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[Harry Baldman]

Find a good place to take a nap - preferably an inn of some kind, rent a room until sunrise and sleep.

[Errol]

"Thankyouandgoodnight!"

Take the money. Abscond out of town with money, skull spider and considerable haste.

[Dwarmin]

Lady Foxglove rose from a nice five hour rest, her energy fully recharged-real adventurers always learned to pack as much rest in the space of a single turn as possible.

...

She would take a good long time re-presenting herself in the dressing room-powders, fluffing, perking up. She thought she'd make en excellent pole dancer, if it came to that! Not that she wouldn't excel at whatever she chose to do, naturally...

But, she felt this job would be the end of the road for whoever chose it. One couldn't earn a living on coins gathered from your chainmail g-string. The man fed and housed his 'women', but they would never have enough money to leave his employ easily, without a steady paycheck-they worked on tips. The only answer was to keep working...probably forever. This offended her religious sensibilities, and she felt he needed a proper upbraiding.

Thus, she chose to be a thief. She stuffed the hand mirror in her bodice. Hopefully it wouldn't vanish in there somehow.

...

Of course, all this brazen crime required a small prayer. She was silent as a Raven's Wing, sure, but it'd be nice if she had Ravena's Ear too.

As it is known, prayers to Lady Ravena required one to pretend they were talking into an imaginary mouthpiece, so she held up her hand to the side of her head. More advanced rituals required timed eye rolling, and gum popping.

"Lady Ravena, you there? Heyyyyy girl, uh...Goddess! Could you pretty please give me the canniness to make a fool of this peddler of flesh? Let his eyes remain dull and his ears remain listless while I purloin the riches he's gained by making women entertain men without a steady paycheck! I mean, honestly, girl. He's a total prat! He doesn't even pay his girls a fair living wage!"

Action: Re-present myself! Also, I need to steal some things. Chainmail Lingerie! A hand mirror! Cosmetics! Provisions! Spare Change! Candlesticks! Things I can pawn, because I have no money.

Also, examine the pole and see if it lives up to the reputation. Give it a few practice whirls to a hopefully imaginary audience. Then, steal the pole if possible and escape.

Use Ravena's Ear for my stealth roll to avoid waking anyone.

[Chink]

Tame more of the serfs, and have those on my side kick those who refuse to join me.

[Xantalos]

Go find companions. Explain monetary value of killing the bandit guy. He probably has loot, right?

[Toaster]

Try to sleep off the vomiting in a convenient alley.  Regroup.

[lawastooshort]

Turn Sixty Two

Take the money. Abscond out of town with money, skull spider and considerable haste.

"Thankyouandgoodnight!" cries Medha, running out of the door as fast as she can with 150 Yuros in her jangling pockets.

…She leaps onto her spider, kicks her heels, and gallops down the pre-dawn streets out of town.

”Who goes there, with such considerable and possibly illegal haste?!” cries one of the two guards at the eastern gate a minute or two later.

Find a good place to take a nap - preferably an inn of some kind, rent a room for five turns and sleep.

Try to sleep off the vomiting in a convenient alley.  Regroup.

Go find companions. Explain monetary value of killing the bandit guy. He probably has loot, right?

Not far from the eastern gate, Bukkar Crangrom is pulled, in his dung-filled barrel, into some dingy alleyway that his drunkard’s instinct seems to have located. What he sees, when he brings his eye up to his barrel’s peep-hole, shocks even this hardened veteran of debauchery.

…An entirely naked mage – a wind mage, no less – is vomiting profusely over the huddled body of someone he is sure he knows.

…The man in the foetal position, awoken most cruelly in the gutter of the sordid alleyway, is, Bukkar is all but sure, his good friend and colleague Gervedder Vietzo, although it is quite hard to be entirely certain, as many of his distinguishing features are hidden from view.

Bukkar decides to go ahead with his proposition anyway.

”Erm. Kill bandit for loot? Share loot?”

Bukkar is not sure when he last slept, so it is a little galling that he seems to be suffering from the first symptoms of a particularly nauseous hangover. He can get out no better words.

He looks away, lest Tackov Cedtry’s retching becomes contagious.

His barrel is already repugnant enough.

Tame more of the serfs, and have those on my side kick those who refuse to join me.

SERF-OFF: INITIATED!

”Hey, serfs! Do my bidding and join me!”

…”No!”

”Oh crap.”

ON TEAM WHIZ: SERF NUMBER 1

ON TEAM BURN THE HERETIC: SERF NUMBERS 2-13

FIRST COMBAT: GO!

…SERF NUMBER ONE: ELIMINATED!

SERF-OFF: TERMINATED! TEAM BURN THE HERETIC IS VICTORIOUS! YOU MAY PROCEED TO MINI-GAME TWO: BURN THE HERETIC!

”Right, you nudist heretic! Your turn… Come get burnt…”

BURN THE HERETIC: INITIATED!:

ON TEAM NUDIST HERETIC: WHIZ THE WHIZNIFICENT WHIZZARD

ON TEAM BURN THE NUDIST HERETIC: SERF NUMBERS 2-13

FIRST HERETIC BURNING ATTEMPT: GO!

…MISERABLE FAILURE!

…AWAITING ACTION...

Action: Re-present myself! Also, I need to steal some things. Chainmail Lingerie! A hand mirror! Cosmetics! Provisions! Spare Change! Candlesticks! Things I can pawn, because I have no money.

Also, examine the pole and see if it lives up to the reputation. Give it a few practice whirls to a hopefully imaginary audience. Then, steal the pole if possible and escape.

Use Ravena's Ear for my stealth roll to avoid waking anyone.

Far, far away, if distance were measured by success and not miles, Lady Foxglove is slinking through the Shining Sweetening Cock like the shadow of a shadow.

She vaults over the bannister of the main stairway, and lands and rolls without even the slightest jingle coming from her new chainmail lingerie.

She levers open the door to the Adults Only section of the barroom without even the slightest jangle coming from her newly filled new purse.

She climbs, like the child of a ninja and a spider, across the ceiling of the bar, without even the slightest smudge on her newly applied makeup.

She twirls, to an entirely imaginary audience and without the slightest trace of shame, around the newly-installed finest pole in the Eastern Marches of Nirila.

She tugs, without even the slightest audible grunt of effort, on the aforementioned pole – a pole made of solid bling and yet particularly light and easy to handle, a joy, in fact, to use.

She also tugs without seeming to notice that the pole now forms a rather vital supporting element of the structure of the Shining Sweetening Cock.

Lady Foxglove liberates the pole, uses it to vault out the nearest window, and wonders what that enormous crashing sound behind her it. She turns.

”Oh crikey.”

…Yon Shining Sweetening Cock is no more.

Item Acquired: Lady Foxglove: Masterwork Poledancing Pole

Spoiler: GM’s notes (click to show/hide)

Errol – I removed the tag “real gold” from your Yuros – this is not significant. No, really! I just hadn’t got round to it yet. I’ve also tried to rationalise the variously listed defence and damage bonuses – they should all read bonuses or penalties to defence now, which doesn’t really make sense as body parts are only targeted once you are hit, but I think I know what I mean.

Current Players:

Spoiler: Tackov Cedtry, Toaster (click to show/hide)

Name: Tackov Cedtry
Class: Level 3 Gusty Wind Mage
Status: -1 to gut defence. +1 missile defence. -1 to melee. Naked.
Health: [HP: 60/60] | The Vomiting! | Severed Guts!
Abilities: Magical Typhoon I, Wind Blast I, Wind Blast II, Wind Step I, Squishy, Sissy Slap Fight
Inventory: Minor Mana Potion x1, Scroll of Beginner’s Fireball x1, one memorised use of: Gee, Mr. Whiz, You Sure Are Fast! Mouldy Wizard Hat, bits of guts (own), You Bastard the Mangy Donkey, Cloak of Camouflage.

Spoiler: Whiz, Chink (click to show/hide)

Name: Whiz
Class: Level 3 Whiznificent Whiz Wiz(ard)
Status: +1 to lower leg defence.  -1 to social interaction. +1 to balancing. Naked. +2 to defence (one turns).
Health: [HP: 85/85] | Giant Rat’s Tail!
Abilities: Red Carpet, Shield I, Gee, Mr. Whiz, You Sure Are Fast! Gee, Mr. Whiz, You Sure Are Fast II, Obviously a Powerful Wizard, It’ll Make You Blind!
Inventory: Crossbow, Unlimited Quiver, Raider’s Dress of Shin Protection, 37 Yuros, Fancy Clothes, Scroll of Beginner’s Fireball x1, Middling Mana Potion x1, Cutlass,  Three daggers, Minor Health Potion x3, +1 Bolt of Accuracy x4, +1 Bolt of Burning x4, +1 Bolt of Paralysis x2, Middling Health Potion x1, Carrying Serf x1 (not currently mounted).

Spoiler: Medha Correo, Errol (click to show/hide)

Name: Medha Correo
Class: Level 3 Alchemist Curse Crafter
Status: +1 to gut defence. -1 to chest defence.
Health: [HP: 85/85] | Severed Rib! | Severed Rib!
Skull Spider Health: [HP: 25/25]
Abilities: Craft Curse Grenade, Opportunistic Attack I,  Curse Crafter, Curse of the Fool, Wandering Asshole, Curse of the Curse Crafter
Inventory: Dagger, Half a dress, 73 bandages, Neckless of the Ribless, Dagger, Lock picking kit, Iron Cuirass, 241 Yuros, Crossbow, Brittle Jagged Groinbone Dagger of Good, 4 vials of human blood, 6 vials of kobold blood, Grenade of the Fool x1.

Spoiler: Gervedder Vietzo, Harry Baldman (click to show/hide)

Name: Gervedder Vietzo
Class: Level 3 Damaged Opportunistic Messenger
Status: +1 to gut and chest defence. +1 defence if moves. Filthy.
Health: [HP: 85/85]
Abilities: Just a Brainflesh Wound, Nimble Feet, This Messenger Delivers, Make Way for the Messenger! Important, Stop For Directions
Inventory: Crossbow, Unlimited Quiver, 8 bandages, 2 Yuros, Iron Cuirass, Crossbow, Gerald the Mule, Two weeks rations and a bedroll.

Spoiler: Lady Foxglove Vainglorious the III, Dwarmin (click to show/hide)

Name: Lady Foxglove Vainglorious the III
Class: Level 3 Glamorous Ravenhaired Crusader
Status: Super-presentable! +1 to head, chest and groinbone defence.
Health: [HP: 85/85]
Abilities: Ravena’s Ear, Silent as a Raven’s Wing,  Opportunistic, Honeyed Tongue, Vain, Self-Reliance
Inventory: Minor Health Potion x2, Crossbow, Unlimited Quiver, Masterwork Helm, Flying Warsquid, Lance x2, Sword, Mercenary Squidrider Uniform, Masterwork Poledancing Pole, chainmail lingerie, 32 Yuros.

Spoiler: Bukkar Crangrom, Xantalos (click to show/hide)

Name: Bukkar Crangrom
Class: Level 3 Sprayin' Ragin' Mage
Status:
Health: [HP: 85/85] | The Vomiting!
Abilities: Rage Flight, Rage Lazors I, Ass of the Flaming Foot I, Lightning Fist I, Always Looking For a Fight, Always Hungover
Inventory: Sword of Severing! Crossbow, 400 Green Farthings, Large Sealed Bling Barrel.

[Harry Baldman]

Roll away from this unusually vomitous location. Get up.

"Why would you vomit on me and not, say, on somebody else? Or just on some cobblestones? It is rather perplexing. And why are you naked?"

Ask good questions. Clean off any vomit. Wander town until sunrise, as there is clearly no shelter for those of an honorable profession here, go to herbalist's at sunrise.

[Errol]

"Nah, it's all legal! I got special permits! Some other person will come soon and explain everything, but for now, I got an appointment I ain't gonna miss! Just continue with your crappy shifts, 'cause I'm gonna save the world!!"

Charge out of the gate. Or jump over it, if the spider can do that and still be intact afterwards. Then continue charging away from the village and maneuver to a position where the others will catch up to me sooner or later.

[Dwarmin]

"Lady Ravena works in mysterious ways..." Lady Foxglove murmurs, scooting away from the scene of the crime and hopping on her squid.

She burbled away roguishly, her hair waving in the night breeze.

...

Action: Go pawn my spare lance.

Then, Lady Foxglove goes shopping for some bandages and provisions for herself and her squid for the next few days journey. What do riding squids eat? We're about to find out!

[Chink]

Equip FANCY CLOTHES and engage in counter burning operations with the SCROLL OF BEGINNER'S FIREBALL.

[Xantalos]

Lead companions to congregate with other companions.
Explain that we should go on quest to kill bandit person and they can have their pick of the loot if they come.

[Toaster]

Tackov shakes his head.  "You don't want to know."

Reacquire clothing.  Follow Gerdevver.

[lawastooshort]

Turn Sixty Three

Daybreak, somehow.

In the apparently not entirely linear time of the world of Istria, the sun is beginning to rise in the east.

There’s a vast mountain range between it and our heroes though, so it’s still pretty dark and dingy in the village of Bletchley. As two clean and dressed heroes talk and wander towards a nearby herbalist’s shop, whose herbalist is just popping outside to raise the shutters, a third is dragged after them by a serf. He is less clean, but is, presumably, dressed.

"Why would you vomit," asks Gervedder of Tackov, "On me and not, say, on somebody else? Or just on some cobblestones? It is rather perplexing. And why are you naked?"

"You don't want to know."

"I have heard tell that some of the gods are… a little puerile, and they work in mysterious ways."

"Yes... Let’s uh… let’s go with that, shall we?"

As the pair wait for the herbalist to finish his opening ceremony, Bukkar Crangrom’s dungbarrel clatters to a spiky halt. A voice emanates from within.

”We should go on quest to kill bandit person and you can have your pick of the loot if you come!”

"What about the kobolds?"

”Er.”

"Where is this bandit person?"

”Over the mountains.”

"And far away?"

”Not that far away.”

"Hmm."

”Quite near the kobolds, in fact.”

"Aha."

"I see."

Action: Go pawn my spare lance.

Then, Lady Foxglove goes shopping for some bandages and provisions for herself and her squid for the next few days journey. What do riding squids eat? We're about to find out!

In a shop next door, having pawned one of her new lances for a very reasonable five Yuros, Lady Foxglove, a colleague of the heroic trio, puts a dozen bandages and some passable provisions in her inventory and remembers her most important purchase.

"So, shopkeeper!"

She flutters her eyelids.

"Got any squid food?"

”Sure. How many days?”

…A short while later Lady Foxglove joins her companions outside the herbalist’s store, stuffing the last of four hundred live eels down her inventory.

Charge out of the gate. Or jump over it, if the spider can do that and still be intact afterwards. Then continue charging away from the village and maneuver to a position where the others will catch up to me sooner or later.

"Nah, it's all legal!“ screams Medha Correo, at a gate at the edge of town.

"I got special permits! Some other person will come soon and explain everything, but for now, I got an appointment I ain't gonna miss! Just continue with your crappy shifts, 'cause I'm gonna save the world!! I’m not a smuggler or a thief or a conman er woman or anything bad or-"

The pair of guards raise their halberds in a manner which very much conveys the idea that they don’t entirely believe the young curse crafter.

…Medha panics, leaps her enormous spider over the village wall, and flees.

After a few hundred metres she turns to look, and is rather dismayed to see the two guards chasing after her on horses that seem at least as fast as her spider’s top speed.

”Stop!” they cry, ”Stop in the name of… the name of… the… Stop!”

"Oh crap."

Equip FANCY CLOTHES and engage in counter burning operations with the SCROLL OF BEGINNER'S FIREBALL.

Back in the centre of town, Whiz the Whiznificentist Whiz Whizzard is about to demonstrate just who the hell is the most Whiznificentist of them all.

He is in the throes of a particularly violent minigame, entitled “Burn the Heretic”, and he is determined not to be on the losing side.

He pulls out a scroll, pausing only to watch as half a dozen guardsmen rush across the town square to where a violent and noisy crashing sound recently came from (a sound very much like the sound a collapsing sabotaged inn might make), and reads.

”Oh crap.”

…He surveys the damage. He gazes at the blackened corpses. He stares disinterestedly at the burning buildings on three sides of the town square. He puts his hand to his head and remarks the burning nature of his hair.

”I think that’s settle the question of just who is the most Whiznificent, eh?”

The sound of half a dozen guardsmen rushing back towards the town square is the only thing that interrupts Whiz’s content reflection.

That and the sounds of the burning and screaming inhabitants of the village of Bletchley.

BURN THE HERETIC MINIGAME: COMPLETED!

Fire Acquired: Whiz: Headfire!

Spoiler: GM’s notes (click to show/hide)

I can miniturn the rest of the shopping and bring you all together timewise, I think.

Current Players:

Spoiler: Tackov Cedtry, Toaster (click to show/hide)

Name: Tackov Cedtry
Class: Level 3 Gusty Wind Mage
Status: -1 to gut defence. +1 missile defence. -1 to melee. Dressed!
Health: [HP: 60/60] | The Vomiting! | Severed Guts!
Abilities: Magical Typhoon I, Wind Blast I, Wind Blast II, Wind Step I, Squishy, Sissy Slap Fight
Inventory: Minor Mana Potion x1, Scroll of Beginner’s Fireball x1, one memorised use of: Gee, Mr. Whiz, You Sure Are Fast! Mouldy Wizard Hat, bits of guts (own), You Bastard the Mangy Donkey, Cloak of Camouflage.

Spoiler: Whiz, Chink (click to show/hide)

Name: Whiz
Class: Level 3 Whiznificent Whiz Wiz(ard)
Status: +1 to lower leg defence.  -1 to social interaction. +1 to balancing.
Health: [HP: 75/85] | Giant Rat’s Tail! | Headfire
Abilities: Red Carpet, Shield I, Gee, Mr. Whiz, You Sure Are Fast! Gee, Mr. Whiz, You Sure Are Fast II, Obviously a Powerful Wizard, It’ll Make You Blind!
Inventory: Crossbow, Unlimited Quiver, Raider’s Dress of Shin Protection, 37 Yuros, Fancy Clothes, Middling Mana Potion x1, Cutlass,  Three daggers, Minor Health Potion x3, +1 Bolt of Accuracy x4, +1 Bolt of Burning x4, +1 Bolt of Paralysis x2, Middling Health Potion x1, Carrying Serf x0 (not currently mounted).

Spoiler: Medha Correo, Errol (click to show/hide)

Name: Medha Correo
Class: Level 3 Alchemist Curse Crafter
Status: +1 to gut defence. -1 to chest defence.
Health: [HP: 85/85] | Severed Rib! | Severed Rib!
Skull Spider Health: [HP: 25/25]
Abilities: Craft Curse Grenade, Opportunistic Attack I,  Curse Crafter, Curse of the Fool, Wandering Asshole, Curse of the Curse Crafter
Inventory: Dagger, Half a dress, 73 bandages, Neckless of the Ribless, Dagger, Lock picking kit, Iron Cuirass, 241 Yuros, Crossbow, Brittle Jagged Groinbone Dagger of Good, 4 vials of human blood, 6 vials of kobold blood, Grenade of the Fool x1.

Spoiler: Gervedder Vietzo, Harry Baldman (click to show/hide)

Name: Gervedder Vietzo
Class: Level 3 Damaged Opportunistic Messenger
Status: +1 to gut and chest defence. +1 defence if moves.
Health: [HP: 85/85]
Abilities: Just a Brainflesh Wound, Nimble Feet, This Messenger Delivers, Make Way for the Messenger! Important, Stop For Directions
Inventory: Crossbow, Unlimited Quiver, 8 bandages, 2 Yuros, Iron Cuirass, Crossbow, Gerald the Mule, Two weeks rations and a bedroll.

Spoiler: Lady Foxglove Vainglorious the III, Dwarmin (click to show/hide)

Name: Lady Foxglove Vainglorious the III
Class: Level 3 Glamorous Ravenhaired Crusader
Status: Super-presentable! +1 to head, chest and groinbone defence.
Health: [HP: 85/85]
Abilities: Ravena’s Ear, Silent as a Raven’s Wing,  Opportunistic, Honeyed Tongue, Vain, Self-Reliance
Inventory: Minor Health Potion x2, Crossbow, Unlimited Quiver, Masterwork Helm, Flying Warsquid, Lance, Sword, Mercenary Squidrider Uniform, Masterwork Poledancing Pole, chainmail lingerie, 34 Yuros, 10 bandages, Decent provisions (day) x5, Live eel x400.

Spoiler: Bukkar Crangrom, Xantalos (click to show/hide)

Name: Bukkar Crangrom
Class: Level 3 Sprayin' Ragin' Mage
Status:
Health: [HP: 85/85] | The Vomiting!
Abilities: Rage Flight, Rage Lazors I, Ass of the Flaming Foot I, Lightning Fist I, Always Looking For a Fight, Always Hungover
Inventory: Sword of Severing! Crossbow, 400 Green Farthings, Large Sealed Bling Barrel.

[Harry Baldman]

Visit herbalist and investigate claims of opening at sunrise. Once herbalist is located, look into obtaining a manual for the treatment of common (and troglodyte-related) diseases.