Fun and useless. I don't think I can name a time when a court case went on that resulted in a sentence other than what the security team was going to do already or didn't end in a riot/act of terrorism.
Now I have to tell the story of my Attempted Rape trial. Get ready!
One of my first rounds ever on Yogstation, I was a Chemist-ling. Standing in the Medbay lobby, realizing all the other medbay staff were also lings, the HoS walks right up next to me and lights a cigarette. I start talking to her. Mainly about how I had always wanted to be a Security Officer. She happily tells me she has an opening, and that the HoP would surely change my job. So we go do that.
Then we go to the Brig and I load up, as she stands chatting to me. Finally, she asks, sort of slyly, "You want anything extra out of the Armory?"
Bewildered at my own insanely good fortune, I followed along. I was a terrible ling at the time, so I just grabbed her and she panicked and backed off. Then everyone showed up and arrested me while I refused to make comment.
And then a beautiful thing happened.
I was put on trial for Attempted Rape. My lawyer was actually competent, and the HoS made some cunning points during the trial, but my defense was pretty deviously clever. I told the court that I had thought she was coming on to me, and I had tried to make a move, but come on too strong. I was
acquitted of all charges after she decided it was a huge misunderstanding.
Then, I went to the Arrivals wing to check out a call-in, but I started dying mysteriously for no reason halfway, and I passed out and died in the locker rooms (Box station layout.) I used the regenerative stasis, and woke up before anyone walked by. I went to the Security Checkpoint, and you know what I see as soon as I turn the corner? A fellow Security Officer. And a small message at the bottom of the chat, announcing my regeneration.
For fuck's sake. This is Yogstation, so he starts shouting about me being a Ling into the Security channel. I drop my tazer and baton on the ground, and stand outside the door. He draws his baton and rushes me. I said, "I like you well enough, mate. Nothing personal, eh?" As he harmbaton'd me to death. Then, lying there regenerating again (Because what other options do I have?) they start dragging me to the incinerator. Right as we get there and I get shoved in, the HoS arrives.
She pulls me out of the incinerator as I suddenly regenerate. In the middle of a small room full of the security team. Then she berates them for not interrogating me first, and drags me to the Permabrig. On the way there, she asks if I had checked my messages on my PDA. I hadn't, and the question sort of mystified me.
Once at the Permabrig, the Captain arrives and orders for me to be executed and incinerated immediately. A security borg echoes this statement, but the HoS argues them both down and keeps me in the Permabrig under her own supervision. Elsewhere on the station, havoc is going down because Changelings are hunting people and being hunted. As the Captain and borg leave to bring order, the HoS tells me that she had PDA'd me during the trial. Asking to go out for a drink after it was down.
After this, she basically helps me escape from Permabrig when the shuttle is called, and we get into the Security Pod, but the window is broken out so we had to bring internals and wait until the last few seconds. She got buckled in.
I did not. Sucked into space for the loss.
Funny thing was, she wasn't even a changeling. I just somehow had the best dumb luck to have ever existed. And this is the story of the time Hans was the worst Ling ever.
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Topic: Space Station 13: Urist McStation (Read 2159110 times)