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[GrizzlyAdamz]

A+

[Xantalos]

A+

Didn't you hear the man? 'Tis B!

[USEC_OFFICER]

I blame final exams... I'll update on the 18th, okay.

[GrizzlyAdamz]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Btw, do well on your finals?

[CyberUrist]

BUT IT'S THE NINETEEEEEEEENTH!

[Remuthra]

It is indeed nine tenths of the way done.

[USEC_OFFICER]

I am wrapping up the turn. However the fact that I have to stop every few minutes lest the stupidity overwhelms me isn't helping matters. Still, it'll definitively be out tonight, barring unforseen circumstances.

[CyberUrist]

I am wrapping up the turn. Still, it'll definitively be out tonight, barring unforseen circumstances.

But I have to go to bed...
D:

[USEC_OFFICER]

Mind control the key. Command it to teleport to me.

SILLY PLAYER! CANNOT MIND CONTROL INANIMATE OBJECTS. Are INANIMATE OBJECTS and have NO MINDS to CONTROL.

Use my MOXIE to sniff out the key.

USE AWESOME MOXIE SKILL to SNIFF out KEY. Only MOST MOXIEST PEOPLE can DO THAT, LIKE YOU. MOST MOXIEST SKILLS say key is (? - 3, ? + 2). IS SORRY, but KEY is IN ANOTHER ROOM. LIKE CERTAIN PRINCESS. HA HA.

Also, decrease Memorization again. Make it so I can't even vaguely remember seeing STAR-HEART-HORSESHOE. Use Badassery to kick open any locked doors in the vicinity (because I don't remember where they were, lol.)

ACK. POOR POOR TOASTERS. However DOOR NOT INTIMIDATED by BADASSERY, for is INANIMATE OBJECT. THUS DOES NOT OPEN. DOORS, our MORTAL ENEMIES. WHO KNEW?

Loot the doctors' corpses for their scalpels (Yes, all of them.) and any other loot possible. Use a scalpel to pick the lock on the southern door.

YOU get ELEVEN SCALPELS. Find NO OTHER LOOT. ARE only TOASTER DOCTORS. PAID in PENNIES and fluffy BITS OF LINT. Which ARE ALL in BANK. LIFE of TOASTER DOCTOR is a SAD AND DEPRESSING ONE. Almost MAKES YOU FEEL SAD for THEM. BUT NOT, for YOU are ADVENTURER and PLAYER. So NOT CARE that much.

SILLY PLAYER. SCALPEL NOT BRONZE KEY. THUS BRONZE PADLOCK NOT UNLOCK.

Squat down to the rythm of the universe! Attempt to become one with reality! If that fails, brandish ghost catching device at the other guys while reciting a random lyric from any album made by The Locusts(go look on darklyrics)

YOU BECOME ONE with the UNIVERSE and REALITY. HOWEVER THEY NOT WANT to be ONE WITH YOU. IS SHAME, for WOULD BE REALLY COOL. Therefore will SING random SONG NOW.

ESCAPE the TRAP of TIME.
The CAGE of material.
ENTER BALANCE.
ACCEPTANCE of our cosmic RIGHT and their worldly WRONG.
THEY ARE disease of this LIFE.
Stolen.
When THEY SEE they can't LIVE without her,
THEY will WISH they hadn't @#$% WITH HER.

Order mind doctors to remove the toasters then go through.

Fiddle with the Davis Gauntlet, watch the others blundering about.
If they really can't get their act together and move the toasters, squat them aside.

DOCTORS not STRONG ENOUGH to move TOASTERS. So GRIZZLY ADAMS steps in with his OKAY SQUATS. With HELPS from DOCTORS ADAMS BE AWESOME SQUATER. MANY TOASTERS MOVED. WESTERN DOOR NO longer BLOCKED.

Do a headstand. By turning the world upsidedown the toasters blocking the west door should drop from the roof to the floor.

MONKEYHEAD PERFORMS HEADSTAND. IS BESTEST HANDSTAND EVER. HOWEVER TOASTERS fall and BLOCK DOOR AGAIN. OH NOES. IS MOST SADS. LUCKILY TOASTERS FALL out of WAY when HANDSTAND ENDS. HANDSTAND is ENDING, RIGHT? RIGHT, for NO HANDSTANDING PUZZLES are in THE ROOM. SILLY MONKEYHEAD.

MIND CONTROL SOUTH door to KILL ITSELF. COLLECT SOUTH door SOUL.
Go through SOUTH door after TOAST DOCTORS shift it.

SILLY PLAYER. DOORS CANNOT BE MIND CONTROLLED. ALSO, DOCTORS OPEN WEST DOOR. SOUTH DOOR firmly SHUT and LOCKED by BRONZE PADLOCK. IS WHOLE QUEST AROUND FINDING KEY, APPARENTLY.

Let go through the west door.

YOU HEAD through WEST DOOR into... PINIONIST BATHROOM!

PINIONIST BATHROOM is like BATHROOM FOR BIRDS. Is having MANY PERCHES with TINY TOLIETS ATTACHED. Would BE SILLY if you NOT HAVE PHYSIOLOGICAL TOILET PROBLEMS. MANY BIRDS are perching and POOPING in TOILETS. ALSO CALLING and MAKING BIRD NOISES. IS VERY LOUD. MANY BIRDBATHS are also SCATTERED on the FLOOR. EACH FILLED to BRIM with BIRDS. LONE GOOSE hangs out in NORTHEAST CORNER. HAS SMALL KEY ON COLLAR. OBVIOUSLY IMPORTANT. FINALLY IS DOORS to the NORTH, WEST AND EAST.

Ugh... What a pain to write...

Joe Bridger, Adam "Glitter" Fabulousexplosions, and Xantalos waste their turns doing basically nothing, because I'm feeling rather pissy today and want to advance the game a bit more. Sorry about that. If you're wondering why Monkeyhead isn't included with the rest of them, it's because he's given me an idea for a puzzle...

Bonolime, being the moxiest lime/monkey thing this side of Venus, quickly uses his powers to determine that the key to the padlock is in a room two to the west and one up from the Toaster Hospital. That's... surprisingly close, but then again it is only the first lock...

Jakonas subjects himself to some mental scarring to lower his memorization, but seems to forget that his badassery is actually higher than his memorization skill, so it just remains the same, while his handstands and mental gymnastics increase slightly. Of course doors are completely immune to badassery, especially ones with locks on them. They're also pretty much immune to the rest of their skills, since their only weakness is arbitrary puzzle solving...

Toaster Doctors are very low level enemies, but that doesn't stop IcyTea from following the adventurer's code and nicking everything of value on their bodies. Namely the scalpels they tried to shank him with. It's not much, but it's something. But they're definitively not lockpicks though, as IcyTea finds out quickly.

The toaster doctors, with the help of Grizzly Adams and Davis, shift the toasters out of the way of the western door, allowing Scapheap to enter the next room. Inside is the Pinionist Bathroom. Long story short, it's some kind of crazy washroom for birds. Someone seems to have made thousands of little toilets for the birds to crap in and hung them up along the walls, coincidently covering whatever horrible stains have no doubt formed on the walls over the years. Said person also made some bird baths for the birds to clean themselves in, though luckily he/she/it/quixb seems to have not taken things so literally and has stuck with the plain, old, ornamental bird baths. Speaking of birds, the place is full of them. Birds of all types and colours crowd the toilets and baths, often times flying to another perch so that the air seems almost thick with them. If anybody has bird related allergies, I do not envy you. Out of all the birds in the place, only one stands out, probably because it's the only bird that can stand still for more than ten seconds. Namely, it's a goose with a collar, chilling in the corner of the room. Said collar has a small key on it, which is obviously important. Somehow.

Also the room has doors leading to the West, North and East, where you came from.

Spoiler: MAP (click to show/hide)

Toaster Hospital (?, ?) - CURTAINS: -2 Memorization
Inhibitor Closet (?, ? + 1)
Pinionist Bathroom (? - 1, ?)

Spoiler: PLAYERS (click to show/hide)

Name: Scapheap
Background: A simple man who does simple things
Description: Brown hair, blue eyes, tall

Skills:
Mental Gymnastics: 1
Mind-Control: 2
Memorization: 3
Face Punching: 4
Handstands: 5
Moxie: 6
Sauciness: 7
Badassery: 8
Squats: 9

Inventory: Lantern, 8 Toaster Doctors
Name: Xantalos
Description: Cosmic horror blah blah blah

Skills:
Mind-Control: 1
Badassery: 2
Mental Gymnastics: 3
Memorization: 4
Facepunching: 5
Squats: 6
Moxie: 7
Handstands: 8
Sauciness: 9

Inventory: 12 Souls of the Damned
Name: MonkeyHead
Bio/Desc: A Monkey with the head of a man. Or was it the other way around? Either way, some kinda lab/medical experiment gone wrong, now looking for freedom, vengeance, and pancakes.

Skills:
Handstands: 1
Mental Gymnastics: 2
Mind-Control: 3
Badassery: 4
Sauciness: 5
Squats: 6
Face Punching: 7
Moxie: 8
Memorization: 9

Inventory: Medical ID
Name: IcyTea
Bio: A loaf of bread that ,surprisingly, got the moves. Crawls the dungeon in search for glory and fame, using it's dance moves to dodge attacks.
Moxie: 1
Badassery: 2
Sauciness: 3
Memorization: 4
Face Punching: 5
Squats: 6
Mental Gymnastics: 7
Handstands: 8
Mind-Control: 9

Inventory: Andrew Sisters's Phone Number, 11 scalpels
Name: Joe Bridger
Description: Pink bathrobe, long beard, wraparound shades, mid-80s, fedora, bunny slippers, walking stick, falconing glove.
Bio: A crazy and awesome man who has journeyed far on a quest to stop the attempts on his life by crazed prehistoric fish.

Skills:
Badassery: 1
Mind-Control: 2
Handstands: 3
Face Punching: 4
Sauciness: 5
Mental Gymnastics: 6
Moxie: 7
Squats: 8
Memorization: 9

Inventory: Falcon Sasha
Name: Adam "Glitter" Fabulousexplosions
Desc: Wears a pink robe with a black belt and pilots shades has a sheathed vibrating toy and a bottle of lube on his belt. He claims its a ghost catching device.
Bio: Once upon a time he wasnt very fabulous NOW HE IS

Skills:
Badassery: 1
Face punching: 2
Sauciness: 3
Mind control: 4
Moxie: 5
Hand stands: 7
Squats: 6
Mental gymnastics: 8
Memorisation: 9

Inventory: Homosexual Spirit
Name: Bonolime
Description: An unholy cross between the creator's username and avatar, it is essentially a green pirate monkey fruit.
Bio: Well, when a lime and a monkey love each other very much, they make baby GPMFs. Now he's been sailing the seas for treasure and stuff, and so decided to come to this place.

Skills:
Moxie: 1
Squats: 2
Sauciness: 3
Face Punching: 4
Badassery: 5
Handstands: 6
Mental Gymnastics: 7
Mind Control: 8
Memorisation: 9

Inventory: Empty Bottle of Rum
Name: Regular Davis
Desc: A talking sword TWO DOUBLE AWESOME LONGSWORDSof AWESOMENESS
Bio: Got fed up with the idiodicy of it's previous owner and decided to strike out on it's own.

Skills:
Memorization: 1
Mental Gymnastics: 2
Sauciness: 3
Badassery: 4
Mind-Control: 5
Moxie: 6
Face Punching: 7
Handstands: 8
Squats: 9

Inventory: Lampshade
Name: Grizzly Adams
Description: A horse-riding manly bear.
Background: Amnesiac that's kinda just wandering around. What's a bear?

Skills:
Memorization: 1
Mind-Control: 2
Mental Gymnastics: 3
Moxie: 4
Sauciness: 5
Squats: 6
Hand Stands: 7
Badassery: 8
Face Punching: 9

Inventory: Horse Whip
Name: Jakonas
Background:
Description: Has grey eyes, brown hair, constantly wears NOPANTS (which are an item, if removed or stolen, he appears wearing distasteful khakis that he hates) and a forest green jacket.

Skills:
Face Punching: 1
Badassery: 2
Mind-Control: 3
Moxie: 4
Sauciness: 5
Squats: 6
Handstands: 7
Mental Gymnastics: 8
Memorization: 9

Inventory: NOPANTS

[Remuthra]

Utilize badassery to ninjaflip between birds, snapping their necks with various limbs.

[Xantalos]

Mind control birds. Make them my swarm!

[GrizzlyAdamz]

Stay near the hospital-bathroom door for now, for sake of cover.

[IcyTea31]

Go west and throw a scalpel at the goose. If it dies, grab the key from it.

[DrPoo]

CHECK OUT THE BATHROOM FOR ANY GHOSTS TO CATCH. MAKE ANY PHYSICAL ENEMIES FEEL THE WRATH OF MY PURPLE RUBBERY GHOST CATCHING DEVICE

[MonkeyHead]

Continue noble quest of finding something to ride - say for example, a big fucking bird.