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[Vector]

I think it's not unreasonable to expect an apology if he did something wrong, though.

[Catsup]

I think it's not unreasonable to expect an apology if he did something wrong, though.

and what did he do wrong? he flirted a bit, went his way, then decided he liked her and flirted a bit some more, she rejected him.

he moved on, found himself a better girl than her, who returned his feelings and now shes jelly.

thats how i read the situation.

[Vector]

I'm saying that, given that he hasn't said what he did--if he did something, he should apologize, and otherwise he should just move on and forget about the other gal, because it is her problem.

[Tiruin]

Agree with ^

In the very least, do it yourself. Apologize, and let the dust settle -- anything else goes, and I'm following the concept on nonconsequentialism; at least you'd have done something to end whatever makes your very existence in her proximity = anger/loathing.

I mean, surely nobody would refuse someone who requests a 'wait, can we talk please?' kind of gesture.

[Trapezohedron]

Any advice?

Tell your current girlfriend what's going on. Explain to her openly and honestly that there's a girl with whom you used to share a crush, but whom you never asked out, and who is now angry and envious because you didn't. Explain to your current girlfriend that you're telling her this because you value her, and are glad that you asked her out instead of this other girl, but nevertheless this situation exists. Explain to her clearly that you're not breaking up with her, you're not cheating on her, and that you're telling her all this because it's important for her to know, you want her to be your girlfriend and are happy that she is, and because this sort of situation sometimes goes horribly wrong and you want to avoid anything going horribly wrong. Then truthfully answer any questions she has.

That's my advice.

LB's advice is sound. It's your ex-crush's fault for not being able to move on. Thus, you should make ensuring the future the main priority, and not repairing the past.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't clear it with the former crush. I'm just saying that you should make things clear with your girl because, God knows what would happen if she were to hear the wrong news.

[Vector]

I mean, surely nobody would refuse someone who requests a 'wait, can we talk please?' kind of gesture.

This definitely isn't true >_>


Look, dudes, I think that given that we know nothing about the situation it's not fair to say "it's the other person's fault for failing to get over it."  There's a lot of shitty stuff one can do to a human being where you can't say "Well, it's their fault for not getting over it."  A really, really obvious example, blown out of proportion for the sake of argument, is torture.  A somewhat less obvious example is, I dunno, persistent emotional abuse, of which I'm not accusing the OP but I think that for the sake of clean argument we have to adopt a discourse that is open to various possibilities.

After I broke up with my first boyfriend, I had nightmares and panic attacks for two years.  Then he finally apologized, and they went away completely.  That was that.  I have a hard time, given everything at hand, saying that was all my problem.  I think that for the sake of the various people potentially reading this topic that we should keep the door open.

[AlleeCat]

I think it's not unreasonable to expect an apology if he did something wrong, though.

and what did he do wrong? he flirted a bit, went his way, then decided he liked her and flirted a bit some more, she rejected him.

he moved on, found himself a better girl than her, who returned his feelings and now shes jelly.

thats how i read the situation.

I can't see how you would interpret it this way. From what he said, she disliked him before he got a new girlfriend, so she couldn't be mad at him for dating someone else.

But the girl I used to like hates me now because of what I did.

Plus, frankly, no matter what happened, basically saying "fuck your feelings get over it" is a pompous, naive thing to do. You don't know how she feels, and you won't unless you talk to her about it.

[Flying Dice]

Basically the crux of the matter is that we don't know what it was the OP did. The proper course of action depends fairly heavily on that.

[LordBucket]

Look, dudes, I think that given that we know nothing about the situation it's not fair to say "it's the other person's fault for failing to get over it."  There's a lot of shitty stuff one can do to a human being where you can't say "Well, it's their fault for not getting over it."  A really, really obvious example, blown out of proportion for the sake of argument, is torture.  A somewhat less obvious example is, I dunno, persistent emotional abuse, of which I'm not accusing the OP but I think that for the sake of clean argument we have to adopt a discourse that is open to various possibilities.

...or we could simply look at what he said rather than speculating about the possibilities of torture and persistent emotional abuse.

We flirted around, chatted, etc., but I never got the chance to ask her out. Eventually, she started to ignore me, because these things end as quickly as they start. But then I made a stupid decision to try to win her back. Needless to say, it didn't work.

Now I've moved on in life. I've found a new girl, etc. But the girl I used to like hates me now because of what I did.

The simplest explanation is that the "what he did" was "try to win her back."


In any case, I simply suggest we look at this from the point of view of the current girlfriend. Imagine that you are the OPs current girlfriend, and he is preoccupied with that fact that the girl he used to want before he asked you out doesn't like him anymore, and is trying to get her to like him more instead of...for example, paying attention to you.

How would that make you feel?

[Vector]

...or we could simply look at what he said rather than speculating about the possibilities of torture and persistent emotional abuse.

There's a reason why, above, I said that this was also for the benefit of other people reading this thread and possibly not posting.  The whole "fuck her feelings" thing as a default option is pretty sucky.

The simplest explanation is that the "what he did" was "try to win her back."

Let me tell you a story.  I've got an acquaintance at this school--we'll call him K.  The following is "K's worst rejection story," as he calls it.

K liked this girl, so when they were in her apartment alone, he kissed her.  She said "I'm not okay with that," and they dropped it like it was the end of that, whatever.  Well, so he waited a couple weeks until he got her alone in her apartment again, and kissed her a second time, and she pushed him off and said "no no no no no," and tried to get him to promise that he'd never do that again, or she wouldn't let him back in her apartment.

Well, K wouldn't have any of that.  "I'll wait three years," he said, "but I'm not going to promise to stop trying."

He told me this story while laughing and laughing, and said he didn't feel bad because she had so overreacted to his advances that things had become simply ridiculous.

I'm not going to presume that the OP did something similar, but I'm pretty sure K owes this girl an apology, and "continued to pursue someone after she was disinterested" can come under a lot of different guises.  How bout we don't make too many presumptions.

In any case, I simply suggest we look at this from the point of view of the current girlfriend. Imagine that you are the OPs current girlfriend, and he is preoccupied with that fact that the girl he used to want before he asked you out doesn't like him anymore, and is trying to get her to like him more instead of...for example, paying attention to you.

How would that make you feel?

If he did something wrong, then he has an obligation to her to set it right.  It doesn't matter how jealous I felt, I'd take care of it because like hell I'm going to be an obstruction to my young fellow's moral behavior.

*shrug*

Putting it in terms of "she doesn't like him anymore" is a bit mendacious.  She hates him.  That's not simple dislike, that's something else, and if there's a story behind it I'd definitely want him to take care of it.

[Trapezohedron]

Hmm, well, yeah. It's absolutely horrible to leave loose ends. But here's hoping OP tells his current girlfriend the situation, or maybe his current girlfriend might feel jealous because he's (in her POV) neglecting her to fix his wrongs with his past love.

Some people are just too much of the jealous type to actually think about others in a whole "big picture" situation.

[dree12]

I'd like to reiterate my thanks for all the advice that has been put through here. Although it's clearly not conclusive, as there are several opinions on how best to address the situation, it's been illuminating and will hopefully put me on the right track.

What exactly did you do? Because with what you've said so far it seems to me like she should just suck it up.

I did what I said I did, and nothing more. I'm not going to blame her for this mess though.

Let me tell you a story.  I've got an acquaintance at this school--we'll call him K.  The following is "K's worst rejection story," as he calls it.

K liked this girl, so when they were in her apartment alone, he kissed her.  She said "I'm not okay with that," and they dropped it like it was the end of that, whatever.  Well, so he waited a couple weeks until he got her alone in her apartment again, and kissed her a second time, and she pushed him off and said "no no no no no," and tried to get him to promise that he'd never do that again, or she wouldn't let him back in her apartment.

Well, K wouldn't have any of that.  "I'll wait three years," he said, "but I'm not going to promise to stop trying."

He told me this story while laughing and laughing, and said he didn't feel bad because she had so overreacted to his advances that things had become simply ridiculous.

I'm not going to presume that the OP did something similar, but I'm pretty sure K owes this girl an apology, and "continued to pursue someone after she was disinterested" can come under a lot of different guises.  How bout we don't make too many presumptions.

To help clear things up, I did nothing remotely similar to that. I never even approached her moreso than trying to converse with her a few times. If it makes things any clearer, I could have done what I did with a complete stranger and not gotten this type of backlash. The backlash was probably not because of what I did, but rather how I couldn't take a hint. For that I am deeply regretful, but I do not feel I am deserving of being compared to such a person.

I think what I'll do is let the dust settle for a while. From what's been said here, it seems that talking it through would be overstepping my boundaries. The mess right now is superficial, and trying to work it out would probably make it worse.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

What exactly did you do? Because with what you've said so far it seems to me like she should just suck it up.

I did what I said I did, and nothing more. I'm not going to blame her for this mess though.

You are being vague. I have no idea what you did based on "I tried to win her back".

[Trapezohedron]

Due to being vague as heck, I'm going to assume you forced yourself on her when things got charged up.

Seriously, you might want to elaborate on "Did what I said I did", as it's not helping anyone.

[dree12]

Due to being vague as heck, I'm going to assume you forced yourself on her when things got charged up.

Seriously, you might want to elaborate on "Did what I said I did", as it's not helping anyone.

I talked to her. She hinted at me to stop, quite bluntly eventually. I kept trying to make conversation with her.

That's all I did.