, so dropping that bomb on them sounds like a bad idea).  I went insane, dropped out of school, etc.  Then I went back.  Still having trouble coping.  I would probably hang out with myself, but that's because at least then I'd know that we would share interests for once.

And yeah, I feel pretty worthless most of the time.  I want to be important and helpful, but, you know.  I am what I am.  I recognize that anything I can do well could probably be done better by a normal person who actually bothered to put their mind to the task at hand.

[Skyrunner]

Vector: What I find is that practically everything is like that. No matter what you do, someone else probably does it a lot better.

Then again this might be unrelated... >_>

* Skyrunner bows out

[Kirbypowered]

Also, hooray for tracking yourself hourly! Start tomorrow. : )

So, tomorrow...uh...today's tomorrow, right?

I ended up staying overnight, as usually unintentionally happens, so I sadly did not get any note taking done. A couple times I thought to take note of my mood, once during the day, neither happy nor sad, and once at night, feeling a tad depressed (as I usually do when lying in bed unable to sleep). I'll write up some copies of the self tracking sheet for myself in a moment so I can get started formally this morning. At least I got to have a day away from the computer. =)

Oh, wow. I allowed myself to play Proteus for an hour and it was just enough time to get to the "ending" though of course I haven't seen it all. That was so beautiful. I will most certainly be playing this again, and again. I will leave it on in the background whenever I'm drawing or reading. The music in it moved me nearly as much as the story in To The Moon. It actually made me cry a little.

I just wrote up a quick little review on my Tumblr to encourage others to try it out. Thanks, Kirbypowered. I might never have found this without your recommendation. http://thingsairafound.tumblr.com/post/53049474402/its-not-often-i-recommend-a-game-to-be-played

Happy to be able to recommend such a beautiful game, sort of honoured that you took up my suggestion so quickly. =P Though I guess I knew it was something special the moment I saw it. As soon as I get my new computer, I'm going to have to have a proper playthrough.

...I'm doing that thing where I sit around mulling over a post for far too long again. What has it been, half an hour now? Bleh. Time to get to those charts.

[Sappho]

Wow wow wow, so much to respond to. Please forgive me if I forget anything. I'll try to reply to everyone.

XXSockXX - Yes, I'm sure you're right. A lot of people get pretty far on faking. The problem is, faking relies even more on the ability to read people than standard social skills do. That's my difficulty. However, I do seem to have a talent for faking my way through in specific situations. Job interviews, for example. For some reason, once I get in the "interview" mindset, it's like someone else takes over for a while and I never fail to impress. Crazy hidden talent I guess.

Orb - Thanks for sharing your ideas. It might be a bit difficult for me to take a course in psychology since I've been out of university for 6 years already and I don't really have much in the way of free time these days. I definitely agree that it's interesting. I've done quite a lot of reading up on my own on psychology and neurology. I've never had much luck reading textbooks in these areas, too dense and dry, but maybe I'll find a book and give it another shot to see how it goes.

Vector - You don't have to be the best at something for it to be worth doing it. I am pretty terrible at most things, but all that really matters is whether I'm satisfied with what I'm doing. If I spend a lot of energy telling myself I'm worthless, I will feel worthless. If I spend a lot of energy finding the things that make me feel important and useful, I will feel important and useful. Does it really matter whether the result is the best possible, as long as you feel good about doing something?

Kirbypowered - Start whenever you're ready. I'm looking forward to having some more information to compare myself to. I think I'll probably play through Proteus again tonight. I'm quite likely to need it.

Today has been a rough day. Very roller-coaster-ish. Morning was horrible. Field trip was boring and stressful. Girl at work is back from her week away at school and I'm just as torn up inside about her as I ever was. I did start playing my non-disclosure game, though. I kept the conversation going by asking her about her week, and even got her to answer a few (very mildly) personal questions, though she was careful to leave out all the details.

Left work very early to go to this elementary school to observe a few classes. My mood swung up pretty quickly. This program looks amazing. I talked to some of the teachers and everything they said convinced me more and more that this would be my dream job. I'm also completely convinced that I'm exactly the teacher this woman is looking for. Now I just have to convince HER of that. Tomorrow will be my demo lesson. I think it will go well. My demo lessons always go well. But naturally I'm a bit nervous. Still, I left the school feeling good and kept that feeling all the way home.

Then I got home, turned on the computer, switched on the speakers, and discovered that the cat had destroyed the cable leading from the right speaker to the left. Last time he broke it, I managed to fix it, but this time it's beyond repair. I immediately flipped the fuck out and screamed at the top of my lungs for a minute or so. The cat was terrified and refused to come out from behind the toilet for an hour. I feel bad now, but at the time I wanted to throw him across the room. VIOLENT mood swing is the most accurate description here.

Although I managed to calm back down fairly quickly, it upsets me to realize that even when I'm in a good mood, I'm really that close to having a meltdown. I suppose at this point it must be hormones.

Anyway, today due to the chaos of the day I didn't even keep track of myself on my chart. Tomorrow I should manage it better, I think.

Now I'm off to Taiji. Hopefully I will stay positive through that and not fall asleep. I haven't felt particularly sleepy since I got to the elementary school. I suppose this supports the idea that it is really stress that is causing these fits of sleepiness. Which points to narcolepsy, because normally stress causes the opposite effect. I really must get my sleeping issues diagnosed soon so I can try to do something about them...

(Edit) Later...

Good news, everyone. Taiji went quite well. A few times I caught myself about to complain about some minor pain somewhere in my body, but I stopped myself, told myself it was nothing and I should toughen up a bit and carry on, and by the end of class I felt pretty good, no pains. Maybe if I can constantly keep myself in check this way, I can start to get rid of some of the problems which are really just the result of anxiety. Would be easier without the sudden mood swings, of course.

Now I have to get about the business of preparing my lesson for tomorrow. The woman wants a pretty detailed lesson plan, so I have to get it together. Which means focusing. Which means stopping writing this. I'm sure I'll get around to it any minute now. Should be okay, although I'm doubtful that I'll get a decent amount of sleep tonight. This is the problem with evening Taiji lessons! Home around 9 pm and I should be in bed in an hour, but I can just never get myself sleepy that quickly without sedating myself, which I'm trying not to do...

[Kirbypowered]

Vector - You don't have to be the best at something for it to be worth doing it. I am pretty terrible at most things, but all that really matters is whether I'm satisfied with what I'm doing. If I spend a lot of energy telling myself I'm worthless, I will feel worthless. If I spend a lot of energy finding the things that make me feel important and useful, I will feel important and useful. Does it really matter whether the result is the best possible, as long as you feel good about doing something?

This is actually good advice for me. I think I've thought about this many times before, but it's easy to forget. Thinking about it even makes me feel less unhappy.

Although I managed to calm back down fairly quickly, it upsets me to realize that even when I'm in a good mood, I'm really that close to having a meltdown. I suppose at this point it must be hormones.

I know that feeling only too well. I can have a calm, meditative mood completely snap into rage at the most pointless thing. It tends to disturb me. Cats and this computer are the main triggers for me, doing such minor things as knocking things on the floor
or freezing up for a few minutes.

Anyhow, I'm underway with the tracking of the behaviour. I realize I tend to stay up a bit later than you probably do (though I'm trying to change that some), so I'll have to modify the later lists accordingly, but the first one may or may not be confusing. XP

[Sappho]

Yes, of course, modify whatever you need to.

Today is my second day of slacking and not tracking myself. Just too chaotic. Not sure about tomorrow either, since it's the year-end party with parents and I'll be working 11 very chaotic hours with almost no break. I'm ready to cry just thinking about it. Got to make sure I have my valium just in case of emergency.

The good news is, my demo lesson today went excellently. After the lesson the prospective employer sat with me and told me she had absolutely nothing negative to say, she was very impressed, and then went on and on about my skills and talents for a while as I sat there trying to look humble but really wanting to shout YES, YES, I AM REALLY THAT FUCKING GOOD, JUST HIRE ME IMMEDIATELY. Apparently she has a couple more people coming in this week to do demos and she'll have a definite answer on Friday. I'm really praying she picks me. That job would be so wonderful...

In other news, it's 36 fucking degrees outside. That's, like, dangerously hot. And in an hour I meet my teacher in the park for private push hands training. I'm a little afraid of how painful it's going to be training in that heat. Even in the shade it's about 30 degrees. I'll be praying that I don't succumb to heat stroke.

Later:

Uf. You guys. I'm so sleepy. It's 21.17 and I'm super sleepy. And I didn't have any sedatives at all! I'm still in the middle of eating dinner! Tomorrow I get up at 5.30 and work for about 11 hours thanks to the wonderful party we will have with the parents. It's always a sensory nightmare and I'm taking my valium with me in case I need it, but I've been feeling pretty good most of today and I'm going to try to persuade myself that hey, maybe it will be... fun? I get to dress up as an awesome pirate, so, you know, that promises to be pretty good times even if everything else goes horribly wrong.

I wanna read some Children of Dune before bed. I will try, and see if I manage it!

It's really hard to persuade yourself that you should go to bed when the sun is still up. It feels like maybe, I don't know, 7 pm? Maybe? NOT bed time dammit.

Taiji training was good. Some clouds came and kept the sun away for a while which helped a lot. My teacher says I'm doing good. I know I'm messing up a lot, but as he rightfully pointed out, knowing what you're doing wrong is basically all you have to do, along with practicing lots. If you're aware of what you're doing wrong, you'll correct it slowly over time, and you'll get better. Right now I need to work on my STRUCTURE. When we do push hands I gotta remember to keep my head up and not bend forwards or backwards or twist around my waist. Which partly means I need to get a bit stronger so I can resist a little more. He suggested that every morning as soon as I get out of bed, the first thing I should do is 3 sets of 10 pushups. (He calls them pressups since he's from New Zealand, which is adorable. Everything about him is adorable guys. He's all tiny and curly-haired with the cutest accent ever. Also it occurs to me that I'm pretty sleep drunk right now, so be patient with my rambling.) He also said I should do 20 of another exercise whose name I can't remember, where you lean back on a chair with your legs pointed out and lower yourself down and up. And he said if I can find a bar in a convenient place I should also try to do some chin-ups when I can. These are overall strength training exercises which train your body as a whole rather than just a few select muscles like lifting weights.

Anyway, I'm going to make that another experiment. Strength training! He said with confidence that I'll notice a difference within a month, just from this little bit of exercise. So! Current experiments (need to update that first post again): B12 (still taking 1500 mcg per day, not noticing any difference), non-disclosure game (going well so far but I've only spent 7 hours at work since I started and we've been busy), and strength training. I also want to add standing (a taiji exercise that trains your structure) before bed every night. I used to do it and it always helped me sleep after. But lately I always seem to be too tired to do it. I'll try to remember tonight, at least for a few minutes.

Okay guys. That's all I got for now. Go on about your lives! Your homework assignment is to befriend at least one insect (name it, have a short conversation, watch it for a while and see what its hobbies are).

[Mictlantecuhtli]

Okay guys. That's all I got for now. Go on about your lives! Your homework assignment is to befriend at least one insect (name it, have a short conversation, watch it for a while and see what its hobbies are).

Is it odd that every insect I find inside I help it get outside and talk to it? I just don't find it in me to crush the little guys. Seems unfair.

Except spiders.