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[MetalSlimeHunt]

Vector, isolating yourself from your friends won't help this. In fact, it will probably make it worse.

[Vector]

I'm not isolating myself from all of my friends.  I'm sorry I didn't make that clear.  However, when I'm doing well I'm part of some four or five different groups of people, and expend a good deal of time and energy flitting about.  Right now I don't have the energy to maintain all of those friendships well, so I'm focusing on low-impact activities like roleplaying or playing card games (rather than small talk or gossip, which, much as I enjoy them, are harder for me).

At the same time, a number of my relationships are based largely on pleasant chatter and gossip, and I don't really have it in me to do maintenance on these, much as I value, enjoy, and learn from them.  Those are the ones I'm trying to figure out how to nicely stop participating in for a while.

[Pnx]

That sort of brings up an interesting topic, and my apologies if this is too off topic but what the heck are friendships actually about anyway? Because a lot of people seem to have different takes on it. On what they mean or what they're about.

[Bauglir]

When I feel like I need to wait, which is disturbingly often lately, I'll generally find myself in an engaging hobby. An engrossing video game or a nostalgic one, writing D&D stuff, watching movies, and so on. Stuff I can do by myself, with minimum barrier to entry, that's easy to get lost in until I don't know where the time's gone. Just doing something, so I'm not dwelling on what I'm thinking or feeling at the time. Almost never stuff I'm "supposed" to do, or stuff I really want to do, but stuff I feel like I can do. I dunno, though, that might be exactly your problem, as opposed to a resolution >_____________>

When I've got people who worry, I'll usually just do the bare minimum to assure them that they don't need to. When I've got maintenance stuff that needs to be done, like eating or showering and what have you, I'll lump it all together into one big chunk of time, usually leading off with the shower (it's easy, relatively pleasant, and simple), rationalizing each next step as something "I might as well do while I'm up". There's a lot of self-delusion involved here, with a constant, "Just one more thing" mantra that I've got to keep repeating to myself, which might be less useful to you.

Anyway, thanks for reminding me by posting this thread to pay those bills I was putting off for no good reason but that I didn't want to go to the hassle of logging into the websites. Additional >_______>

EDIT

That sort of brings up an interesting topic, and my apologies if this is too off topic but what the heck are friendships actually about anyway? Because a lot of people seem to have different takes on it. On what they mean or what they're about.

They're about a lot of things, in my experience. I have different friends with whom I have very different relationships. I do not expect I would ever find myself cuddling with a coworker, for instance. It's a big category that lumps together a lot of different kinds of relationship that have in common, "I like something about this person, and being around them in some capacity is pleasing to me."

[lordcooper]

You are working on your novel.

[Vector]

!!

That is actually a really good excuse because I have a ~Big Novel Idea~ all ready, and if I spent fifteen minutes a day on it then I wouldn't be lying.  Thanks!

(The problem with the "say you've been with other friends" thing is that I'm in a very small pond right now, though I think that could work as well)

[SalmonGod]

I think I'm different from everyone else here.  When I'm depressed or otherwise down or unmotivated, I just dive right into the emotions.  I don't try to fight it.  I put on some music that matches my mood and brood until it's worked itself out, usually with my face buried in my arms if I'm really depressed or angry. 

For me, seeking distractions or forcing myself to be motivated or whatever just postpones or drags out the problem.  These things are stopping me from going about my normal life because they need to be processed, so the best thing for me to do is allow myself time to process them.  And it usually doesn't end with some new realization or resolution.  I just need to let myself feel whatever I'm feeling for a while.

Vector, isolating yourself from your friends won't help this. In fact, it will probably make it worse.

Depends on the person.  When I'm in a down spell, it's impossible for me to get better without isolating myself.  Sometimes a down spell happens because I burned out by over-socialization.

As for what to tell people, it also depends on the person.  Some people won't understand/will try too hard to help/don't care and need to be simply deflected by an "I'm busy" or whatever.  Other people have better connection and understanding and it can be helpful to share with them.  Some people simply deserve to know more.  I don't think there's any universal approach to be advised on.

[Shakerag]

Why not just say the truth?  "Hey, I'm feeling a bit depressed right now and that's making it hard to do social stuff.  I appreciate your concern, but the best thing you can do for me right now is to just wait for it to pass."

I don't understand the need to make excuses or tell lies.

[SalmonGod]

Some people won't understand/will try too hard to help/don't care and need to be simply deflected

There's nothing innately wrong with deception.  Some people are absolutely horrible at understanding things like this.  They'll feel like they need to bother you (with good intentions) and make you feel worse, and your reaction will generate negativity in them.  It's better for everyone to simply dodge out.

[DJ]

When people call me to do something in this condition, I just tell them I'm too high to leave my sofa. Wards off serious (and long) phone/IM conversations as well.

Though, it does help to have your closest friend just veg out with you, it keeps the dark thoughts away and those creep in easy when you're feeling down.

[RedKing]

Vector, iirc you're Aspie/HFA, right?

There was an interesting book I was reading on Asperger's and relationships that basically summed it up like this:

Normal people experience acute periods of stress, then it goes away.
Because of the way we're wired, Aspies are under perpetual neurological stress. A lot of that having to do with the amount of unconscious energy expended to just stay focused on mundane things.

So we don't have a lot of leftover energy to expend on relationships and maintaining them. When we're riding high (from doing things that we're really interested in and enjoy), we have tons of energy and can be almost manic and extroverted and chatty. When we're drained of energy (from the grind of daily life), we have no energy left to be bothered with other people. Especially if those relationships are perceived as draining energy rather than giving it.

Dunno if that necessarily helps answer you question of what to do or what to tell people, but it might help you understand the dynamics of it a bit better. When you're in that kind of "Red Vector needs energy, badly!" funk, the best course of action is probably not people but things -- maths, writing, watching French musicals, the sorts of things you really enjoy. *shrug*

[Vector]

Yeah, AS is pretty much confirmed at this point, much as I tried to deny it or explain it away with other environmental factors before.  Much as you mention, when I'm doing well I'm pretty consistently asked if I'm either a. on serious drugs b. a witch or c. mentally ill.  Like... politely, in an "I'm actually trying to find out, not insult you" sort of a way.

I think you may well be right.  Only problem is that my current life has very little space for the things I really enjoy; I'm kind of at a lull between interests, and swamped with work to the point where I don't get to go pursue anything new.  So I guess that at the moment I can keep doing what I've been doing to get more energy -> more working through backlog -> less backlog -> more exciting things and try to cut social time by simply making myself unavailable for invitations.  Luckily the folks here mostly do in-person, rather than electronic invitations, so this isn't hard.

I should probably add for any other lurking AS folks that I've had noticeable improvement since I consciously changed my conversational style to have fewer in-depth conversation hooks and stopped being so excited about invitations that I'd pretty much automatically attend anything.  A lot of my energy expenses came from saying too many fragments of things other people find highly interesting or unusual, and whose ground is old hat or difficult to express for me.

God, it's a relief just thinking about another week or two spent mostly by myself.  I'm slowly realizing that trusting other people's priority models, while it was enlightening and helpful for a good while, is clearly exactly what I need to stop doing right now.


Thanks for the help, folks.  I'll keep working on this.