So, I have plenty of "well that was stupid" moments, although most of them I can't recall distinctly enough to mention or don't consider worthy of mentioning here. I
easily contribute to the relationship angst. Lemme get my notebook.
Back in eight grade there was this one girl in a bunch of my classes who was really pretty, smart, pretty, nice, pretty, not immature or gossipy or shallow or ditzy, and did I mention she is gorgeous? Anyway, point being she's flawless...well, there's flaws, but eff that she's flawless anyway.
During the first half of the year I didn't really notice her. She was just a pretty nice girl who I obviously had no reason to interact with because she was obviously highly social, nice, friendly, and a girl, and I was on the complete other side of the fence, number one roadblock being I was a guy. Occasionally she made comments to me in class, such as "why are you always sleeping?" which was brought on by me putting my head down on the desks whenever we weren't doing anything in class. I wasn't sleeping though, more of a "why keep my head up when there's nothing to look at" philosophy.
Then we get assigned a group project with her, me, and two other classmates. That at least gives us some reason to interact socially, despite my reluctance to work in groups and my dislike of said group work. We get together to work on the project and occasionally talk. Doesn't really escalate into a friendship or anything, because I just had no idea how to be socially friendly with girls, there's no clear common interests to talk about (and it's still an issue I have now.)
Oddly enough she mentioned how she had thought I hated her. I found this really weird because before now I had thought I had done nothing at all to imply that, and i very clearly said "...why would I hate you? I don't hate you, there's no reason to hate you."
Then one class I overhear her talking with other classmates. They're gossiping over who has a crush on who, etc etc. One classmate asks her about it, and suddenly I hear "You like *insert me here*?" *insert noises of surprise and girl trying to hush it up* I'm sitting off by myself, with no noises to distract me, and I swear I heard that. I still don't know whether she meant it or was saying something for the sake of saying something, but evidence suggests she may have actually for some reason had a crush me.
From there it's spaghetti city. Under the assumption that "girl likes meh oh gwad what do" I could not function casually anywhere around her. I fail miserably to even get in the friendzone with her, certainly do not ask her out or flirt or attempt anything, and eighth grade goes by with no results. I have not communicated with her since except sparingly for the last four or five years now, where I stupidly made myself look like an idiot because -spoiler alert-I developed a huge crush on her- and -spoiler alert- I am not good at emotion-relationship-thingies.
Ironically I'm under the assumption she hates me to justify any further lack of communication attempts with her; she removed me from her friends list on Facebook (the horror) despite having over 800 other "friends" and wouldn't re-add me. It's a trivial notion and deliberately not doing so seems pretty suggestive of dislike. She never so much as nodded hello in passing in high school, and at this point there's this invisible barrier of awkwardness neither of us wants to break. I swear she recognizes me, we've made eye contact several times, I assume I just creeped her out and now I'm a "creep" or whatever the hip new slang is.
I consider this to be the worst mistake I've made in my entire life so far. I completely regret it. If I could go back and could only do one thing differently for the rest of my life, I'd go back and redo that entire scenario, because the worst feeling is looking back at it and reflecting on whatever stupid possibilities there were that I skimped on.
Srsly. A girl who is literally the most perfect girl I could find in the history of evers and I completely kfucd it up. I still have a crush on her, but it's also a reason for me to me mercilessly hate myself for completely kfucing it up.
Hypothetically, I could talk to Dream Girl about it, but also hypothetically invisible pink unicorns could not be clearly defined as pink if they are invisible.
It feels good to write this out though.
Another stupid thing is that I consistently misspelled eighth as eigth during the entire writing of ye olde text wall.
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Topic: When I was younger, I had a crush on a girl (Stupid things you've done yourself) (Read 2827 times)