@EBannion: Ask and ye shall receive.
@Knit Tie: Cook and thief will be done in the morning.
"So,
why be I fightin' these hapless critters?" she asked the arena master. "As arenas go, 'tis very nice... but won't the crowd want sommin' a little more... exciting?"
The arena master shrugged his burly shoulders. "Look. We've got to work with what we can git, hm? The fool mayor spent the entire arena budget on his fancy new glass window. So either ye get ye sorry arse into the arena and smash some grasshoppers, or I find ye a job cleaning up elephant dung." The master pulled a copper battleaxe out of a cupboard and offered it to the newest gladiator. "Since ye're new to arena combat, let me give ye some advice. This isn't like bein' a soldier. Ye've gotta put on a
show." He waved a hand dismissively. "If ye're good and bring in plenty of money from the crowd, maybe I can find ye a half-vampire orc prince to fight, or sommin' like that. Whatever it is they fight in the Mountainhomes. Now git!"
She sighed and took the axe. "Put on a show, got it." She twirled the axe experimentally. "I'll give them a show, dinnae ye doubt me!" The axe resting on one massive shoulder, she strode past the master and into the preparation chamber for her first day as a gladiator.
***
Light streamed in. Of course the arena was above ground; corpses weren't always removed in a timely fashion and the clouds of miasma would hide the bloodthirsty crowd's view. More than the light was the sound. The roar of the crowd was like a wall of bloodlust; it wormed into her ears and infected her mind with a longing for the fight. She felt her adrenaline surging in anticipation of the battle, even if it was against some grasshoppers. She had no idea how to 'put on a show' against bugs that were at a maximum as big as her hand, but she would have to think up something. Maybe she could pretend that they were poisonous, or... something. Maybe zombies. Zombie anything was pretty scary, these days.
The massive gate lifted with a metallic rattle and she charged out, howling like a demon. She turned, surveyed the crowd and roared as loudly as she could, her voice bleeding over the tumult of dwarven cries for blood. This encouraged the crowd further and they hooted and hollered as she gestured at them to yell even louder, roaring again whenever it seemed appropriate - which seemed to be basically all of the time.
There was a clatter as the far gate opened. A scratching came from within the darkened waiting room, loud enough for her to hear over the crowd. A clicking and chirping sounded, so loudly that her teeth rattled in her thick dwarven jaw; she set herself, suddenly wary. No grasshopper sounded like that. Had they found a giant one? Worse, a grasshopper
titan? Wouldn't
that be a fight for the ages! her mouth was dry in anticipation, but the sight that emerged from the shadows surprised even her.
Vivid green carapaces shone in the midday sun from five... things. They were nearly seven feet tall and had two sets of spindly, armoured arms that ended in hands shaped more to be pincers than anything else. Their knees bent backwards, giving them an odd, bird-legged gait. Long, rigid tails stuck out behind them and seemed to balance the creatures. But worst of all was the head. A thickly armoured neck slid up into a bulbous head with two long antennae that curled for several feet behind each thing. Huge multi-faceted eyes reflected her image back a thousandfold; mandibles clacked open and shut sideways beneath the eyes, revealing toothy protrusions that were easily as long as her hand. If one of those grasshopper men - for that is all that they could have been - bit her, it would
hurt.Oh, yes, and they could jump. As she discovered a second later.
The grasshopper man in the lead leapt thirty-five feet into the air; filmy wings blossomed out of its carapace and steadied its landing with a furious buzzing. The sound made her blood run cold, but she wouldn't back down. They were just
bugs. She skipped back three steps and the grasshopper man landed in a crash, sending up a billowing cloud of dust from the impact. She immediately charged forwards with a bloodcurdling scream and swung her axe in a hefty, hacking uppercut that clove straight through one of its left shoulders, sending the spindly arm to the ground where it flopped and writhed. A gout of straw-coloured blood bloomed from the open wound as her shoulder took it in the chest, knocking the grasshopper man to the ground.
About to deliver the final blow, she became mindful of the crowd. Instead she switched her axe to her left hand and punched out with her right, cracking the grasshopper man's head carapace open slightly. The giant bug groaned and batted her off with one surprisingly strong pincer before climbing to its feet; before it could react any further, she charged it again and hit the poor bug with a rabbit punch using her other hand.
Again the grasshopper man tumbled over and again it leapt up to do further battle. As it swung for her she caught its right arm with the blade of her axe, cleaving the upper arm in twain. Her axe moved in a flurry and one of the grasshopper man's feet and another arm joined the growing pile of discarded appendages. The crowd howled, sensing the hapless creature's end was near; bloodlust overtook her and she lunged for the final arm. She would never remember quite what possessed her, but she bit the final arm and tore it off through sheer bloody-minded stubbornness. She bit down on the carapace, feeling it crack under her strong teeth; tart blood washed into her mouth. She found the taste slightly appealing.
The other four grasshopper men were closer now. They had hung back from the whirling dervish of her axe as she dismembered their kin, but all four attacked now at once. She faced the four grasshopper men with the arm still hanging in her mouth and grinned around it, her blood boiling in her veins.
***
The gladiator stood in a pile of glistening green body parts, her axe held high. She roared to the crowd and they roared back. Her skin was slick with straw-coloured blood; her hair was limp and greasy. There were a dozen small scratches from the grasshopper men's spined carapaces, but she had suffered no wounds. She was a warrior, a gladiator, and had torn the hapless creatures apart limb by bloody limb out of sheer enjoyment. Their blood was still in her mouth and she found herself longing for more.
Soon, she told herself.
Soon, I'll be fighting again.
"The Goblin Hammerman charges at the Stray Lamb!"
"The Goblin Hammerman attacks the Stray Lamb but He jumps away!"
"The Goblim Hammerman rushes by the Stray Lamb!"
"The Goblin Hammerman charges at The Stray Lamb!"
"The Goblin Hammerman attacks The Stray Lamb but He jumps away!"
"The Stray Lamb counterstrikes!"
"The Stray Lamb gores The Goblin Hammerman in the right hand with his right horn, bruising the fat through the <<troll fur right glove!>>"
"The Goblin Hammerman rushes by The Stray Lamb!"
"The Goblin Hammerman bashes the Stray Lamb in the left front hoof with his <<copper maul>> but the attack glances away!:
"The Goblin Hammerman charges at the Stray Lamb!"
"The Goblin Hammerman charges at The Stray Lamb but He jumps away!"
"The Stray Lamb counterstrikes!"
"The Stray Lamb kicks The Goblin Hammerman in the left hand with his left rear hoof, bruising the muscle through the <<troll fur left glove>>!"
"The Goblin Hammerman slams into an obstacle and falls over!"
"The Goblin Hammerman is no longer stunned."
"The Goblin Hammerman stands up."
The hammergoblin sighed. "Dude. It's just a lamb. A
lamb. How scary can a freaking baby fluffball be?" He waved his maul in the direction of the small, pristinely white baby sheep. "C'mon. You can take it. Hell, a
gnome could kill a lamb. Look at the damn thing!"
The macegoblin next to him shook his head. "Not just no,
hell no. I ain't fighting that thing. C'mon, let's go. The dwarves have left their door unlocked; let's go loot their fortress while they're off building that giant soap tower." His mate just glared, but he shrugged. "Look, you want to go kill that lamb, go right ahead. but I'm standing right here."
The hammergoblin snorted. "What was your mother, a kobold? You're such a lily-livered pansy it hurts to be sieging with you." The hammergoblin hefted his maul onto his shoulder and stepped over the low wooden fence into the pasture. "Here, little lambikins. Come here, I won't bite... I'm gonna be havin' lamb for dinner tonight!" The lamb sauntered into range and the hammergoblin charged, swinging his maul in a crushing overhead strike.
The lamb pranced gaily out of the way, baaing at the goblin as it hopped and jumped around. He stumbled as he passed the small fluffy white animal, but managed to turn and charged again. Again his maul swung in a coppery arc and again the lamb simply skipped out of the way, baaing loudly before headbutting the goblin playfully. One of its horns caught the goblin's right hand, tearing the skin open and rupturing a multitude of small blood vessels. "Son of a whore!" the goblin screamed, clutching at his hand. "You goddamn little cotton ball, I'm going to turn you inside out!" From behind him he could hear the mocking laughter of the macegoblin; he gestured rudely in his mate's approximate direction before swinging wildly for the lamb again.
His maul caught the lamb's hoof and he hooted. "How d'you like that, you damn sheep?" he crowed. The lamb whickered at him and pranced in circles around the goblin, as though taunting him with its lack of injury. "Well screw you too!" he screamed and charged, swinging like a madman.
The lamb simply leapt to the side before kicking backwards, catching the goblin's left hand and body. The hammergoblin felt his hand crunch painfully and he shot head over heels, tumbling across the paddock. The last thing he saw was a tree, laden down with apples, directly in the path of his head.
***
"The conquering warrior returns!" the macegoblin chortled as the hammergoblin climbed wearily over the paddock fence.
"Shut up. I don't want to talk about it."
"Allow me to see the bounty of your great battle!" the macegoblin spluttered between fits of laughter.
"I said, shut
up. It's possessed. Got a demon... or something. Yeah." The hammergoblin muttered under his breath. "Come on, let's go rob some elves. I need to break something soft and squishy."
The macegoblin snickered. "But they might have cavies! Are you going to be able to handle
them?"
Author
Topic: Come, give me your combat reports so I may narrate them! (Read 7665 times)