Turn One Hundred and Twenty FiveLevel Four of the Temple of Sef"Ah. I realize that you are confused, Tackov, but would you please let me lead the way? As demonstrated, there could be all manner of traps ahead."
Extinguish Tackov's burning hair if at all possible, then place him in an inconspicuous location where God's unlikely to see him. Arrange him in a compromising enough position that God's unlikely to want to look at him as well.
…Seeing the naked burning Tackov before him, Gervedder remembers his fire marshal training, and attempts to smother the flames. He leaps onto Tackov’s head! Unfortunately the sudden gust of wind this creates merely spreads the flames further, and soon Gervedder himself is ablaze, all of his clothing alight with a fierce burning, which is indeed so fierce it burns itself out before he suffers a great deal of fire damage. Tackov's hair burns itself out too, and he becomes entirely bald, and thus slightly less of a fire hazard.
One Tackov-problem dealt with, Gervedder addresses the next: the likelihood of God smiting the eejit mage down with lightning as punishment for his many and filthy sins.
…The only thing that seems reasonable is to strap the naked man to his back with some nearby rope and head at great speed away from God,
…hoping that the full frontal nakedness on display behind Gervedder (and, indeed, in front of him, depending on whose full frontal nakedness you might wish to see) disrupts His pursuit.
Extinguish the headflame! Don the bodyrobe!
…His headflame already thankfully burnt out, Tackov realises he is tied to a naked messenger's back, and is also entirely naked himself, again. He is just about to whip his bodyrobe out of his inventory and fashion it into a crude loincloth when Gervedder cries out that he must remain naked to repel God's vengeance so, not wanting to lose his precious bodyrobe, he quite logically throws it over Gervedder's head and begins making it fast.
Alas! For Gervedder is currently running naked down a trapped stone corridor wielding a burning axe and a formerly burning nudist; and he is also blinded by Tackov's loincloth.
Yet he fails to see how this could possibly go wrong, and sprints heroically forth.
Action: Rules lawyer! Piercealgroining headbutt is technically a missile attack, and Lady Foxglove dodges the first missile hit on every turn!
Also, complain to the deity! Loudly! Baa!
”Baa!” bleats Lady Foxbaa, presumably to God, or the GM, it’s not clear.
”Baa!”… ”NO IT BLOODY ISN’T. LOOK, HAVE ANOTHER ONE!”Suddenly a groin materialises out of thin air and headbutts Lady Foxglove in the face, rather bruising it. She looks rather put out, as much as a sheep with a bruised face can.
”Baa.””WELL YOU ASKED FOR IT. A GROIN IS ONLY A MISSILE ATTACK IF SHOT OR HURLED. BUT ANYWAY. I LIKE YOU, FOXGLOVE. NO, NOT LIKE THAT. NOT INTO SHEEP. BUT I DO, SO I WILL PERMIT YOU TO HAVE YOUR SAY.””Baa! Baa baa baa baa: baa baa!”… ”VERY WELL. I SHALL GRANT YOU YOUR MANIFOLD REQUESTS. YOUR WOOL SHALL GLOW LIKE THE MORNING SUN, AND YOU MAY HAVE YOUR HAIR BACK, TOO. IN SEVERAL WEEKS AN EXCEPTIONALLY BOUNTIFUL HARVEST SHALL DRAMATICALLY LOWER THE PRICE OF GREEN TEA IN CHIANA. BUKKAR SHALL BE SMITTEN BY TRAGIC INCOMPETENCE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY AND I SHALL STRIVE TO REMEMBER HIS HIDEOUS DISEASES. I SHALL LET YOU ATTAIN IMMORTALITY OR FREEDOM FROM TAXES SHOULD YOU REACH SUFFICIENT HEROHOOD. YOU SHALL MEET A TALL DARK AND HANDSOME STRANGER WHO MAY WELL FEEL PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU. I AM NOT SURE ABOUT BEING ABLE TO MAKE MORE THINGS HAPPEN MORE FREQUENTLY; I AM ONLY OMNIPOTENT. ANYTHING ELSE WHISLT I’M AT IT?”Just then Lady Foxglove’s wool begins to glow, like the morning sun rising over the misty hills of Salop on a clear winter’s day; just as suddenly her sheep’s head sprouts a great quantity of black and silky and perfectly coiffed hair, and Bukkar, hitherto standing completely still in fuming wonder, trips over his own feet, and crumples to the floor, like an eejit.
Appeal Lady Forxworth's rules lawyering! Use my drunken bar contacts to find a good defense lawyer of sorts.
Wait a minute...
Pick up the nearest uninjured person - or the sheep - and use them as a trap detection system while I use swearcholocation - echolocation via the sheer volume of my own cursing - to find me head.
"God?" says Bukkar, warming up into a right frenzy of lawyerness.
”YES?”"It's not bloody fair. I hit that woman fair and square in the face with my gro-"”INDEED. THAT IS WHY I HEADBUTTED HER WITH A SECOND GROIN, FOR HER PETULANCE. WHICH REMINDS ME.”...Suddenly a groin materialises out of thin air, and headbutts Bukkar in the face!
”DON'T BLOODY WELL DO IT AGAIN.”But Bukkar pays no heed to God's warning, for he is busily off searching for his head, last seen rolling down the trapped stone corridor towards the makeshift burning nudist colony. He picks up Whiz by the waist, and holds him horizontally, much like one might perhaps use a ten foot long pole, and, beginning to swear profusely, pokes the ground and the walls and the ceiling with the wizard as he slowly approaches Gervedder and Tackov.
Bukkar swears. He swears and he swears like a sacrilegious representation of a drunken angry priest might well, and as his swearing grows greater in volume, the entire length of corridor is filled with the most distressing cacophony of echoing vulgarity, words that would make even a sailor's uncle blush.
But it seems to work!
Before getting as far as Gervedder and Tackov, Whiz calls out in the affirmative: he has indeed come face to face with Bukkar's head!
...Overwhelmed with what passes for joy, Bukkar flings Whiz in the air, bouncing him off the ceiling and sending him crashing to the floor, before picking his head up lovingly, and suddenly bursting into flames!
He'd totally forgotten about his hideous disease! The shock of suddenly burning is quite a shock: he drops the head again, and it rolls off with even greater speed, down the stony corridor!
Luckily it too is afflicted with the Burning, so it is at least quite easy to make out if you have eyes.
Current Marching Order:Bukkar's head; Gervedder; Tackov; Whiz; Bukkar; Lady Foxglove; Sylvanna.
Tackov Cedtry
Stats: D2 / S0 / M6
Status: [HP: 20/30] | [MP: 30/30]
States +1 Missile defence | -1 Melee | Naked | Bald
Whiz
Stats: D2 / S2+2 / M4
Status: [HP: 40/50] | [MP: 20/20]
States +1 Lower leg, groin, head and breast defence | Last in initiative rolls | +1 to melee attacks | +1 to crossbows | -1 to long range shooting
Gervedder Vietzo
Stats: D2 / S4 / M2
Status: [HP: 60/70] | [MP: 10/10]
States +1 Gut and chest defence | +1 Defence if moves | +1 Flaming Axe. | +1 to melee attack | Very tall | Naked
Lady Foxglove Vainglorious III
Stats: D4 / S2 / M2
Status: [HP: 30/50] | [MP: 10/10]
States +1 to Head, chest and groinbone defence | Dodges fist missile hit | +3 to initiative | +1 to missile attacks | +1 to dodge | Sheep
Bukkar Crangrom
Stats: D0 / S6 / M2
Status: [HP: 50/90] | [MP:5/10]
States +1 Free piercing groinalheadbutt attack | Vomits | Ignites | Naked | No head | -1 to dodge | -1 to dodge | +1 to melee attack | Burning
Sylvanna the Felonious
Stats: D4 / S4 / M0
Status: [HP: 70/70] | [MP: 0/0]
States: +1 to dodge. +1 to melee attack
Dronebongo: [HP: 20/20] | +1 Melee bite | 2 kick attacks
Jack the Hippo: [HP: 30/30] | Cannot bleed
Lord Squid: [HP: 20/20] | Flying
Tax Collector Golem
Name: Sylvanna the Felonious’ Possibly-phantom Tax Collector Golem]
Class: 12 Part Possibly-phantom Tax Collector Golem
Health: [HP: 50/50]
Abilities: One Head, Three Arms, Six Legs
Sheepass Golem
Name: Sylvanna the Felonious’ Sheepass Golem
Class: 9 Part Sheepass Golem
Health: [HP: 40/40HP]
Abilities: One Backside, Eight Legs. No head, so max 2 command words per turn.
Author
Topic: Roll to Dungeon Quest - It's not you, it's me. (Read 193782 times)