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[ChairmanPoo]

I'm not okay with being a fallback guy. She can't just redesignate me on a whim, especially after everything we've been through together and everything we've promised each other, all of which has just been basically tossed away along with all of the trust I had in her. I'm not okay with her just willy-nilly replacing me for this other guy, I have way more self respect than that, and it's clear she doesn't have that respect, if any, for me. If she loved me in any of the ways she had said and shown none of this would have happened or still be happening, so it's getting to the point where I'm just regarding everything she's said and everything she continues to say as nothing more than lies fueled by a need for attention and an extreme clinginess.

I think you had the right idea back then

[zehive]

8

[zehive]

N

[Shakerag]

So ... why wouldn't just stating your feelings and questions about her feelings in a no-bullshit-or-beating-around-the-bush way work? 

[zehive]

Wow

[Shakerag]

I just hate that theres such a huge uncertainty, like if I could just have it be okay then that'd be good. I mean if she's put off sex because of promises to me and wants me and needs me and everything thats been said it seems like we might as well be together, but theres this big stupid uncertainty because despite all of that she's still uncertain.

So that's why you ask direct, unambiguous questions until things are certain? 

I mean, because otherwise you seem to be describing a lost cause.  "I can't talk to her now, only later.  Even if I talk to her now, nothing positive will come of it.  However, if I talk to her later, she'll be with other dude." 

That sounds like a lose-lose to me, man. 

If you don't/can't do anything now, and don't want to drop the whole thing, and are okay with knowing you're going to be fretting/worrying/uncertain over this for a time to come ... that's your decision to make then.

[zehive]

Chr

[Shakerag]

I'm not okay with any of it, and I don't want to drop her, so I have to talk to her about it. With direct and unambiguous questions. It's just, do I wait for the month its going to be until we see each other in person again, at which point it could be too late, or do I do it soon and run the risk of having nothing change for the better? Is waiting also bad because by then she'll be used to not seeing me, good because it shows her I'm healthy and competent and she'll be excited to see me, is doing it soon bad for the opposite of those reasons? I'm just so unsure of whats right.

I mean, I just feel utterly incompetent. I don't even know what direct and unambiguous questions to ask to begin with

You apparently have some issues with making decisions. 

Look at your first choice.  You have:
-Wait until later, when it's possibly too late
-Now, with risk of having nothing changing for the better

Which of those two has potentially more serious consequences?  Is one more of a risk than the other?

In regards to waiting, I can't help you.  That's going to depend on her and what she is looking for/values.  You've got to make that call as you're the one who knows her best.

As for what questions to ask ... -_-  Try this.  When you're thinking about this person, and all this uncertainty is swirling around in your head, what questions do you keep thinking about?  What questions really need answers for you to calm the fuck down?  Start there. 

[zehive]

Omosomes

[Shakerag]

But they're both so evenly balanced. Waiting means I'm stressed out about it longer but it gives me more time to calm down myself and be cool and level headed, and it offers a clear long term solution and definitive proof that I'm healthy and capable. She also knows I'm not okay with her dating this other guy, so if she does I guess that helps to show she has no qualms about hurting me and going against my wishes and that would show that trying to jump the gun and do it now would be futile anyway. And assuming she doesn't get involved with him in this time i'll then be confronting her about this in person after hopefully having a good time with her and her seeing physical proof that all of her doubts are wrong. I guess I'm just primarily worried about this guy coming to see her before I do since his family is rich as fuck and he's getting a free pass from his dad for a summer job in a factory pulling down double of minimum wage doing practically nothing and with no required effort to get it at all, but I guess I don't really see how thats entirely possible for him and she won't even have a car herself until she gets a job.

I'm just nervous, and I keep fluctuating between feeling fine and being utterly dejected and depressed and heart broken and lonely as shit and desperate, and feeling all fucking aweful because I'm nowhere near to my comfort zone, I hardly even have a working internet connection right now to talk to my friends. But maybe waiting is best, and if she dates him.. well theres many other people out there, she's incredibly special to me, but some how some day someone just as special will come along, and her dating him is a clear sign she doesn't actually care that it bothers me.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you're a fucking wreck. 

You.  Worry.  Too.  Much.
Or, at least, you do significantly more worrying than action.

If you are this wound up over the situation, and you're that crazy about her, then just contact her ASAP and put ALL your cards on the table.

"Hey so-and-so.  Ever since you moved away (or whatever) I've been beside myself with worrying about you, and I realized just how badly it hurts for us to be apart.  I'm crazy about you, and I want you to be in a monogamous relationship with me."

Is that really so hard to say?  If it *is* hard to say, do you think you need to re-evaluate your feelings for so-and-so? 

Regardless, I think if you just sit around with your thumb up your ass and keep worryingworryingworrying and not -doing- anything, she could get the feeling that you're not interested in her because you're not making any effort to show that to her. 

tl;dr - if you CARE, then DO, not WORRY

[zehive]

Ok

[Vector]

Bud, you guys are way too codependent.  Both of you need to learn to be alone if you want to be together.

[zehive]

Sux

[Shakerag]

Well, what she said is she's really very confused right now and just can't answer that because she simply doesn't know by how confused she is, and I guess thats just her answer for better or worse right now.

Not the best outcome, but not the worst either. 

Do you feel better now?

All I can really say now is that if you're going to continue to be crazy about this person, to just be supportive when she's looking for support, and back off when she's looking for space.  The ball seems to be pretty much in her court now, so you've just got to decide how long you're willing to wait for a reply.

[zehive]

Do I feel lucky