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[zehive]

Wtf

[Darkmere]

Okay well how do I just make it okay with letting her go?

"Just make it okay"? You don't. There's no magic wand that lets you fix emotional scars. A few of us have tried to help by telling you how we coped, but in the end, it's a process you will have to work through, for you.

Here's the gist of the thread, again, said a different way. Let's break the whole thing down into the most basic problem.

She gave you emotional support at one point. Now she does not. This won't change soon.

The simplest solution is to find someone else who will give you emotional support. That's how you "fix it", by alleviating the need for her.

Don't look for "her replacement" or something to be exactly what she was to you. Just make some friends and do something besides mourning the situation. And you can't stop mourning the situation until it's in the past. She still needs to go (that means be blocked. on everything. no backsies. You have to stick with it) until you get all your shit together and can look at this objectively. You can't look at this objectively until you have SOME kind of support structure outside of this one person.

[zehive]

Bruh moment

[GiglameshDespair]

No other options at all that dont include me being subservient to her and her will? I can't be outspoken, or actually involved?

From what I've seen, to be honest, no.

There's this huge contrast between the happier you talking about mathematics and the torn-up you talking about how you've talked to the lady.

She's stated she'll commit suicide if you leave her alone before. She talks about her other partner, no doubt knowing she'll inspire jealousy. Every time you talk to her you end up feeling bad! There's no easy path out, and it's less effort to stay in your rut of misery. But you need to move on to get better - and every time you talk to her it pulls you back.

We've tried to help to the best of our abilities, but like a drug addict - and the simile is quite accurate - it comes down to you. You need to do this, and you can do this.

[Vector]

No.

But it's not because of what she's doing.  It's because of what you're doing.  As long as you make it all about her, it is going to be you being subservient to her will, no matter what you do.  When you stop filtering every decision through the impact on you-and-her, then you will be finally acting for yourself.

I have a really hard time with this one, myself.

[zehive]

Wo ok

[Vector]

Usually making it so that you're so busy that you can't bother with thinking about her is the correct solution, yes.

You can't just draw away and sit around pining.  Draw away and give yourself something better to think about.

[Solifuge]

I'll say the same thing 90% of people who've responded to this thread have said before. Just break it off completely already, and go rebuild yourself however you've got to do that.

And to be honest, her actions have not been those of a friend, judging by what you've shared. Instead she's been emotionally manipulative, stringing you along so you stay around for whatever comfort or benefit your presence provides her, while consistently ignoring how badly she's been hurting you. That's emotional predation, not friendship.

There are people out there, who genuinely enjoy exercising emotional or physical control over other people. People who are willing to use other people for their benefit, while caring little for their well-being. There's a chance that she is one of those people. And even if not, she's as good as one right now. You need to cut her out of you life.

She will survive. So will you. And once you're on solid ground, and you don't feel horrible anymore (and if you find that you even want to talk to her then), you can consider getting back in touch at that point. But until then, just let it go.

[GlyphGryph]

And in case another voice helps get the point across.

Yes, break it off completely.
No, there's no alternative at this point. You are most assuredly incapable of any of the other options, and will be for quite a while.

Don't even entertain the possiblity of not breaking it off, or off breaking it off only temporarily. Someday you may decide to get back in contact. That's for then. For now, you break it off knowing it could be forever, because it is pretty clear that is the only thing that will work for you.

There is no alternative.

[zehive]

Anyone here play video games

[Vector]

Yeah... I've been there.

Just keep sailing, bud.  You'll probably have your brain start processing various things that were Not Okay about the relationship, and you will feel like absolute horrendous crap for a while, want to call her up and shower her with invectives (if you're anything like me), but just keep on sailing.  That's all you can do, and it's enough.

[Shakerag]

I have a different problem I'd like to bring up.

Well, a couple.

First I have this overwhelming constant sense of dread, like my life is over and I'm just waiting to die.

Second is I'm constantly suffering horrible panic attacks that seem to be increasing in severity, I have no idea why but I am. Today I was paralyzed in fear for about 45 minutes after for no apparent reason my neck tensed up and I couldnt swallow and had difficulty breathing.

Third is, its the longest day of the year. A day I've been looking forward to for the last 6 months and I can't say how disappointed I am that I'm scheduled to work all night, having panic attacks with constant eye twitching. I look forward to this because.. well some weird reasons. First among those being that I have some kind of weird seasonal affective disorder. Except all it is, is when its cold and dark I'm really depressed upset and generally all around sad. Right now I know that after today every day will just become shorter and shorter, there will be less sunlight and then we'll be getting into the tail end of summer, I dread this intensely and though I know we have months of warmth I'm genuinely scared by it.

Fourth, this girl really has been my best friend, and I know I'm going to be going the whole fall and winter, possibly this summer, possibly the rest of my life without her. I'll find someone else I know eventually, but right now... thats terrifying. And really makes me very sad. I don't know if I can handle it, I can't even handle it right now. Flashbacks, panic attacks, a strong sense of dread and fear, I have to go into work and I feel like I might just snap today. Not like I'll start screaming at someone but just sort of have my whole emotional frame bent downwards. I don't feel hopeful, I feel alone and I feel trapped, and I just want to spend time with someone important and meaningful. Not to mention everything else I've gone through, people just expect me to be okay. Maybe they dont expect me to be but they expect that I am since thats what I say since I don't want pity or concern, and I don't want to put these problems on others so they don't distrust me.

I don't know what to do, I'm just.. I'm really not feeling very good. I wish I could just be somewhere more south near the equator with less seasons and then have people I can rely on, and a job that I don't hate that actually fits me and not bagging the groceries of 50 year old slobs after counting their disgusting dirty cans, coming home every day feeling sick and depressed and unhappy. I'm really, really not doing very well right now.

Are you in school right now?  Because if so, the job thing will (potentially) improve along the way.  Hell, I had to work at a Subway (two of them for a short while) for 6 months after getting my master's degree before I could get something more career-ish.  You may even possibly be able to look for a job in warmer climates.

As for the rest of it?  Frankly, regardless of whatever motivational fluff everyone else tells you, things may or may not get better.  You can get crapped on at any point in your life.  Whether you decide to continue through it to see if it will get better or not is up to you.  I know people that, despite their best intentions, their lives have just gotten shittier and shittier with each passing year due to things out of their control. 

Identify some goals and shoot for them.  Sometimes (as in my case) it's as simple as making it through the day so you can drink and do something interesting for an hour before crashing.  Maybe something a little more long term.  If you don't have any goals ... then that may be a bit telling.  If what you need to get through to achieve those goals is disproportionate to the reward of reaching said goal ... that may also be a bit telling as well. 

[XXSockXX]

....

Well, what can I say... Some of the problems you're describing are definitely not related to the breakup situation. You are in a situation where you are unhappy with your life in general and worry about your future. When I'm in a situation like this I worry deeply too, when it's stressful enough I may even get depressed and have panic attacks. Usually these feelings pass. And after a while you realize that self-doubt is your own worst enemy.
The longest day of the year...I had almost forgotten about that. Here summer has barely even begun and it's gonna be relatively sunlit til October or so. I'm a nightowl anyways, but I've never quite understood seasonal mood swings. A snowy winter morning can be quite as sunny as a summer day sometimes.
I understand that you feel dread and emptiness with what you thought was your best friend gone. But from what you wrote previously, I don't see how you could be any happier with her more prominently in your life. You'll get used to the emptiness, and as dark as that sounds, that will make you stronger. And things are going to get better. You will find other opportunities and other people. Other people help a lot too, even if it's just someone to have a decent talk with once in a while. If you can, try to find some people to casually hang around with, several people if possible, so that you don't have to rely on a single person too much.
Actually, that breakup I mentioned earlier, I had some friends around, but I spent like 6 months stone-drunk. Can't recommend that really. Also threw myself into lots of relationships that didn't work out, because if you aren't emotionally ready for something, it won't work. So maybe learn from my mistakes and don't try that.
And you know what, a girl that turned out to be less than a footnote in my life once broke up with me quoting Nietzsche's immortal worlds: "what does not kill you makes you stronger". And she was right.

[zehive]

Ugandan knuckles amirite

[XXSockXX]

Um yeah, then it's no surprise you're feeling like this. Supressing emotional conflicts isn't a way to happiness. Sometimes things don't just fall into place and you have to make some changes yourself.