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[Vector]

Bro, you are going to be all right.  You love mathematics, and mathematics will take care of you.

. . . I still feel so weird saying things like that without any irony, but I know you understand.

[Darkmere]

I think that's the first genuinely excited thing I've heard from you in this thread... which is pretty awesome, so definitely stick with it.

I'm also a bit jealous, it was long after I'd abandoned trying to study math that I figured out it was more than just repetition. No one in 14 years of school had spent any time teaching us the actual theory behind what we were doing... coz real math is being a calculator just like real literature is memorizing Shakespeare by rote, right?... Right?? 

[zehive]

Wow ok

[zehive]

Dude dude af

[Vector]

How did she contact you this time?

Tell her you don't want to talk to her, and then block her there.  If she keeps trying, then feel vindicated.  That is a sign that there is clearly Something Fucking Wrong with her and she has continued to cross your boundaries despite clear communication.

You were feeling a lot better, so remember that and keep going forward.  If you're feeling better, then that's a clear sign that you're doing the right thing.  So keep it up!

[Darkmere]

Heh, yeah. There's a huge difference between you being you (being excited about math) and you being the you that's defined by her (being pissed off). You told her you needed time to yourself, and she responds by pushing back to see how much power over you she still has. You told her you're uncomfortable with a situation, she shoves that situation in your face. I don't think you should respond to her again, it doesn't seem worth the hassle. Blocking her from everything (everything, for real) might still be in order, yeah?

[zehive]

Kill normals

[XXSockXX]

I don't know, tonight I went for a hike and sat around playing my harp and watching the sky and the sun set and shit and wishing she could be there with me and how nice it'd have been if she was, felt sad, went home and shit, got on facebook and she started messaging me after awhile and then she's uploading pictures of her and all her guy friends and dude and talking about dude and the con and going on about it, and suddenly her and the entire idea of her turned very sour in my stomach, like every ex who I've ever had that still stings in the back of my mind leaving this sickly taste in my mouth, and then I realize that I don't know how I could ever fully trust this girl again, and I realized that when she started talking to me I felt lethargic and unwilling to do anything I needed to do to be healthy and productive. Today I went out, bought myself a nice new outfit that looks professional and classy, some new clothes, I've been taking better care of myself and now that I'm speaking to her she's seeping back in like depression, all because of her relationship with this fucknut and her decision to pursue it. I'd like for her to be a part of my healthy life, but she can't be for awhile.

You kinda sound like you're thinking a bit clearer now.
I'm gonna be brutally honest with you. Getting over a destructive relationship can take a long time. Do not expect this to get better or easier in a few days or weeks. You will feel like shit very often, but it will get better in time.
After the worst breakup of my life, which may be somewhat comparable to your situation, though I guess mine might have happened in worse circumstances, I needed 6 months to get my life back on track. This was pre-computers/cellphones for me, so breaking contact was easier, though I lost like half my social circle in the process. I talked to her again about 3 years later, she contacted me to half-heartedly apologize. That brought some closure for me, not that her apoplogy mattered, but life hadn't worked out so well for her, so that was something. About 6 years later I noticed that I hadn't thought about the whole thing in a long time. Now, almost 15 years later, I occasionally run into her, and I'm so over it that it isn't even awkward anymore having some shallow small talk. I am glad that I got rid of her though, she apparently repeated her behavioral patterns and burned through 3-4 boyfriends and a marriage since then.

[zehive]

Radical frog

[Vector]

Yeah... go to your settings and put her on your actual block list.

Don't worry.  I've waffled back and forth in my day.  You aren't a lost cause, but you will probably feel better once you actually get some longer time away.

[XXSockXX]

I know.. I really wish she didn't care for me as much as she says she does so it'd be easier to just move on. Like, tonight she was telling me again how special and important I am to her and all of her friends, every single one, at the very least knows who I am. At the very least, she says. And that she hopes I never stop being her friend or stop speaking to her for like, ever, I asked why, and what she had to say is 'Thats extremely silly, I would be incredibly upset and sad'.

Well, she may care for you, but obviously not in the way you would like her to care about you. Maybe she's trying to manipulate you to get your attention (that is what it sounds like to me), maybe she really wants to be friends. But for you it's better not to try being friends with her as long as you have feelings for her. As long as the image of her with somebody else in your head is still sickening, that's not a basis for a friendship. These feelings will go away at some point, but it takes time, and by then you may not even care about being friends with her anymore. Anyway, you need some time on your own, just to prove to yourself that you can do it. Have some other experiences and let some time pass, things will look much better later on.

[zehive]

Muh shoelace

[Shakerag]

Calculus is the best.  I fucking love calculus.  You get to do limits and derivations and once you get the rhythm, it's really soothing.

And soon, you'll get to some really beautiful theorems, too.  Stuff that seems impossible, but will show you something new.  It's going to be great.

. . .

Sorry.  I am kind of manic about mathematics.

No dude I understand, me and my aunt were sitting there going over Calculus and she's all excited and then she explains another idea to me and I'm like 'Thats super fucking cool.', to which she responds 'I KNOW!'

Oh god, not more of you.

I didn't understand much of what I learned in Calc I until part-way through Calc III.  I (foolishly) took the math-heavy path when I was getting my Computer Science degree.  Discrete math is pretty cool, but the rest of it (calc, linear algebra, numerical analysis) can go screw itself. 

I don't even know what this means anymore:  "Polynomial interpolation, numerical solutions of nonlinear equations, least squares approximation by polynomials, orthogonal polynomials, economization of power series. Numerical integration including quadrature formulae, adaptive quadrature, composite quadrature formulae, and Romberg integration. Numerical methods for initial value problems including Taylor series methods, Runge-Kutta methods, and multistep methods. Extensive use of computers."

If that sounds like it would get your motor running, then be my guest.  Becoming a math major is one way to ensure you don't have time to deal with this girl >_>

[zehive]

Turkey trot

[Darkmere]

Every night I wobble between fully blocking her everywhere and being her friend again, having a hard time choosing which.

Every time you talk about interacting directly with her, she's made you feel like shit. Every time you talk about her without direct interaction, there's lots of vague maybes and what ifs and used-to-bes. Reality hasn't changed, she's still with the other guy and will still continue to fuck with your head if you let her. Ultimately, though, it's your choice to stay in the hellhole she puts you in.