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Author Topic: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin  (Read 78136 times)

snjwffl

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #180 on: August 26, 2013, 09:25:49 pm »

Mithril spears? I'm not familiar with masterwork, but how are they only causing bruises? Isn't mithril supposed to be extremely awesome in general Fantasy?
I like the update, though.
I think the armor is made of mithril.  The spears are pushing on the metal armor, causing bruises.
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Broseph Stalin

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #181 on: August 26, 2013, 10:27:51 pm »

I think the armor is made of mithril.  The spears are pushing on the metal armor, causing bruises.
Spot on.

Meph

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #182 on: August 27, 2013, 10:02:13 am »

Quote
wooden but the moved quite
the = they.  ;)
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ShadowHammer

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #183 on: August 27, 2013, 01:33:33 pm »

Mithril spears? I'm not familiar with masterwork, but how are they only causing bruises? Isn't mithril supposed to be extremely awesome in general Fantasy?
I like the update, though.
I think the armor is made of mithril.  The spears are pushing on the metal armor, causing bruises.
Oh.
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Broseph Stalin

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #184 on: August 27, 2013, 07:14:14 pm »

Quote
wooden but the moved quite
the = they.  ;)
I actually let surprisingly few typos in this section this time.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2014, 11:26:39 pm by Broseph Stalin »
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Broseph Stalin

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Dumplin Lakewanders and the Worst Dwarf in the World
« Reply #185 on: August 28, 2013, 03:00:59 pm »

   Dumplin clutched Obok to her chest and fought back tears as the spears struck her back in rapid succession. She listened to the chorus of cracks and pops as the weapons slammed into her beating a terrifying rhythm against her armor and her battered spine. Each volley lifted her just a bit off the ground and brought her head to rebound against the stone floor. A supernatural toughness from years laboring in Arrowstockades was all that preserved her. An ancient instinct to protect her child was all that kept Obok in her grasp. She rebuffed the baboons who came to her aid, it was serendipitous that Obok had not come to harm and if she fell a second time neither she nor he would be so fortunate. Every trial she'd faced seemed like an insurmountable wall she was destined to climb but this was somehow different. This was not a wall put in her path it was a wall she was lined up against for execution. She was not being caged, attacked, or tortured, the overseer had tired of his wicked game and Dumplin was simply being killed.  Each time the spears struck her the darkness at the edge of her vision claimed a bit more ground and soon she would give in. Dumplin Lakewanders felt herself dying.

   “I can't take anymore!” Vakun's scream drew her attention.
Unable to see the spears she'd resorted to covering her face and trying desperately to shrink her profile. The abuse was taking it's toll and she would not survive much longer.
   “Stodir!” Dumplin cried through the pain. “You're the toughest, cover Vakun!"
Even in this bleak hour the baboons were her responsibility. Though she may not survive the danger room there was a possibility the Overseer would spare the rest of the baboons when she was out of the way.
 
Stodir expertly parried and dodged a few spears, and the ones he couldn't negate he mitigated. The strikes harmlessly deflected off of the thickest parts of his armor as he fought across the room to stand near Vakun. He deflected a few spears from their paths and moved her from the paths of a few more but Stodir was not perfect in his art. In moving her from the path of an incoming spear he moved her into the path of another he had not seen. The strike caught her off balance and she collapsed, her helmet falling off.
   There was no chance to act before a spear struck her throat. A plume of blood followed the weapon into the air and pooled on the floor dripping down into the traps inner workings. Degel without thinking tore off one of his gauntlets, lunged down to tightly grip the wound.

   “Cover him!” Dumplin screamed. “He can't let go of her neck!”

The baboons piled on top of Degel ignoring the blows and trying desperately to ensure he Degel could maintain his position while even more desperately trying to slow the bleeding. Stodir plucked a bolt from his quiver, charged the door, and began stabbing at hinges. The sturdy stone door lacked the fracture strength of a metal one and at it's weak hinges could be easily dismantled. The brilliant black stone began falling apart in chunks as the steel bolt chipped away at it.

“Open this door!” He bellowed. “Open it or I'll destroy it!”

Just as he began to make progress here was a bassy mechanical groan as the spears stopped. Dumplin failed to find her feet but scrambled to Vakun's side. The door unlocked and flew open, a cyan fist knocked Stodir to the ground. “Vandal!” Feb barked. His armor mythical adamantine and his helmet artifact steel the One Eyed master of the fortress guard ordered his confederates to drag Stodir to the cells.

“Her throats slashed!” Degel sobbed with crimson teardrops streaming down his face.

Feb One-Eye looked perplexed for a moment. “Knock her in a bin,” he shrugged.

Broseph Stalin

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Dumplin Lakewanders and the Worst Dwarf in the World
« Reply #186 on: August 30, 2013, 03:25:42 pm »

Dumplin Lakewanders had done the impossible. She had accomplished what five Drow invasion forces, dozens of cavern beasts, and a lifetime of misfortune had failed to do. She had killed Vakun, the Blind Marksdwarf of Arrowstockades. All her victories meant nothing in the end and she breathed her last in an execution chamber some mad dwarf had called a training aid. It was wholly untraditional but the Baboons assembled in the crypts to bid their friend farewell. Each dead dwarf was entitled to a slab, a coffin, and a door to separate the two. Dumplin was given the task of engraving her slab. She had limited space and limited skill, and so she settled on “Beloved Friend, United With Sapphire.” She placed it in front of her coffin and stood with seven other Baboons. Stodir remained in the jail and Degel was hospitalized for the deep gashes in his hands. Both had paid for their futile effort to save her.
   Profundity escaped her so she settled on silence. Vakun was dead because Dumplin Lakewanders had made a critical oversight. She had known the Danger Room was a weapon in the Overseer's arsenal but she had not endeavored to discover what it was. Each Baboon was now to wear three leather cloaks at all times. If it became hot they were to suck it up, if it became uncomfortable they were to suck it up, if it became inconvenient they were to suck it up. The leather would provide a modicum of protection from wooden spears and some slashing attacks targeting exposed flesh.
   The Overseer had drawn first blood and he would not rest on his laurels. Dumplin spent that night studying. Instead of sleeping she crawled on her stomach through the silent crypts inspecting every engraving and decoration in the hall of the dead. She would compile a list of every cause of every death that had ever occurred in the fortress. If there was another deadly plot in the waiting she would know and she would be ready.

Broseph Stalin

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Dumplin Lakewanders and the Worst Dwarf in the World
« Reply #187 on: September 02, 2013, 06:36:25 pm »

   Animals, collapses, magma, water. These were the Overseers preferred methods of execution. Dumplin had assembled a list of every dwarf who had ever lived in Arrowstocakdes, significant incidents in their life, and had made inferences about their relationship with the overseer. Fleeing from combat, harming an asset to the fortress, failure to complete and a host of other infractions were given various weights in regards to likelihood of reprisal. Should a dwarf be killed in a cave in there was no reason to be suspicious, sometimes dwarves died in cave ins.  If a dwarf died shortly after offending the overseer then his manner of death was recorded. After working throughout the night Dumplin had identified those four as the most likely.
    If a Baboon noticed the sound of mining in an area other than the mines they were to report it to Dumplin. If they noticed strange construction with no apparent purpose they were to report it to Dumplin. If familiar stone suddenly became damp or warm to the touch they were to report it to Dumplin. If they were told to pull ANY lever they were to report it to Dumplin. If the dining hall served something that was not made of tallow or acorns they were to report it to Dumplin.
   If a Baboon suspected an attempt on their life was being planned they were to flee to the caverns. The caverns were so incredibly dangerous because the Overseer had a much looser grip on them. The Overseer sat in his fancy little office plotting their murder where a cavern beast simply planned to eat them if they drifted by. Evading the Overseer was paramount, if his focus abated they could safely return. If it did not they carried enough rations for one season and they were capable of foraging indefinitely.
   They were not to take these measures lightly, the first time they did it they may break his plans but the second he would surely be prepared. If it came to that they were to flee into the deep caverns and walk in one direction until they reached a path to the surface. Giving up had not occurred to her in the past, leaving the fortress had always been a punishment to dread rather than any kind of way out. This was bleak. It was entirely possible she and her son would be murdered. Asen could not come with her if she left. He was still more or less beneath the Overseer's ire, the fortress was still a safe place for him. The caverns on the other hand were musty and cold and Asen's weak lungs would give out if he had to march with the Baboons for months on end looking for a way out.
   She slept very little now. Vakun's death, her failure to protect the Baboons made the situation so much more real. The Baboons divided into three groups of three whose members randomly rotated, these groups slept in one of the four corners of three of the four different dorms. The dorms would be randomly selected each night before bed. If the Overseer planned to take them sleeping he they would not make it easy. If the Baboons were awoken by noise they were to report to the caverns and wait one hour. If the others showed up they were to return to bed but if they did not they were to presume the fortress demanded their blood and flee.
   Dumplin wasn't alone in her preparation. All of the baboons recognized that they were war. Athel had found a moleweasel which she taught to make noise when finely tuned senses detected danger.  Bim had used his skills as a jeweler to stud his arms and gauntlets with sharp stones. Stodir had taken two extra waterskins and a small bag to carry additional rations ensuring the safety of the baboons if they became trapped. Inod kept a few handfuls of sand in his pocket to blind anyone who managed to get within striking distance. Degel tucked a handful of bandages, a few splints, and a ball of of tree resin into the pockets of his cloaks, he would tend to any wounded quickly and with proper tools. Angzak had learned from Ashmon how to break a an enemies neck and even if caught without her weapon was wholly capable of defending herself. Tath cultivated moss in her hair and on her clothes so when she entered the forest she became quite difficult to see.

Iral had taken it to another level. He'd had affixed a dagger to his crossbow to destroy obstacles or bring down more dangerous foes with which he practiced daily. Most boldly however he had stolen a single exploding bolt from the quiver of Bembul Inkshallow, the captain of the First Marksdwarves. Designed to detonate on impact they had the potential to stat massive fires and were reserved only for master marksdwarves. The weapon was tucked neatly into Iral's boot and if the occasion came where he needed it he would be ready. Many dwarves said Dumplin Lakewanders and her motley crew were a pack of paranoid bold snuggler. None of them would say they were killed by cobras in their sleep.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2013, 08:47:46 pm by Broseph Stalin »
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Broseph Stalin

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #188 on: September 02, 2013, 06:37:47 pm »

This one is a little late, forgot it was Monday.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2014, 11:39:50 am by Broseph Stalin »
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Lalasa

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #189 on: September 02, 2013, 06:41:46 pm »

((No offense, since I'm still reading it and liking it, but I feel the quality of the story has dropped since its beginning...))
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Broseph Stalin

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #190 on: September 02, 2013, 07:02:36 pm »

((No offense, since I'm still reading it and liking it, but I feel the quality of the story has dropped since its beginning...))
There was a section of the story where I did sort of lose interest and I didn't put my best work into it. I plan on going back and rewriting the weaker bits.

edit: actually I would really appreciate it if you could tell me exactly how you feel it lost quality. As much as I love compliments I need criticism to improve as a writer.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2013, 07:05:59 pm by Broseph Stalin »
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Lalasa

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #191 on: September 02, 2013, 07:47:23 pm »

((Grammar for one, has taken a major hit since the beginning (as well as spelling).  It was never perfect, but it's not getting better either.
Plot movement has slowed down majorly and is becoming repetitive.  The last few pages are all about failed assassination attempts, sleep deprivation, and preparing for more assassination attempts.  Believe it or not, that gets kinda dull.
The beginning of the story with its dark humor about the toga was gold.  Nothing I've seen lately has that much wit. 
Sentence variety has dropped.  My English teacher's sole unit last year was varying sentence beginnings.  He was a terrible teacher, but he did teach me how stories flow much better and feel more dynamic with variety.
Dialogue feels dry and less inspired, and there's a lot less of it.  Also, length has also shortened.  This isn't a quality indicator per se, but I feel the length is starting to reflect what isn't added into the story anymore.

I hope these points will hold merit with you.  Thanks for stopping to read them.
Also "Dumpin".  If there's one thing to get right, it could at least be names.  Leave that issue to the illiterate dwarven manager. :P))
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Broseph Stalin

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #192 on: September 02, 2013, 09:42:21 pm »

My dyslexia has always been an obstacle to grammar and spelling, the reason it seems better early on is because my peeps have already pointed it out and told me to clean it up. I will never get angry at someone for showing me that I made a mistake.

The plot movement has changed throughout the chapters. Initially there was a long period where Dumplin did nothing but work, there I use repetition and monotony to demonstrate how dull fotress life was. Now I'm focusing on the battle between Dumplin and the overseer and I don't know how to highlight her increasing paranoia without that same repetition.


My sentence variety and dialogue quality have dropped. As a side effect of taking on nine characters at once I did neglect to give each a unique characterization and thereby a different tone during dialogue. I hope to fix this but am open to suggestions.

 
« Last Edit: September 03, 2013, 08:48:02 am by Broseph Stalin »
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Lalasa

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #193 on: September 03, 2013, 09:53:32 pm »

Perhaps for the paranoia you could rub it in through vivid and dark description rather than repetition?  Bring out hallucinations from sleep deprivation, the creepy things at the edge of the psyche, the nightmares and monsters!  I think it would be huge entertaining if you brought Dumplin's degeneration to life.  Illustrate how close the Baboons are to snapping, but don't drag it out for too long because as you said, you've already been using a lot of repetition.

You're not required to follow my suggestions, but I'd personally think the battle between the Overseer and the Hairless Baboons would be more vibrant and emotional if more emotions were in it.  Decorate the paranoia, pop it out as the main beef of this section.  Give different members of Dumplin's regiment differing reactions to this drawn out mental torture.  It's being hinted at that their sanity's not that high, but showing is always more fun than telling.
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Reudh

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Re: The Increasingly Tragic Tale of Dumplin (Updates M/W/F)
« Reply #194 on: September 04, 2013, 06:56:05 am »

My dyslexia has always been an obstacle to grammar and spelling, the reason it seems better early on is because my peeps have already pointed it out and told me to clean it up. I will never get angry at someone for showing me that I made a mistake.

The plot movement has changed throughout the chapters. Initially there was a long period where Dumplin did nothing but work, there I use repetition and monotony to demonstrate how dull fotress life was. Now I'm focusing on the battle between Dumplin and the overseer and I don't know how to highlight her increasing paranoia without that same repetition.


My sentence variety and dialogue quality have dropped. As a side effect of taking on nine characters at once I did neglect to give each a unique characterization and thereby a different tone during dialogue. I hope to fix this but am open to suggestions.

You have Dyslexia? Wow, I wouldn't ever have guessed - your writing has about the same amount of errors as an average person without dyslexia. Well done!
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