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[QuakeIV]

Good arbitrary time unit, fellow lunatics.  Today it is I that come bearing your latest installment of mild girl problems.

(This isn't a joke thread by the way, I'm just being silly)

So I'm in college and I asked this girl I like out to a date, because she seems to think very similarly to me and I like that.

The problem/lackthereof is that she was concerned that 'dating' would take up too much of her study time, so she said she would be fine with hanging out now and again but couldn't start 'dating' with me.  This is a bit of a poser for me, because I'm not sure how to interpret that.

On the one hand, that is actually exactly what I was thinking.  I didn't want to burn all of my time hanging out with her and start getting horrible grades.  I just wanted to have some time to properly talk with her, and also wanted to show that I seriously liked her without using the whole 'yeah just to hang out no romantic interest at all' approach to try to 'escalate things slowly' or whatever the usual spin on that is.  Assuming that is really what she is thinking, we have no problem.  She just wasn't comfortable with the time investment that 'dating' implied.

On the other hand, my instincts tell me to be worried.  The whole thing also looked kinda like she was trying to avoid spending time with me because she didn't really like me all that much and was trying to avoid me seeing her as a 'girl friend' or such.  We never ended up setting an actual time to 'hang out' meaning she may actually evade even occasionally meeting to talk.  She sounded concerned when she was explaining this to me as if she was worried I would misunderstand on some level or another, and noted that she would have much more time during spring break.  (having fully aritculated that, this concern actually sounds a lot more like horse shit than initially expected)  Ultimately my concern here centers around the fact that she sounded like she was willing to go to lunch with me or such, just the end result was that that wasn't much closer to happening. 

A lot of the reason I'm typing this out is because I could use even completely random bullshit advice to help me think.  Any kind of response would be appreciated.  Just typing this out has helped me quite a bit.

/discuss

[weenog]

Quit spinning bullshit and tell her the truth. State your concerns plainly, ask her what you want to know directly, and don't run off on ridiculous tangents about what you imagine might be the case.  Worst case scenario, you're rejected and embarrassed for doing this.  That's fine.  If this isn't going to work, sooner or later you're going to have a nasty case of disappointment and embarrassment, and at least if you get it out of the way now, you avoid wasting a bunch of time trying to establish a relationship doomed to failure.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

You could always never speak to her again, that's an option.

[weenog]

So, one vote grow up, and one vote act like a four year old? 

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Four-year olds don't shun people because they think they hate them.

In any case, that is the advice I always give in these threads, because no one ever actually takes the advice in these "girl, wat do" threads. Might as well tell them to stop acting like they're going to play the relationship game when they obviously aren't going to.

[QuakeIV]

I kinda feel like you have a point weenog, having recently had related conversations.  I will be taking that into consideration, though I think I'll just try to schedule some sort of time and see how she reacts first.

Not sure how to react to slimehunt's comments.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

I don't think you really want this and are just coming to us to outlet your anxiety. If you really think she's playing you, just stop contacting her.

[QuakeIV]

I don't think you really want this and are just coming to us to outlet your anxiety. If you really think she's playing you, just stop contacting her.

I'm going to have to think about this.

[weenog]

There is a pretty girl sleeping not three feet away from where I sit posting this, because I don't pussyfoot around when I want something.  Make of that what you will.

[QuakeIV]

Right so I finished thinking.

First thing:

I don't think you really want this [full stop] are just coming to us to outlet your anxiety. [full stop] If you really think she's playing you, just stop contacting her.

At least that first sentence has two unconnected assertions so far as I can tell, so I'll handle them separately.

I don't think you really want this

I definitely want this, I thought about it for about an hour while driving home trying to make sure I wasn't fooling myself in some way and didn't get anything.

just coming to us to outlet your anxiety.

In retrospect I agree, I was somewhat anxious.  I think I was just being a bit paranoid however.  With that said, I had a rather interesting conversation with a friend about similar things recently, and get the feeling that if I start to have genuine concerns about something I should express them.  As it is though I don't feel like I have enough to go off of to do anything other than look like I don't trust her at all by expressing a more or less unfounded negative thought.

If you really think she's playing you, just stop contacting her.

I prefer to give people a bit of a chance before I completely sever contact over my own paranoia.  If it starts to really look like something to me I will do something.  I just wasn't really sure what.  I think I'll follow weenog's advice however.  It makes a lot of sense to me.


With that said slimehunt, I would say GTFO or some such sillyness for nearly getting me to talk myself into not liking her, however your posts so far have done an excellent job of catalyzing my thinking.  Therefore; tell me more.

e: readability enhanced.

[Muz]

Quit spinning bullshit and tell her the truth. State your concerns plainly, ask her what you want to know directly, and don't run off on ridiculous tangents about what you imagine might be the case.  Worst case scenario, you're rejected and embarrassed for doing this.  That's fine.  If this isn't going to work, sooner or later you're going to have a nasty case of disappointment and embarrassment, and at least if you get it out of the way now, you avoid wasting a bunch of time trying to establish a relationship doomed to failure.

This.

A girl did this to me. I married her.
Dumped all the other girls who kept spinning bullshit and imagining ridiculous things.
If you suspect something, say it to my face. If I want to lie about it, I'll stumble first and lie about it (or be silent). If I want to confess, I'll confess. If it's false, I'll say so and why and get angry at worst and forget about it in a couple of hours (and then she says sorry for misinterpreting me and I feel good about it).

[Brenticus]

There is no where near enough info for us to make valid statements.  Could mean she is into you but wants to go slow, she only wants a physical relationship, she's worried about her grades and can't think about anything else.  Could mean any number of other things...

My advice is to do some more recon.  Listen to her and don't over analyze it.   Could be you will be her cuddle buddy until semester is over.  Definitely wont be if you walk away and professing your love would be against what she has asked.   Don't hold your breath too long though.  You still have to live and enjoy your own life.

Good luck and use the popcorn move.   When watching a movie put your hand in the bowl at the same time - easy way to break out of the friend zone

[Vector]

As a Girl (TM) I'd say it's probably one of two things:

a. She doesn't have any romantic interest and she's trying to let you down easy
b. She actually doesn't have much time and has a particular preconceived notion of what dating means

This usually isn't what playing looks like.  If someone wants to play you, then they salt the field a bit more to make it look like you've got a chance.  Feeling lukewarm and then changing your mind when you meet someone you're really crazy about isn't playing, it's just a sign of possessing little foresight.

If it were me, I'd talk to her, get things clear about your feelings and what she wants--and if she says she's just not interested, then back off unless/until she gives very clear signals she's changed her mind.  Try to get her point of view all in one conversation so this isn't strung out and awkward.  I'm not trying to say that you're a dogged jerk or something.  However, I think there are differing opinions on this one, and as someone who has been rejected and also been pursued long after I said no, the best way all-round is to just back off if they say they're not into you.

[QuakeIV]

As a Girl (TM) I'd say it's probably one of two things:

a. She doesn't have any romantic interest and she's trying to let you down easy
b. She actually doesn't have much time and has a particular preconceived notion of what dating means

This usually isn't what playing looks like.  If someone wants to play you, then they salt the field a bit more to make it look like you've got a chance.  Feeling lukewarm and then changing your mind when you meet someone you're really crazy about isn't playing, it's just a sign of possessing little foresight.

If it were me, I'd talk to her, get things clear about your feelings and what she wants--and if she says she's just not interested, then back off unless/until she gives very clear signals she's changed her mind.  Try to get her point of view all in one conversation so this isn't strung out and awkward.  I'm not trying to say that you're a dogged jerk or something.  However, I think there are differing opinions on this one, and as someone who has been rejected and also been pursued long after I said no, the best way all-round is to just back off if they say they're not into you.

This post fits certain parts of my own analysis fairly well.  Your a/b points even somewhat resemble my two thoughts in the O/P. 

I'm starting to seriously tend towards B, having talked to her more today.  She just seems really quite busy, and from the language she was using clearly had a very different idea of dating than I do.

With respect to just squaring things away in a conversation, I don't know that that is a good idea just yet.  It seems like she is still uncertain as to what to think about me, so I feel like an immediate DO YOU LIKE ME Y/N seems like a bad idea, even if I soften it up in some arbitrary way.  We are both pretty smart so she would know what I was asking pretty quickly regardless.

Would post more in depth, but I really really extra super need to go to bed right now or I'm going to be a complete wreck tomorrow.

e: quick grammar field repair

[Vector]

Yeah, I don't mean DO YOU LIKE ME Y/N, I meant something more like... well, ugh, here's my problem.  I feel like you're just in exactly the same situation as the rest of the world.  You go out together, you see if you're just friends or if you're dating or what as part of the process.  It's not really an official thing.

I guess the only thing that worries me is if she feels like there's a particular Dating Algorithm that needs to be followed or else it doesn't count, which is shitty but not exactly playing someone.  But as I think about it, it doesn't really seem like there's any good way to get out of that except by finding out what happens as you go out.