Phew. Finally seem to be better. Although a cold virus seems to have gotten opportunistic while I was weak and decided to give me a proper sniffle and rough throat, it's nothing compared to the whole "poisoned by food" thing.
Jimmy: I'm sure I could have found something that might have helped, had I been able to get out of bed, get dressed, walk down the three flights of stairs to the front door, make the (normally) 5-minute walk (in that state probably more like 20 minutes) to the nearest pharmacy, hope it wasn't already closed for the day, and present my symptoms in a coherent enough way, in Czech, for the pharmacist to give me something that might have helped. I live alone and I could hardly walk. Even if I had called a friend to deliver me something, I would have had to walk down the stairs to let them in the building, and it was easier to just rest. Thanks for the thought though. : )
Siquo: The short answer is no, probably not. I mean, you are welcome to try, but the odds of you succeeding are pretty much right there next to the zero mark. I have many reasons for this which I'd be happy to share if you're interested, but anyway thanks for the suggestion, after the experiences I've had I'll just keep on experimenting on my own.
Greatorder: Dear lord, the day I purposely inflict myself with food poisoning is the day you may chuck my ass in a mental institution for life.
So I probably could have kept notes today but I forgot all my papers at home, so I'll leave it for now. I'll scan my last page of notes when I get home today (just realized I forgot to do that) and hopefully start that again tomorrow. Also, my plan to see a doctor tomorrow will probably also have to be held up a bit, as I've been invited to my taiji teacher's house for lunch and that's not something I'm about to pass up. That plus training will pretty much take up the whole day, and I'm not desperate enough to wait in the long weekend evening emergency room line just to see how my thyroid and b12 levels are.
In fact, as the physical experiments haven't been going too well so far, I think I'm going to change gears for a while and try a psychological one instead. It's about time for that anyway.
Yesterday after work, feeling weak and exhausted and slightly delerious, I suddenly felt a burst of almost religious inspiration to clean my apartment. I did all the dishes, cleaned the kitchen counter and cooktop, washed the trash can, and tidied up and vacuumed the whole living/sleeping room. All of these things were long overdue and I've been putting them off for ages, but somehow yesterday I was able to do what I haven't been able to do for months. Just fucking DO IT and enjoy the nice clean feeling.
My reasons for not being able to do it before are split. Half of it is the lack of time. I work all day, then usually have training, then it's generally dinner then bed, with maybe a bit of reading or video games in there to relax and unwind. But even on the days I do have time, I just can't bring myself to clean. I have a mental block around it, I guess. I've been fairly depressed and very stressed out for a long while now, and I suppose I allowed my environment to reflect my inner feeling: a big ugly mess badly in need of tidying. Add to that the fact that I was never given "chores" growing up (in fact my mother forbade me from most chores because she was convinced I would screw everything up) and I just never got into the habit of spending any time cleaning.
I'm not sure exactly what it was yesterday, but somehow all those cluttering thoughts and worries just took the day off and let me get through the day. It's how I got through work (actually it was an easier day than usual, no doubt in part due to my unwillingness to get upset about anything) and it carried on when I got home and let me clean the damned place up a bit.
Now that I'm feeling mostly better I can't expect that same kind of calm to carry me through the rest of my chores. However, I've though of a couple of possible things that might help. That sort of "religious" feeling was helpful. I'm not religious to any degree, in any way, but that doesn't mean I can't get that same sort of "inspired" or "sacred" feeling that all humans are programmed to feel. Ritualizing cleaning can make it easier. I already have a lot of rituals that get me through each day (this is especially common in people with AS). I stand in the same spot each day waiting for the metro and the bus, take my keys out of my pocket at the same point each day, always glance at the mailboxes when I come into the building even though I don't have a mailbox and I know there's nothing for me there. And of course when I get home every day I greet my cat in the same exact way, then scoop him up and let him give me a "kiss" on the nose before I do anything else.
There's no reason why making a cleaning ritual wouldn't work. If I performed the same tasks every day in the same way, it would grow so familiar I'd feel uncomfortable *not* cleaning. The only difficulty would be getting it started. For this, I have a second idea.
Another common trait for people with AS is to have imaginary friends. In my case it's a habit that started when I was very young and I never saw any reason to break it. I don't have fictional imaginary characters following me around all day, but rather a sort of database in my head of all the people I know. When I'm alone, I sort of open the file on one of these people and they are "there" with me having a conversation with me. I've gotten surprisingly good at this over the years and the practice conversations (and even advice given in the way I know these people would give it) has been a huge source of help in developing my social skills and overcoming certain fears. I do get caught talking to myself pretty regularly, but I've caught so-called "normal" people talking to themselves plenty of times too, and I doubt it's as uncommon or unusual a thing as people make it out to be.
There is this girl I know who I'm absolutely infatuated with. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and an amazing person to boot. She's sort of everything I ever wished I could be, and maybe I hope I could be years from now, with enough work. The one key difference between us is that I'm a bit of a slob, and she's a neat freak.
I have had countless imaginary conversations with her because I just love talking to her. She's often "there" when I'm home alone. Using her imagined presence as a motivator, it should be easier to make myself clean up. She's told me that she's really uncomfortable around mess (I even wonder if she has some level of OCD, watching her put anti-bacterial gel on her hands constantly) and I know I would be mortified if she ever saw my apartment as it is now. If I imagine she's there, or on her way over, and I need to get the place nice enough that she's impressed (because I definitely want to impress her), I ought to be able to make myself Get Stuff Done.
So today will be the first try. I'll update details later, as I'm slightly late going back to work from my lunch break. Also one of my goals will be to update the first post today, as it is desperately needed. Wish me luck, guys!
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Topic: Sappho Experiments On Herself - And You! [Summer Vacation!] (Read 39824 times)